5 posts tagged “womens health”

I'm a wuss. I'm blaming it on whatever blocked estrogen I had before I had my baby.

Before I became a mom I was told that my estrogen levels were off and if I wanted to start a family 9x's out of 10 I would have to seek some type of fertility solution. Obviously I defied the odds. Yet the aftermath seems to be leaving me a hormonal wreck.

Before baby, my menstrual cycle was practically nonexistent. So I really didn't have to suffer through the aches of PMS, the actual menstrual, and post menstrual. When it did occur, the cramping was pretty bad and I was a bit irritable but that only lasted for a day or two.

After baby, everything seems to have regulated on its own. The estrogen floodgates seem to have opened. The cramping is pretty low key before and during. However, the PMS is bad. The irritability is there. My appetite increases. Then the tears.

I cry at just about anything.

For the past week I've been crying while writing, listening to music and watching movies.... children's movies. This week I managed to catch the Disney movie "Meet The Robinsons" on cable (cute movie by the way). I sat back on the couch with the Snickerdoodle and laughed pretty much through the whole thing, until Lewis (the main character) discovers who he really is. My tears start rolling towards the end as Lewis gets a chance to revisit his past and ops not to disturb it. What made this a bit funny was me trying to quickly wipe away my tears before the Snickerdoodle looked back at me. Children do sense these things. Still I was too late. She saw me in my tears and I started to chuckle only making my chuckle turn into more tears.

My tears continued rolling as Lewis got to redo his present and pretty much lived happily ever after. I cried at the song that was playing during the whole closing scene and as the screen faded to an interesting quote about "moving forward" by Walt Disney.

Then I laughed at myself for crying.

Oh gawd I sound crazy. 

Later that same night I ended up looking at "Waiting to Exhale" for the umteenth time.  I've NEVER cried while looking at this movie before, but all of the sudden I was practically ready to boo hoo at the whole Angela Basset and Wesley Snipes scene as they bared their souls to one another. Then I cried as Lela Rochan bared her soul to Whitney Houston at the water park.

By then I wished that this crying spell would break. 

I cried as I found old baby pictures of myself and realized that the Snickerdoodle IS my carbon copy. It's almost erie that when I look at her I DO see me and vice versa.

I cry when I think, which has been hindering me a bit in finishing up a project that I'm working on.

I'm just a big wuss right now.

I feel like crying now, but the only thing that is stopping me is writing about it.

Why couldn't PMS be more of a happy thing? Instead of your hormones getting the best of you they should work with you and for you. Make you feel energized. Happy. Basically the extreme opposite of what it currently does.

I know this wussy phase won't last long.

I just hate to see it come and sit.

I was looking for a Natalie Dee comic to coincide with my random thoughts for today. Needless to say I stumbled along something in her archives that just made me choke on my own saliva; a drawing of her husband "murdering" Michael Jackson's Billie Jean.

Misternataliedee by Natalie Dee

Random Thought # 1

I'm waaaay overdue for a Pap test.  Being a woman seems so inconvient and disturbing when you think about a visit to the OBGYN.

Any man out here wanna take my piping and my OBGYN? 

Random Thought #2

I pondered last night if I'm too much of the world to make a full connection with my spirituality. Well maybe not too much of the world...I'm just... I don't know what is the word or phrase I'm looking for. Hmmm. I'm not an atheist. I'm a bit quirky. I try to see beauty in everything. While I don't glamorize illegal drug use, I can sympathize and perhaps understand a bit why someone would abuse it.  A large part of me wants to break free from anything and just totally let go of any inhibitions I have. While I do attend church, it's only on the Sundays when I feel the need to or just basically when I feel up to it 

Was I over churched as a kid; especially in attending religious schools all my life?

What is really going on with me spiritually?

Random Thought #3

I really do hurt for some men out here. The ones who have been taken for granted and are really top picks of the liter. In talking with Papi and other male friends, none have ever felt appreciated or even had partners that took the time to pamper or cater to them for at least a day. They were always the givers, and eventually got took some kind of a way. As a giver (and there are some of us ladies who give) I have felt the sting as well of being taken for granted. That was mainly due to a bad choice on my part to give to someone who didn't deserve it. Yet, when I asked my friends and Papi would they know what they want if given the opportunity to be treated for a day in and outside of the bedroom, no one could fully answer. One guy even asked me for suggestions of what she should look/ask for. 

Have we females become so jaded about love or who we are "dating/seeing" that we feel we are entitled to being the receiver constantly?

