6 posts tagged “growth”

Through the rainy weather, my 2 year-old's busy body-ness, and finding the right dress to wear in quasi-renovation mess, I made it to church. As usual, when I arrived and stepped into the sacred space I felt at home. After all it's only the church I grew up in. Still having big gaps in my attendance, it's not hard for me to feel like a "newbie" in my own church, even if I do know all the "secret" passage ways or back steps to move to all three levels.  

Today, not having enough patience to have the busy body of the Snickerdoodle sit with me during service, I took my mother's suggestion from the night before. I placed her downstairs in the "children's church." For her age group, the chaperons were folks I know well of course, but one looked at me as if she had no clue who I was. Guess I've really be gone. Another recognized me right away and immediately began to "make friends" with the Snickerdoodle. At first she wasn't having it. It didn't matter if other children her age were in the room and eating snacks, my Snickerdoodle didn't want any parts. It took a passing member of the "security ministry" to drop in and coax my daughter into staying. With my help of pulling out her juice and small baggie of animal crackers I prepared for her, it worked! She took a seat and began to make her presence know by talking to everyone in the room.

I slipped out and went upstairs to the sanctuary. For a while I couldn't get into the service for being nervous about the Snickerdoodle. What if she needed me, would they be able to find me in the sanctuary? A couple of time I even thought that deacons and ushers standing in the cove area were looking for me as I spotted them staring in my direction ---- clearly on the other side of the church. However, I began to relax once I realized I was acting silly and I needed to calm my mini trip down paranoid lane down.

The pastor was underway in starting with the word or the message for the day. As he spoke on a parable found in Luke, about a rich man who had EVERYTHING and God commanded him to sell EVERYTHING to the poor because he lacked one thing, I found myself in a tug of war with my thoughts. I wondered just how pure my heart is in thinking and executing things. I mean well, but how often is it that my good intentions aren't all what they seem?

I recognize there a couple of things I've been dealing with in my own heart and mind. What kills me is how obsessive I have been about it, to the point where my pure thoughts may turn into venom guised as good intentions. That's awful, but it's been happening. Thankfully it's all thoughts and no actions. I'm going to be in prayer about this, because really this is just not a good thing to be harboring.

What's been lingering in my heart and mind, I've been trying to figure out how to stop obsessing over them. I want to pull away completely, but how do I do so without hurting potential innocent bystanders? Again... I need to be in prayer about this.

For the most part, this phase of my transition still feels a bit heavy. I'm still "swimming," not sure when I will surface. Interesting enough, I had a creepy dream a few days ago. Don't remember all of it, but the main part was finding out that a close friend of mine had died. I couldn't get to him, not even to the funeral. In the dream I was calm but I still tried to get to him, maybe even feeling a bit guilty for not being there fully for him since he lives in another state. Yet when I woke up, I wasn't disturbed by the dream. It was fresh and very vivid in my mind when I immediately awoke, but still... I was calm and unmoved.

In reality, my friend Mr. Sigma who lives in Miami, was recently in the hospital going through surgery. I didn't know he was back in the hospital (he battles diabetes and is in and out the hospital often) until after the fact. Still in light of that situation, I didn't take my dream too literal. Though I did question Mr. Sigma's health, I kind of looked at it from the perspective that some part of my past is dying or is dead. I was trying to think of anything from my past that I feel guilty about because I couldn't save it. A few things came to mind. No exact moment or situation.

I didn't go up to the alter for alter call near the end of church service. Part of me wanted to, but the other part felt paralyzed. So I prayed in my pew. Benediction soon followed and after showing love to individual church family members, I whisked down the back steps to the lower level. I picked up the Snickerdoodle (who put on a pitiful face when she saw me despite a report that she talked and was friendly the whole time) from children's church, I left the building and headed home.

The rest of the day was fairly quiet as I helped the family cook tonight's dinner and managed to squeeze in a nap. At some point today, all I could think about was growing new skin as I turn 30. This skin has been morphing a long time, can't wait to see the result, come the end of this year.

It's safe to say that I, like millions of others, find myself in shock and speechless about yesterday's passing of Michael Jackson. What's crazy is I use to "fear" this day. Meaning, I use to wonder what the WORLD would do in reaction to the news of a Michael Jackson death. I seriously use to wonder about this as a kid.  I suspect that Michael Jackson's funeral (at least memorial service) will be very public and world wide. I wouldn't even be surprised if he received some kind of "state" funeral (or something like it) with accolades galore."

