23 posts tagged “love”
Call me a bit off, weird or quirky, but I love filling a glass with ice, ginger ale or a citrus drink and placing a fruit popsicle (Edy's Fruit Bar) upside inside. Somehow when I have this concoction going my body instantly chills and I relax.
Tonight as I currently have a glass...ok plastic cup... filled with such I'm sitting back and letting my thoughts fly. As usual I don't know where to begin in spewing my thoughts, so everything feels like a ramble or a run-on sentence in my head.
However, tonight I'm stuck on better halves.
I've been reading a few blogs and came across a couple in which the blogger talks about missing their other or better half. Their half is away for whatever reason and in each case they have pondered on their existence without their half. I can't help but wonder how I will fair over the weekend when Papi leaves for his family reunion. True, I'll miss him, but it won't be the end of the world. It's the Snickerdoodle that I can't bare to be away from for an extended amount of time. I must say I did very well a few weeks ago when she spent the night with my aunt and grandmother. I only called to check on her once. I knew she was in good hands.
Still, this whole thing about better halves has been coming to me ever since my cousin's funeral last week. My cousin and his wife were married for 62 years. What scares me a bit, when people who are that in love and in tuned to each other; when one goes away in death the other isn't far from behind. This was proof enough for me a few years back when my Uncle Gyden passed away. Uncle Gyden and his wife, Aunt Louise, had been married 50 plus years. They loved, worshipped and did just about everything together. I will never forget the day of Uncle Gyden's funeral. At the end I had approached Aunt Louise wanting to give her a hug and let her know I was there. Needless to say I was taken aback when I approached her.
All my years of knowing Aunt Louise, I had never seen her cry at a funeral. I remember very vividly, especially at my great-grandmother's funeral, she was the one to rally everyone together and tell them to forget their tears of sadness. If anything it was a day of celebration. She was one of the strong pillars of the family. Yet on that day of her husband's funeral her world seemed to have ended. When I approached her she was full of tears. Nothing would come out my mouth. I stood there with tears coming from my eyes as she kept repeating,
"I can't live without him. I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't live without him."
A few months later, Aunt Louise was gone.
I'm aways in utter amazement when I come across a couple that in tuned to eacher that their hearts are really one. It's even more amazing when you can actually FEEL the energy that a couple that in tune radiates with. I feel very blessed to be or have been in the presence of such couples, because it renews my faith in real, unconditional, deep down to the core, consuming, undying love. I feel this way about my Snickerdoodle. I love waking up in the morning and seeing her face or feel her climb over me trying to wake me up.
"Get up Mommy!"
Though I don't want to spoil her to the point that she can't do without me, I'll admit sometimes it is hard. For the most part she is good at entertaining herself if I have duties around the house to complete or if I leave her in the care of a family member she'll busy herself with whatever. When I return in her sight that's when she falls apart. She'll run, crawl or fast walk to get to me. If we aren't in arms reach she'll start to whimper or even cry while reaching for me. When I'm in her sight, she watches every move I make and now that she is walking good, she'll try to follow.
Maybe I have spoiled her just a bit.
So many times I've replayed in my mind the events that has led up to her existence. Eventually I end up shedding a tear or two, because I realize that I am completely in love with her and I can't even begin to image my life without her.
When it comes to the type of love or intimacy that my daughter may not be able to provide me, I only hope that I am blessed to have such a person my life; for us to be on the same level and able to grow spiritually and emotionally together. Just as it is with my daughter, I want the divine given love; one that was chosen just for me.
Divinely favored.
The new issue of Essence magazine features singer Usher and his recently born infant son. I've only skimmed through the article and glanced at the beautifully done photo shoot, but I teared up as I read lyrics to a song he wrote for his son, especially the ending lines.
"I ain't going nowhere
Even when I get on your nerves
Cause I'm your daddy
My prayer for you
Son I pray for you"
- Usher "Prayer for You"
I've been inspired to sit down and pen something down for my better half. I haven't written anything for her since March, just before her first birthday. I just feel the need to go deeper with and about my love for her. I'm afraid I may never be able to convey such depth of loves in a written passage.
Ms. (In) Dependent
By Mahoganie
March 2008
Washington, DC
Ms. (In) Dependent
Decided to get up this morning and walk
With her destination unknown
Off she went
Cruising a narrow corridor
Exploring
A tapestry of clothing
A mountain range of dressers
Dusty peaks of exquisite smells
I watched from afar as she grabbed a leg of the old night stand
Balance and Confidence gained within
She looked back as if to say
"Don't fret. I got this!"
She passed a hill of old drop socks
Navigating her way through a maze of Donald Pliner, Ferragamo and Naturalizer boxes
Finally reaching a resting place
Grandma's bed
I couldn't help but to get a twinkle in my eye
My pride
For she is like me
In search of some kind of destiny
Child like Mother
Mother like child
for so long I was a melody
In search of the perfect lyric
God must have bionic hearing
Out of the ash of love confused with lust
he delivered my song
My better half
A life lyric helping to create the ultimate love song
I am her
She is me
My Aries wild child
To my calm Aquarian breeze.
Energy astound
"When you get blue, I feel it too."