Random Thought #4

Out of a lil boredom and tired of being referred to as the anti-socialable MySpace Nazi, I revamped my MySpace page a bit. I will say, the song I selected kicks arse! (opps! Irish accent slipped)

But seriously, who really pays attention to me on MySpace anyways?

Random Thought #5

After.................. (okay I can't think of the exact number) of year with my online writing group, I'm thinking about leaving. The group doesn't "feed" my anymore. There are more "off topics," posted than anything pertaining to writing. I've been thinking about it for a while. I don't feel "at home" anymore. It is one of the rare online communities that I have found to be drama free, but sometimes I wonder.  I probably won't leave altogether, just change my membership to receive a digest of the latest happenings.

Speaking to self right now ----> Honestly, are you still benefiting from the group?

East of The River (majority of SE,DC) Is Just As Historic

Note: Most likely this will be a VERY random entry.

Honey I'm home.

We make it back into town today safe and sound. Though I miss the serenity of the mountains, I do ache to be back home. More than likely the achy feeling was me just wanting to get home in time to unpack and unwind.

I love going away, but I hate the packing, the move, hauling, unpacking, the rush... it's stressful to be honest.

Traveling along Interstate 66 going and coming, I realize that I too .. like most minorities.. have this fear of police. Virginia state troopers are notorious for hiding in unmarked sudans (guess this is one reason why it's easy to impersonate them?) or in their crusiers...waiting to catch a speeder or a violator of HOV restrictions.  It wasn't bad leaving town as it was around Thanksgiving. They were everywhere on 66 and maybe one or two on Interstate 81 (the highway that 66 turns into after a certain point). Today on the way home.... ok I won't lie.. I did comfortable cruise at 80.. and the speed limit for the most part is 65. I know... Baaaaaad girl.  However, I do have common sense. I did the speed limit once I got closer to the DC area, because sure enough what did I see coming up around the town of Gainsville and into Manassas, VA?

Yep!

A trooper in an unmarked car.

I passed him as he was returning to his vehicle after issuing a ticket. My heart actually started to thump faster than normal. My hands actually started to shake a little. I even cut down my music some.. (ha!) I don't know where this nervousness comes from. I don't think I ever had a bad exprience with an officer of the law. Not even when I was speeding in Oxford, NC and was pulled over by a NC state trooper.  Only negative experiences that sorta comes to mind are two things;

1) When I was about 10 or 11, I was with my family as we were coming from a bowling league night on Bolling AFB.  TWICE my father was pulled over at "random" for no reason. The second time was the last straw at they ordered us out the car as a dog sniffed through it. The reasons we were told "Just routine." However, car after car went by and no one else was pulled over. Just use, twice in one month. My father, being a high ranking officer in the National Gaurd, put his power to use.  He spoke to whatever general or commander he needed to, and the matter was cleared in a matter of a few days. I believe an apology was issued on behalf of whatever branch of the miltary that was represent at the gate those nights.

2) Around the time when I just got my first car (a moment of silence for the V-dub Jetta) I was driving around in a shopping center parking.. in Alexandria, VA (VA kills me.. oye!) I didn't look into my blind spot and see that a car was coming at me from the side as I pulled out of an aisle. What I do know is that an Alexandria City police officer saw me pull out and thought that I was intentionally driving wrecklessly. So he felt the need to be this tough cop.. picture Dwayne aka The Rock as that tough guy in that flick Walk Talk. What was sorta comical (only when I think back) is the fact that he yelled and scoled me from inside his car. He blew his horn, yelled at me to roll down my window and proceded to yell, scold and sceam at me some words... I don't even remember what he said, because at the time I was scared out of my wits and was ready to piss on myself.

Having that flashback makes me want to laugh but shudder at the same time.

Speaking of HOV restrictions (go up a few paragraphs) are babies considered a passenger during HOV times?

Speaking of babies, the Snickerdoodle is starting to form (somewhat) clear syllables. Right now we're at the stage where she wants to try to repeat some things I say. Though it still comes out as that baby "gobbly gook" she tries and tries until it at least sounds like a word.

What's erie though is this word she says "Nang." She says it was strong clarity.

Nang was a nickname my late grandfather gave to me from birth. He claimed that when I was babbling, all I ever said was "nang nang nang nang nang nang" So.. he called me Nang. He hardly ever called by my actual name.. unless I was in serious trouble, but even still he's only called me this maybe twice or three times EVER. My grandfather even had a wooden coathanger made for me with the nickname fixed atop in wooden letters. When he was alive, some of my family called me Nang.. just to be funny, but I retired the name after his death. Maybe in a way he was the only one I would really allow to call me that.

