9 posts tagged “religion”
I've been struggling a bit to write a decent blog about this weekend and some lessons I've learned. Yet it's been a mental fight to say what I need to say as I even had to revisit an old entry of mine. I've been battling with spiritual maturity and it has been kicking me in the ass.
Untill I can finish getting my thoughts together, part of me feels the need to repost my entry "Good Christian, Bad Christian." The other part of me just wants to take a full fledge break from writing in this blog.
If you are a visitor and would like to know what was said in my entry from February, just click there ----------> Good or Bad?
The day is done. I'm phsyically tired, but I'm emotionally charged. Mentally... I'm 90% there.
Divine messages have once again interjected into my life. Perhaps in the most usual form, but I believe I got the memo.
I finally finished Jennifer Weiner's Certain Girls late last night. Again, my hats off to her for such an excellent work. I will admit it was in a bit of shock towards the end when she decided to write off a character. Honestly, I pretty much grieved last night with Cannie Shapiro, because like her, I too had grown accustom to the character that was killed off. The person was a permanent fixture in the fictional world of Cannie - so I thought.
Nevertheless, my revelation didn't come with the character's death as it served as an culminating event to the plot. It was more so Cannie's reclaiming herself in the aftermath of everything - her true purpose in life... her Divine purpose in life. What was it? Naturally it was to write. The calling was there ... been there... for Cannie to write something sincere from the heart. From her gut. Not out of anger as she did with the first novel that eventually caused her shame and made her hide under a psuedo. Though she was good at it (apparently) and found her comfort zone in writing under another name, it wasn't the REAL Cannie.
The way Weiner summed up Cannie's fears on writing again or just writing a book in general hit home for me. It was all about protecting the ones she loves in the midst of her own madness (true or made up) and releasing in order to let go..or maybe just coast along in a comfort zone. Yet deep within, because of whatever insecurities her real life's work or purpose in life was obscure of foggy.
This morning I arose with thoughts in my head on finishing my work/manuscript as I scrambled around prepping my daughter for her big day in church. She was dedicated today and for a time I felt as if I were going to cry. Actually I did most of my crying last night as I read through Joy's bat miztvah and her message and even made some comparisons of my own daughter's life. Like a bar/bat miztvah a dedication is very much indeed an important milestone. It's a process or MY commitment as a mother... a parent... to "offer" my child's life back to God. It's up to me to guide her through life and raise her in the light of God until she is old enough to say "Mother I want to fully commit to Him."
As I listened to my pastor's words today during the dedication and during the sermon (from which he preached on the widow in debt with her empty vessels and filled it with oil as Elisha instructed her to do and further told her to sell the oil in order to repay her debt - 2 Kings 4:1-11) the tears filled the corners of my eyes. Today, I was not only being charged with the duty of motherhood, but also my purpose. my writing...my oil.
Are my vessels (of life) empty?
I probably still have some cleaning to do, which is something that I may need to serious sit down think and pray on.
If anyone who reads my blog doesn't hear from me in a while.. don't worry... more than likely... I'm behind closed doors working with my oil to fulfill something that I do feel is calling me.
I have a story to tell... somebody's needs to hear it.
Thanks to Papi, I've been listening to Ledisi's latest album, Lost & Found. It has been helping me on my writing journey these past couple of days; along with reading The Purpose Driven Life.
So far, everything seems good.
A lot of thoughts been swirling in my head, but I'm afraid I don't have time to sit and reflect on it all at this moment. In another hour this house will be converged upon with the contractors and landscapers. Ironically everyone was suppose to be here on Saturday to do their part. Yet, someone had an emergency. Another was tied up with another job on the far side of town and so on.
Pause as I hear the doorbell........air conditioning man has arrived.
Needless to say I am pretty much on my toes right now.
Thought to self - I wonder if the electricity will be cut off. I am washing and on the computer.
What I did want to reflect on today is some news my mother shared with me last night.
I'm a home owner.......well sorta.
I won't get into all the (personal) specifics of how it came to be; just that my mother has been an owner of a condominium since she was in her twenties. She lived in it up until the time her and my father married, had me and needed a bigger house. Since then she has had a constant flow of tenants to rent the place to, with one being a long time friend of hers. There use to be talks of her selling the place, but I guess her financial sense would always get the better of her and tell her she needed the extra income via the tenant.
Pause....... mailman.....second contractor has arrived.