Child like mother
Mother like child
Same (In) dependence
Feeding off a source in order to grow to be free
Wanting to explore the world
Even at an age so mild.
I can't do this, but somehow I end up and manage to do it anyway. I don't remember signing a contract to this life saying that I MUST take care of everyone. Somehow, I get the feeling that even if this were in a contract it would be nonnegotiable.
Today I was all set to reflect on Friday's funeral for my cousin Saint Elmo. I was ready to spew my thoughts on true love as Elmo's marriage to his wife lasted 62 years and how I was touched by their undying love. I was ready to describe in detail yesterday's scene from the black and white poka dot dress my cousin Jeph wore to Elmo's wife whimpering his name as she stood over him one last time before his casket was closed. Yet, I've been thrown off track and once again my focus has been all over the place. One part is good and the other part is a bit rough and sort of a broken record.
I'll start with the rough first.
If there is anything in this world I wish for as far as my family goes, it would be that my grandmother would be happier in her golden years. Things haven't been the same for her since that tragic year when death came in three. My grandfather, my great-grandmother (grandma's mother) and uncle (grandma's brother) passed away within months of each other. It seems that she never fully recovered from the blows. Even though she remarried, there have been some rainy days as the hubby's family vs my family as been anything but nice.
Then came the year when her husband had the stroke. My grandmother struggled alone to take care of him as he went through rehabilitation. Around the same time I had just resigned from my "good" government job, spent much of that fall focusing on my writing and was sharing my grandmother's car. Since I was using her car during the week, on weekends I would spend the day with her and help her care for husband. My care for my (step) grandfather seemed to have come from a place I never knew of. I went over and beyond with some things and I am not even blood. His blood relatives never bothered to step up to the plate, still haven't.
In recent days it seems like I'm living in dejavu. I've been taking care of my grandmother's household and not even sure how I ended up with this task. Saturday really took that cake as my grandmother has been in no shape or form to run "her" house at the moment. My aunt, who seems to be fed up with the situation, found an opportunity to flee; for a short while. So I was left to care for my grandmother, her husband my little cousin and yes... even my OWN Snickerdoodle.
In between short conversations on the instant messenger, I've cleaned, chased after, cooked, changed diapers, helped the fallen elderly (literally) and supervised. I fought back tears, because I felt as if I'm simply not equipped to handle all of this. I have found myself talking to myself or at least thinking in my head to/with God and wondering... why do I bother with all of this? I know this is family and blood is thicker than anything, but why? It's really not my responsibility to run someone else's household.
I can simply say I am doing this out of service or some sense of duty. A little of this maybe true, because really it is inhumane and cruel to neglect our elderly. However, I do believe it is mostly out of love. I would move as many mountains as I can for my grandmother, especially since I know she would do the same for me. Still, it breaks me down to see with my very own eyes how my grandmother is giving into her depression. Sometimes she does revert back to a place that is innocent and there are times when I have to be firm so she can understand why I'm doing certain things for her.
After dealing with things in my grandmother's household and then come home to all of the construction madness, it's pretty safe to say.. at this point I have officially lost my motherfucking mind.
I am happy to report that there is light.
Before Saturday, I received an email on my Blackberry that just about made me cry buckets of tears. Earlier I helped one of my journalism sisters with her application for an upcoming journalism conference; that once again I'm gonna miss out on. She applied for a program within the conference that basically pays your room and board during the whole event. Part of the package required an essay response to a posed question. Working on a deadline, she asked me to take a look at the essay and edit as needed.
Despite the distractions I had to contend with, I completed the edits. The next day I received this in my email.
To: Mahoganie
From: Journalism Sister
I got the gig!
Thanks for all of your help. They called Friday and let me know that I won the contest. Wowzers! I'm so excited.
You and I need to talk about getting your j-life together, okay? I really need you to focus on journalism. You are too good not to be following your calling. Sometimes we get so stuck in doing things the way we want to do them, that we don't listen out for what or how God is telling us to do things.
I don't mean to lecture, so please don't take it that way. I just want to see you succeed at this. And that means getting that piece of paper, for yourself as much as for someone else. It also means that you put your nose to the ground and join this grind. There will be no perfect situation. Just do it. You deserved this opportunity as much or more than I. Your blogs are wonderful, even when you write about yourself.
Just do it.
PLEASE!
I got in touch with her early Saturday to thank her for her words. I never did mention how many times I've reread the email and each time almost boo-hoo'd, especially since I already know what God given gifts and talent I have on my hands.
I just seem to be going in circles with a lot of things.
I feel hysterically lost...something like hysterically blind where a person temporarily has lost their vision.
Everything feels out of control.
The only comfort I feel are quiet moments with the Snickerdoodle and when I find a corner to write.
I pray for some kind of peace to hover near.
This is too much.
"I can be ya wake up reason daily
You can be my first and leading lady
I'ma make you happy that you waited
For me to settle down (oh oh)
I'm ready and I'm not afraid to say it
I'm tired of the game, already played it
I'm over all the other girls I dated
I tell you what you are
You're my diamond girl
You're the one I put the rock on
You're my diamond girl
You're the one that I quit the game for"
- Ryan Leslie, "Diamond Girl"
It's wedding season. I feel it, see it and hear it.
