14 posts tagged “school”

It's been an interesting 24 hours.

With receiving final word that I will be interning with the publication I had been interviewing with for the past month or so, to another paper calling TODAY wanting me to cover a story that was going down TODAY, my world feels suddenly invaded; in a good way of course.

Needless today, I couldn't take on the story for today since I've been caught up in studying for my last and most intense final that I'm taking tomorrow, plus no set babysitter. I do have another story surrounding domestic violence that I need to get on board and start pitching like... NOW.

What I have begun doing is work on the creative writing workshop I'm conducting for a third year in a row with a group of 6th grade boys. I get a wonderful kick out of working with them. Each group I've had so far has been really diverse with a lot of Latino, African and Asian boys; with a few White and African-American boys in the mix. I love  the diversity and how they seem to encourage each other when they read each other's work. And their words.......amazes me what's in a sixth graders mind; then again it really shouldn't. After all, for me it still feels like yesterday I was at the same crux or verge of being a child-child verses being a teenager with unexplainable hormones. Here I am facing 30 in two months.

I won't be meeting the boys until January, but I've already given them assignment to work on from now and until that time I see them. Just before I did a mini getaway with my mom and daughter, I emailed the facilitator of the volunteer program the assignment I had for the boys and asked her to read the instructions aloud. She did just that and the boys responded accordingly.

Again more positive feedback as I was told the boys really got into their assignment and look forward to officially start working with me in January. Some of them have already heard about previous years from their schoolmates and couldn't wait for their turn. Inspired by my class with Tony Medina, this year I'm doing something different for a final project for the program. Normally I would have the boys compile an anthology of all of their works together. This year, I'm trying for a chap book.

A chap book is a small paperback book, usually homemade, that poets use to compile a very small volume of their own work and sometimes sell them for a small fee. The chap book was actually my final project for Medina's class. I had fun putting it together and I figured this is something the boys could get into with their own work.

So far it seems 2010 will bring some exciting things may way, writing and creative wise. I'm anxious to get really started. As for now, after tomorrow's exam I truly have a small break between then and January - when I also start the internship and officially be declared a graduate - and I have no clue what I will do with myself in between.

That's the thing.... after working intensely for the past four or five months, what will I do now?

With the exception of one last final exam I'm taking on Wednesday, the semester is over. I kinda feel liberated, but not fully. Next semester is only a math course and the internship - which the local paper still hasn't made their final decision on. Then graduation. It only took me....what...... ten years?

My brain...my body feels beat up. Like I've been in a street fight for the last few months. Every week it was a paper on this and a paper on that. Sometimes two to three papers a week! Surprisingly I received nothing lower than a "B" on each one. I won't even reiterate the reading assignments for this semester. Nevertheless I made it.

I zoomed to campus today to drop off my last and final paper. As I was coming home, an oldie but goodie Lauryn Hill song was playing; actually one of my favorites - "Everything Is Everything." I looooooooooooove the lyrics so it's not odd that the song always strikes a cord with me when I play it or some DJ is cutting it up. However, today part of the chorus reasonated with me in a very profound way.

"...after winter, must come spring. Change will come eventually."

I don't know where to begin with the emotional change that has taken place in my life. I do realize, for the longest time...pretty much all of my twenties I was in winter. Crazy as it seems, though I was born in winter - actually on the verge of a snow storm - it's not my favorite season. I'm alive and happiest in spring and summer. Still, imagine being stuck in winter mode during spring and summer. How can that be right? You want to sing out and be free and enjoy the sun, but inside you're cold and pretty much dead to the world. That's how I had been for much of my early adult life. Winter claimed residence.

Slowly I started making changes. Sometimes they were for the better, other times... maybe not, which left me stuck with winter lingering around a bit longer. The heaviest of emotional waves hit me ironically around the time when my home was going through renovations. My life, emotionally, seemed to parallel with the changes taking place to the house. What I haven't wrote about is the fact that though the renovations started in May 2008, they still aren't complete. We had a couple of stand stills, with the major one taking place last fall as permits had to be secured for the most major parts to be continued.  We got the permits and the contractors were back at work. For a while things seemed to be moving right on schedule and then another long pause.

With 90 percent of the house finished no one is complaining, but the long pause really is no fault of our own. Unfortunately the recession hit our contractor VERY hard. He lost out on high paying contracts he had bidding for and pretty much had to rearrange his funds, probably even right down to his personal funds. He apologized profusely and really didn't want to leave my family nor his subcontractors out to dry as he did. It actually seemed that he too went into a depression state for a while as he and his family were on the verge of loosing their home.

