8 posts tagged “friendships”

Something feels funny in my world, but I can't put my finger on it.

Each day I over the mouse over my personal blog and then the newest one I'm keeping just for writing. Each day I hover near those sites, because a thought hits me and I feel as if I need to share. Somehow I manage to always get sidetracked with the writing blog.So great topics have arose or have been brought to my attention. However, either I can't sit still long enough to focus and write a thought out entry, or as with something more recent I look for ways to make it to a full fledge article to pitch.

My personal blog(s) are a different story. Normally I only rush to share when something earth shattering happens or when drama is around. Yet lately neither of those is the case. I don't feel as compelled to write in them anymore. 

The only thing close to earth shattering is what took place this past Sunday. I ran into someone from the past. The one who perhaps I was his favorite memory; based on  the last conversation(s) we had nearly three years ago. Even still, the encounter wasn't anything to write home about. I didn't see stars and my tongue wasn't hanging out as if panting while hanging onto his every word. Though friendly, cordial and carrying a few smiles I really shooed him away by cutting the conversation short. Nothing was appealing. Even though he still had the teddy bear build that use to pull me in, I wanted to flee. He ooozed of bull shit and I didn't have time. He read my body language as I hurried around the car, rushing to take the Snickerdoodle to a birthday party that we were already an hour late for. I was able to leave and move forward with my day in peace.

I shared the ordeal with Papi as we've been comparing notes lately. People from his past have been popping up too. It's funny, but it never fails. Everytime you acknowledge that you are in a relationship, people from the past pop up on cue as if to say "Hey I'm here to screw with your happiness." The refreshing thing is, Papi and I talk about our past and current feelings when we compare these notes on our "ghosts" or "critters" as he likes to call them. The interesting thing is our insecurities don't even come in the picture as we talk about these things.  I think we just like to sit and analyze each other's past friend/relationships and figure out if we're carrying anything over from them into what we have going.

Aside from the encounter, I did have a couple of perculiar dreams. One of which included another former friend's feet in slingback (shoes) but her heels being ashy. Interesting enough, in the dream I felt myself trying to dodge her because I wanted to avoid eye contact. When I finally see her, I immediately notice her feet; in the slingbacks and with ashy heels. Eventually I notice her stare as she looks at me. Then I wake up.

I read somewhere where dreams like to play on words. For one, the immediate symbol of feet is freedom, liberation, mobility, but the condition of the feet, especially the soles (which can be a pun of some sort for soul), is another story. Every symbol I've looked up for feet has told me all the degrees and theorems for the condition of feet. However, nothing on feet with ashy heels. Since the heel is pretty much part of the sole, I can only conclude there is something in my soul, or in the former friend's soul that isn't completely smooth when it comes to us. Maybe it has something to do with my encounter on Sunday, since I had the dream two days prior, and how I pretty much dimissed dude without a second thought.

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So in the midst of writing this I've received the biggest news ever! My two old best friends from elementary/jr. high are pregnant at the same time and are DUE around the same time. I'm gushing with glee it's bananas. "K" announced hers yesterday and today "Nik" made her announcement. I just got off the phone with Nik and boy did we catch up. Long over due, since the last time we spoke/hung out was during our sophomore year in college. "K" and I have been communicating back and forth via Twitter. I need to plan a reunion of some sort. I miss those "girls."

In talking with Nik tonight I feel kind of bad that I wasn't there for her during her "lost" times. Then again, during the time she was going through her drama I was going through my own. What help would I have been then? Still this was my girl. Her, K and myself were tight growing up. It was nothing (back then) to give up the last whatever or do whatever for the other(s).

As we've been reconnecting through technological advances, it has been interesting to see how we turned out in our adult lives. Though I'm not trying to relive the days of yester-years, I love how something in the present seems to slowly gel us together. For the most part I'll always believe we'll have our connection - for as many times as we hung out at each other's houses and blended with each other's families.  Yet, our time a part has made things seem refreshing....

It's refreshing that we are reconnecting and getting to know one another (as adults) again.

Actually it's a beautiful thing.

Perhaps there has been a shift in my world and I'm just coasting along........

Through the rainy weather, my 2 year-old's busy body-ness, and finding the right dress to wear in quasi-renovation mess, I made it to church. As usual, when I arrived and stepped into the sacred space I felt at home. After all it's only the church I grew up in. Still having big gaps in my attendance, it's not hard for me to feel like a "newbie" in my own church, even if I do know all the "secret" passage ways or back steps to move to all three levels.  