As mentioned in the previous entry LAF and Erin are both engaged. Even Suga Mama is getting into the scene with visions she is having, but her thoughts are more of a shock value right now than anything.
I just got off the phone with Suga Mama and of course we touched on the marriage subject. I was ready to be her listening ear until she turned the tables on me and my current thoughts and feelings. I feel like a broken a record in many ways discussing my thoughts on marriage. Nothing much as changed since I last thought, wrote or spoke about it. I'm still pretty ambivalent.
Do I or don't I?
What has changed is that I do give it a bit more thought anytime the subject arises. As I told Suga Mama a few minutes ago, I wouldn't mind being married. I can see myself as somebody's wife, but my thinking right now is (and may forever be) is there something more? If anyone who reads my writings, it's pretty clear and bluntly stated I don't like to settle for ANYTHING in my life. I just may have "is-the-grass-always-greener" syndrome. Yes, I may have had some half assed choices in men in the past, but I would like to think of them as lessons and even THANK them for both the good and bad they brought to the table. With each experience I've had thus far, I feel as if I can further determine what is needed in my life, what I want and what is totally unacceptable.
Yesterday I was cleaning one of my inboxes. I came across a two month old email that contained a link to a clip from Oprah, in which she had a special show called "America Talks to Oprah." The segment explored reasons why the reported fact, 70% of African-American women are single, is so. A 26 year old woman gave her analysis based on her observations with the main or a heavy reason being that many of her fellow Black women are waiting for what ever Black man of their dreams to live out the strong Black family unit. True, some of us are open to dating outside of our race, but when it comes down to it many (including the ones that date outside of the race) still want the image, value and tradition of a "strong Black family."
Of course Oprah chimed in with a sobering fact that those who are waiting for that certain Black man will still be waiting, because the numbers are off. Like Oprah, I don't know the stats, but it is a known fact that Black women out number Black men, especially in my age group. I easily saw that during my years at Howard as my classes, my work place and noticing the city a bit more, that the majority roaming around were Black women.
As Oprah pointed out, it's like there's a certain cut of meat that everyone wants, but the reality is it's not available. I understand fully that my life will not be a fairytale that I've planned in my head. Honestly, I never had a vision of the perfect man or the man of my dreams. My "dream man" is sort of being pieced as I live my daily life and experience life.
If I were to have my way today and live out a married life I would included the following:
- my father's street/military stance: as far as an immediate instinct to protect the family and being the lead.
- being willing to have a continuous walk with God. To grow in all aspects in the life and light of faith. Being able to grow right along with me spiritually
- have a sense humor and not to take life too seriously.
- have respect and unconditional love for my daughter as if she were his own.
- have an adventurous spirit.
- have a conversation that is both intellectual and silly
- knowing his own heart and have some kind of ambition in life. Have some kind of drive in life.
I don't think this is too much to ask. My heart is open, I just hope my eyes are. Still, I'm in no rush to jump the broom or for anyone to proclaim me as their "Diamond Girl." I have things I have to work on from my end, before I become anyone's wife. Right now, I'm just on cruise control in the love department as Papi and I ... how did Suga Mama put it.... "enhance" our friendship.
The real nitty gritty has begun on the house.
Dust covers the heavy duty plastic covering on the furniture in the kitchen and dinning room. New copper pipes replace old rotted ones. Parts of the living room and kitchen have been knocked out to make way for a new bathroom on the main level. Old furniture pieces have been donated.
My back (and even a part of my chest) hurts from all of the packing, moving and even carrying my child around on a daily basis.
Change is here and in a big way.
In the midst of packing up my bedroom I've thrown away a lot things.
A couple of old book bags filled with classwork from my junior and high school years, old and broken trinkets and donated just about my entire closet of clothes and shoes to charity; stuff I hadn't worn since the late 80s and well into the 90s.
I came across old printed out emails, including one from my "Him from New York"; professing his "love" for me. Whatever...
I've come across many pictures and loose change.. I didn't realized I had so many pictures and money scattered about.
In the midst of all of this change I can't help but wonder what is in store for the future.
Indeed I'm in this new phase in life, but I don't know how to describe it. It almost feels as if I'm in the same position I was in during my first brink of real change.... very pivotal.
The urge to write has hit me and I'm a bit frustrated cause within this week alone soooo much had to be done before the walls could be knocked into no time to really write. i just pray that the thoughts retain in my head, even as I dream.
Now that the renovation work has officially begun, it sort of caught everyone in the household a little off guard - even though we've known about this since the planning stages. Yet, to see a drastic change to your HOUSE go on right before your eyes is "a hold your breath" kinda thing.
This is indeed not only a change in my life but in my parents as well. For 28 years all of us have LIVED in this house - a house that was originally built in the 50s(?) by an old white guy - who built it for him and his grown son. His son never moved in, because once the house was finished he had gone to live elsewhere and started a family on his own. This is the story my old Italian (next door) neighbor would tell our family over and over.
