9 posts tagged “death”

Sometimes I get a little uncomfortable when people assume because I'm a writer I'm REALLY REALLY good to the point where words come easy. True, words do come easy, but NOT ALL THE TIME. I suppose it's contradiction, but it's just me.. my mind.. my emotions... trying to process what I see, experience and so forth.

For three weeks my world has been reeling. Part of me has been dying to get to my nearest computer and log onto my journal(s) to type away and document it all. The other part of me has been tangled up with words that I pretty much silenced myself to see the situation play itself out.. to see if there is a new perspective or a lesson to learn from it all. I must say what has transpired has brought me to laughter and tears.

Two weekends ago I never felt so found in all my life as I traveled with my parents, my daughter, my aunts, my cousins and more cousins to Cincinnati for our family reunion. A cloud hovered near my immediate family right before the trip, but it didn't deter our planned mission. It tried to. Mr D, my grandmother's husband, passed away in his sleep two nights before the trip. Ironically I had been at there house for much of the evening and hadn't even seen Mr. D moving about the house like he normally did when I was there. Even during that day, my grandmother and aunt were prepping for the trip to Cincinnati. With Mr. D's and my grandmother's clothes packed, they were ready to go. Of course on the night of his passing my grandmother was upset. We worried this would be a set back for her depression and (pre) dementia. She even refused to go on the trip. Yet, her reluctance kicked in after talking to a couple of her first cousins that encouraged her to go.

In the end, she was glad she went.

We partied from the time we loaded the bus at five o'clock that Friday morning (seriously we were dancing in the aisle of the bus by 7 am), to the time we met up with our family in Cincinnati, to the time we left Ohio and came back to DC.  I met family I knew little to nothing about. I learned a little more about our family history and I just felt warm to the openness and hospitality shown to us from that side of our family. I cried at the picnic when folks were giving little speeches about who they were and shared testimonies about their life, I laughed at silly antics my cousins and I did throughout the weekend and I bubbled over with warmth and pride as I watched my daughter get into playing around with her younger and older cousins.

By the end of the trip I thought it was ridiculous of me to feel alone as I had been feeling lately. The lonliness that I was no longer a part of any core or inner circle of a "friendship" group because all the friendships (with the exception of a couple) I have pretty much known.. I had outgrown. My family is my core, my inner circle. I thought back to how generations of cousins have been each others best friends because the family is that big and back then everyone hung out with each other every week. By the time I came on the scene, there were such gatherings, but as the elders or those 11 siblings of our family's patriach and matriach grew older... different sects of the family just drifted a part.

Now my family is working on mending this. Actually just yesterday my parents and I had an impromptu dinner where we invited cousins and extended family over. Part of it was a carry over of the funeral we just had for Mr. D. Natrually we had a repast (which, I found since Michael Jackson's funeral is a foreign concept to A LOT of folks), but folks still wanted to be of comfort to my grandmother. So they came to her house after the repast and ate some more. Seriously it was really a lot of food available. What is it about funerals and people wanting to cook or bring over food? Old school tradition for sure.

Even in the midst of Friday's funeral, I had to make an unexpected trip to BWI airport to pick up my sister. She came into town from Charlotte to look after our oldest brother who is battling Lupus. Nevertheless, I brought my sister back to my grandmother's house so she could eat and take home some food to our brother. We had our sister chit chat and even when I dropped her off at my brother's I stayed awhile to catch up with him.

As my family has been helping me "find" or rediscover myself, I did something I haven't done since I dated Brandon back in the late 90's. Although Papi has already met my parents, he stopped by yesterday and met the family that had gathered here at the house. During the course of last week, after two years and a few months, Papi and I have finally admitted to ourselves and others that we are indeed a couple..... we are in a relationship. Since we finally put a label on it, we both don't think anything will change much. We'll still move at our own pace. There are no talks of marriage from both ends, but from our conversations it's pretty safe to say that we're open to it, just can't see it now and if to each other.

I feel like I'm leaving out a lot of details and my extra deep thoughts. Maybe when I'm feeling really deep thought-ful-ish I'll revisit this.

In short I just wanted to express how close I've been feeling to my family, cousins and all, and how they helped me rediscover me. It's a good feeling to know that the blood that flows through you is of good stock....meaning the lineage from it is a strong legacy worth more than gold.

It's safe to say that I, like millions of others, find myself in shock and speechless about yesterday's passing of Michael Jackson. What's crazy is I use to "fear" this day. Meaning, I use to wonder what the WORLD would do in reaction to the news of a Michael Jackson death. I seriously use to wonder about this as a kid.  I suspect that Michael Jackson's funeral (at least memorial service) will be very public and world wide. I wouldn't even be surprised if he received some kind of "state" funeral (or something like it) with accolades galore."