I'm an 80's baby. So I never got to experience "Little Michael" say like someone in my aunt's generation, who use to play her Jackson 5 albums to death; especially the song "ABC." When I came on the scene it was merely on the heels of his "Off the Wall" album and "Thriller" was not long behind. The rest [as they say] is HIStory. Fortunately I grew up in the era of Michael's "glory" days, when he was solidfied and a bonifide pop icon. So I feel rightful in standing in line with millions of others and make the claim I grew up with and on Michael Jackson. Though I never been to a Michael Jackson concert, I have the video footage from documentaries and such on his life that show the crying and overwhelmed fans passing out and being carried out at the shows. It WAS that deep...at least for them.

Obviously, I didn't know Michael personally or any of the Jacksons for that matter, but still my heart has been feeling kind of heavy. This week has caught me off gaurd completely, but it's more than Michael's death and even the deaths of TV personality Ed McMahon who passed earlier this week and actress Farrah Fawcett who passed hours earlier before Michael after a long fight with anal cancer. Maybe what rattled me this week was the unbelievable and indescribable local news (that went national) of the two red line metro transit trains that collided. Dozens were injured and nine people parished; two included a retired general and his wife my father knew from The Gaurd. Maybe what really did it was news of my next door neighbor, who was entering his home and was jumped on by some teens and pistol whipped in an attempted robbery the other night, while I've been in the house alone with my 2 year old for nearly two weeks now.

Nevertheless, in wake of the recent events, I can't help but feel reminded and faced dead on with the reality of immortality. On the day of the train accident, a fellow school-mate of mine (who is in his early 20's) updated his Facebook status to say he was on one of the trains in the accident, but wasn't injured, just in shock. Someone responded to his comment with "it wasn't your time."  Yesterday I thought to how Farah Fawcett was determined to beat her cancer and looked forward to a victory of living cancer free. Her plans took her as far as Germany where she met and had a team of doctors working with her on the latest treaments unknown or unauthorized in The States. Then I thought how Michael Jackson came out this passed March to proclaim his final curtain call will be concluding with a series of concerts given in London scheduled for this coming July. How odd is it that Michael Jackson and the unsuspecting folks in the Metro accident made their own plans - like the 23 year-old mother and owner of a beauty salon leaving work and was on the train in route planning to pick up her kids - but God had another plan....

That seems to be the nature of human beings, always planning and strategizing in an effort to control our life.  Yet something more powerful than us is in control and sadly it always takes something so catastrophic, such as the trifecta of death, to point this out. 

Curious to know other thoughts concerning Michael's death, I did something I haven't done in months. I looked up a former friend's blog as she has been documenting her Christian/spiritual journey. I was curious to know her spin on this and to see another Christian's perspective on the recent nationalized deaths of three celebrities and the nine local, everyday people who were lost in the train wreck (especially, since she rides that exact line and route to and from work).  Nothing posted on current events, but instead I stumbled upont her entry "At a Crossroads," where she breaks down four different roads people take in life.

1. The Yellow Brick Road: where she states the obvious of how people who have "made it" or reached a level of success and think it's all God, but really it's a faux life. Meaning, people who reach this status have all the materialistic gains of such a life, but there is still a void, because God isn't fully (if at all) in their lives.  She qoutes Psalm 14:12 (NIV) - "There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to destruction."

2. The Road to Nowhere: here she breaks down how this describes people who are stuck right at the their crossroads in life. Instead of making a move they sit and spectate and acutally maybe comfortable in during so. She quotes: Leviticus 26: 13-20 (NIV) - "I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt so that you would no longer be slaves to the Egyptians; I broke the bars of your yoke and enabled you to walk with heads held high.

 'But if you will not listen to me and carry out all these commands, and if you reject my decrees and abhor my laws and fail to carry out all my commands and so violate my covenant, then I will do this to you: I will bring upon you sudden terror, wasting diseases and fever that will destroy your sight and drain away your life. You will plant seed in vain, because your enemies will eat it. I will set my face against you so that you will be defeated by your enemies; those who hate you will rule over you, and you will flee even when no one is pursuing you. "

 'If after all this you will not listen to me, I will punish you for your sins seven times over. I will break down your stubborn pride and make the sky above you like iron and the ground beneath you like bronze. Your strength will be spent in vain, because your soil will not yield its crops, nor will the trees of the land yield their fruit."