I never thought I would ever hear that name again until my daughter started speaking it only a couple of days ago. The facinating thing about it is, she looks me dead in the eyes and goes "Nang." My mother brought it to my attention the other, but even more so today as we were buzzing around the kitchen. As we were puttnig groceries away and getting the snickerdoodle's dinner together, the snickerdoodle cried her heart out. In the midst of her cries she went "Naaaaaaaaaang, nang!"

"She's calling for you," my mother said to me. "That's what you are. That's what's she's calling you."

I guess I'll always and forever will be "Nang."

In the meantime, as the household as settled down a bit, I still have some things to do. Thankfully I've already unpacked the suitcases of clothes.There's still a matter of downloading my photos onto Flickr (Thanksgiving and Christmas), posting offline journal entries onto my blog, more writing (something new), renew NABJ membership, follow up on important emails/phone calls -

Mental Note to Self - Call Mr. Sigma..he's been trying to get through since Thanksgiving - End Mental Note.

Right now I don't feel like doing Jack Boogie. I wanna do like the Snickerdoodle is doing now...

Sleep.

Instead I'm writing a blog while reading my snail mail and finding amusment amongst my pile of bills and late Christmas cards, I have a birthday card. The end of the year is only a few days away, but Feburary is a whole month and few days away. Yet, my health care provider felt the need to beat the birthday rush and send me a "greeting" all the while reminding me to have regular check ups....

Damnit!

I knew I forgot to do something this month...

Receive my annual Vaginal Probe... the PAP Smear.

Mental Note to Self - call OBGYN - End Mental Note.

I think my "goodies" just got scared.

Lavender Bra

Today I did something that I haven't done since....last Mother's Day? I did it. I conquered all my past anxiety about being absent from the church pew. For so long I've been saying how I do want to return to my church, but always found it difficult for some reason or another. Around the time I stopped, I was total mess and some of it came from what I was dealing with in my church home. Each time I went back some kind of anxiety would hit me.

Shortness of breath.

A sudden fear.

A sudden sickness from within.

Today, I'm proud to say there were no problems. I rolled my car into the parking lot and strutted up to the church in my heels with diaper bag, baby and purse all on the shoulder. However, I was a teeny bit on edge because I did not know how Taylor would behave in such a large live and loud setting.

(side note: I grew up in a Baptist church and my church is anything but "reserve." Talk about catching the Holy Ghost...)

Taylor did an excellent job! She was quiet the whole time. No fussing or cranky disposition. I figured a lot of it had to do with he fact the neither of us slept real soundly last night. Because of her long nap yesterday and napping again off and on while we were out, by nightfall she wasn't all that tired. She did her usual cat naps and would wake up in between crying and screaming. I placed her in her crib the whole time, while I tried to get sleep of my own.  However, that failed. By five in the morning I was taking her out the crib and placing her in bed next to me. We dozed off with ease, but only to wake up around eight to prepare for church.

In the midst of getting dressed, I did noticed how she stared at me..mainly my boobs.  I think the color of my bra caught her off gaurd. Normally she is use to seeing me in the standard white or black bra. Maybe she will even see me in pink, baby blue or tourqious, but lavender? Maybe my breasts looked totally different to her in that bra, but she stared at them for a long while. I really don't know what that is about.

Of course when we made it to church we were a little late. So I had to sit in those dreaded folding chairs that are placed in the aisle when there it is crowded in the church pews. 

(insert yahoo nervous face right HERE!)

I was front and center. The usher used her had gesture to point me in the direction of the folding chairs. The choir was in the midst of singing a selection. The pastor, first lady and the associate ministers were already on the pulpit.

Picture the scene from (the movie) The Color Purple when Shug Avery came in through the church doors singing her solo as the choir was singing and the congregation was in heavy worship. However, take away the crowd that followed Shug from the juke joint into the church. Place a newborn baby in Shug's arms, place glasses on her face, tone her make up down a little and voila....you have ME!

Needless to say, I enjoyed service this morning. I shedded my tears in the name of the spirit, counted my blessings, and listened to the pastor preach about Hannah from 1 Samuel.  Even though it maybe a bit cliche to speak about Hannah's situation on Mother's day; how she was barren and couldn't/wouldn't "perform" for her husband. Then in turn he got another woman pregnant and the woman was living in their house. I think there was a hidden message for me in regards to how Hannah handled her situation.