As I said no one complained, since much of the work is completed. What's left are a few odds and ends, with only one major room left to completely renovate - my bedroom. I have my new bed and few other things, but haven't been able to set anything up because the room is still in total disarray with my parents' old furniture, clothes and things. There there are cracks along the walls (some from renovations some from aging) and peeling paint. Pretty much I've been the only one really inconvienced during this break. I may have grumbled about the mess when stubbing my baby toe on some piece of furniture, but in the end I'm just thankful I have a spot in the room to lay my head at night.

The pause came just before the summer broke in and just other day the contractor called and emailed to say he is back in business. He is looking to start finishing up with our home in January. When I first heard the news I was more concerned about him, hoping that his financial status was in order. Then I stopped for a moment and thought back to the parallel of progression. I can't explain it, but the timing seems to be right on the dime. Again as I'm coming in for the home stretch with school so is the completion of the house. Most of all my emotional outlook looks better and perhaps brighter than it had been before.

I still get stomped every now and then with some emotional wave coming out of left field, but overall I'm ok. I'm better. I feel spring coming around the corner.

The semester is coming to a close and I feel like I'm loosing it. I know... what happened to the tranquil crash I just experience over the past few days during Thanksgiving? I hate to admit this to myself, but I saw this coming. My heart was in the right place to work on projects and assignments during the break, but my body nor my brain would allow me. So I pushed myself all day Monday to complete what needed to be done by Tuesday...leaving me to complete what needs to be done by tomorrow.

Tomorrow. Last day of classes as well as the launch date for the magazine. I'm helter skelter right now. Trying to gain balance.. and failing. Either STILL too tired to be organized enough to accomplish things in a timely manner or I'm subconsciously procrastinating. I literally said the other day.. I'm tired of thinking intellectually. I need to just be dumb for a few days to give my brain a rest.

What's odd is I've NEVER been an emotional eater. Normally when I'm this stressed, or a bit lost about something my stomach is too tied in knots to eat. If I even try to eat it will barely stay down. I have to force myself to get it down or else.... a pukey mess. However, this time it's different. I feel myself eating just as I'm thinking of a game plan or strategy on how to attack the assignment at hand. Maybe it's in part because there are hearty Thanksgiving leftovers in the fridge along with a rich deep dark chocolate layered cake I made. I do feel "it's that time" as well since I've been eating up the chocolate in the house. Nevertheless, I'm paying for all the chocolate intake via the acne appearing on my face now - yeah I breakout when I over indulge with the chocolate.

Besides the final exams coming up in another week, the final papers I have due soon and even the launch of the magazine, I have another added stress. For the past fews weeks I've in talks with a popular local paper for an internship position. Things seemed to be rolling along ok, but I'm left anxious as I await their final decision. I first spoke with the publisher who seemed to be impressed with my cover letter and resume. Though she thought I would be a good fit for the position, she turned me over to the assistant managing editor. I met with the editor a few weeks later and at the time I thought we got off to a good start. Yet, part of my nervousness now is as I reflect I wonder if I was too comfortable during the quasi-formal (informal?) interview and a bit too familiar.  *big sigh*

Still I walked away from the interview with a mission to do. The editor wanted me to audition (sorta speak) by having me come up with a topic to write about for one of their blogs and write up the story/blog. I did the story, plus took pictures. I submitted everything on Thanksgiving Eve. Last night I sent a follow up email to inquire about the status of my submission and their final decision. I received a response thanking me for my submission and that they were still interviewing other candidates.

So I wait.

Bite my nails, take a hit of the chocolate cake, stumble over words in my academic papers, bite my nails some more, take shot of cornbread and sausage stuffing, bit my nails, sleep, wake up to work on papers, say a prayer or two.. then a few.

It's mine.

It's a struggle to get these thoughts out. I convinced myself I needed to write to get me going again. Since Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, I've been feeling as if I've been in a daze. As if my body and mind has reached it's highest level of excitement and activity that it can't do anymore...at least not at this time. Still I have four more papers to complete before the close the of the semester, plus some editing and writing duties for the publication that is officially launching.. err ummm this week!!! (EEK!)