Today, not having enough patience to have the busy body of the Snickerdoodle sit with me during service, I took my mother's suggestion from the night before. I placed her downstairs in the "children's church." For her age group, the chaperons were folks I know well of course, but one looked at me as if she had no clue who I was. Guess I've really be gone. Another recognized me right away and immediately began to "make friends" with the Snickerdoodle. At first she wasn't having it. It didn't matter if other children her age were in the room and eating snacks, my Snickerdoodle didn't want any parts. It took a passing member of the "security ministry" to drop in and coax my daughter into staying. With my help of pulling out her juice and small baggie of animal crackers I prepared for her, it worked! She took a seat and began to make her presence know by talking to everyone in the room.

I slipped out and went upstairs to the sanctuary. For a while I couldn't get into the service for being nervous about the Snickerdoodle. What if she needed me, would they be able to find me in the sanctuary? A couple of time I even thought that deacons and ushers standing in the cove area were looking for me as I spotted them staring in my direction ---- clearly on the other side of the church. However, I began to relax once I realized I was acting silly and I needed to calm my mini trip down paranoid lane down.

The pastor was underway in starting with the word or the message for the day. As he spoke on a parable found in Luke, about a rich man who had EVERYTHING and God commanded him to sell EVERYTHING to the poor because he lacked one thing, I found myself in a tug of war with my thoughts. I wondered just how pure my heart is in thinking and executing things. I mean well, but how often is it that my good intentions aren't all what they seem?

I recognize there a couple of things I've been dealing with in my own heart and mind. What kills me is how obsessive I have been about it, to the point where my pure thoughts may turn into venom guised as good intentions. That's awful, but it's been happening. Thankfully it's all thoughts and no actions. I'm going to be in prayer about this, because really this is just not a good thing to be harboring.

What's been lingering in my heart and mind, I've been trying to figure out how to stop obsessing over them. I want to pull away completely, but how do I do so without hurting potential innocent bystanders? Again... I need to be in prayer about this.

For the most part, this phase of my transition still feels a bit heavy. I'm still "swimming," not sure when I will surface. Interesting enough, I had a creepy dream a few days ago. Don't remember all of it, but the main part was finding out that a close friend of mine had died. I couldn't get to him, not even to the funeral. In the dream I was calm but I still tried to get to him, maybe even feeling a bit guilty for not being there fully for him since he lives in another state. Yet when I woke up, I wasn't disturbed by the dream. It was fresh and very vivid in my mind when I immediately awoke, but still... I was calm and unmoved.

In reality, my friend Mr. Sigma who lives in Miami, was recently in the hospital going through surgery. I didn't know he was back in the hospital (he battles diabetes and is in and out the hospital often) until after the fact. Still in light of that situation, I didn't take my dream too literal. Though I did question Mr. Sigma's health, I kind of looked at it from the perspective that some part of my past is dying or is dead. I was trying to think of anything from my past that I feel guilty about because I couldn't save it. A few things came to mind. No exact moment or situation.

I didn't go up to the alter for alter call near the end of church service. Part of me wanted to, but the other part felt paralyzed. So I prayed in my pew. Benediction soon followed and after showing love to individual church family members, I whisked down the back steps to the lower level. I picked up the Snickerdoodle (who put on a pitiful face when she saw me despite a report that she talked and was friendly the whole time) from children's church, I left the building and headed home.

The rest of the day was fairly quiet as I helped the family cook tonight's dinner and managed to squeeze in a nap. At some point today, all I could think about was growing new skin as I turn 30. This skin has been morphing a long time, can't wait to see the result, come the end of this year.

It's safe to say that I, like millions of others, find myself in shock and speechless about yesterday's passing of Michael Jackson. What's crazy is I use to "fear" this day. Meaning, I use to wonder what the WORLD would do in reaction to the news of a Michael Jackson death. I seriously use to wonder about this as a kid.  I suspect that Michael Jackson's funeral (at least memorial service) will be very public and world wide. I wouldn't even be surprised if he received some kind of "state" funeral (or something like it) with accolades galore."

I'm an 80's baby. So I never got to experience "Little Michael" say like someone in my aunt's generation, who use to play her Jackson 5 albums to death; especially the song "ABC." When I came on the scene it was merely on the heels of his "Off the Wall" album and "Thriller" was not long behind. The rest [as they say] is HIStory. Fortunately I grew up in the era of Michael's "glory" days, when he was solidfied and a bonifide pop icon. So I feel rightful in standing in line with millions of others and make the claim I grew up with and on Michael Jackson. Though I never been to a Michael Jackson concert, I have the video footage from documentaries and such on his life that show the crying and overwhelmed fans passing out and being carried out at the shows. It WAS that deep...at least for them.

Obviously, I didn't know Michael personally or any of the Jacksons for that matter, but still my heart has been feeling kind of heavy. This week has caught me off gaurd completely, but it's more than Michael's death and even the deaths of TV personality Ed McMahon who passed earlier this week and actress Farrah Fawcett who passed hours earlier before Michael after a long fight with anal cancer. Maybe what rattled me this week was the unbelievable and indescribable local news (that went national) of the two red line metro transit trains that collided. Dozens were injured and nine people parished; two included a retired general and his wife my father knew from The Gaurd. Maybe what really did it was news of my next door neighbor, who was entering his home and was jumped on by some teens and pistol whipped in an attempted robbery the other night, while I've been in the house alone with my 2 year old for nearly two weeks now.