For the past week or so, I have been feeling salty towards Taylor's father for one reason or another. Maybe I am still stuck in the past about how our relationship went down. I admit that. I admit that I'm having trouble trying to move away from that, because in the midst of me still being stuck, I have become bitter in a way. My bitterness is titering along the lines of hate and I don't want that. I just wish that I could understand why I have such a bad taste in my mouth when it comes to him. I have NEVER HATED anyone in my life. Even if someone did me wrong, I've always been able to move forward.  Not this time. Not with him.

My pastor preached a lot about how Hannah kept her faith and never became bitter about her situation. It's one of those situations where it's really bad, especially when the devil is living in your house, but when you remain steadfast in the faith something beautiful will come out a bad situation. In thinking about Hannah I had to think about some of the simularities between her and I. Even though I was never pronouced barren, my chances of having a child didn't look so good. My body is so out of whack.  It does it's own thing. Originally, I was told that if I wanted to have kids I would have to go on the fertility pill. At that time no one looked into Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome - which is a condition I thought I had just before finding out I was pregnant-in fact I was being tested for this. At 20, after speaking with my OBGYN about a few things, we came to the conclusion that I might have Secondary Amenia. Nevertheless, my body did its own thing and performed a wonderful miracle.

At the thought of Hannah, despite her "dysfucntion" God performed a miracle of His own and bless Hannah with a child. As the preacher preached, I couldn't help but to look at Taylor as she was in her content state. Once again the water works started to flow. I can only imagine what God has instore for the both of us. It scares me sometime when I think about the future, or even see it in my dreams. From past exerience, sometimes what I dream about does come to past or it just serves as some cryptic, abstract warning to something to come.

What's funny is, yesterday I caught the televised commencement ceremony for Howard University. I felt a little upset that 1) I still have one semester to go with Howard before receiving my degree in journalism and 2) how I wished I was there on that lawn taking part of graduation, especially since Oprah was the keynote speaker. I cried through Oprah's message as well as she talked about going for your calling in life. She delivered it with such eloquance I can't even describe it. It was almost like she was preaching. Just like with today's sermon, I felt like I needed to hear Oprah's message as well. My inspiration has been a little down and I feel so out of sorts with everything concerning my writing. Then sometimes I question.. is writing what I AM SUPPOSE TO BE DOING?

But it's all that I think about!!!

Then she made a very good and valid point about achieving or obtaining that calling in life. She mentioned how some folks won't be as lucky to go right from school into the field of their dreams and pursue their life long dream. Those folks will have to take a job or go through something they don't want to take or go through just to get where they want to go. I thought about the Federal goverment job I left just to go out and pursue what I feel like I am destined to. Then I thought about the job with Mr. Yellow. How I did work hard for almost nothing only because it was in my field and wanted to build up my portfolio a little more. I thought about the ending result to that job situation with Mr. Yellow. I thought about the frustrations I'm feeling now in searching for a new job and even finding too much pride in myself to lower my work standards back to the administrative level, because I know what I can do. I even thought about Oprah's own humble beginnings. She too had left college to take a job in Baltimore as a news anchor. She too felt the wrath of unappreciative bosses and felt the pinch when they knocked her down to "just a talk show host" in order to push her off the air. Little did they know, the Black chic they called "Too Black. Too Bold and Too Fat" would be the success she is today

This is why I respect Oprah so much. I see bits of myself in her. I left college, with plans to return soon. For the record Oprah did go back to get her degree from Tennessee State University. Of course the obvious evidence of how she is also in the communiations field is another reason why I can identify. Also, the fact that she constantly gives so much is something that I long to be in a position to do. As Nisha and I continue to make the necessary strides in making sure the publishing company can stand on all legs, our ultimate goal is to have a non-profit along side in which we have literary workshops for high school students and adults. We want to set up a program for those with difficulty reading and writing, and much more.

I guess the connection I'm trying to make between the story of Hannah and Oprah's message is...1) everything in life obivously does happen for a reason. Why Taylor came into my life when she did, I probably will never know. 2) Because you may be faced with a stumbling block you should hold fast to your faith and your passion. If it is meant for you, it will come to you.

True, I'm only shy a couple of years from being 30, but I feel like I'm in a race most of the time. I don't know what im racing for, but I guess it's just me wanting to accomplish so much in so little time. In midst of it all, I'm hit with distractions or outside noise. My problem... when do I turn off the noise?