Speaking of which I miss Ms. Lovisa dearly. I grew up fascinated by her well kept garden in the backyard and her mini vineyard. Who ever heard of a mini vineyard with grapes growing wildly in Southeast Washington, DC? Ms. Lovisa may have very well left Italy, but Italy didn't leave her. And yes.. she did make wine and didn't hesitate in sharing with my father. She even picked me up from school a couple of times - once with a visiting relative from Italy and I got an earful of spoken Italian as I sat back and smile and nodded as if I understood.
It broke my heart when she was no longer able to care for herself. Her family placed her in a nursing home clear on the other side of town... more so in Montgomery County, MD near her sister. Her house was sold and I was a bit angry at the folks who now live in "Ms. Lovisa's House." How dare they get rid of her garden and dig up her beautiful peonies!
Again.. that was a change I wasn't ready for just yet.
Along with this change that is occurring there's Papi. I find myself haunted by past lovers; with opportunities that I could have jumped on but left alone. I'm definitely not the same girl. Each day I'm wanting Papi more and more. Still it's one day at a time. Just be. Last night we had gone to see The Roots and Erykah Badu perform. What's strange is, I've never been the cuddle in public type, but there I was with my head resting on his shoulder or my arm contently on his leg as Erykah Badu sang her heart out.
Side note: Can I just say I looked and felt sexy. I rarely say this often, even if it is about myself but I was hot! I found a dress at Torrid.. something like this - minus the pockets and mine is a dark gray. My jewelry from the Lalia Rowe store in Tyson's Corner... something like this - my necklace was multi-color with pastels pink, yellow, a mint green and light blue. My black six inch Steve Madden pumps and my black clutch from Aldo. Oh and of course the right touch of MAC make up. I even wore a little eyeshadow which is something I do once is a blue moon. Ironically, I matched Papi who was wearing gray and black; which is something I loathe when I see a couple matching. However, I had no idea he was going to wear such. Too bad we didn't take any pictures.
Change is in the air and I'm not talking about Obama's madness.
I feel like shedding more skin.
Recognize. Accept. Embrace.
Change.. feel it
Copping The High
By: Mahoganie
April 10, 2008
Washington, DC
Never knew what an addiction was
Until there was you
My internal tracks
Evidence of what I took in vain
My past filled with something like you
Still, it's not the same
Thought I turned the page
Wrestling, biting, scratching, fighting
Emancipating myself from the
Meaningless
Then there was you
Not fully aware of your presence
I made one move
It put me in place to be
A super hero by day
Defending her honor
Yet at night I disrobe my armor
Thoughts of you
Missing you
Excited by you
Indifferent about you
Wanting you
Needing you
Addicted to you
Cold sheets
Head bowed
Eyes closed
Still darkness
Explore
Touches like yours, but mine
Unafraid
Aware, but soon gone
My breath is yours
My voice is your whisper
Lower...
I tease, you tease
Feeling...
Stiff, rubber, veins...You're stiff and girthy
Deeper...
I go, you go
My cries are mine
Sensation surreal
Enter...stay...tease...slow...go...stop...
Stay...caress...tease...slow...go
My trip...
My hidden tracks
Filled and over flowing with my sinful lust
I hear nothing
I see nothing
Just feel
My trip
Feeling you inside of me
The power of one
Taking me higher
To a place that I cannot reach in reality
Overwhelmed
I succumb to your calling
My trip is done
My tears freely run
Never knew what an addition was
Until there was you
Lately I've come to conclusion that no one can talk to me about love unless they have been marred for 50 PLUS years.
This thinking has been generated through observations and listening to others in my family who have been divorced, are going through one or are considering one. One of the things I have noticed has been... the men in my family choosing bi-polar chics or chics with bi-polar traits as their wives.
As I listen to situations of my relatives, from every angle possible, I can't help but wonder what attracted them to such females in the first place. I also wonder... are we (the family) being too rash in using the term "bi-polar" to describe these wayward females, because the term does seem more convenient and easily acceptable in today's society?
Honestly, in light of some things that I've experienced or witnessed I'm realizing everyone in this world is messed up in their own way and is hurting deep within.
...Well it seems like it.
How messed up can a man be to threaten his children lives to spite his wife and eventually drowning them in a tub, but too chicken to kill himself afterwards? (thinking of the man from Silver Spring, MD who killed his kids in a Baltimore Hotel)
How messed up can a grown woman be to not want to come to the aid of her mom, who has Alzheimer's, because of how she treated you when you were growing up? (thinking of a distant cousin here)
Sometimes I think of Seal's "Crazy" song and even quote some of the lyrics
"We're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy."
Yet, how "crazy" is too crazy? Is being crazy the only way to survive this life?
Imagine the great force of things (positive or negative) when defense mechanisms are unmasked.
WOW!
To think...some folks think I'm crazy because I hate and most of the time don't wear a coat in the winter, I do the same with stockings, wear high heels all the time, will bus out with the "Spider Pig" song at any given moment and will mix anything in a bowl like cabbage, rice, a cheese egg and scrambled salmon.
Some might even call me crazy cause I had a slight breakdown a few years back. They called Brandy and Mariah Carey "crazy" when they had theirs and not wanting to understand that it was just as simple as self-inflicted exhaustion.
When did this world get to be so over baring causing all these "bi-polar" or depression disorders and almost making it hip to be declared such? Think: Bobby Brown trying to use bi-polar as an excuse to escape a marijuana charge a few years back.