3. The Road of Darkness: here she talks about the folks who basically get to their crossroads and walk backwards in their life journey. They may even reject the word of God; the "mentally and spiritually screwed up" as she refers to such individuals. She quotes Romans 1:28 (NIV) - "Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done. "

4. The Road to Enternal Life: basically this is the life in which God has you in His care, if you choose Him and this road. Ironically she quoted a verse that I have kept close to me ever since my Aunt VJ preached on it (the whole chapter) during her initial sermon a year ago - also the day after her (step) son's passing. It was such an emotional and bittersweet moment in my life. Deutoronomy 30:19 (NIV) - "I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that you and your descendants may live."

How surreal this keeps coming up in my life?

Recently I had the opportunity to interview a talented, business savy, indpendently produced singer for an online music publication. My conversation with her felt so reaffirmming and pretty much a testimony to what she has accomplished in her life and continues to do so.What's even more admirable is that she is working with TWO callings on her life, but has been blessed beyond words can imagine to connect the two and make it work; teaching students with special needs AND singing/performing. After my conversation with her and eventually writing up the article I found myself wishing to be something like her.. so confident and walking with that stride of I-may-look-as-if-I'm-in control-but-God-has-it.. totally. It was the same confidence I saw oozing from Ledisi a couple of weeks ago at the Carter Barron, when she proclaimed that she was "taking you to church in the juke joint." And she did... really. Granted I don't know these singers on a personal level, so I don't know all their struggles and dealings, but it's not hard to see when someone is oozing with that I-got-God confidence and REALLY have it.. I mean REALLY... you can FEEL IT!

I went back to a year ago to that March when Aunt VJ preached her sermon. This is what I had to say then:

Aunt VJ preached from the perspective of how folks can be the walking dead - living a life under the wrong spirit and allowing unnecessary suffering to enter. Choosing God allows life and light to come into your life and bring an unfounded peace. Life is different when you have divine peace.  For me, her message actually coincided with my pastor's message from today - about unlikely candidates of being used/blessed by God.  Earlier in the day I attended my own church and was hit with a reaffirming message that my life does have a purpose. Also, that pain is a part of life and the blessing in pain or hitting a deeper low is being built up. He used the analogy of tall buildings having a deeper foundation in order for it to be supported properly and able to withstand the strength it is built upon.

I would like the think the recent pains happening in my life - from dropping a friend, my grandmother's battle with depression and pre-dementia, becoming restless with this last stage of school, trying to remain sane and patient as a mother and a few other things - that a breaking point and a blessing is near, depending on me of course...if I choose to lean and stay with God. Why else would 2007 be the calm before the storm; even sending me WARNINGS via dreams about swimming and such. Then BAM! the latter part of 2008 and on into 2009 I'm right in the thick of things, shedding more skin, exposing all of me.. the good, bad and sometimes maybe the ugly. Cleansing. Swimming.

What's ironic is that part of the pain was loosing a connection to my former friend; so much so to the point where she stopped really caring and understanding because all she saw was "darkness" in me and I couldn't hack her sometimes true, but sometimes very off the mark observations about me. I think she wasn't ready, because she's never seen the worse of me, but I actually saw it coming. So I removed myself in hopes that it will give us a chance to both grow with God, but not together as a way of not to hinder since we're moving at a different pace. God is working on us differently.

I'm saying all of this to say that again my life has been jarred, but to the point where I don't want all that I do to be for the wrong reasons or even in vain. Going back to school, when I did, was RIGHT ON TIME. However, at the start of last semester I use to think it was the right time because it was my time (my plan of action), but as the semester moved forward I began to see it was the right time because it was God's time. I realized I wasn't ready to deal with the journalism/communications industry fully or to the point where I thought I was. The climate of the industry has changed dramatically with new media reporting coming in at a fast pace and being an all-in-one journalist is in high demand. It is only now that I'm finding out what I'm really made of and if this is one of the blessings or callings that God has for me or was this something that I planned on my life.  Strangely, or maybe not so strange, moments ago I just received a phone call about participating in a project for next year to help set up a press conference. The grant and proposal was being written up as I spoke to the person working on the team. A bit nervous, but with excitement I said yes.

What's funny is that as much as I can't stand anyone with control issues, I have them too. I don't control others, but I try so damn hard to control my life. Honestly I should know better, especially given a few life events that I have been able to testify about where it wasn't me... it was God. This I know for sure.

Still, it's like the old saying "man makes plans and God laughs."

As for what I "wish" I had in regards to that confidence I witnessed a few days ago....

