2 posts tagged “prayer”

The day is done. I'm phsyically tired, but I'm emotionally charged. Mentally... I'm 90% there.

Divine messages have once again interjected into my life. Perhaps in the most usual form, but I believe I got the memo.

I finally finished Jennifer Weiner's Certain Girls late last night.  Again, my hats off to her for such an excellent work. I will admit it was in a bit of shock towards the end when she decided to write off a character. Honestly, I pretty much grieved last night with Cannie Shapiro, because like her, I too had grown accustom to the character that was killed off. The person was a permanent fixture in the fictional world of Cannie - so I thought.

Nevertheless, my revelation didn't come with the character's death as it served as an culminating event to the plot. It was more so Cannie's reclaiming herself in the aftermath of everything - her true purpose in life... her Divine purpose in life. What was it? Naturally it was to write. The calling was there ... been there... for Cannie to write something sincere from the heart. From her gut. Not out of anger as she did with the first novel that eventually caused her shame and made her hide under a  psuedo. Though she was good at it (apparently) and found her comfort zone in writing under another name, it wasn't the REAL Cannie.

The way Weiner summed up Cannie's fears on writing again or just writing a book in general hit home for me. It was all about protecting the ones she loves in the midst of her own madness (true or made up) and releasing in order to let go..or maybe just coast along in a comfort zone.  Yet deep within, because of whatever insecurities her real life's work or purpose in life was obscure of foggy.

This morning I arose with thoughts in my head on finishing my work/manuscript as I scrambled around prepping my daughter for her big day in church. She was dedicated today and for a time I felt as if I were going to cry. Actually I did most of my crying last night as I read through Joy's bat miztvah and her message and even made some comparisons of my own daughter's life. Like a bar/bat miztvah a dedication is very much indeed an important milestone. It's a process or MY commitment as a mother... a parent... to "offer" my child's life back to God. It's up to me to guide her through life and raise her in the light of God until she is old enough to say "Mother I want to fully commit to Him."

As I listened to my pastor's words today during the dedication and during the sermon (from which he preached on the widow in debt with her empty vessels and filled it with oil as Elisha instructed her to do and further told her to sell the oil in order to repay her debt - 2 Kings 4:1-11) the tears filled the corners of my eyes.  Today, I was not only being charged with the duty of motherhood, but also my purpose. my writing...my oil.

Are my vessels (of life) empty?

I probably still have some cleaning to do, which is something that I may need to serious sit down think and pray on.

If anyone who reads my blog doesn't hear from me in a while.. don't worry... more than likely... I'm behind closed doors working with my oil to fulfill something that I do feel is calling me.

I have a story to tell... somebody's needs to hear it.

It's wierd.  I'm already starting to have fears for Taylor's life. Maybe it comes automatically when your child comes into this world. It perplexes me on where I'm coming up with this fear. Just last night she was taking in her milk a little to fast and was beginning to choke. I almost panicked, but remained calm, sat her up straight and continued to pat on her back until she coughed up the excess milk.  She breathed a sigh of relief and so did I as I found a way to hold back a few tears that were ready to flow.

Yet, my fear goes beyond her choking on milk. It mainly lies with this whole world. Can she handle it? Will I be able to give her enough courage, strength and wisdom to deal with it?

In light of what has taken place these past couple of weeks, the Imus situation and the shooting at Virginia Tech, I came to a realization yesterday after listen to the radio as two different stations were dealing with either of the current events. As one station was still on Imus' comments and receiving responses from the music industry, singer Lil Mo was a guest on the show.  She made a comment that brings to light both situations.  Her comment was basically how we never knew how many people out here were dealing with self esteem issues until in recent years. Before such issues were bottled up and handled inwardly. I think it's still that way, but now people who don't know how to deal with their feelings openingly are exploding in many ways.