Nevertheless, in wake of the recent events, I can't help but feel reminded and faced dead on with the reality of immortality. On the day of the train accident, a fellow school-mate of mine (who is in his early 20's) updated his Facebook status to say he was on one of the trains in the accident, but wasn't injured, just in shock. Someone responded to his comment with "it wasn't your time."  Yesterday I thought to how Farah Fawcett was determined to beat her cancer and looked forward to a victory of living cancer free. Her plans took her as far as Germany where she met and had a team of doctors working with her on the latest treaments unknown or unauthorized in The States. Then I thought how Michael Jackson came out this passed March to proclaim his final curtain call will be concluding with a series of concerts given in London scheduled for this coming July. How odd is it that Michael Jackson and the unsuspecting folks in the Metro accident made their own plans - like the 23 year-old mother and owner of a beauty salon leaving work and was on the train in route planning to pick up her kids - but God had another plan....

That seems to be the nature of human beings, always planning and strategizing in an effort to control our life.  Yet something more powerful than us is in control and sadly it always takes something so catastrophic, such as the trifecta of death, to point this out. 

Curious to know other thoughts concerning Michael's death, I did something I haven't done in months. I looked up a former friend's blog as she has been documenting her Christian/spiritual journey. I was curious to know her spin on this and to see another Christian's perspective on the recent nationalized deaths of three celebrities and the nine local, everyday people who were lost in the train wreck (especially, since she rides that exact line and route to and from work).  Nothing posted on current events, but instead I stumbled upont her entry "At a Crossroads," where she breaks down four different roads people take in life.

1. The Yellow Brick Road: where she states the obvious of how people who have "made it" or reached a level of success and think it's all God, but really it's a faux life. Meaning, people who reach this status have all the materialistic gains of such a life, but there is still a void, because God isn't fully (if at all) in their lives.  She qoutes Psalm 14:12 (NIV) - "There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to destruction."

2. The Road to Nowhere: here she breaks down how this describes people who are stuck right at the their crossroads in life. Instead of making a move they sit and spectate and acutally maybe comfortable in during so. She quotes: Leviticus 26: 13-20 (NIV) - "I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt so that you would no longer be slaves to the Egyptians; I broke the bars of your yoke and enabled you to walk with heads held high.

 'But if you will not listen to me and carry out all these commands, and if you reject my decrees and abhor my laws and fail to carry out all my commands and so violate my covenant, then I will do this to you: I will bring upon you sudden terror, wasting diseases and fever that will destroy your sight and drain away your life. You will plant seed in vain, because your enemies will eat it. I will set my face against you so that you will be defeated by your enemies; those who hate you will rule over you, and you will flee even when no one is pursuing you. "

 'If after all this you will not listen to me, I will punish you for your sins seven times over. I will break down your stubborn pride and make the sky above you like iron and the ground beneath you like bronze. Your strength will be spent in vain, because your soil will not yield its crops, nor will the trees of the land yield their fruit."

3. The Road of Darkness: here she talks about the folks who basically get to their crossroads and walk backwards in their life journey. They may even reject the word of God; the "mentally and spiritually screwed up" as she refers to such individuals. She quotes Romans 1:28 (NIV) - "Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done. "

4. The Road to Enternal Life: basically this is the life in which God has you in His care, if you choose Him and this road. Ironically she quoted a verse that I have kept close to me ever since my Aunt VJ preached on it (the whole chapter) during her initial sermon a year ago - also the day after her (step) son's passing. It was such an emotional and bittersweet moment in my life. Deutoronomy 30:19 (NIV) - "I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that you and your descendants may live."

How surreal this keeps coming up in my life?

Recently I had the opportunity to interview a talented, business savy, indpendently produced singer for an online music publication. My conversation with her felt so reaffirmming and pretty much a testimony to what she has accomplished in her life and continues to do so.What's even more admirable is that she is working with TWO callings on her life, but has been blessed beyond words can imagine to connect the two and make it work; teaching students with special needs AND singing/performing. After my conversation with her and eventually writing up the article I found myself wishing to be something like her.. so confident and walking with that stride of I-may-look-as-if-I'm-in control-but-God-has-it.. totally. It was the same confidence I saw oozing from Ledisi a couple of weeks ago at the Carter Barron, when she proclaimed that she was "taking you to church in the juke joint." And she did... really. Granted I don't know these singers on a personal level, so I don't know all their struggles and dealings, but it's not hard to see when someone is oozing with that I-got-God confidence and REALLY have it.. I mean REALLY... you can FEEL IT!