Ironic I stumbled about another proverb. I was digging in my laptop bag when I came across a slip of paper. It was a proverb another friend of mine would have at the bottom of his email as a signature. I liked it to much that I printed it out, cut the paper down to the quote and taped on my comuter at work when I was in the federal government.

It says, "Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect; it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections"

Though I love this proverb and its message I would like to think God's plan is bit more than that. That his ultimate goal is that being happy has to do with Him and with him, everything is perfect because He is with us.. He resides within us. I believe this is confidence is in me, but has been dormant for a while, probably cause I choose to by letting life get to me instead of seeking and leaning on God - continuously.

My crossroad(s) are filled with the four points as outline by my former friend. Unfortunately I've traveled down two of the roads mentioned; The yellow brick road and the road to nowhere. I don't believe I've been down the road of darkness. Granted I've had my bouts with depression, but I've always sought God but what probably didn't help were the times when I added my on imput, my control of the situation. The road to enternal life.... I stare at it and have I really started walking on it? What's funny is as I think about it.. I also think back to one of my new favorite cable shows... Nurse Jackie.

In the opening episode, Jackie is going on via monologue about how nurses are seen as saints and throwing in a little philosophy and theology behind it - especially when people know the difference between right and wrong. One line jumped out at me as Jackie basically rationalizations she knows what's right, but may opt to do the wrong thing in the name of morals. Then she concludes with "don't make me right just yet God." The whole monologue was kind of deep. Granted the show is fictional, whose main character is addicted to pain killers and having an affair, but what's weird is that I sometimes feel like that. As if I know what's right, but for whatever reason I fear I sometimes find myself saying something along those lines... "don't make me right just yet God." As if God is suppose to wait on me and work on my time and schedule. Again, control. 

I believe this is what 2009 has been about for me. Recognizing my control issues (among other things) and eventually letting it go. What's the biggest thing I need to let go and relenquish control of? My pride.

Pride is such a hard thing to let go, especially when you used it to survive (your way) for a very long time. I could probably write a book about how my pride has helped, hindered and hurt me and those around me. It's an old friend that seems to be in permanent residence, perhaps hindering me from walking that enternal life road.

Nevertheless... I'm working on it...

I've been keeping this close to me since I incorporated into something I wrote a year ago. I believe it's my favorite. My reminder of my constant and ever evolving being.

“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you." -  Philippians 3:12 -15 NIV

The more I write on these virtual walls the more I feel as if I have out grown the space. Writing a blog nowadays pretty much feels like a chore. I don't EVER want to feel that like any kind of writing is a chore. So what to do now?

I'll figure it out.

Lately there is much to tell and nothing to tell. The much to tell is pretty much of the same thing.... along the lines of growing, figuring out some things in life in regards to ultimately what do I seek in a relationship and of course the highs ans lows (whatever kind of day it is) with my grandmother's pre-dementia state. Probably why I don't feel like writing none of this is because it feels like beating a dead horse.

The nothing to tell are just little odds and quirks of the day that I either chalk up to be not worth giving a full entry about and do a blip via Twitter or just fleeting thoughts that disappear as quickly as they came.

Last night I had a wonderful time with Papi. We've come to the conclusion there is never a dull moment when we're together. We were stuck in Gay Pride traffic for a bit while heading to a show at the Carter Barron. We made it to the show only to see Kenny Lattimore girate across the stage and more. The dude can sing his ass off though. Then my girl Ledisi hit the stage. Highlight - seeing her strut on stage in RED STILETTOS! (I want her shoes!!) It was my first time seeing Ledisi live and she didn't disappoint. She is a beautiful soul and an excellent performer. I love how she pretty much said she was "having church in the juke joint." Pretty much.... we did.

Naturally after the show Papi and I went out to eat and talked about any and everything; even discussing something as random as "do strobe lights really make things sexier?"  (Janet Jackson fans know what that is about)

Later today I'm heading to Cousin T's "graduation soiree" at her place. I have no clue what I'm wearing.

In regards to summer, my favorite season that I practically live for, I feel "flat" or as if I am coasting along. Normally I don't mind the coasting or content feeling. This time, I can't hack it. I'm tired of it. It's time to break out and do something drastic. Not bad drastic... something good.  

What will it be....

When I thought I wasn't ready... I actually was.

My pride had clouded my judgement then; a few days ago. Today I threw caution to the wind and took a step. I made contact. Said my peace. I received a response and it was a breath of fresh air. Certainly nothing I was expecting.