So the deal is, my mother and I are going to settlement within the next week. My name will be added to the deed. Though my mother is still the sole owner (per se) I'm basically next in line to own the house after she (heavy sigh) leaves this life. Yet, my mother and I had a simple discussion that once I begin full time work I will contribute to the house note. Seems fair and reasonable.
Pause... Snickerdoodle is crying....
I'm actually excited about this "venture," but still a little concerned about contributing to the payments. Currently, I've still been doing a few freelance/consultant projects. The call backs for interviews for full time positions are slow but surely coming, with hopes of nabbing something that will fit my current lifestyle - seriously am I asking too much with that one? I'm starting to feel a little pressure about finding a job and even finishing my last year in school.
No.. I'm not ready to pull my hair out.. I'm just SLIGHTLY nervous and praying that everything does work out.
Since I started reading The Purpose Driven Life, I'm realizing and have begun to ponder a lot of things about my life. One in particular is; though I can recall times when I have relied on my faith why are they so far and few? I claim to have faith but honestly how deep is my faith?
Being a stay-at-home-mom this past year has been a difficult challenge for me, especially since I was on the brink of "feeling" the individual within me. I was a woman on a mission, I was on my way to making my life the TV perfect Sex and the City life. However, I see that it was not meant to be the way I wanted it to be.
Needless to say, this time at home has broke me down to a realization that my family IS with me and will continue to have my back. My family is the last sect of people I should ever feel too proud to ask for help. I can't say it enough of how appreciative I am of my parents, even in light of my mother and I butting heads from time to time.
So what is it that I'm trying to communicate today with this blog? Just that I still struggle with my faith just as much as the next man, but some how and some way... Divine Intervention steps in and shows me I have nothing to fret about. So I'm sure I have nothing to worry with my new title has home owner. My heart believes it. I just wish my brain would catch up.
I was looking for a Natalie Dee comic to coincide with my random thoughts for today. Needless to say I stumbled along something in her archives that just made me choke on my own saliva; a drawing of her husband "murdering" Michael Jackson's Billie Jean.
Random Thought # 1
I'm waaaay overdue for a Pap test. Being a woman seems so inconvient and disturbing when you think about a visit to the OBGYN.
Any man out here wanna take my piping and my OBGYN?
Random Thought #2
I pondered last night if I'm too much of the world to make a full connection with my spirituality. Well maybe not too much of the world...I'm just... I don't know what is the word or phrase I'm looking for. Hmmm. I'm not an atheist. I'm a bit quirky. I try to see beauty in everything. While I don't glamorize illegal drug use, I can sympathize and perhaps understand a bit why someone would abuse it. A large part of me wants to break free from anything and just totally let go of any inhibitions I have. While I do attend church, it's only on the Sundays when I feel the need to or just basically when I feel up to it
Was I over churched as a kid; especially in attending religious schools all my life?
What is really going on with me spiritually?
Random Thought #3
I really do hurt for some men out here. The ones who have been taken for granted and are really top picks of the liter. In talking with Papi and other male friends, none have ever felt appreciated or even had partners that took the time to pamper or cater to them for at least a day. They were always the givers, and eventually got took some kind of a way. As a giver (and there are some of us ladies who give) I have felt the sting as well of being taken for granted. That was mainly due to a bad choice on my part to give to someone who didn't deserve it. Yet, when I asked my friends and Papi would they know what they want if given the opportunity to be treated for a day in and outside of the bedroom, no one could fully answer. One guy even asked me for suggestions of what she should look/ask for.
Have we females become so jaded about love or who we are "dating/seeing" that we feel we are entitled to being the receiver constantly?
Random Thought #4
Out of a lil boredom and tired of being referred to as the anti-socialable MySpace Nazi, I revamped my MySpace page a bit. I will say, the song I selected kicks arse! (opps! Irish accent slipped)
But seriously, who really pays attention to me on MySpace anyways?
Random Thought #5
After.................. (okay I can't think of the exact number) of year with my online writing group, I'm thinking about leaving. The group doesn't "feed" my anymore. There are more "off topics," posted than anything pertaining to writing. I've been thinking about it for a while. I don't feel "at home" anymore. It is one of the rare online communities that I have found to be drama free, but sometimes I wonder. I probably won't leave altogether, just change my membership to receive a digest of the latest happenings.
Speaking to self right now ----> Honestly, are you still benefiting from the group?
Between the little clouds of heaven
They thought they saw
The Saviour peeking through.