I went back to a year ago to that March when Aunt VJ preached her sermon. This is what I had to say then:

Aunt VJ preached from the perspective of how folks can be the walking dead - living a life under the wrong spirit and allowing unnecessary suffering to enter. Choosing God allows life and light to come into your life and bring an unfounded peace. Life is different when you have divine peace.  For me, her message actually coincided with my pastor's message from today - about unlikely candidates of being used/blessed by God.  Earlier in the day I attended my own church and was hit with a reaffirming message that my life does have a purpose. Also, that pain is a part of life and the blessing in pain or hitting a deeper low is being built up. He used the analogy of tall buildings having a deeper foundation in order for it to be supported properly and able to withstand the strength it is built upon.

I would like the think the recent pains happening in my life - from dropping a friend, my grandmother's battle with depression and pre-dementia, becoming restless with this last stage of school, trying to remain sane and patient as a mother and a few other things - that a breaking point and a blessing is near, depending on me of course...if I choose to lean and stay with God. Why else would 2007 be the calm before the storm; even sending me WARNINGS via dreams about swimming and such. Then BAM! the latter part of 2008 and on into 2009 I'm right in the thick of things, shedding more skin, exposing all of me.. the good, bad and sometimes maybe the ugly. Cleansing. Swimming.

What's ironic is that part of the pain was loosing a connection to my former friend; so much so to the point where she stopped really caring and understanding because all she saw was "darkness" in me and I couldn't hack her sometimes true, but sometimes very off the mark observations about me. I think she wasn't ready, because she's never seen the worse of me, but I actually saw it coming. So I removed myself in hopes that it will give us a chance to both grow with God, but not together as a way of not to hinder since we're moving at a different pace. God is working on us differently.

I'm saying all of this to say that again my life has been jarred, but to the point where I don't want all that I do to be for the wrong reasons or even in vain. Going back to school, when I did, was RIGHT ON TIME. However, at the start of last semester I use to think it was the right time because it was my time (my plan of action), but as the semester moved forward I began to see it was the right time because it was God's time. I realized I wasn't ready to deal with the journalism/communications industry fully or to the point where I thought I was. The climate of the industry has changed dramatically with new media reporting coming in at a fast pace and being an all-in-one journalist is in high demand. It is only now that I'm finding out what I'm really made of and if this is one of the blessings or callings that God has for me or was this something that I planned on my life.  Strangely, or maybe not so strange, moments ago I just received a phone call about participating in a project for next year to help set up a press conference. The grant and proposal was being written up as I spoke to the person working on the team. A bit nervous, but with excitement I said yes.

What's funny is that as much as I can't stand anyone with control issues, I have them too. I don't control others, but I try so damn hard to control my life. Honestly I should know better, especially given a few life events that I have been able to testify about where it wasn't me... it was God. This I know for sure.

Still, it's like the old saying "man makes plans and God laughs."

As for what I "wish" I had in regards to that confidence I witnessed a few days ago....

Ironic I stumbled about another proverb. I was digging in my laptop bag when I came across a slip of paper. It was a proverb another friend of mine would have at the bottom of his email as a signature. I liked it to much that I printed it out, cut the paper down to the quote and taped on my comuter at work when I was in the federal government.

It says, "Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect; it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections"

Though I love this proverb and its message I would like to think God's plan is bit more than that. That his ultimate goal is that being happy has to do with Him and with him, everything is perfect because He is with us.. He resides within us. I believe this is confidence is in me, but has been dormant for a while, probably cause I choose to by letting life get to me instead of seeking and leaning on God - continuously.

My crossroad(s) are filled with the four points as outline by my former friend. Unfortunately I've traveled down two of the roads mentioned; The yellow brick road and the road to nowhere. I don't believe I've been down the road of darkness. Granted I've had my bouts with depression, but I've always sought God but what probably didn't help were the times when I added my on imput, my control of the situation. The road to enternal life.... I stare at it and have I really started walking on it? What's funny is as I think about it.. I also think back to one of my new favorite cable shows... Nurse Jackie.

In the opening episode, Jackie is going on via monologue about how nurses are seen as saints and throwing in a little philosophy and theology behind it - especially when people know the difference between right and wrong. One line jumped out at me as Jackie basically rationalizations she knows what's right, but may opt to do the wrong thing in the name of morals. Then she concludes with "don't make me right just yet God." The whole monologue was kind of deep. Granted the show is fictional, whose main character is addicted to pain killers and having an affair, but what's weird is that I sometimes feel like that. As if I know what's right, but for whatever reason I fear I sometimes find myself saying something along those lines... "don't make me right just yet God." As if God is suppose to wait on me and work on my time and schedule. Again, control. 