It was wonderful.

We made our peace.

No more loose ends.

Doors are open. Willing and ready to receive the other. Yet the question still remains of who will walk through whose door first, if at all.

Not sure why I did what I did today. Perhaps still all part of the cleansing process... swimming.

Regardless I'm glad I did.

Between the little clouds of heaven
They thought they saw
The Saviour peeking through.
For little tears of heaven
They mistook the gentle dew,
And believed the tiny flowers
That grew upon the plain
To be souvenirs of Jesus,
The Child, come back again.

-- Pastoral by Langston Hughes

Today felt like dejavu. Last night I had every intention on attending church, but somehow, some way, I was turned off by the idea. Though my mother doesn't hound me like she use to about will I or won't I attend, she does slip in a couple... a few inquires.

"Are you coming to church? It's communion "

That was asked last night.

Again at eight this morning, with an intense voice.

"What are you going to do?"

I was not responsive.

I knew what was going to follow next, a guilt trip.

Like clockwork another inquiry with the guilt trip.

"You talking about having your child dedicated but you won't attend "

Unfortunately for my mother, I didn't hop on board the bus to Guilt World. I knew what that argument was about. My mother has this fear or this "thing" about my low to non attendance coinciding with the bylaws of the church.

Basically if my name drops from the rolls (no longer paying tithes), I'm no longer a member. Therefore non-members are not privileged to certain (and exclusive) rights as church members (paying tithe members) i.e. a wedding, a funeral, (maybe) a dedication of a child, etc. Of course some fees will apply if you are a non-member and for some reason were approved to have an event/ceremony at the church.

For the record, my name is still on the roll as it has been since I was child and was baptized at 8 years old - making me an official member of the church with my very own set of tithing envelopes.

So in my mother's mind, if I were to drop dead today she is nervous as to where my membership stands, because she does not want to funeralize me in a funeral home. Seriously, she has mentioned this to me on numerous occasions. Nevertheless, today's inquiry reminded me so much of the times my mother has hounded me before and suddenly going to church didn't seem like it would be on my own free will. It was a turn off.

Later on, I thought back to an article I read in the current issue of Ebony Magazine (March 2008 with Barak Obama on the cover). I've been wanting to write a serious, thought provoking reaction piece since reading it a few days ago, but I figured I needed to sit down and reflect a bit before doing so.  

The article "Must Christians Go To Church To Be Good Christians?"  was answered in essay form by the Reverend Clarence L. James, an evangelist of the Prince of Peace Sanctified Baptist Church in Chicago and Haki R. Madhubuti, a poet and professor/director of the Master of Fine Arts Program at Chicago State University.

Naturally, Rev. James argued the affirmative by using the connection history African-Americans have with the church dating back to slavery. Yes, it is understood that the church was a haven and a social political construct of a revolution (if you will) to change in the African-American community; from abolition to civil rights. Yet as James laid out the historical facts and put forth a call that "we" should not forget where we came from (in so many words) he took a hit at those of us like me.

"In the 60's, when civil rights victories convinced many of us that we were free, a confused multitude lost their way and began to abandon the church. They gave two primary arguments: they were 'spiritual but not religious, as though the two were separate categories in opposition to each other. And they claimed there were too many hypocrites in church..." (James. Ebony March 2008 p. 148)

Yes.. I am one of those that claim I'm spiritual more than religious. I will admit after reading James' argument it made me think. Why do I really refer to myself as such? James briefly broke down the origin of the term as such;

"...a European thought pattern that compartmentalizes aspects of life and separates the sacred from the secular as if evil owns its part of creation and God has his......Spirituality is not the opposite of religiosity; it is the other side of the coin of holistic humanness. Spirituality is the inner impulse. Religiosity is the outward manifestation." (James, Ebony March 2008 p. 148)

For me, it may not be all that different from James' argument. I do believe in God. My person connection with Him does have a shortage in the fiber optic wiring somewhere, I will admit. While my connection is less than perfect, and despite my flaws as a human, I would like to believe that overall I'm one of the good people walking this earth. Being spiritual to me (remember this is from my personal view) means you have a connection with God, Allah, Yahweh, Jehovah, Buddha, Selassie (whomever your higher power maybe). It maybe perfect or not so perfect.  You're at peace with life and/or at least on a journey to find that inner peace. You respect life. You know what's right and what's wrong. You live a life that may not have that religious euphoria (per se') but a life that does reflect a "live in the light" cliché' of being an overall good person as humanly as possible.