I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this post. Just that my mind has been wondering lately about all this bi-polar talk amongst my family, friends and society.
So really... is it "safe" to say that EVERYONE walking this earth needs some kind of mood stabilizer just to make it through the day? Would this world function a lot better with everyone taking "the happy pill"?
Granted, bi-polar disorder is a serious issue as the ramifications from it can be devastating. Still maybe this term is just a little convenient to use, especially if no one understands "the strange and abnormal," of even if the "strange" doesn't want to help themselves to be seen in another light - if that makes any sense...
Tired...
In awe...
Blessed...
I'm not sure where to begin to talking about what has taken place this weekend. Today's climax with TWO church services was the icing on the proverbial cake.
Though I basically write my blog reflections for myself - providing that years later I will look back on these virtual pages and go "What was I thinking?" - I doubt that my visible and invisible readers are interested in knowing how the renovations have started.. well just some wiring work. The electricity was shut off for much of the day on Saturday while the electrician toiled away. Everyone was out and about running their errands in the midst of crazy traffic. DC had a lot going on this weekend and I was caught in it.. from the National Marathon, to the Cherry Blossom festival and later on when I dropped my folks off at the National's exhibition baseball game in the opening of the new ballpark.
Yet.. all of that is not the real crux of my thought.
My agenda for this weekend was to mainly celebrate life.. my Snickerdoodle's life.
Today she is a year old.
However, in the midst of my daughter's birthday, a life suddenly was taken by the grace of God.
My immediate cousin Richard... whom we affectionately called "Cuz."
In other journals that I've kept, I've referred to Cuz in reference to 9/11. He was a pilot for American Airlines and everyone was concerned about him in the midst of the horrific events of that day. His plane was destined for California. However, he was already up in the air when the hijackings and crashings were taking place. He was grounded in Texas, which was good for him since he has relatives there.
While it is obvious that his time to leave this life wasn't during 9/11, it is painful to know this time was the right time. As the "story" goes. He was diagnosed with cancer this past Nov. I'm not sure what type or how far advanced it was. All I know is, he apparently took a turn for the worse this past week and quietly passed away yesterday morning at the age of 41, leaving behind one 13 year old son we call "Penta."
Yesterday, I was pretty much in shock about the news. 1) I hadn't seen Cuz in a couple of years and I wasn't sure how to feel since I wasn't THAT close to him, he was....is still family. 2) I didn't know he had cancer.
Needless to say I pressed on with today.
It was already on my agenda to go with my family to hear my Aunt VJ preach. She has been a minister in training at her church and today was her initial sermon with a presentation for her to received her license. The whole thing about my Aunt VJ preaching wasn't a total shock because I knew that she has been working on this for a while. However, after today I see my aunt in a different light now. As of recent I would joke about Aunt VJ being a "Battle Ax," and how going to her house was like suburbia hell for me since becoming an adult with all my married and family oriented cousins around me... the single still in school.. (the sorta) gone astray chic.
I will be the first say, I'm EXTREMELY proud of my Aunt VJ and how well she preached today, especially in light of Cuz's death who is her (step) son. When I saw my family today, we were all in good spirits, but we were mostly concerned about Uncle Rich (Cuz's father/ Aunt VJ's husband). Uncle Rich is a strong, proud man. A wonderful father! I've always admired him..dispite the fact he is republican (hehehe). Uncle Rich gets emotional and he isn't too proud to show it. So even at the mention of Cuz during service today... and even during Uncle Rich's dedication and Aunt VJ giving her praise thanks to Cuz...
The family broke down.
My tears broke loose.
Cuz's presence was felt.
Yet, in the midst of his death... we still celebrated life.
Aunt VJ preached form the Old Testament.. Deuteronomy Chapter 30 --- mainly focusing on verse 19.
"I call heaven and earth to record this day against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed (your children) may live." - KJV
Aunt VJ preached from the perspective of how folks can be the walking dead - living a life under the wrong spirit and allowing unnecessary suffering to enter. Choosing God allows life and light to come into your life and bring an unfounded peace. Life is different when you have divine peace. For me, her message actually coincided with my pastor's message from today - about unlikely candidates of being used/blessed by God. Earlier in the day I attended my own church and was hit with a reaffirming message that my life does have a purpose. Also, that pain is a part of life and the blessing in pain or hitting a deeper low is being built up. He used the analogy of tall buildings having a deeper foundation in order for it to be supported properly and able to withstand the strength it is built upon.
With the two sermons today, I was able to knock down some discouraging thoughts I had earlier in the week about my life. I had allowed some unsettling thoughts come in and I began to question some overall decisions I've made and perhaps having regrets. Yet, in that particular time I didn't stop to think about the blessings that have been delivered unto me, especially in regards to my daughter. I'll admit, sometimes I'm quick to forget how much of a blessing she is to me , because all I see were mistakes I've made in which she became the end result. Even though my daughter, in all of her beauty and innocence, is the love of my life and really can't imagine myself without her since her arrival, I still have a hard time forgetting and forgiving myself and even her father for what WAS, because situations could have been avoided altogether.