For little tears of heaven
They mistook the gentle dew,
And believed the tiny flowers
That grew upon the plain
To be souvenirs of Jesus,
The Child, come back again.
-- Pastoral by Langston Hughes
Today felt like dejavu. Last night I had every intention on attending church, but somehow, some way, I was turned off by the idea. Though my mother doesn't hound me like she use to about will I or won't I attend, she does slip in a couple... a few inquires.
"Are you coming to church? It's communion "
That was asked last night.
Again at eight this morning, with an intense voice.
"What are you going to do?"
I was not responsive.
I knew what was going to follow next, a guilt trip.
Like clockwork another inquiry with the guilt trip.
"You talking about having your child dedicated but you won't attend "
Unfortunately for my mother, I didn't hop on board the bus to Guilt World. I knew what that argument was about. My mother has this fear or this "thing" about my low to non attendance coinciding with the bylaws of the church.
Basically if my name drops from the rolls (no longer paying tithes), I'm no longer a member. Therefore non-members are not privileged to certain (and exclusive) rights as church members (paying tithe members) i.e. a wedding, a funeral, (maybe) a dedication of a child, etc. Of course some fees will apply if you are a non-member and for some reason were approved to have an event/ceremony at the church.
For the record, my name is still on the roll as it has been since I was child and was baptized at 8 years old - making me an official member of the church with my very own set of tithing envelopes.
So in my mother's mind, if I were to drop dead today she is nervous as to where my membership stands, because she does not want to funeralize me in a funeral home. Seriously, she has mentioned this to me on numerous occasions. Nevertheless, today's inquiry reminded me so much of the times my mother has hounded me before and suddenly going to church didn't seem like it would be on my own free will. It was a turn off.
Later on, I thought back to an article I read in the current issue of Ebony Magazine (March 2008 with Barak Obama on the cover). I've been wanting to write a serious, thought provoking reaction piece since reading it a few days ago, but I figured I needed to sit down and reflect a bit before doing so.
The article "Must Christians Go To Church To Be Good Christians?" was answered in essay form by the Reverend Clarence L. James, an evangelist of the Prince of Peace Sanctified Baptist Church in Chicago and Haki R. Madhubuti, a poet and professor/director of the Master of Fine Arts Program at Chicago State University.
Naturally, Rev. James argued the affirmative by using the connection history African-Americans have with the church dating back to slavery. Yes, it is understood that the church was a haven and a social political construct of a revolution (if you will) to change in the African-American community; from abolition to civil rights. Yet as James laid out the historical facts and put forth a call that "we" should not forget where we came from (in so many words) he took a hit at those of us like me.
"In the 60's, when civil rights victories convinced many of us that we were free, a confused multitude lost their way and began to abandon the church. They gave two primary arguments: they were 'spiritual but not religious, as though the two were separate categories in opposition to each other. And they claimed there were too many hypocrites in church..." (James. Ebony March 2008 p. 148)
Yes.. I am one of those that claim I'm spiritual more than religious. I will admit after reading James' argument it made me think. Why do I really refer to myself as such? James briefly broke down the origin of the term as such;
"...a European thought pattern that compartmentalizes aspects of life and separates the sacred from the secular as if evil owns its part of creation and God has his......Spirituality is not the opposite of religiosity; it is the other side of the coin of holistic humanness. Spirituality is the inner impulse. Religiosity is the outward manifestation." (James, Ebony March 2008 p. 148)
For me, it may not be all that different from James' argument. I do believe in God. My person connection with Him does have a shortage in the fiber optic wiring somewhere, I will admit. While my connection is less than perfect, and despite my flaws as a human, I would like to believe that overall I'm one of the good people walking this earth. Being spiritual to me (remember this is from my personal view) means you have a connection with God, Allah, Yahweh, Jehovah, Buddha, Selassie (whomever your higher power maybe). It maybe perfect or not so perfect. You're at peace with life and/or at least on a journey to find that inner peace. You respect life. You know what's right and what's wrong. You live a life that may not have that religious euphoria (per se') but a life that does reflect a "live in the light" cliché' of being an overall good person as humanly as possible.