As for the whole religious aspect (again my view) - For the longest time associated being religious with Bible thumpers. Yanno, those that want to ambush you to save your soul all because you had a child out of wedlock, especially as a teenager. Or those that just knew you were the devil's spawn because you were absent from a church pew, but not knowing that you could have been absent because of some "Divine" work you were called to do. I saw a lot of these kinds within my church growing up. However, it wasn't until later on in life I realized that being religious is not all about knowing the Bible front and back and able to quote it word for word. Being religious was not about the self proclaimed warrior who went on a fundamentalist vigilantly hunt to condemn the "unworthy." Yes, I believe there are warriors out here for God, but they aren't of the self righteous.  So all in all, I guess being religious (to me) is encouraging others to live in the path of God (without ambushing, condemning, etc). While in the process of encouraging, you share and fellowship. You pray and study "the word" in order to receive the blessings of God, receive clarity in your life and eventually achieve some kind of euphoric state in the name of love from God.

*whew*

By the end of James' essay, while stating the continued purpose of the church, he also points out why the church has sort of lost its importance in our lives. The very same "freedom" that we have been wanting and perhaps proclaimed by the 60's was a contributing factor. Basically James states that the Black family has abandoned the church - "the spiritual, moral and ecclesiastical ways of our people" - because of the so called "freedom" we were going after. My guess is, he is referring to an age old question I've heard asked countless of times

Did segregation hurt or harm the Black community/family?

However, that question alone can spin off a whole new topic altogether.

The flip side to reading the "to church or not to church" (as I call it) article, was reading Madhubuti's argument. For someone whose absence from a church pew out weighs the "P" for present next to my name, I was shocked to find that I didn't totally agree with all of Madhubuti's arguments. For one, I got the sense that something happened at some point of his growth that angered him and perhaps made him a bit bitter with "the church." He begins his essay with a brief intro about his attitude towards the church, by stating at the age of 13 he left the church his step grandfathered ministered and organized religion altogether. He further explained that the reasons for that are far too complicated and too close to even venture into in his essay.  He also continues to affirm that there are multiple and highly personal reason reasons why African Americans are abandoning the church, especially the men.  Yet, Madhubuti's total growth wasn't all about the church or being spiritually connected through the church.

"Fortunately, in my youthful quest for meaning and selfhood, I discovered black culture in the form of literature, music, history and psychology." (Madhubuti, Ebony March 2008 p. 149)

I thought this was actually great. It is easy to become one-tracked minded about life when you are exposed to one or a few certain elements, "churching" all day and week included. So anything that further expands your mind is excellent as you are becoming or shaping up to be a well-rounded person. Like James, Madhubuti briefly goes through the historical connection of the church and the African-American community, but he also makes a sad point.  The basic point - organized Black religion is failing.

Out of the financial growth of the Black church, it is evident that the storefront church is growing into a mega church that is all about the money, and as Madhubuti describes it;

 "...produced pastors who are celebrities in their own right and demand salaries and economic perks that exceed most CEOs of Black companies and some White ones." (Madhubuti, Ebony Mach 2008. p 149)

You have to wonder. Was it really God's dream to turn the church into an enterprising money machine? During the time I served as the assistant editor of business magazine I was putting together a publication schedule. One topic that I penciled on the schedule was church as a business. I was over JM's house at the time of planning and she and I fell into a small but deep discussion on the topic. Around that time Black Enterprise magazine had just featured three leaders of mega churches on the cover, T.D. Jakes, was one. I was telling her I would like to explore the aspects of church as a small business, especially since I had noticed a few local mega churches and their continuous growth. 

Personally, I never thought there was anything wrong with an expanding church, especially when they are expanding to keep up with the needs and growth of a congregation.  Yet, is there a point where it has gone too far? Does a church really need to have a hair salon connected to it? And yes I am thinking of a local mega church that does have a hair salon connected to it on its complex.

Though I don't remember all of what JM shared with me, I know she was dead set against the mega churches and how much of the faith, healing and religious aspect is removed and commercialism sets in.

Getting back to Madhubuti...

What I didn't (totally) agree with was how Madhubuti described the scene of "many" churches. I will say to his credit he didn't generalize his statement, but I only disagreed with the statement in comparison to my pastor and the current dealings of my church.

