What's With All The Tears?

nobody@vox.com(Mahoganie) — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 15:41:03 -0400

I'm a wuss. I'm blaming it on whatever blocked estrogen I had before I had my baby.

Before I became a mom I was told that my estrogen levels were off and if I wanted to start a family 9x's out of 10 I would have to seek some type of fertility solution. Obviously I defied the odds. Yet the aftermath seems to be leaving me a hormonal wreck.

Before baby, my menstrual cycle was practically nonexistent. So I really didn't have to suffer through the aches of PMS, the actual menstrual, and post menstrual. When it did occur, the cramping was pretty bad and I was a bit irritable but that only lasted for a day or two.

After baby, everything seems to have regulated on its own. The estrogen floodgates seem to have opened. The cramping is pretty low key before and during. However, the PMS is bad. The irritability is there. My appetite increases. Then the tears.

I cry at just about anything.

For the past week I've been crying while writing, listening to music and watching movies.... children's movies. This week I managed to catch the Disney movie "Meet The Robinsons" on cable (cute movie by the way). I sat back on the couch with the Snickerdoodle and laughed pretty much through the whole thing, until Lewis (the main character) discovers who he really is. My tears start rolling towards the end as Lewis gets a chance to revisit his past and ops not to disturb it. What made this a bit funny was me trying to quickly wipe away my tears before the Snickerdoodle looked back at me. Children do sense these things. Still I was too late. She saw me in my tears and I started to chuckle only making my chuckle turn into more tears.

My tears continued rolling as Lewis got to redo his present and pretty much lived happily ever after. I cried at the song that was playing during the whole closing scene and as the screen faded to an interesting quote about "moving forward" by Walt Disney.

Then I laughed at myself for crying.

Oh gawd I sound crazy.

Later that same night I ended up looking at "Waiting to Exhale" for the umteenth time. I've NEVER cried while looking at this movie before, but all of the sudden I was practically ready to boo hoo at the whole Angela Basset and Wesley Snipes scene as they bared their souls to one another. Then I cried as Lela Rochan bared her soul to Whitney Houston at the water park.

By then I wished that this crying spell would break.

I cried as I found old baby pictures of myself and realized that the Snickerdoodle IS my carbon copy. It's almost erie that when I look at her I DO see me and vice versa.

I cry when I think, which has been hindering me a bit in finishing up a project that I'm working on.

I'm just a big wuss right now.

I feel like crying now, but the only thing that is stopping me is writing about it.

Why couldn't PMS be more of a happy thing? Instead of your hormones getting the best of you they should work with you and for you. Make you feel energized. Happy. Basically the extreme opposite of what it currently does.

I know this wussy phase won't last long.

I just hate to see it come and sit.

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I Got Work To Do

nobody@vox.com(Mahoganie) — Thu, 08 May 2008 21:57:37 -0400

It's obvious. I got work to do.

My day has been a little off today. I didn't feel like venturing out. I've been a bit irritable. The contractors came by today to take some extra measurements, and all I wanted them to do was leave me alone in the process. My sister and her little women are in town, but I promised myself to meet up with them tomorrow. There is a family function tonight, but I didn't feel like going. I can easily blame my shut-in-ness on PMS, but really....I just hear Ron Isley crooning from afar in my head...

"I'm taking care of business, baby can't you see
I gotta make it for you, and I gotta make it for me
Sometimes it may seem girl I'm neglecting you
I'd love to spend more time
But I got so many things to do
Ooh, I got work to do, I got work baby
I got a job yeah I got work to do"

Feeling a bit rejected and almost dejected from a single email, I managed not to wallow in my pity. I kept thinking and seeing the situation in a positive light.

What happened?

Well, a few weeks ago a fellow journalism buddy help me revamp my resume and craft a cover/pitch letter to a major news publication. They were looking for a shopping columnist within their "Source" (wink - hint hint) department. The position seemed perfect as it was part-time and the subject is right up my alley. Yet, I believed I screwed up a bit in applying. In my hast, I applied for the position without running it by any one for a look over. I was confident enough to send my materials over as is. I showed my buddy what I sent after the fact and basically we came to the conclusion, it was pretty much a disaster for this particular go around. Things could have been spruced up, shorten and tightened a bit more.

We stayed up a bit late hammering out a new cover letter and revamping the resume. I resent my materials, beating the deadline, and awaited a response. I finally received one yesterday, to which the assignment editor wrote that I didn't have enough experience for the position.

*insert my deep inhale and tears ready to ball*

Of course I shared the news with my buddy and she suggested that I respond with a thank you and ask specifically what would have qualified me for the position. At first I was just going to let the issue go. However, my emotions (PMS) got the better of me. I sent the assignment editor a three liner, thanking her for the consideration, asking what would have qualified me and thanking her for any advice she could give me for future pitches.

A couple hours later a response. Without giving any further advice, she simply stated that the position calls for someone who has experience in writing about fashion and the arts.

Duh!

Shit!

I sold myself SHORT!!!!!!

I've done this before! Maybe not for five to ten years and granted it was for my college paper, but I basically spent almost two years writing on such subjects! I went to gallery/exhibit openings throughout the city. I've interviewed curators, artists and etc and reported back to campus.

In talking with my journalism buddy, she suggested that since the lines of communication are open that it's really up to me to not let it go stale. I've made the decision that I will be contacting the assignment editor in the next couple of days to pitch an idea to her for a freelance article. Perhaps that will be my chance to audition to show that I CAN do this!

What's interesting, as I was clearing more room for the renovations the other day I came across an old pitch letter I had written up. It was addressed to Fader Magazine. I had full intent to pitch a story concerning the house music scene here in DC. My angle for the story was straight - pun not intended. I had interviewed a couple of underground DJs and was on the path to interview more.... then a distraction hit. I believe it was during the time my mother had her mild stroke. I put everything to the side. Fader never got "the memo." Story.. nonexistent. Story...defunct.

I still may pick it up again, but I have to investigate to see if my angle will still work. If it is still fresh.

As for the idea I want to pitch to Ms. Assignment Editor...... I need to go WORK on that.

I Got Work To Do.

"It is not the man of great native talent who wins, but he who pushes his talent, however small, to its utmost capacity."

- From the book "Things Your Mother Always Told You But You Didn't Want to Hear" by Carolyn Coats

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Mahoganie: The Chronicals of a Komplex Phemale

What's With All The Tears?

I Got Work To Do