One of my biggest fears in having children, especially a daughter, was that they would acquire whatever despire I had going on with me in my late teen to early college years.  I dealt with mild depression, but luckly I wasn't on the deep end. Though my days were past the bluish hue, I was able to see just enough to know I needed more help than just prayer. So I sought that help and was able to put a lot of things into perspective.. without drugs...without any outside interferrence..without wanting to jump off a cliff.  I was one of the lucky ones. After all, I wanted to live a life.

The women who constantly take abuse from a masochistic world to the folks who just don't know how to deal with life, because somewhere their is a glitch within them that just won't let them handle it.....I feel this can be a scary world for Taylor.  Sometimes I wonder if the whole world just need to be on prozac. Don't get me wrong. I'm not a pessimist. I do believe there is plenty of good in this world, but when you are bombarded with negativity back to back... it's enough to just retreat and say.. "I can't deal." or "I don't want to deal." What I do pray is that I'm able to prepare my daughter for such a life. 

Beauty For Ashes: Receiving Emotional Healing (Revised Edition)

Joyce Meyer

For the past couple of days, I've been giving myself a break from the morning news- because I'm worn out from the reporting on VA Tech - and turning to another local channel.  In the early morning, this station runs inspirational shows back to back until about 8 am.  Yesterday, I slept through most of them. However, this morning while giving Taylor her early morning diaper change and feeding I caught Joyce Meyer.

Her message was mainly about forgivness and the whole forgive in order to let go type of thing.  Though I couldn't understand why I was listening to this message at first I think it became clear after awhile. The example she used was her and the friction she had with her older son. She was angry at the fact that he wasn't as spiritual or into the word of God like she is. Her example sounded a lot like my mother and I. My mother is well into the church as she (and my father) are on the deacon/deaconess board of our church. My mother and I use to clash hard about any and everything, but especially why I had stopped going to church... a church that I basically grew up in.  This was all around the time in the midst of my depression and I couldn't explain why or hardly understand myself as to why I had ceased doing a lot of things. Even though I had my bouts with some of the folks in my church, it wasn't as if it were bad enough to volunteer to go into exile.  Although, I was disguested by one event, but even still I've moved on from that.

As Joyce Meyer continued on with her example, in the end she realized why she was so angry with her son all the time.  It was becase she couldn't get pass him not wanting to be on the same level with God as she was. She sat him down, had a talk with him and basically said she accepted him with all his flaws and realized it was all about timing. Everyone is not on the same time schedule to be right with the Lord. As much as you love a person and want what is best for them you have to let their own timing set in.  With all that she said to her son, he broke down and cried and told her that he really needed to hear what she said. Meyer's son even said how he  really did have tht desire to be on the level with God that she has, but it just wasn't there for him and he rather not fake it, but be real about it.

The whole time I listened to Meyer I thought about how much my mother has been trying to get me to come back to church. I looked into Taylor's eyes and thought of how I have plans for her to be dedicated or "given back to God" in my home church. Maybe I needed to hear Meyer's message to see and understand that as a mother it's hard to watch your children go left when you want them to go right - like with my mother and myself. Hence, why to this day she still doesn't understand why I made risky job decisions, what's taking me a while to finish my last semester of school and how I ended up as a mother with my life barely in halfway order.

I thought how I would introduce God into Taylor's life, but allowing her to live her life, hoping and praying that she lives her life according to God. I want her to know that when life does get too rough that He is always there and she would know this enough to not allow herself to slip into a place where I once was. I want her to know that no one has the rite to take away her peace of mind... not even me.

And yes.. I would accept my daughter as she grows with every flaw there is.

As much as I am pledging to accept my daughter with her flaws, I'm still fragile about mine.

Who do I let in?  Who can handle it?

Presently, my own emotions are still on this postpartum roller coaster ride.

While I'm not a huge fan of Beyonce (even though I am proud of sister girl and all of her accomplishments) I've taken a liking to her song "Flaws and all"  I was actually on the verge of tears when I first heard it. I guess in listening to the song, it's the kind of love that everyone sort of longs for - that kind everyone NEEDS. Someone that will accept you for YOU.. flaws and all.

Flaws and All - Beyonce

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