"...too many of us are treated to excellent music, comfortable seats and ministers who, when they speak, embarrassingly contribute to the lessening of human knowledge.....Many if not most, of the sermons are anti-intellectual, anti-rational and totally committed to a fundamentalist interpretation of the Bible in 21st century reality." (Madhubuti, Ebony March 2008 p 149)

While I may disagree with this in regards to my church, I had to wonder how many other are or were subjected to such and completely lost faith or their religion. Many can argue that you shouldn't put your faith in a pastor (true) or your total reliance in the church itself and to look beyond the obvious (catty church members, crooked leader). Yet if you are at a vulnerable state in your life wouldn't it be easy to be sucked in or either looks at the obvious unattractive mess and completely discount faith and religion? Both seem easy to do, and unfortunately many choose the second option.

What is also interesting to note is Madhubuti's reference to Stephen Prothero, a White religion professor that recently published Religious Literacy. In paraphrasing Prothero Madhubuti writes;

"The overwhelming majority of American churchgoers, Blacks included, are religious but know very little about religion."  (Madhubuti, Ebony March 2008 p. 149)

As disturbingly unfortunate this is, I highly don't doubt this.  As I have listened to some of my pastor's sermons, some have come off as teachings as he breaks down the tribes within the Bible. A few times I found some of the long standing members look around with dumbfounded expressions. It seemed so obvious they were looking for the usual "The Lord is good" or "do right by the Lord and you'll get to heaven" kind of statements to cosign with an "amen" here and there.

*deep inhale and exhale*

So..now that I've gone through the "trouble" of reflecting and summarizing where do I stand?

While I do think it is equally important to have faith and believe in the higher powers that be (GOD), and to be a student in and of "the word," "the church" is just the icing on the cake. I see (again, this is my personal view) the church as social institution in which you come and fellowship with other Christians or those that share the same common bond with you... common bond being God. So the good thing about this view is, you can easily choose to become involved or not.

There have been plenty of days where I felt misplaced inside my own church because I couldn't relate to whatever what was going on with the church and with me at the time, which is why I stayed absent for a while. However, there have been times when everything seemed to have been on the same plane with me and "the church" and I felt good in attending. Nevertheless, I don't let my involvement or lack of involvement with the church to determine my spiritual contentment or whatever religious euphoric experience.

In case someone is wondering why I left the church, I would like to clarify.. I never left my church. I just remained absent for countless Sundays and events, because of the current state of my life at the time. That's another topic altogether. However, what I will admit is that I did manage to hold onto my faith and the days I did or have made it "back" to church are when I feel I need a tune up from something I can't get on the "outside."

So in short (too late) while the church.. a real humble and honest church.. is still important in the community, it still should not be used in a way to control one's life or in a self righteous way. Just because a Christian doesn't attend church on a regular basis, if at all, doesn't make them a demon spawn or an abomination.

Like everything else in life, religion practices change. Perhaps with all the conveniences of today's world, it has spilled over to the religious sect. People, Christian or not, tend to practice their belief on what fits them and their life - the convenience of it all.

As I say.. you do you, just as long as you believe in some kind of faith that seeks and respects the greater good of mankind.

Urban Hymns

The Verve

Only a couple of days away from 2007  and I still don't know what to make of 2006. Were there any accomplishments? Yes. Were there any setbacks? Perhaps. Joys? Of course. Pain? Not as much as the last few previous years. This is progress right?

The only thing disappointing about 2006 was my high expectations I had in going through a transition in life.  I knew going into the year that change would not occur overnight. However, I think I did expect too much out of my change, especially when I took on the writer/editor job with the communications firm.  I think my disappointment in the year lies with my disappointment in that job.  I went in with my ambitions high and all my potentials...of things I wanted to see happen with myself professionally as an upcoming journalist and the magazine as it struggled to find its rhythm.  Where did things go wrong with me and that job?  I think it was just bad chemistry altogether between me and the boss.  After I regained consciousness from the honeymoon phase of the job, I was jolted into reality but somehow found myself in a simular plot of "The Devil Wears Prada."  It wasn't that extreme, but still....

Do I have any regrets about that job and then resigning at such an inopportune time?  There are no regrets as the job did help me to continue to build my contacts, add some extra weight to my resume and exposed me a little more to the political and social lime light that natives and non-natives of DC thrive off of.  I miss it a tad, but that's only because I became friends with my co-workers at the firm and do cherish them.  Yet, I had to move on.