As for the whole religious aspect (again my view) - For the longest time associated being religious with Bible thumpers. Yanno, those that want to ambush you to save your soul all because you had a child out of wedlock, especially as a teenager. Or those that just knew you were the devil's spawn because you were absent from a church pew, but not knowing that you could have been absent because of some "Divine" work you were called to do. I saw a lot of these kinds within my church growing up. However, it wasn't until later on in life I realized that being religious is not all about knowing the Bible front and back and able to quote it word for word. Being religious was not about the self proclaimed warrior who went on a fundamentalist vigilantly hunt to condemn the "unworthy." Yes, I believe there are warriors out here for God, but they aren't of the self righteous. So all in all, I guess being religious (to me) is encouraging others to live in the path of God (without ambushing, condemning, etc). While in the process of encouraging, you share and fellowship. You pray and study "the word" in order to receive the blessings of God, receive clarity in your life and eventually achieve some kind of euphoric state in the name of love from God.
*whew*
By the end of James' essay, while stating the continued purpose of the church, he also points out why the church has sort of lost its importance in our lives. The very same "freedom" that we have been wanting and perhaps proclaimed by the 60's was a contributing factor. Basically James states that the Black family has abandoned the church - "the spiritual, moral and ecclesiastical ways of our people" - because of the so called "freedom" we were going after. My guess is, he is referring to an age old question I've heard asked countless of times
Did segregation hurt or harm the Black community/family?
However, that question alone can spin off a whole new topic altogether.
The flip side to reading the "to church or not to church" (as I call it) article, was reading Madhubuti's argument. For someone whose absence from a church pew out weighs the "P" for present next to my name, I was shocked to find that I didn't totally agree with all of Madhubuti's arguments. For one, I got the sense that something happened at some point of his growth that angered him and perhaps made him a bit bitter with "the church." He begins his essay with a brief intro about his attitude towards the church, by stating at the age of 13 he left the church his step grandfathered ministered and organized religion altogether. He further explained that the reasons for that are far too complicated and too close to even venture into in his essay. He also continues to affirm that there are multiple and highly personal reason reasons why African Americans are abandoning the church, especially the men. Yet, Madhubuti's total growth wasn't all about the church or being spiritually connected through the church.
"Fortunately, in my youthful quest for meaning and selfhood, I discovered black culture in the form of literature, music, history and psychology." (Madhubuti, Ebony March 2008 p. 149)
I thought this was actually great. It is easy to become one-tracked minded about life when you are exposed to one or a few certain elements, "churching" all day and week included. So anything that further expands your mind is excellent as you are becoming or shaping up to be a well-rounded person. Like James, Madhubuti briefly goes through the historical connection of the church and the African-American community, but he also makes a sad point. The basic point - organized Black religion is failing.
Out of the financial growth of the Black church, it is evident that the storefront church is growing into a mega church that is all about the money, and as Madhubuti describes it;
"...produced pastors who are celebrities in their own right and demand salaries and economic perks that exceed most CEOs of Black companies and some White ones." (Madhubuti, Ebony Mach 2008. p 149)
You have to wonder. Was it really God's dream to turn the church into an enterprising money machine? During the time I served as the assistant editor of business magazine I was putting together a publication schedule. One topic that I penciled on the schedule was church as a business. I was over JM's house at the time of planning and she and I fell into a small but deep discussion on the topic. Around that time Black Enterprise magazine had just featured three leaders of mega churches on the cover, T.D. Jakes, was one. I was telling her I would like to explore the aspects of church as a small business, especially since I had noticed a few local mega churches and their continuous growth.
Personally, I never thought there was anything wrong with an expanding church, especially when they are expanding to keep up with the needs and growth of a congregation. Yet, is there a point where it has gone too far? Does a church really need to have a hair salon connected to it? And yes I am thinking of a local mega church that does have a hair salon connected to it on its complex.
Though I don't remember all of what JM shared with me, I know she was dead set against the mega churches and how much of the faith, healing and religious aspect is removed and commercialism sets in.
Getting back to Madhubuti...
What I didn't (totally) agree with was how Madhubuti described the scene of "many" churches. I will say to his credit he didn't generalize his statement, but I only disagreed with the statement in comparison to my pastor and the current dealings of my church.
"...too many of us are treated to excellent music, comfortable seats and ministers who, when they speak, embarrassingly contribute to the lessening of human knowledge.....Many if not most, of the sermons are anti-intellectual, anti-rational and totally committed to a fundamentalist interpretation of the Bible in 21st century reality." (Madhubuti, Ebony March 2008 p 149)
While I may disagree with this in regards to my church, I had to wonder how many other are or were subjected to such and completely lost faith or their religion. Many can argue that you shouldn't put your faith in a pastor (true) or your total reliance in the church itself and to look beyond the obvious (catty church members, crooked leader). Yet if you are at a vulnerable state in your life wouldn't it be easy to be sucked in or either looks at the obvious unattractive mess and completely discount faith and religion? Both seem easy to do, and unfortunately many choose the second option.