I didn't realize how busy and how truly drained I have been since August. From writing two to three papers just about every week, to writing creatively for Medina's class and even throwing in some journalism duties PLUS coming home to take care of whatever issues there, I should be half out my mind. Still I'm in tact. A long time ago this would have drowned me. I would have given in to defeat and sat on the sidelines, again prolonging my "college career." But a force stronger than me has kept me afloat. I've just lived up to my end as far as the work goes.

This year I didn't formulate any real thoughts on Thanksgiving. I was just thankful for the second year in a row that the "Ides of November" wasn't looming - death, depression, sickness, over blown drama - and I was able to spend Thanksgiving with the ones I love. The day after met me with an incredible body crash. I managed to get up early with the Snickerdoodle and give her breakfast and watch her favorite shows with her. However, for the most part I stayed on the couch with one eye on the Snickerdoodle as she played and another trying to talk me into a full fledge sleep. Stayed away from my computer and for the most part my Blackberry; though I did send and received a couple of text messages. I did get a couple of cat naps in, but once the Snickerdoodle was in bed for the night, I wasn't far behind.

I slept a deep, dreamless sleep. The best.

Saturday met me with such energy. I knew I still had work to complete, but the computer just didn't appeal to me. I didn't fret over it at all. I spent the day helping my father dig out Christmas decorations and few other items from the storage shed. I did find a few goodies that once belonged to me as a kid that I'm now giving to the Snickerdoodle.

Vintage c. 1980

So this red chair was wrapped up and towards the back of the storage shed. Apparently my grandfather gave this to me when I was about 2 or 3 years old. Of course I looked it and said the Snickerdoodle had to have this. She saw it and couldn't wait to sit in it.

Vintage c. 1980s

Then there was my "Dressy Bessy" doll; the doll that helps you understand how to zip, button, snap and tie. I think this was my favorite find for the Snickerdoodle. After I gave Bessy a good spin around the washing machine, to brighten her up, the Snickerdoodle hasn't been able to put her down. She loves this, which is a bit of shock to me. Usually the Snickerdoodle doesn't play with dolls at her. She's more for toys with actions and that makes noise. Then again, with Bessy there is action as you zip, snap, tie and button.

By the end of the day I was tired. My whole body ached. Energy was gone. I took a bubble bath and headed straight for the bed. I was nearing my deep sleep when the Snickerdoodle awoke in the middle of the night. For whatever reason she wasn't  trying to go back to sleep. She wasn't ill, but I knew she too was tired having a long day playing outside. Still she fought sleep and made space in my bed for her, her blankie, and Bessy. I made several attempts for her to go back to sleep, but none was working.

Sesame Street Presents - Follow that Bird

Soooooo.

We had an impromptu slumber party as we watched a couple of movies on OnDemand Shrek and Sesame Street's Follow That Bird (a classic from my generation when I was like... 5) The Snickerdoodle stayed up and watched both movies and still fought to go back to sleep. Nevertheless by 4:30 am she was too tired to fight and my body felt like it wanted to slap the crap out of me for not sleeping. Once I knew for sure the Snickerdoodle was sleep (in her own bed), I collapsed back into my bed, falling into a deep repose until the house phone rang around 8 am. Then my cell phone rang no later than that.

I hit ignore for both calls and went back to sleep.

My body and mind had grown just that tired. Even now.. as it's only inching towards 3:30 in the afternoon, my bed seems to be calling. Just one more day of sleep and I'll be ready to finish out the last week of classes and the next week of a final exam, plus the last two papers that are due. 

IMGP1545

It can be so easy to write a journal entry when things are sour. It's when I feel most compelled to pour everything out of my soul. My emotions are raw, but it's all out. Released. The end result is (sometimes) a better understanding of the situation or just a feeling of euphoria as feelings and thoughts are inked on record and out of my system. Yet, it's so rare that I actually take time to write about some of the fascinating or brighter spots. Even during the times that I do, I find myself tongue tied and my vox doesn't come out as raw or emotional as I like.

Noneoftheless, after weeks of neglecting my blog I'm finally finding some time to sit down, share and reflect on the latest happenings. What I'm glad to report is, I've been busy and bit happier than "normal." Even though the math class I've been made to repeat after not having algebra in my face for over 10 years has been challenging, but I'm trying to deal; tutor from the math lab and tutorial DVD that came with the text book. 

As for what has been going on I'll guess I'll start with....

Home....