I believe this is what 2009 has been about for me. Recognizing my control issues (among other things) and eventually letting it go. What's the biggest thing I need to let go and relenquish control of? My pride.

Pride is such a hard thing to let go, especially when you used it to survive (your way) for a very long time. I could probably write a book about how my pride has helped, hindered and hurt me and those around me. It's an old friend that seems to be in permanent residence, perhaps hindering me from walking that enternal life road.

Nevertheless... I'm working on it...

I've been keeping this close to me since I incorporated into something I wrote a year ago. I believe it's my favorite. My reminder of my constant and ever evolving being.

“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you." -  Philippians 3:12 -15 NIV

The wave has hit me again.  I know what it is and what causes. It’s mother nature during her work. Still somehow I feel grateful when the wave hits. The wave of emotions that cause me to pull into myself and dive deep into an abyss of introspective thinking.  My truths are revealed, but what I do with them in the end varies.

This time I see a lot of things.  For starters a few people have reminded me that no one is perfect. Flaws and scars are mixed in with the make up that makes up so “great”  A homogenous mix.  The thought or reminder came has two people I’ve had several conversations with shared their break down. One flashed a melancholy status line on her internet page, a far cry from the confident and fiery chic I had gotten to know. The other, a model/single, shared her weight story in the current issue of Heart & Soul Magazine.  Later I told her I appreciated her honesty in her article.

From this I thought how just about everyone has some kind of judgment about everyone and/or everything. Though I try not to judge, I’m sure I do. I hate being judged or even judging.  With the two persons from my above paragraph, it’s pretty safe to say I did have some kind of judgment about them. It wasn’t negative.  I just saw them a certain way based on the conversations I have had with them and knowing what I already knew about them. Yet, in the past couple of days my judgments didn’t matter.

Instead I wanted to shed a tear or two, because I realized they struggled with something in their life just like me.  They aren’t perfect.  Who was I to judge them as if they were?  One of the things that I’m glad LAF opened up about was the fact that during our friendship she placed me on a pedestal, causing her to be judgmental towards me.  That was such a relief to hear because for most of our friendship I as if I were being judged, which made it hard for me to be real with her.  Just like me, nobody is perfect….

Just like me….

Since Jill Scott has opened up about her pregnancy I’ve been feeling weird. Like kismet weird. Maybe it’s because most people that know me have always compared me to her on so many levels that it just stuck. So it’s not unnatural that when I listen to her or read her poetry that I find myself in the “amen corner.” Yet reading her pregnancy story makes me want to shed more tears.  I cry because it’s me all over again. Mainly the whole being told that I may never conceive or if I wanted to I would have to try fertility drugs and “out of the blue” a seed is planted…that’s me.

I know I wrote about Jill’s pregnancy before, but this time, after reading her cover article in Heart & Soul, I ended up flashing back.  I began to feel shame, because the one thing I was trying to get rid of in the heat of desperation, anger and confusion, many women (and men) desperately want. I knew I was thinking selfishly at the time, only seeing how MY life would be ruined, and failing to realize that the Snickerdoodle is basically the ultimate blessing.

Towards the end of the article, Jill offers advice to women struggling to have a baby.

“Until God grants you the blessing of a child, be grateful for what you have, remain open for what you want and be thankful for the blessings when they flow.”

Monday, March 30 will be exactly two years since the Snickerdoodle made her earthly appearance. It’s been a rough ride.  There have been plenty of smiles, but just as many tears (for both happy and sad).  Having a kid brings on so much, especially when you are being the parent alone. It’s rewarding, it’s think less (if you are responsible enough) but it’s challenging.  Again, I’m not the perfect mom with a good list of first-time mommy faux pas under my belt, but I can’t even begin to imagine life without the Snickerdoodle.

The letters. When I go back and read the letters I had written to her, then as an unborn with sex unknown, I tear up. My pain was very real. Deep down I didn’t want to let her go, but I felt I had to.  Thought then it was more selfish to keep her around in the midst of a loveless god forbidden relationship. But of course her existence was bigger than me, bigger than her dad.  She has a purpose.

Purpose…

Push: A Novel

Sapphire

I started reading Push by Sapphire. I committed myself to reading the book before the movie comes out later this year (the name of the movie was changed from Push to Precious).  I knew what the plot was about before reading, so I went in knowing what to expect. Still my heart got heavy a few times.  I want to look up the back story on the book and find out more about Sapphire. Was the plot based from a true story? Was some elements her?  Even if it is fictionalized it speaks to so many truths for young girls everywhere.

Push is about an illiterate teenage girl, Precious, who has endured sexual and verbal abuse from her mother and father. She ends up pregnant, twice, by her father. During the birth of her first child (a girl born with down syndrome)  Precious encounters a “Spanish” man who is one of the EMS crew that helps her deliver. He is the one constantly telling her to push during her delivery, and this has been Precious’ motivation. She “pushes” pass her limitations to seek a better life for herself and children. She slowly begins to see that she isn’t stupid and invisible as she thinks. She does have a purpose.