What is also interesting to note is Madhubuti's reference to Stephen Prothero, a White religion professor that recently published Religious Literacy. In paraphrasing Prothero Madhubuti writes;
"The overwhelming majority of American churchgoers, Blacks included, are religious but know very little about religion." (Madhubuti, Ebony March 2008 p. 149)
As disturbingly unfortunate this is, I highly don't doubt this. As I have listened to some of my pastor's sermons, some have come off as teachings as he breaks down the tribes within the Bible. A few times I found some of the long standing members look around with dumbfounded expressions. It seemed so obvious they were looking for the usual "The Lord is good" or "do right by the Lord and you'll get to heaven" kind of statements to cosign with an "amen" here and there.
*deep inhale and exhale*
So..now that I've gone through the "trouble" of reflecting and summarizing where do I stand?
While I do think it is equally important to have faith and believe in the higher powers that be (GOD), and to be a student in and of "the word," "the church" is just the icing on the cake. I see (again, this is my personal view) the church as social institution in which you come and fellowship with other Christians or those that share the same common bond with you... common bond being God. So the good thing about this view is, you can easily choose to become involved or not.
There have been plenty of days where I felt misplaced inside my own church because I couldn't relate to whatever what was going on with the church and with me at the time, which is why I stayed absent for a while. However, there have been times when everything seemed to have been on the same plane with me and "the church" and I felt good in attending. Nevertheless, I don't let my involvement or lack of involvement with the church to determine my spiritual contentment or whatever religious euphoric experience.
In case someone is wondering why I left the church, I would like to clarify.. I never left my church. I just remained absent for countless Sundays and events, because of the current state of my life at the time. That's another topic altogether. However, what I will admit is that I did manage to hold onto my faith and the days I did or have made it "back" to church are when I feel I need a tune up from something I can't get on the "outside."
So in short (too late) while the church.. a real humble and honest church.. is still important in the community, it still should not be used in a way to control one's life or in a self righteous way. Just because a Christian doesn't attend church on a regular basis, if at all, doesn't make them a demon spawn or an abomination.
Like everything else in life, religion practices change. Perhaps with all the conveniences of today's world, it has spilled over to the religious sect. People, Christian or not, tend to practice their belief on what fits them and their life - the convenience of it all.
As I say.. you do you, just as long as you believe in some kind of faith that seeks and respects the greater good of mankind.
Early Sunday morning, after I wrote my Emotional Slut confessional, I flipped through channels and eventually stopped at one of the televised church services. Sometimes, if I'm lucky I'll catch my girl Joyce Meyer. However, early Sunday brought on someone who is local in the DC metro area. A female pastor with a church in Woodbridge, VA was speaking on betrayal. I missed the part of her sermon inwhich she talked about how to heal if you are the one being betrayed, but I was right on time to hear the healing portion for the betrayer.
After mentioning how the betrayer should first seek repentance, the next step is to apologize. As simplistic as this may be this is very key. She mentioned how folks don't know how to apologize. When apologzing, simply do it. Don't say "I'm sorry," and then go into a long hub blub of an explaination. That explainantion or extra verbage will eventually cancel out your apology and will make it less sincere.
I wondered how many times (while not really betraying a person) have I apologized to someone and went into my long spill of the why and whatnots. I can honestly say, when I've done that I truly feel and know what I did was straight BS my way through and/or out of something. While I don't want to be known as a person who is full of shit, sometimes it does hapen that way. True, there is no excuse for it.
More than likely, this is also why I catch an instant headache or attitude if someone is apologizing to me and giving a whole bunch of extra verbs, adjectives, nouns, prefixes, suffixes, conjunctions and etc behind it.
What's interesting to note is, after sleeping off my emotional state I woke up wanting to apologize to Papi for dumping or unloading so much at 3 something in the morning and expecting him to make it alright. Yet, I was still scared that I may have frightened him off with my ambush. Somwhere in my perplexing contemplative state I received a text message from Papi.
He simply apologized for falling asleep on me and wanted to know if I was feeling better and if there was anything else I needed to get off my chest.