Things are fine and calm at home. My schedule at school isn't a bad one, but the time and energy spent on my work is completely draining. Thank God for my mom, for taking care of the Snickerdoodle while I tend to school and other matters. Sometimes I feel guilty for not being able to give the Snickerdoodle my immediate attention, but I do realize it's not the end of the world. I try to squeeze in every ounce of mother/daughter time that I can when I come home, but a lot of times it's not that simple as I have an assignment that needs to be done immediately. I figure my daughter is only 2. She'll forgive me.

Trust me when I say, I do cherish dinner time, bath time and (sometimes) bedtime. Bedtime is the hardest, because she is soooo like me; a night owl. She hates it when she has to retire for the evening. She'll cry and maybe ridiculously scream. I get frustrated as I try to work and she is fighting sleep. Somehow I manage to calm down before it gets too crazy and realize this is just motherhood. EVERY mother has gone through this. So I deal. Reading a bedtime story or maybe lingering in her bed for a moment or two until she is calm enough to drift to sleep.  

My grandmother....

Since the passing of her husband in July, her life seems to be looking up. Her (pre) dementia hasn't been acting up as much. Though she still has glitches with her memory, she tries so hard to remember. She hasn't been depressed (as much). The only time she gets in a blue mood is when she allows unnecessary worries flood her thoughts. They are mainly concerns about the legalities of her late husband's estate. Some of the worry seems valid as his family wasn't the best of one. The attacks and betrayals against my grandmother were hurting to her, especially when she showed them nothing but love from the very beginning.

Nevertheless, my grandmother has been preparing to move from the late husband's house. While the estate is being worked on it's clear that his family is still trying to dig a hole for her, but in turn the hole will be for them. My grandmother is looking forward to the move and even got more excited the other day when she received a call that the house is just about ready and she can have a walk through next week.

I'm actually looking forward to helping on her moving day. This fresh start is something he truly needs. Maybe it will trickle down a bit into other parts of the family as well.

Freelance Project....

The launch of the magazine is less than a month. There is still much to be done including recruiting more writers. I get the feelings everything will fall into place, but I don't want this to fail. This is essentially a team effort and I don't want to fail in any way on my part. So what's left for me to do? Contact and respond to a few more interested writers, make an announcement on journalism sites, coordinate with other editor to have a budget (journalism term for story ideas/headlines/topics that will make in the publication) meeting and once stories are submitted, edit.  It seems simple, but everything will go so fast and hectic, especially the closer it is to launch time.

Yet I love it!

Papi...

Things between us are going soooo well. In the midst of our busy lives, we always find time to go out and have fun. Our latest venture was something on my part. I had two invites for this past Wednesday Congressional Black Caucus reception given by the city council at The Park on 14th. I invited Papi and course he had no idea what I had gotten him into. It was nice to get all dressed up to mix and mingle for a while. Actually we arrived a bit late, so we missed the small presentation, but he still he got to meet some of my political connects except for the biggest one of all....YA. The place was crowded... utter madness. We stayed for like an hour and some change, before we decided to go eat.

We finally made our way to Eatonville and I'm still raving about the shrimp and crawfish ettoufe. LOOOOOOVES IT!   

Church, School and Spirituality....

My pastor and I finally did get to talk about the newsletter he wants me to revive. He understood fully that my plate is basically full until December. We concluded we would follow up in December and prepare for a January (re) launch of the church's newsletter.

For the first time in a long while, I've been attending church on the regular. Actually, some of the spiritual lessons from church that I've been receiving I've been incorporating into thought from discussions I have in my creative writing class. I'm so glad I was able to get in another class taught by Tony Medina. Though, I'm the oldest one amongst my classmates, the discussions does make me pause for a moment and ponder amongst the banter between the 19, 20 and 21 year olds that are in the class.

Last week, a simple topic turned really heavy as we discussed an Albert Einstein quote - "Imagination is more valuable than knowledge."

We argued the points imagination verses knowledge and somehow ended up on Christianity. Actually I know how we ended up there, but that's a different journal entry altogether. Yet it perplexed me that within that same week I had a dream that stuck with me until I looked up the symbols that stood out the most.

The dream found me in Egypt where I was with a group lead by another professor of mine (in reality that particular professor takes a group of students to Egypt every year and last week he did mention next years trip in class). Somehow, I and two women who were roughly ten years older than me were drifting away from the group in a raft. The group noticed we were drifting and tried everything in vain to save us, but we were drifting away fast. What perplexed me was how we were surrounded by nothing but water, but I didn't have any fears. I knew we were going to be alright. The dream flipped to where we are being pulled to land, but we don't actually walk on land. We are in water, like in a pool. The water is very light blue and clear enough for me to see tiles at bottom and on the side of the pool. The tiles are white trimmed with gold.