What I am proud of is the fact that I lived my mantra for the year, "Let's Be Young." I didn't sulk in my misery and I made bold choices that I use to make without a care in the word...just stepped out on faith.  I lived in 2006.  It was the first time in a while that I felt as if I lived for me. I'm proud of myself for doing that and I pray that I continue to do this. In doing this, I noticed that my relationship with my mother seemed to strengthen.  Our days of clashing seemed to have halted.  Sure we still have our days where she or I are a little edgy and may take it out on each other, but it only last within a day or two.  Maybe it's because she finally gets it, I'm my own person with my own life. Though I may still live under her roof, I'm not the docile daughter anymore.  I honor and obey her, yes. However, when it comes to me, I think first about what I want out of a situation and not my mother. 

Of course what has me stumped and a bit overwhelmed is my lastest dealings in being a mother.  To think, this time last year, I wasn't thinking about a baby.  I was actually listening to my friend Mr. MID go on and on about his situation with his two kids and their mothers.  I would have never "thunk it" that I would be pregnant by the end of the year.  My feelings or emotions are still pretty tangled, but with each passing day I'm working on how to connect with my child. I find myself rubbing my belly more often. I smile when I feel it move around like a gymnist, especially when it reacts to a certain sound or a certain food I'm digesting. I try to accomodate it by sleeping in an unfamilar sleeping position. I dream of positive "happy mother/daughter or mother/son" moments where I'm with my child and it does something silly to make me laugh. Then I have this cloud of fear that hovers near.  My old nightmares of miscarriages reappear. 

Normally, a miscarriage in a dream isn't literal. There is a spiritual meaning behind it in which there is some sort of rebirth going on in your life.  Yet, under the current circumstances, I can't help but to think that the miscarriage dreams are in a literal sense.  I fear the steps in my house, because I know how clumbsy I can be, especially in heels (yes I'm still wearing heels pretty much while pregnant).

I worry if I'm eating right. The voices in my head won't shut up.

Pop that pre natal pill.

You want to make sure the baby fully develops.

Stop eating all that chocolate.

Did you eat a decent breakfast today?

Yes... eat more veggies....

Cut the pasta! You know it turns to sugar.

Yes.. turkey bacon and scrapple is good for you.

You aren't craving that, you just think you are.

This motherhood thing is just so new for me.  It does start while they are in the womb...you being responsible for another life. To think, I have this person with me for the rest of my life....

I don't know what 2007 will bring. I can't tell you anything that I wish to come with the new year...except..... further growth in my life and prosperity.  I can't think of a mantra to live by for 2007..unless I just continue with the theme I had for this year... being young.  Afterall, I can still be the hip responsible mother that will have her child at her hip for this, this and that.

Wait.... I'm not Kimora Lee-Simmons or any other celebrity mother, but damnit with all that I still have left to accomplish my child will be with me... more book publishing, more freelance projects....and maybe just may when I jump start the documentary I want to work on.

While I may not a specific theme for 2007, there is one song that I've permanently attached to my life....

Bittersweet Symphony as performed by The Verve, but written by Mick Jager.

I'm actually jealous that I didn't write the song and compose it.  The violins......they get me everytime.

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony this life
Trying to make ends meet, you're a slave to the money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet, yeah
No change, I can't change, I can't change, I can't change,
but I'm here in my mold , I am here in my mold
But I'm a million different people from one day to the next
I can't change my mold, no, no, no, no, no

Well, I've never prayed,
But tonight I'm on my knees, yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind , I feel free now
But the airwaves are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

No change, I can't change, I can't change, I can't change,
but I'm here in my mold , I am here with my mold
And I'm a million different people from one day to the next
I can't change my mold, no, no, no, no, no

(Well have you ever been down?)
(I can't change, I can't change...)
(Ooooohhhhh...)

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony this life
Trying to make ends meet, trying to find some money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet, yeah
You know I can't change, I can't change, I can't change,
but I'm here in my mold, I am here in my mold
And I'm a million different people from one day to the next
I can't change my mold, no,no,no,no,no
I can't change my mold, no,no,no,no,no
I can't change my mold, no,no,no,no,no

(You got your sex and your violence melody and silence)
(You got your sex and your violence melody and silence)
(I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down)
(It justs sex and violence melody and silence)
(I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down)
(Been down)
(Ever been down)
(Ever been down)(Lalalalalalaaaaaaaa...)
(Ever been down)
(Ever been down)
(Have you ever been down?)
(Have you ever been down?)
(Have you ever been down?)