*taking a moment to catch my breath - gotta love it*
Instead of seizing the opportunity to ramble off more of what I had been feeling, I decided to hold back. I told him I was fine and even made a joke that if I did have something else to get off my chest I'll be sure to let him know at 2 am. Of course he knew that was a joke.
I swear I can be so "flip-dizzy" with my emotions, but who isn't?
I'm glad for those that stick with me through it.
I guess if I were to apologize to anyone, especially Papi it would be....
I apologize for being so abnormal??????
Then again... being abnormal may not be so bad.
Wait.. did I just cancel out an apology?
Who the hell cares...
Yesterday I stumbled upon an old gospel favorite, Richard Smallwood, by way of Sharon B's blog. I grew up listening to his music and even performing some of his songs with my elementary and high school choirs. I became an even greater fan when I realized he is a fellow DC native and I knew his tailor - the tailor designed some clothes for my mom.
Thoughout his music career, there is only one song that can manage to bring me to tears everytime I hear it.
"Angels"
I would play the song out to death. I feel sorry for the casette tape. I think I wore out the wheels. Nevertheless, I ended up crying again yesterday. After viewing the clip of Smallwood and the group Vision performing "Total Praise" (another beautiful song) on Sharon's blog, I searched You Tube (of all places) to find Angels. What's even more amazing is.. after spewing my own thoughts yesterday about avoiding my birthday, I received a comment from my friend WOE. I had to smile and nod as I knew she was right and the comment was a reminder of what I suddenly forgot.
WOE:
"Can't figure out what the big deal is. I understand not necessarily being where you want to be, I think being a good parent is one of the best things you could EVER do in life, but there is still time to do so much, why trip about what's inevitable, with God's grace?"
I want to thank WOE and Sharon B for the reminders. So today.. I want to dedicate "Angels" by Richard Smallwood with Vision to you.
Also, as always.. Thank you Lord for presenting reminders.
*getting kleenex*
This evening will be spent on the lo' key. Though it would be nice to get dolled up and attend a nice NYE party somewhere, I was never one to get into all the fan fare.My aunt is trying to convince me to come to her church this evening, all for Kirk Franklin's performance. I like Kirk, but he isn't a favorite of mine. No offense, but something about him urks me. I was speaking with JM last night and she informed me that another church his having Fred Hammond perform. My own church is having some folks perform, but I wonder if Izzy will be there. After all Izzy's father is the pastor of my church.
On another note. I did finish the book Running With Scissors. To my surprise the movie was on cable last night. I caught the film and just as I figured.. the book is sooo much better. I understand that a book has to be edited to conform to TV/film standards, but geesh when you totally write in a scene that didn't exist it just doesn't seem true to me at all. I felt the same way about Memoirs of a Geisha (in particular in the exit of Hatsumomo) - loved the book, but hated the movie. I will say with "Scissors", it wasn't all that bad, but I get a sense if you hadn't read the book, you would be lost a bit and probably wouldn't understand with all the flip flopping. There was a scene that I did like in which they morphed different chapters together to make it seem like everything was happening simultaniously; the scenes of Natalie and Augusten tearing down the kitchen ceiling, Neil going bonkers in the Doc's office (that wasn't in the book actually) and Anges confronting Deidre (Anges actually confronted the Doc about his cheating ways but she didn't suspect Deidre was apart of it too) - but see I understood what was going on.
I also get a sense that how the movie ended was probably what Augusten would have LIKED to have happened as a opposed to how he abruptly severed ways with his mom and the Finches. I'm not sure what my personal rating of the movie will be. I just know that the book is an excellent read and perhaps I'll read other books by Augusten. I'm itching to hit Barnes and Nobles for another book.
In the meantime, I gotta go... The Snickerdoodle calls.
The Day After Christmas - Originally Written Wednesday, December 26, 2007
It’s a day after Christmas and all still seems to be merry and bright. Amazing, my folks and I spend a majority of our time together under one roof at home and managed to get on each other’s nerves. Here, in the mountains, we all seem to be at peace and even cooperate with each other. Maybe it’s the city life or life in general that makes us feel a bit uptight and feeling our pressure points every now and then. Still, I have a feeling our peaceful tune my change once Friday gets here and we pack up and leave.
I don’t even want to think about the things we have to do with when get back. There’s more pitching and packing we have to do for the renovations. A conversation even came up that the Snickerdoodle and I may have to relocate once the construction starts, for health and safety reasons. The first suggestion given; we could stay at my grandmother’s. Nothing against my grandmother, but I highly object to staying there. The house is crowded as is with my grandmother and her husband, my aunt, the little cuz, and my aunt’s boyfriend. There’s too much confusion within that household. Who wants to be in the midst of that?