People are talking/interviewing us, asking were we scared about being along at sea. I let the other two women talk about the incident, but someone asked me was I scared and I said no. The dream seems to flip again as folks, especially the people from whatever group I was with, were rushing back to their "hotel" rooms to change for a ceremony. I don't rush back, but what I find is, everyone is staying in this dormitory. Everyone has changed and rushes to this great hall that looks more like a cathedral sanctuary. I arrive to the ceremony and spot a couple of folks I knew from high school. I'm guessing I'm in the balcony section because I'm looking down and the ceremony has started and it's this formal protocol service for a king of some African nation.  

I looked up the symbols and began to put the puzzle together.

Egypt: Roots or core of your own emotion/spirituality. May also suggest a simpler time.

Raft drifting/floating: Unsure where you're headed to. Confused on purpose & direction in life.

White (the tiles): Purity, perfection, peace, innocence, dignity, cleanliness, awareness, new beginning. Also may indicate mourning/death.

Gold (the tiles): Wealth, riches, natural healing, illumination and/or spirituality.

Dorm: Value placed on knowledge and education. Believe that you are always learning, and not just in a classroom.

Ceremony: Sacrifice and devotion necessary for success. Maybe going through a crucial moment in life that requires commitment. It's a time for introspection, self discovery and inner changes.

Last night as I caught the rerun of Oprah's interview with rapper Jay-Z, one thing that stood out was how Oprah made the comment that neither of their paths of "fame and fortune" were something they foresaw. There was no clear vision for it all. Of course Jay agreed and pretty much said that it was all about the passion and hard work he was willing to put in to making music - which of course opened doors for his business to spread into the fashion, restaurant/club and sports industries.

Not to sound redundant or like plenty of others who have said this, but I absolutely believe I was not meant to be the so-called average or ordinary person - as I see it. However, the reality of finally being done with my undergraduate studies is drawing near and it's a bit scary, because again I feel as if I'm faced with I don't know where I'm going to land; which could explain the drifting away from the group on a raft. Yet, the interesting thing is I'm not as scared as I was when I left the federal government five years ago. I do feel some ease but what has me on edge are the journalism tasks I have before me.

Last semester was the ultimate boot camp I needed to refresh my skills. However, this current project, launching a NATIONAL publication, IS my ceremony. I feel this is the moment that will truly make or break me.  Even still, as I'm finding myself falling in love with journalism all over again I've been giving some serious thought about attending graduate school for it. Before my attitude has been that you really don't need a masters in journalism, since it has always been believed that everything about the field you learn, you learn by being hands on with it. However, the industry has changed sooooooooo much! A lot of old journalism standards are being chucked away to make room for "new media."

So with that.. it wouldn't hurt to have a masters... would it? I'm guessing this is why the dorm was in my dream and actually before the ceremony. Ah! Maybe it's my big hint that I should go to graduate school!

Though I'm into the journalism world, I also consider myself an artist as I do write creatively and have shared my work and been published. Yet, in some of what I write I see a constant struggle to write with a connection to my spirituality verses writing for the sake of writing.  When I write for the sake of it I loose focus, find myself imbalanced and uninterested.. which leads to droughts. I hate it in every sense because I feel lost. There have been times when I've been so connected that when after I had written something, reread it and have others look at it.. every immediate reaction has been a speechless or one word of utter shock.

It's a "Where did THAT come from moment?"

I haven't had that moment in a really long time and I yearn for it, because those are the moments when I feel so connected to God. I think in a lot of ways this creative writing class is helping me to get to the core of it all. After all, the assignment due for Tuesday is to write a writer's creed based on why I write. This, perhaps, is my Egypt; this time and space. This is helping me get to the core of my emotion and spirituality.

Yesterday while on my way to campus I played my Madonna "Ray of Light" cd. I forgot how much I loved that album, especially the song "Swim." Since having those dreams nearly a year ago about swimming, I've been comparing this part of my journey to swimming, immersing myself in all the untouched emotions I either brushed away or totally blocked to avoid some kind of hurt and just dealing with them and washing myself clean from them. For the most part I have, which why I can only believe there is a strong meaning behind the Egypt dream with me ending up in a clear bluish pool of water looking at the tiles on the bottom and the side.