 In reading about her abuse, especially from her father, lumps have been forming in my throat. It’s a fear that (perhaps) may never go away. It’s something that I’ve mentioned in my blog before, that I’ve told Brandon about, JM and even Papi. It’s a fear I have for the Snickerdoodle. It’s something that I just can’t even let my guard down about, especially as a single mom with a daughter.

It takes a certain evil kind to do something so horrific to a child. My closest friends that have gone through, I grew to hate their mothers more than the (step) father that did it, because the mothers lived in denial and refused to accept the truth (in one instance the mother stayed married to the guy.. still is) and didn’t protect their child/my friend(s).  Still, I made a vow that I would not be that naïve mother. I would not be the mother crying on the news because some man looked that damn good so good that it is beyond belief that he would touch my child.

Papi I trust. He was once married and raised two step children. He was their father more than their biological. They still call him for everything. Though he wants to cut ties because he is no longer with their mother, he doesn’t.  Honestly, I don’t think he can. Probably feel as if he is neglecting is own children.

Still being a protective mother I can’t help but to have some kind of caution when it comes to him and the Snickerdoodle. I hate that I have even an inkling, because it is a matter of trust.  We’ve been going “on” for two years and some months. He was there before the Snickerdoodle and after. So why do I fight?

I’m a fighter.

I fight life hard. Funny thing is, things or maybe even people I don’t want, still come after me. More like a magnetic pull.  A couple of folks have hinted that I’ve met my husband. I reject it. I fight the notion. I pull out my mental dry erase board and begin the pros and cons of life, formulate a hypothesis, create formulas and theorems to make it make sense to me, when it reality it doesn’t.

Because the reality is, when I wake up in the morning for class, I see that red light to my blackberry blinking. I know it’s him. I know it’s him leaving a message to say “good morning, have a good day at school. Can’t wait to see you.”  My heart will feel heavy because I refuse to release, accept or admit that this is real and my eyes will form tears for they won’t fall because I’m too much in denial to let them.

Yet I don’t see all of this when mother nature is not around. Like the confrontation bitch she is, she shows me when she is on the horizon of arriving.

When I thought I wasn't ready... I actually was.

My pride had clouded my judgement then; a few days ago. Today I threw caution to the wind and took a step. I made contact. Said my peace. I received a response and it was a breath of fresh air. Certainly nothing I was expecting.

It was wonderful.

We made our peace.

No more loose ends.

Doors are open. Willing and ready to receive the other. Yet the question still remains of who will walk through whose door first, if at all.

Not sure why I did what I did today. Perhaps still all part of the cleansing process... swimming.

Regardless I'm glad I did.

"Look at the stars.
Look how they shine for you and all the things you do
And they were all yellow.."

- Yellow by Coldplay.

Things are bit crazy. I'm a bit discombobulated, but hanging tough. So much to expound on, but so little time to do so. Life is progressing well. 2009 is in full swing. The pace for the renovations have quickened. Walls have been placed and plastered. Closet doors are in position. The master suite bathroom appliances are being installed along with the copper pipes for the plumbing.

The Snickerdoodle's new room is a goregeous lemon yellow. Bright and airy. I felt a bit freaked out when I saw it. Not that I didn't like the color, but it was the exact color I had planned for her initially when I was pregnant and was making plans to move to Old Town Alexandria, VA. My vision was... or rather is.... her room a shade of yellow and my room the Tiffany blue hue. My room will be last to work on since it's still on the old part of the house. The budget only called for paint and stuff for the new addition.

The Inauguration was crazy! In a good way and in some instances almost scary as I witnessed overwhelmed people falling ill and passing out. Still This city was flooded with people from.... every corner of the earth. I didn't do too much over the weekend. Just a night out with Papi. We had to see Notorious, the biopic on Christopher Wallace aka Notorious B.I.G.  

Tuesday, Inauguration Day, I was in the thick of things getting a story. Though for much of the whole day I was in warmth, covering the watch party at the Wilson Building, it was still a sight to behold.

My photo album via flickr is here -----> http://www.flickr.com/photos/mahoganie/sets/72157612628442877/

Currently I'm working on two journalism assignments. It's nothing big, but it's bugging the hell outta me right now, especially when the deadline is tomorrow. I can't concentrate today for some reason. I have a lot on my plate, especially those with deadlines of March 1. I want to knock those out of the way before my birthday weekend in Feburary.

Ah! The birthday. I still don't have any real plans. Perhaps a small gathering for dessert/happy hour at Coco Sala, a boutique-ish chocolate bar/lounge on the F Street corridor. Actually I wouldn't mind if it were just Papi and I for this. Really though.. my mind can't wrap around my birthday right now. Too much to do before it. Ha!