It's a process that I've been working on resolving from within. However I can go "would've, could've should've" all I want, but maybe this whole experience of being a single mom was in the cards for me all along. Hearing my cousin LaJaun (who is also studying to become a minister) giving her thanks to her mom, Aunt VJ and small testimony about being the "product" of a 16 year old mother, I felt encouraged. So, despite the blues I felt during the past week or so, I choose to live.
Being around my family today (or any other time) I’m always filled with some sense of being whole. Even with this side of my family – my father’s side – we’re close, but not close. There is a broken connection somewhere and I use to get on everyone for not calling from time to time to say hello. Ironically it was my Uncle Mike who did that this time around. However, as he criticized my father for not being in touch, in the same token he hasn’t been, nor Aunt VJ. From the looks of things, it seems as if Uncle Mike and Aunt VJ’s clans have gelled together in the past couple of years; and still only calling my father and Aunt J in Seattle when something “special” is going on.
Honestly, I’ll admit, while the desire is there for me to draw my family closer, I haven’t made any attempts myself. My dream has always been to buy a house and have regular gatherings with my family (from both sides) in my house, even being a host to Aunt J when she comes to DC to visit so she won’t have to worry about staying with my cousin LaJuan all the time or in a hotel.
Work with the connection still needs to be done.
Aside from the "shadow of death" and other feelings, the Snickerdoodle had a very good first birthday. It may seem a bit unconventional to forego a birthday party and just spend time with the family and in church all day, but she enjoyed it. Just before leaving the house to see Aunt VJ, I iced up a cupcake that I made with chocolate frosting, lit her candle, and the family gathered to sing “Happy Birthday.” She dug into her cupcake…with a little help from me and of course got chocolate all over her face and hands – thankfully not on her “Sunday Best!!!!”
During Aunt VJ service, I was nervous because I didn’t know how the Snickerdoodle would hold up; being that it was close to her dinner time. She was a bit busy or fidgety, but she handled it well. Thankfully, all of us went to a nearby Old Country Buffet for dinner and the Snickerdoodle was started to get fussy then, but her food shut her up. The birthday wasn’t quite over, as my Aunt Edith and my mother told the staff that today was the Snickerdoodle birthday.
Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Ten minutes later the staff made a big announcement and everyone in the place was singing happy birthday to the Snickerdoodle.
Note: I wish my camera was working properly at the time to catch the Snickerdoodle’s face. The look she gave was hilarious as if to say “Why is everyone singing and looking at me?” My camera briefly went on the brink as some of the Snickerdoodle’s milk got in between lens and made it sticky. It started working properly again once I got home.
It’s after ten in the evening and it sounds as if the Snickerdoodle is tuckered out.
*Pause to check*
The party girl hasn’t crashed just yet, but it is coming.
I think I feel my crash coming too.
I was looking for a Natalie Dee comic to coincide with my random thoughts for today. Needless to say I stumbled along something in her archives that just made me choke on my own saliva; a drawing of her husband "murdering" Michael Jackson's Billie Jean.
Random Thought # 1
I'm waaaay overdue for a Pap test. Being a woman seems so inconvient and disturbing when you think about a visit to the OBGYN.
Any man out here wanna take my piping and my OBGYN?
Random Thought #2
I pondered last night if I'm too much of the world to make a full connection with my spirituality. Well maybe not too much of the world...I'm just... I don't know what is the word or phrase I'm looking for. Hmmm. I'm not an atheist. I'm a bit quirky. I try to see beauty in everything. While I don't glamorize illegal drug use, I can sympathize and perhaps understand a bit why someone would abuse it. A large part of me wants to break free from anything and just totally let go of any inhibitions I have. While I do attend church, it's only on the Sundays when I feel the need to or just basically when I feel up to it
Was I over churched as a kid; especially in attending religious schools all my life?
What is really going on with me spiritually?
Random Thought #3
I really do hurt for some men out here. The ones who have been taken for granted and are really top picks of the liter. In talking with Papi and other male friends, none have ever felt appreciated or even had partners that took the time to pamper or cater to them for at least a day. They were always the givers, and eventually got took some kind of a way. As a giver (and there are some of us ladies who give) I have felt the sting as well of being taken for granted. That was mainly due to a bad choice on my part to give to someone who didn't deserve it. Yet, when I asked my friends and Papi would they know what they want if given the opportunity to be treated for a day in and outside of the bedroom, no one could fully answer. One guy even asked me for suggestions of what she should look/ask for.
Have we females become so jaded about love or who we are "dating/seeing" that we feel we are entitled to being the receiver constantly?
Random Thought #4
Out of a lil boredom and tired of being referred to as the anti-socialable MySpace Nazi, I revamped my MySpace page a bit. I will say, the song I selected kicks arse! (opps! Irish accent slipped)
But seriously, who really pays attention to me on MySpace anyways?
Random Thought #5
After.................. (okay I can't think of the exact number) of year with my online writing group, I'm thinking about leaving. The group doesn't "feed" my anymore. There are more "off topics," posted than anything pertaining to writing. I've been thinking about it for a while. I don't feel "at home" anymore. It is one of the rare online communities that I have found to be drama free, but sometimes I wonder. I probably won't leave altogether, just change my membership to receive a digest of the latest happenings.