There is another option. It’s actually the option that was first considered when I was pregnant; living in my grandmother’s husband’s other house. The house is across the Potomac in Old Town Alexandra. When I was pregnant I had started to make preparations to make it comfy. I got as far as buying paint for the bedrooms. I wanted to do the baby’s room in either a soft yellow or the Tiffany blue. My room would be the theater red color I like – yanno the shade of red that the Chinese use to represent happiness and prosperity. I gave up the idea once I realized that potential drama could brew from the situation (being that the house does belong to my grandmother’s husband and the ramifications of him being the owner and the possibility of him dying first and HIS dysfunctional family).
My grandmother brought up the house to me again, before any talks of a possible relocation was uttered. However, in the same breath she mentioned the possibility of the house going on the market. That remains to be seen.
No solution has been made, but I figured we’ll cross that bridge once we get there.
In the meantime, I’m trying to mentally prepare myself for the new year. I feel a story brewing. I felt more inspiration after finishing up the book Running With Scissors. Needless to say I feel this void now. For some reason I always get this way after reading a good book. I want to read another, but yet I’m hungry to write. So far, the only writing I’ve done have been simple journal entries, on and off the computer screen. Still I need something fresh. The calls for submissions for anthologies are out there. I’m eager to submit.
Now I’m wanting some ice cream.
Yum.
Feeling a bit frsutrated and overwhelemed I fought my way to church today. As usual, I made it in time for the word. I could go into the whole song and dance about how I felt that certain aspects or a majority of the points made in today's sermon was meant for me. However, that's not the reason for today's post. I'll just say that a key point touched a nerve. My pastor mentioned how some of us can keep mulling over a past situation, when it's already been forgiven/taken care of. That's a bad habit of mine. In the midst of me over analyzing a situation, I always want to go back to the past and perhaps stay there and wallow for a while. I realize this isn't good thing, because I literally drive myself crazy with it. I'm trying to change this, but of course it's not going out without a fight.
By the end of service today I can testify to say I did experience a release. I'm not sure what brought about the tears. Maybe it was just utter pent up frustration I've been feelings since returning home and having to face up to a few realities. Where ever it came from, it was needed. Though I have suttle headache, I feel a bit better. I don't feel as frustrated as I had been. Right now I just feel a nap coming on.
In the meantime... I'm positng a Christmas entry - Orignally Written Monday, December 24, 2007
I’m tempted to take the short drive to “the village” to sit in the diner with wireless internet services. However, some part of me would feel guilty, as if it were a luxury… a straight up violation to spending time or “roughing it” in the “the mountains.” After all, I suppose the purpose of leaving DC for a week was to get away from the maddening technology that everyone, including me, has become so dependent on. I guess that partly explains why I couldn’t travel without this laptop. Right now it’s useless for wireless internet. Again, that’s a luxury here in “the mountains.” It’s picking up a couple of signals, but they are on a secure network, which means I need a key code. The signals must belong to some suburban buppies that have a winter home here in the midst of this timeshare village. Besides, the signals are weak anyways and it’s Christmas Eve. What would I look like, escaping the family for a few hours just to write a blog, chit chat on my instant messenger or forward stupid emails that I don’t even read.. just see the “FW” in the subject line and do as I’m told… FORWARD.
Upon arriving on Friday evening, I wasn’t sure what to expect from this Christmas. I can say that Christmas has never been the same for me since I was kid. No, I’m not going into another lament about past Christmas’ with the whole family gathered at our house on Christmas Eve for a big dinner and then having another big Christmas dinner at Aunt VJ’s on Christmas day. I haven’t even had those bluesy or melancholy feelings I had during Thanksgiving when we were here last.
For the most part, since being in “the mountains” this go around, I’ve busied myself doing some of the domestic things I do at home; cooking, washing the dishes, doing my mommy thing. Soon I’ll be washing some of the Snickerdoodle’s clothes. I’ve also been going through the pages of Running With Scissors like a breeze. As bazaar as Augusten Burroughs’ childhood was with the Finches, like him, I find the Finches to be sooooo “insane” that they are fascinating. I haven’t quite finished the book, but I’m just about there. I’m almost scared to view the movie now. I’m sure that as colorful as Burroughs wrote about the Finches and even his mom, there is NO WAY the film can reflect this.