What I am loving right now is how I'm (re-)connecting with old.. old.. OLD friends. I finally broke down and joined the dreaded Facebook. For one I'm completely floored that everyone and their momma (literally) is on Facebook; even A LOT of well known who's who of my community and other affluent DC circles. Anywho, on my first night on the site, I surfed around trying to figure it out. I stumbled across my old friend "Kay." Normally I don't claim any best friends, but I had to Kay would be one and my other close buddy "Nik." All three of us practically grew up together as we attended the same school from pre-k to the 8th.

We kept in touch every now and then, but by adulthood we had lost touch with each other. Well more so Nik and I lost touch with Kay. With Nik and I anytime we reconnect it's like we never missed a beat. We would have to play a little catch up but otherwise things would flow smoothly. I haven't really seen Kay since Nik had a house/pool party during our freshman year in college and I hadn't really talked to her since a year after the party. So to run into her Facebook was totally ... AWESOME!

So far we've been exchanging emails and added each other on Twitter. Hopefully we can find time to really connect in person. In a lot of instances I really do miss the "tight as glue" bond I had with Nik and Kay. These are the chicas that have known me the longest... practically since birth. Granted a lot as changed in our lives and our bond is a little looser.. we still have remained connected. More than likely we'll be connected, especially since our families were each other's families. Our families apparently still ask us about each other.

Aside from connecting with Kay, what has me even more vexed is that once I linked to Kay on Facebook, the site dug deep(er) into their database match making system and found more of my old friends from the same school. I'm linked up to quite a few of them and while it may sound corny... it's exciting. It's like a mini (virtual) reunion. Folks I haven't seen since the 8th grade or at Nik's party in college and to have them remember me and moments that we had with each other. These folks were part of my extended family. All of us traveled together from grade to grade, growing up as a group of siblings. We fought like cats and dogs with each other, but really we were thick as thieves if you messed with our class.

As I've read through some of the profiles I was shocked to see who hooked up and got married, who has children, who is gay, who is still in school (like me), who grew up to be such a butterfly, who grew up to be such a "stud," and etc.

Ironically I miss those days more then I do my high school and (intial) undergraduate years.

Yet.. such is life.

Early Sunday morning, after I wrote my Emotional Slut confessional, I flipped through channels and eventually stopped at one of the televised church services. Sometimes, if I'm lucky I'll catch my girl Joyce Meyer. However, early Sunday brought on someone who is local in the DC metro area. A female pastor with a church in Woodbridge, VA was speaking on betrayal. I missed the part of her sermon inwhich she talked about how to heal if you are the one being betrayed, but I was right on time to hear the healing portion for the betrayer.

After mentioning how the betrayer should first seek repentance, the next step is to apologize. As simplistic as this may be this is very key. She mentioned how folks don't know how to apologize. When apologzing, simply do it. Don't say "I'm sorry," and then go into a long hub blub of an explaination. That explainantion or extra verbage will eventually cancel out your apology and will make it less sincere.

I wondered how many times (while not really betraying a person) have I apologized to someone and went into my long spill of the why and whatnots. I can honestly say, when I've done that I truly feel and know what I did was straight BS my way through and/or out of something.  While I don't want to be known as a person who is full of shit, sometimes it does hapen that way. True, there is no excuse for it.

More than likely, this is also why I catch an instant headache or attitude if someone is apologizing to me and giving a whole bunch of extra verbs, adjectives, nouns, prefixes, suffixes, conjunctions and etc behind it.

What's interesting to note is, after sleeping off my emotional state I woke up wanting to apologize to Papi for dumping or unloading so much at 3 something in the morning and expecting him to make it alright. Yet, I was still scared that I may have frightened him off with my ambush.  Somwhere in my perplexing contemplative state I received a text message from Papi.

He simply apologized for falling asleep on me and wanted to know if I was feeling better and if there was anything else I needed to get off my chest.

*taking a moment to catch my breath - gotta love it*

Instead of seizing the opportunity to ramble off more of what I had been feeling, I decided to hold back. I told him I was fine and even made a joke that if I did have something else to get off my chest I'll be sure to let him know at 2 am. Of course he knew that was a joke.

I swear I can be so "flip-dizzy" with my emotions, but who isn't?

I'm glad for those that stick with me through it.

I guess if I were to apologize to anyone, especially Papi it would be....

I apologize for being so abnormal??????

Then again... being abnormal may not be so bad.

Wait.. did I just cancel out an apology?

Who the hell cares...  

SnP

1 comment

For the past couple of days, I've been having floating thoughts about my opinions on the first episode of the Salt N Pepa reality show. Though, I wanted to at least try and do a thoughtful entry on the current polar opposite personalities of Cheryl (aka Salt) and Sandy (aka Pepa), so much of my own life lately has the makings of a reality that it seems be taking over lately. 