Speaking to self right now ----> Honestly, are you still benefiting from the group?
I have a new addiction.
I did have this well thought out and perhaps long entry I wanted to spew about it, but lately my attention span is that of a child hopped up on a sugar rush.
I gotta keep moving.
Only thing I can say at this point is... I totally feel Jay-Z's lyrics to his "I Know"
What's been going on..what I've been pondering on writing about are some realizations that has been brought to my attention.
It's nothing bad, but more so of me facing some fears of mine about being in a (possible) relationship.
From hanging out with my girls over the weekend, to having dinner with Papi last night, to speaking with Brandon earlier today about his relationship and even some of my fears - it's been interesting to all these perspectives come together making me ask myself;
Self, where do we go from here?
Needless to say.. with my new "addiction" I can't help wonder if it's all just a pure lust, a hidden relapse into the old me of finding solace in the wrong place or is this something materializing into something more genuine? Is this something working on both ends in which a divine master plan is involved?
As I sit and marinate on these thoughts... I'll just keep Jay-Z on repeat for a while.
*Note about the song: While I see two possible meanings to the song- 1.) Jay talking from the point of view of a drug to a drug addict 2) Jay taking a spin and speaking about love and making himself a drug to the so-called "addict." I'm taking the second meaning in regards to my situation.
I Know
By: Jay-Z
Album: American Gangsta
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
I know what you like
Everything you love
I know what you like
Everything you love
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
I know what you like ....HOV
Baby you love ....HOV
Baby you love ....HOV
Baby you like ....HOV
Uh-
She wants that old thing back
Uh- uh- uh-
She want those Heroin tracks
She likes me
She fiends for me nightly
She leans for me
Morning she rush for my touch
This is about LUST
Cold sweats occur when I'm not with her
My presence is a must- must- must-
Bonita Applebum, i gotta put you on
If i didn't when we cuttin' the feeling would be too strong
In any form, I'm giving you sweet dreams
That Sugar Hill, she call me her sweet thing
That Black Rain that take away your pain
Just for one night, baby, take me in vein
Now that feelin' got you trippin'
You no wanna feel no differently
Said lust has got you itchin'
Nose wide open and its' drippin' -eh -eh -eh -eh
I know what you like, i am your prescription
I'm your physician, I'm your addiction
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
I know what you like
Everything you love
I know what you like
Everything you love
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
I know what you like ....HOV
Baby you love ....HOV
Baby you love ....HOV
Baby you like ....HOV
I am so DOPE
Like Louboutins with the red bottoms
You gotta have 'em, you glad you got 'em
Like every color Giuseppe's, your guilty pleasure is me
Its so much fun, you shun therapy
Although it never be, the feeling is fleeting
Shopping's like coppin', you constantly need it
I'm never around, you constantly seek it
You'll never be down, i know where your peak is
9 1/2 weeks is better than 12-steps
I keep tryin' to remind you to keep tellin' yourself
Now your conscience is interfering, like "Better yourself!"
Like you better get help
But when that medicine's felt?
We're back together
Don't ever leave me
Don't ever let 'em tell you that you'll never need me
My China White, 'til we D.O.A.
Its Montego forever, baby, lets get away....
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
I know what you like
Everything you love
I know what you like
Everything you love
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
I know what you like ....HOV
Baby you love ....HOV
Baby you love ....HOV
Baby you like ....HOV
How could you leave me?
I thought that you needed me!
When the world got too much and you pleaded with me--
Who helped you immediately?
How speedy of me!
How could you deny me so vehemently?
Now your body is shakin' trying to free it of me
And your soul is in control, trying to lead it from me
And your heart no longer pledge allegiance to me
Damn, I'm missing the days when you needed the D
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
I know what you like
Everything you love
I know what you like
Everything you love
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
I know what you like ....HOV
Baby you love ....HOV
Baby you love ....HOV
Baby you like ....HOV
Yesterday was one of those times when my emotions were running high. I'm not sure why that was. However, I had watched two movies and engaged in stimulation conversation with my family that got my thought catankers moving. Plus, as I'm continuing in reading the book Saturday's Child, I'm starting to see a few simularities with the main character Sara, which is hitting a nerve.
I'm not sure where to start with my thoughts, but I'll guess I'll start with late Saturday night into Sunday morning.
Once I put the Snickerdoodle to bed, I popped in my copy of Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Marrried.
*Digressing with a note to Tyler Perry before Continuing*
Dear Tyler,
My apologies for looking at a bootleg copy of your movie; which was actually a gift of some sort. I do believe WHOLE HEARTINGLY is supporting you of any other artist, writer, etc. However, times have been a slightly rocky lately. I could give you the song and dance with a load of excuses, but that doesn't take away from the fact that I indirectly participated in the pirating of your movie. I plan to make up the lost sale to you, by purchasing the movie once it's on DVD. As always I cheer you on and very proud of your accomplishments.
Blessings,
Mahoganie
*End of Digression*
So I was looking at Why Did I Get Married, and though I laughed at the antics of the characters, especially Tasha and Marcus, and felt my emotions ride the roller coaster with everyone, in the end I found myself crying tears (of joy) with Jill Scott's character, Sheila.