In a way I do feel as if I represent both meaning of the white tiles. There is this sense of new awareness, but there is also this sense of mourning as a couple of folks I thought would be in this part of my life aren't. But it's okay. It's all about growth. The meaning behind the gold tiles is interesting. How deep will this richness go?

All I ask is that the Lord doesn't stop blessing me and sticking with me. May I stay focused and able see my work through

This is bad. Either I am really a slave to my distractions or I REALLY have ADD. It's the third week of school and I'm behind. Not really behind, but behind enough that if I procrastinate any longer I'll be in a hole. I'm worried that with this final semester I'm cramming too much. The schedule really isn't that bad considering I'm taking 19 credit hours. I just need to find some kind of balance in my "free" time.

I can easily blame motherhood, but that's only a partial blame - if you will. Currently the Snickerdoodle is sleep, and I've been having a hard time focusing on a task. A simple task that I had originally committed myself to completing last week. This is bad and I feel bad that I've acquired this acute "senioritis." I fight to push through it, but phsyically I'm wiped out. Between the walking up the [very] steep hill(s) on campus going from class to class, to coming home to attend to family matters and other side things I may need to take care of; i.e. running errands, I'm phsyically pooped and needing, wanting sleep.

Granted, it's not like I haven't done any work since school started, but it's just the minimum and slightly lower.

This is bad. It can't be like this.

A couple of weeks ago in church, I went to the alter laying my burden of school down before the Lord. All I asked was for help to keep me sane and strong to get through this last semester. So it is here, on this virtual page, that I ask the Lord to help keep me lifted and motivated. May I find peace and balance in this hectic semester.

I can not and WILL NOT go back to those early days of exhulstion and depression.

The so-called "senior-itis" decided to hit me this week. This week of all weeks where classes are ending on Thursday and I have a mountain of things to complete. Well not exactly a mountain, but enough to have me feeling coo-coo. Or perhaps nothing at all. Maybe my resistance to being overwhelmed has taken over. So much so that I practically don't want to do anything right now.

I have news articles to complete, but that's no biggie. My biggest "worry" has been with my Black Aesthetics class. Thankfully the research paper was knocked down to just a proposal. Cool beans right? Even cooler, the due date for it is the official end to the semester, May 6, in which grades for non-graduating folks have to be turned in. This Thursday two 7-10 page book reviews have to be completed for the same class. This is where my concentration is nonexistent.

It's not that I didn't read the books to do the review and answer the questions within the format. The problem is these books are heavily philosophical in attempting to understand African rationality on life through art and cultural practices. So to me the books were filled with over stuffed rhetoric to make one simple point, which means I'm combing through the language to find the central point/answer to the questions being asked.  My original goal was to have the two reviews completed by the end of the weekend. I attempted to start, even as far as today. I actually did start, but I couldn't stay focused.

I woke up this morning taking my time to get on campus. By the end of the day I was a bit freaked out because those damn book reviews still aren't complete. I figured once I have these reviews done, everything else is smooth sailing (cause it pretty much is). Still my mind wants to focus on the interview I'm conducting tomorrow at the Capitol, following up on internship potentials, possibly going to Baltimore on Saturday to see Kel and of course the family room furniture that is being delivered tomorrow so that means clearing out more space in the midst of the (minor) construction junk left behind.

Here it is 1:13 am.

I stopped my work to chit chat on my instant messenger and even pop a spice cake in the oven. As I was mixing the cake batter I said to myself....

"I'll ask for an extension. I have too much going on. The home renovations (what's left of it), the back to back news coverage I'm handling lately and plus the editing for the website. Dr. C will understand. I can turn in the reviews along with the proposal on the 6th."

And so this is what I have resigned my thinking to.

What a load off.

What's interesting...

A young lady sent me an email yesterday. She was suppose to have turned in her article by the deadline I had set, but missed it. Her email explained her missed deadline as she went into detail about how she suffered an anxiety attack and under a doctor's care, placed on bedrest. She further went into story ideas for the next issue and promising to submit a story ASAP. 

She could have been faking, but I doubt it. Her email didn't drip of lies. Feeling compelled my response to her was...

Hello "Student,"
 
First and foremost.. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.. take care of yourself. Trust me, I've been there (anxiety attacks) a few times. It's probably nothing more than feeling overwhelmed. Please if you ever feel overwhelmed.. take a a break even if it is for a day or two to do absolutely nothing. Just anything to get your mind together and mentally back on track. It's hard.. believe me I know.. but it's truly a must do.
 