For Salt N Pepa I will say this...

- Even though Monday was the first/premire episode and I'm sure there is hope that the pair can grown and move on in harmony (at least I hope); Salt clearly appeared to be less compromising of Pepa. Pepa had to conform to Salt's standards in order to "make her feel comfortable" about performing.  Ok, true, Pepa's natural nature of being flirtacious and  bold is a bit "out there" and perhaps Pepa's brief moment of hip swirving in church was not really called for, but why did Salt really agree to go into performing or get her "feet wet" if she really doesn't feel comfortable about being Salt n Pepa or performing anymore, especially as it seems clear that she isn't willing to sing the same lyrics or slip into cleavage showing, butt cheek hugging attire?

- I think in Salt's case, at least from what I saw Monday night, while she may have said yes to performing again I saw two possible things happening (I could be wrong) either 1. She doesn't want to perform, she wants to leave Salt n Pepa behind for good, but she let others pressure or talk her into doing something she doesn't want to do OR 2. she really does want to perform but because she associates her eating disorder, the stress, Pepa's (alleged) competitive ways and any other negativity, she is sscared of going back to that after she fought it off. Actually I think it's the latter of the two. She wants to perfom but can't find a balance where she can remain in her state of (if you will) ZEN!  Actually, after watching them perform the song "Whatta Man" at Salt's church, and changing the lyrics around to make it spiritual (Kirk Franklin does that all that all the time so hush..) I figured Salt probably can find a balance as a performer, but performing for God. Maybe?

- After watching Salt n Pepa, I was a bit unnerved to see that Irv Gotti has a reality show as well (also on VH1), that also premired the same night. Now I'm not the biggest Irv Gotti or Murder Inc fan, but I managed to watch a few segments of his show. Funny I thought not too long ago that Ashanti has been quiet for a while, but I guess it was all because Irv lost everything when he went through his Federal case for the alledged money laundry ring. I'm not really interested in Irv Gotti the record producer and wonder can he gain his reputation and his business back. After getting a feel for his quasi-wife, Deb, and the family they have that's what struck a cord with me.

- So the way things with Deb and Irv are complicated, but not.. so they say. They are quasi-seperated, but Irv apparently does stay over on weekends, but sleeps on the couch. He is close with his kids and actually the first episodes brings up a discussion of Irv wanting to move his family into a bigger house. Deb seems to be dead set against it. It maybe Irv's attempt to be an honest man.. errr ummm husband.

- Deb admitted that after watching an interview with Irv, in which he fessed up to cheating on his wife, that was the last straw for her. Oh really? This is where things sorta hit home for me at the moment, because my sister is sort of going through the same thing. Though I'm not going to bring up all the details of mys sister's marraige, I will say that after our three hour conversation, I am a bit shocked and not shocked about teh shady dealings with her husband. Like Irv and Deb, they are quasi-seperated, but unlike Deb, I think my sister wants a divorce. As I told my sister. I can't really tell her what to do with her marriage. I'm just an outsider looking in, and though I personally feel it's not healthy at the moment, especially since the kids had a taste of his shadiness, it's really left up to my sister as to what she wants to do.  Actually I do wanna go and wring the life out of my brother in-law's neck, but hell I can't go to jail my damn self. I'm trying to figure out when did he change and feel like he had to be the best materialistically to out shine everyone! At what price is he willing to be this "legend in his own mind" that he is creating or has created?

- I do find Deb to be interesting in which she (from what I've seen) is comfortable in the security she has with Irv, maybe that's one and the major reason for not the total seperation from him. However, it was funny in a preview in which Deb is telling her 15 year old daughter that she hopes that she realizes that when she is grown she can stand alone and don't have to depend on a man to support her. Irv wasted no time in calling Deb out by saying she is not even living by her her words. I don't know Deb's reaction as VH1 did the whole tease and break thing with that one.

- I think I'll watch Irv's show just to keep an eye out on Deb and the kids and see how Irv the family man is. I did check out some the extra clips on VH1's site and saw one in which Deb is giving her point of view of why she is with Irv. Of course I did expect her to say tht Irv is different as a family or as Irv Lorenzo (his real name). What was a bit profound??? was the fact that she pointed out when Irv came in the music industry and took on the marker Irv Gotti, it changed. It changed him and she believes it changed their marriage. From the way she talked, it is as if Irv took on a whole new persona as Irv Gotti.... which brings up the age old question......

Does life imitate art or does art imitate life?

I'm gonna stop here, because I still have some reflecting to do about what's going with my reality at the moment. Not that it's anything bad, but it's just a few realizations that I need to grasps as I see other's reality play out on a TV screen. Some of it does hit home, especially with the issues surrounding Salt N Pepa. I'll touch on that a lil later.