Fortunately, I'm thankful that I've never reached an esteem or self worth low that I felt I NEEDED a man or allowed my whole life to be nothing but about whatever man is in my life. Yet, in light of some things I've gone through with men I felt the end result of a failed relationship and the pain is VERY real, especially if you are giving your all and the person doesn't appreciate you.
As Sheila said through her tears... it's like you pray to God hoping things will work out, but at some point you realize your relationship was built on the wrong things and why would you stick around to try to make it work with someone who .. as blunt and plain as Sheila put it...
"He don't like me."
In the midst of that particular scene I floated back to an episode of Sex and the City (if anyone knows me.. you know I was a fanatic of the show) In a particular episode, Charlotte attends a self help or motivational speaking forum where some flat robotic sounding lady was repeating these affirmations
something about...
putting yourself out there to a receive love...
Crap.. basically.
Charlotte stood up, made her case known.. and basically expressed how she did find love, but it didn't work and she was affraid that he took her ability to love away. That's something that I've feared myself....getting involved with a person and being hurt to your very core that in some way they took your ability to love. I thought that would happen after my last (so- called) relationship I was in. Though I gaurd my heart, I would like to think I'm still pretty open to love.. and perhaps marriage...
My tears with Sheila really started to roll as she exhaled. She was sitting around her friends crying and explaining the goodness her new husband and the joy her brought to her when she exhaled.. not once.. but TWICE.
Though I'm not married and never been.. still ambivilent about marriage....I still long for that kind of love. The kind that is God given and so deep that it makes you cry tears of joy AND exhale a releases. Sometimes I think I found it with my daughter. I'm utterly in love with my child and I do find myself crying at odd moments when I'm just observing her. Other times, I think there is something more, and I'm not sure what that "more" is.
For the last few weeks I've been feeling pent up inside. I went to church last week, cried a few tears and felt a bit better, but I felt more was needed. I need an even bigger or "Grand-er" release.
The last time I cried and cried I was on the brink of coming out of my depression.
Yesterday, though I missed church I managed to get out of the house with my mother and some cousins. We headed to the movies to see The Great Debaters.
The movie is EXCELLENT!
However, the thing with me and movies that have racially charged scenes, I'm ready to start a revolution. Lo and behold, after the movie my family and I went out to eat and ended up with this tacky white guy for a server. What really got to me and my cousin "T" was when "this guy" our server.. was passing out the straws and threw one across the table to my other cousin "J."
A true What The Flip?!?!?!?!?! moment. Somehow I think soon after that he realized he was about to catch a case from six Black women and calmed his butt down.
Needless to say, within the movie itself.. I think the most difficult scene for me is when the characters came across a lynch mob. The mob had just lynched a Black person and set them on fire. There have been other movies I've seen with such scenes and still found those images hard to take. Being that The Great Debaters is based on a true story..the youngest in their bunch was 14. I can't imagine being 14 or younger and being exposed to such a harsh reality. Yet, it was 1935 and it was real.
The movie did fill me with a sense of pride, especially since the debaters represented Wiley College, a small, but historically black college. I guess it also helped a bit that Howard University (smiling) was mentioned in the movie and a debate took place between Wiley and Howard.. with Howard winning. Of course it made me hungry for school more. I shall be on campus this week seeing an advisor. I want to finish my degree... not even for me anymore.. for my daughter.
Back at dinner, I felt like crying tears of joy, but I held it in. Somehow my cousins, mom and I landed on the topic of my mother's health. Actually it went that direction as we were discussing another cousin who is currently in the hospital. This particular cousin is going through it right now with heart issues, diabetes and much more. Like my grandmother, this cousin - who is my grandmother's first cousin - hadn't been taking her medication, so her body is failing her right now.
As we discussed our cousin, my mother mentioned how she has some of the same issues as our cousin, but my mother is a picture of good health. She takes her medication, her diabetes is under control, she has a a good cardiologist and her blood pressure is normal. Yet as my mom told the story that has been recounted many times.. the mild stroke.. the possible heart attack while she was working.. the climbing the stairs at work.. the being out of breath.. the stress.. cardiologist telling she is lucky and that she could have died any day on the steps at work...everything....
I listened to all of that silently thanking God that my mother is still here. My mother and I may have our issues, but I only have ONE mother. At the time of her failing health, I was going through my own turbulant storm. Had she left this life I'm scared to know which direction my life would have taken..... for the worse or made me stronger?
From that conversation, talks about the failing public school system (which my mother retired from) and the state of the city's children. A couple of eyars back, my mother was attending these study courses at church around the book The Purpose Driven Life. She mentioned that after going to those classes she realized her purpose or her ministry in life were the children she "governed" everyday. As an assistant principle she saw and heard things that probably made her wince at first but as she got use to it.. she did what she had to for her students.
As I've said countless times, my mother is one of the good ones. She may have been tough on her students, but in the long run it was appreicated. If they see her on the street, they will stop dead in their tracks just to run to my mother and give her a hug. They LOVE my mother.
Meanwhile, throughout that part of the conversation I thought how in the last couple of days I've been wondering what my purpose in this life is.
Whatever it is.. I have a feeling writing is involved.
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