Second.. the last budget meeting for "news website" was last Tuesday. Being that this is the last working week of the semester I think whatever is due for today is it. Did you need to fulfill a story requirement for one of your classes? If so, you may have to speak to your professor, Professor "L" (who helps run "news website") or see "Department Chair."
 
Please let me know if there is anything I can do.

Yanno... mental health issues concerning black women, especially college age black women, are really near and dear to me. I really need to get on the ball and move forward with my quasi-proposed documentary. It's needed.

As for the young lady, she thanked me for my advice.

As for myself.. I'm taking it.

Hence the extension I need to ask for.  

Today was the day. To face the school's journalism department and a couple of outside guests. To discuss my journalism "career" since being in school.. or in my case... since my time in AND out of school. Silly and bit brave of me to volunteer myself first a few days before today's presentations. The pressure was on leading up to the moment. However, once I stood up and began talking I was on autopilot. 

I'm in the thick of things but I still feel like I'm moving at a snails pace. I do have a challenge set before me, actually it started at the beginning of the semester. It's the whole step up my journalism game challenge. All I can say at this point, this particular time is one helluva time for me to return to school. I mean this in a good way in regards to perfecting my professional craft.

Some of my classmates and I received an interesting and unexpected lecture on Thursday. Our regular professor was away at a conference and so someone else on staff stepped up to the plate that day. One thing about this particular class is that it is structured like an actual newsroom setting, atmosphere and all. So the class is treated as such as we have budget meetings or meetings where we discuss each other's topics/stories that will be in the next issue/edition/posting of the (online) publication connected to the class.  We were in the midst of having a budget meeting when the "moderator" began to interject with his thoughts. The conversation spinned in a very interesting and yet valid way.

In so many words he warned us that in today's world it's no longer - from the standpoint of a broadcast communications person - about going to school with a tunnel vision view or wanting to work on one skill and perfecting that skill. Now days, in the journalism realm, the journalist's is expected to an all-in-one package. The person has to be the writer, producer, editor, photographer, web designer and whatever else until the journalism sun. Of course I noticed this as I was hunting for a job. A few times I came across an ad looking for a straight up and down writer/editor with the job description say as such. Majority of the time companies were looking for more than just a writer and print editor. They wanted someone with just as much web design experience and even some field editing (broadcast) experience to mix in. Whatever the case, it was always something a little extra than what I had to offer, which cost me plenty opportunities.

Our moderator stressed the importance that we must know everything there is possibility to know about our subject and that we can't half step. Not only are we suppose to be curious through our nature, but we have to be complete know it alls. I got a little tickled when it mentioned the "know it all" point, especially the point he made about people don't necessarily have to like you socially because of this, but they will respect you professionally and take you seriously when you present nothing but facts. So many times I've noticed when people are turned off by, not so much an opinionated person, but one with all the facts to back it up. Yet the flip side has been, the person that is turned off usually comes away with "they had a point though."

The curriculum at the school of communications hasn't changed much, but it has evolved so that we, the students, can not only work on our craft but receive a feel for other tasks. Technology has been a good advantage and perhaps a disadvantage. As our moderator talked more about his experience in the broadcast realm, it became clear that jobs are easily phased out in a blink of an eye because of how advanced technology is becoming. Listening to him explain it, cameras are pretty much becoming self sufficient and even much more concise as far as clarity in a shot.

The most intriguing thing to me was his take on the economy. Too often have I read where some news organization has cut jobs left and right, even the most well established had to do such; the Washington Post, Time Warner, etc. As for the well established journalists themselves, it is just how the moderator put it; they are so well at what they do, their companies want them, but can't afford them. So many are doing what some have been doing in the first place, side gig as an educator, teaching the "craft" at colleges and universities. With us, "The new breed," that's trickling into the field, companies want us because we are the young fresh and new. We (supposedly) have all these other talents, skills and experiences that match up to this technologically advanced and economically challenged world. So in our moderator's eyes, this is the most unique and perhaps the best time for us to be in this field.