The noise...sometimes it's hard to shut off...especially when you are nosey like me.

I'm a grown woman, with a grown woman's health issue. The very first version of an entry of this title was in 2002 as I discussed my issues with my menstrual cycle. Today is a whole new day with a whole new issue. My day at the doctor's came today.  I could not have been any happier than if I were a kid being told I were going to Disney World. The jovial excitement build the closer the hour came for me to leave for my appointment.  You see, I've been dealing with some kind of digestive issue since late July and after finally acquiring an affordable health plan, finding a gastric specialist and making the appointment, this has been a big relief for me, my family and my circle of friends.

Even though I allowed the excitement to build, once I stepped foot in the bright plush, but comfy office, I knew this was it.  I knew I was going to face my fate of what was going on with me.  Even though I wasn't sure what fate would bring me, I was prepared. It seemed that it was only a matter of minutes after my arrival that I was in the doctor's office discussing my issues and going through those series of pesky little test, yanno like drawing blood. I hate when folks are trying to draw my blood because it takes forever to find the vein in my arm.  

Through further examination, the doctor became a little more concerned as she was feeling around my abdomen area. She asked if I was sure that I wasn't pregnant.  OF COURSE I'M SURE!!!  She immediately determined that I need to schedule a sonogram.  After feeling my abdomen, she concluded that I may have a fibroid or given from my discussion with her earlier about my mentrual problems - I may have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). Nevertheless, she told me the sonogram is definately needed to see what's going on inside me and of course to make sure there is no internal bleeding happening.

Okay, so what are fibroids? Without using any of that medical jargon, fibroids are simply pesky benign (not cancerous) tumors that are made up of mass muscle and tissue from the wall of the uterus. Their size varies. Aunt P had developed of few of them when she became pregnant with my cousin.  At the time she was told they were the size of softballs and the doctor was afraid that my cousin wouldn't be able to pass through when he was born.  Fortunately he did without any issues (except for when his ambilical cord was wrapped around his neck and halted his breathing for a few seconds), but Aunt P still has them.  Her stomach still looks as if she is pregnant. Yeah, fibroids can bloat your stomach like that.

There isn't a known cause for them.  I don't know the numbers, but apparently fibroids are very prevelant among Black women (gotta do research on that) and occure in women who are within the reproductive age range. There aren't any hardcore symptoms, but after looking on WebMD I found these:

Most fibroids do not cause any symptoms and do not require treatment other than regular observation by a doctor. Fibroids may be discovered during routine gynecologic examinations or during prenatal care. Some women who have uterine fibroids may experience the following symptoms:

• Excessive or painful bleeding during menstruation.
• Bleeding between periods.
• A feeling of fullness in the lower abdomen.
• Frequent urination resulting from a fibroid that compresses the bladder.
• Pain during sexual intercourse
• Low back pain.

Out of what has been mentioned above I have expereinced the fullness in lower abdomen and perhaps the freqeunt urination from time to time. I also get the lower back pain, but I think that's mainly due to the fact that I desperately need a new bed and matress. *ugh!*  The good news is that fibroids can be removed. Trust me, if it is found that I fibroids I want them removed as soon as possible.

Now, what is Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome? I had read about PCOS about a year ago in Figure magazine. Forgetting what I had read about it, I dug through my stacks of archived magazines and found the article I was looking for.  While on the phone with my friend LAF, I reread the full article.  Again, without using any of the medical language, PCOS are cysts that appear on the ovaries. It's characterized by irregular periods (which I have), early puberty (which I went through starting from the first grade), excess facial and body hair (ugh!), acne and difficulty getting pregnant. Like fibroids, there isn't a known cause for PCOS.

PCOS

PCOS has been difficult to diagnois. Not many doctors are aware of this symdrome. While it's not a disease, and there is no cure, but yet treatable, it's still one of those annoying medical conditions.  Some of it's reactions tend to remind me of those of a thyroid issue.  If not careful PCOS can cause weight issues (obesity), fertility issues, high rates of insulin production and heart desease.

Helpful information can be found through the US Dept of Health and Human Services, National Women's Health Information center.  

While the final verdict is still out, I'm kind of hoping this is nothing more than just a fibroid. As stated earlier, I would seek to have it removed and keep on moving about my business. In the menatime, the doctor did prescribe some constipation medication for me. I still have to schedule my sonogram. I have to do one more self "at home" test, but I'll spare my readers from that. Let's just say next week, for three days in a row, I have to deal with my own shit.  Literally.