I’ve just finished the small chapter about Hope and her cat Freud. That situation was weird in its own way. Apparently the cat spoke to Hope through a dream in which she tells Hope she is dying. Hope is so convinced by this dream that (I believe and maybe Augusten) she slowly kills the cat by starvation and suffocation. I’m sure the real Hope (if she has read the book) would differ and would argue and insist the cat was dying. However, as crazy as that chapter was, it’s nothing compared to the chapter of Dr. Finch and his shit…literally his bowel movements.
Who would have thunk it? God actually speaking or sending messages to you through your bowel movements? What I did find ironic about that situation and all the others thus far, Augusten was hard pressed to be a cosmetologist. WAIT! My apologies Augusten…. You wanted to be the creator of a beauty empire… marketing and pushing a beauty fix for the “tore up from da flo’ up” folks. Nevertheless, Natalie, a Finch, a friend and adoptive sister to Augusten, nudge him into writing, especially writing about some of the things situations in the Finch household. So far I’ve read Natalie’s encouragement and Augusten’s denial or shrugging off his writing abilities… or more so trying to hide his fear of writing since his mother writes but is a bit of a “case” herself.
I will say that out of all the eccentric and uncanny rituals of the Finches, I’m actually tempted to try one. Bible Dipping. I’m sure the practice of Bible dipping isn’t all that uncommon, maybe just done a different way; especially among devote Christians, maybe some of the fundamentalists and even those that end up twisting and misconstruing the words. It’s a practice where the Bible is seen as some kind of oracle. Someone asks a question while someone randomly flips to a page. Then the person asking the question randomly places their finger on a word on the page. The question asked could be interpreted through whatever answer or word you find right in the Bible.
I’ve always been somewhat fascinated with some forms of being spiritually in tuned to God and/or your whole spiritual being. Some can do it through scripture and some can do it through (prophetic) dreams and other forms. I do believe that most of my dreams do have a prophetic or spiritual meaning to them. Sometimes I understand and other times I’m frustrated, because the meanings don’t come easy. I do believe it is a gift to be able to see and “read” dreams in such a way. Part of me (only a small portion) thinks that I have it, but there seems to be a glitch; the glitch being that I don’t fully understand most of my dreams, even though I ache to.
Even though I’m fascinated, I’ll doubt that I’ll try the whole Bible Dipping thing. It would probably freak me out. Like whole phenomenon of the Ouija board. When I was a kid I attended a Seventh Day Adventist school. Not that they were strict, but when it came to religious matters the teachers didn’t play around. I believe I was in the third or fourth grade when the discussion of the Ouija Boards came up. My teacher was telling the class to stay away from them because “they were of the devil.” It didn’t help matters any when a classmate shared a story of a friend or a cousin owning one and it spooked them. They locked the board in the closet and the next morning they were spooked even more when the board found its way outside of the closet door. Maybe that was a colorful lie on my classmate’s part?
Outside of immersing myself in the Finch household and me fighting the urge to seek wireless internet services, I’m finding that this time away from home as been doing me some good. The chatter box in my head is going off, but I’m quick to shut it off with a game of Sudoku or Mahjongg. The Snickerdoodle’s first Christmas tree went up Saturday night. Despite, the small spider and ladybug that was hiding inside, the tree is a nice small, stumpy tree – good enough to get us through the week. She really doesn’t know the difference. I think she just likes that it lights up….via the twinkling decorative lights.
There aren’t any real reflections for Christmas. I honestly feel half drained and half relaxed. I slept for much of today, wanting to take a mental break. I got up to handle my motherly duties and read a few more chapters of the book. Actually, I just want the holidays to be over with. The holidays haven’t been my favorite time of the year since I grew into adulthood. Maybe the holidays died on the day I found out that my parents were Mr. and Mrs. Claus. I was about 12.
The holiday season just feels like any other day(s) to me. The only over exaggerated euphoria I feel during this time is when I actually do for others (which I feel I do all year round anyways), buy gifts for others and feel anxious about them opening it and perhaps baking. I’m sure the older Snickerdoodle gets the more I’ll start feeling like a kid again and get in on the kiddie joy I once felt years ago. Right now I’m just comfortable being around family, especially considering the rugged roller coaster ride my grandmother has been on lately.
Hopefully I’ll finish the book sometime tonight. It’s been THAT good.
However, I have to admit, the new Sudoku and Mahjongg games I’ve installed are addictive as well.
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