With all that said, I walked away from that class, with a dull headache from digesting all of what the moderator had to say, also with the realization that what he said was very real and very true. I ended up having to do a mental count of stories I've completed thus far and what I had coming up on the plate. I was actually on schedule and more on time than I thought, but with this week I feel a minor set back. I'm working on two stories, with a third one I just had in mind to do today. The two I'm suppose to be working on should be slated for this week's deadline, but it's not nearly ready. What is shaping out for today will be ready and available much quicker.

So it looks like a rearrangement of stories is coming on.

Speaking of reporting on stories, the idea or topic that came to me today was prompted by attending a meeting. Today I took part in another community meeting in which DC. Delegate Eleanor Holmes-Norton came to speak. To start, I received kudos for the inauguration story I wrote, from people I knew and DIDN'T know. The nervous or freaky thing is I'm beginning to wonder how much of my (government) name (no one really knows me by Mahoganie, except for the creative/fiction and online world) is actually out there in my community... in my city.

I was introduced to a couple of people and one person stopped me dead in my tracks. When I extended my hand for them to shake, the person pulled me in closer and said the dreaded words,

"I've heard plenty about you."

This is the third or fourth person within this circle of well connected DC folks that has told this to me.  Not that I'm nervous about anything in my life. I'm pretty much an open book, but I am curious as to what these folks know. The obvious is whose daughter I am, because my folks are pretty much "in the know" themselves. Sometimes I think that's all it is, but other times, because of the tone and the way these folks say it, it makes my heart rate go up a notch.

Am I guilty about something? Hmmmm

What's also interesting to note.... all of these are MEN.

As they say.. you'd be surprised what people know, don't know.. and more importantly who they know.

I think my time in blogging is up. I have an article to write, another to plan and prepare for tomorrow's church service and a superbowl party I will be attending.

I'm freaking out. About to cry tears of happiness and relief.

A few weeks ago, just at the start of school, I blogged about a dream I had. A dream in which my mother kept telling me that I needed to pay off some of my bills, but I kept telling her there wasn't enough money in my account. We sort of went back and forth about it (in the dream) for a while, before she finally gave me this strange look and said "ok." I remember when I blogged about it I spoke on my nervousness about (another) federal loan I took out for school.

In past semesters when I finally claimed financial independent status while enrolled at school, I took out loans only to be short changed and having to contribute to my tuition by any other financial means.  A lot of times things failed and didn't come through, leaving me stranded or scrabbling for "change" to complete a semester. Obviously this was added on stress to my life and my college "career" until I literally said "Fuck It," and took my hiatus.

Since the beginning of this semester I found it odd that I never recieved any communication from school concerning my financial aid; if my information had been recieved and what would I be awarded. I tried not to worry cause I figured it was out of my hands, but being the nervous ninny and control freak that I am I had to investigate. The second week into school I found that my aid information had been recieved but the school wanted me to fill out additional information before anything could be processed. Basically more income proof. I had a feeling what set the "alarm" off. In the past it was just me. Now obviously I have a little one to take care of and obviously claiming. Needless to say I completed what they asked of me and turned it immediately.

Meantime, my nervousness was being mixed in with frustration. I couldn't access the school's Blackboard system - a intergrated school networking site that allows students and teachers to commincate virtual as well as to post and received assignments and turn them in online. I wasn't "Validated" (because tuition hadn't been paid) to access Blackboard, which I absolutely need to receive my assignments and download and print out documents that my professors post daily. I kept trying and trying to log in, but I couldn't get in until... this past Saturday. I figured I must finally be validated. Thankfully I didn't miss much via Blackboard.

Even as I was able to log into Blackboard I didn't bother logging onto my student account info site. I was too nervious to see and learn that I just might be short changed again. Nevertheless, my curiousity got the best of me late last night. As I read my account info I found myself fixated on this figure that didn't look like a charge. It was sitting right next to the Pell Grant. I kept reading and re-reading to make sure I was reading correctly.  All of the tuition and fees seemed to have been paid for, but I wasn't understanding what this "charge" was sitting next to the amount of the Pell Grant that went into my account.

This morning I called student accounts only to have my dream confirmed. I'm due a refund. This time the government uped the ante on my Pell Grant, which allowed them to over pay my tuition and send the difference to me. I'm glowing. Lord knows I needed it at this time. Granted it's not a lot, but if I plan and budget the right way it could last throughout the semester.

This is just added momentum and confirmation, that yes.... it's time for me to finish school! No Bull Shitting for real this time.

Yes I've said my "thank yous" to the Lord, but obviously I'm not done.

Excuse me while I go sit and and cry my tears of relief.