I'm an 80's baby. So I never got to experience "Little Michael" say like someone in my aunt's generation, who use to play her Jackson 5 albums to death; especially the song "ABC." When I came on the scene it was merely on the heels of his "Off the Wall" album and "Thriller" was not long behind. The rest [as they say] is HIStory. Fortunately I grew up in the era of Michael's "glory" days, when he was solidfied and a bonifide pop icon. So I feel rightful in standing in line with millions of others and make the claim I grew up with and on Michael Jackson. Though I never been to a Michael Jackson concert, I have the video footage from documentaries and such on his life that show the crying and overwhelmed fans passing out and being carried out at the shows. It WAS that deep...at least for them.

Obviously, I didn't know Michael personally or any of the Jacksons for that matter, but still my heart has been feeling kind of heavy. This week has caught me off gaurd completely, but it's more than Michael's death and even the deaths of TV personality Ed McMahon who passed earlier this week and actress Farrah Fawcett who passed hours earlier before Michael after a long fight with anal cancer. Maybe what rattled me this week was the unbelievable and indescribable local news (that went national) of the two red line metro transit trains that collided. Dozens were injured and nine people parished; two included a retired general and his wife my father knew from The Gaurd. Maybe what really did it was news of my next door neighbor, who was entering his home and was jumped on by some teens and pistol whipped in an attempted robbery the other night, while I've been in the house alone with my 2 year old for nearly two weeks now.

Nevertheless, in wake of the recent events, I can't help but feel reminded and faced dead on with the reality of immortality. On the day of the train accident, a fellow school-mate of mine (who is in his early 20's) updated his Facebook status to say he was on one of the trains in the accident, but wasn't injured, just in shock. Someone responded to his comment with "it wasn't your time."  Yesterday I thought to how Farah Fawcett was determined to beat her cancer and looked forward to a victory of living cancer free. Her plans took her as far as Germany where she met and had a team of doctors working with her on the latest treaments unknown or unauthorized in The States. Then I thought how Michael Jackson came out this passed March to proclaim his final curtain call will be concluding with a series of concerts given in London scheduled for this coming July. How odd is it that Michael Jackson and the unsuspecting folks in the Metro accident made their own plans - like the 23 year-old mother and owner of a beauty salon leaving work and was on the train in route planning to pick up her kids - but God had another plan....

That seems to be the nature of human beings, always planning and strategizing in an effort to control our life.  Yet something more powerful than us is in control and sadly it always takes something so catastrophic, such as the trifecta of death, to point this out. 

Curious to know other thoughts concerning Michael's death, I did something I haven't done in months. I looked up a former friend's blog as she has been documenting her Christian/spiritual journey. I was curious to know her spin on this and to see another Christian's perspective on the recent nationalized deaths of three celebrities and the nine local, everyday people who were lost in the train wreck (especially, since she rides that exact line and route to and from work).  Nothing posted on current events, but instead I stumbled upont her entry "At a Crossroads," where she breaks down four different roads people take in life.

1. The Yellow Brick Road: where she states the obvious of how people who have "made it" or reached a level of success and think it's all God, but really it's a faux life. Meaning, people who reach this status have all the materialistic gains of such a life, but there is still a void, because God isn't fully (if at all) in their lives.  She qoutes Psalm 14:12 (NIV) - "There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to destruction."

2. The Road to Nowhere: here she breaks down how this describes people who are stuck right at the their crossroads in life. Instead of making a move they sit and spectate and acutally maybe comfortable in during so. She quotes: Leviticus 26: 13-20 (NIV) - "I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt so that you would no longer be slaves to the Egyptians; I broke the bars of your yoke and enabled you to walk with heads held high.

 'But if you will not listen to me and carry out all these commands, and if you reject my decrees and abhor my laws and fail to carry out all my commands and so violate my covenant, then I will do this to you: I will bring upon you sudden terror, wasting diseases and fever that will destroy your sight and drain away your life. You will plant seed in vain, because your enemies will eat it. I will set my face against you so that you will be defeated by your enemies; those who hate you will rule over you, and you will flee even when no one is pursuing you. "

 'If after all this you will not listen to me, I will punish you for your sins seven times over. I will break down your stubborn pride and make the sky above you like iron and the ground beneath you like bronze. Your strength will be spent in vain, because your soil will not yield its crops, nor will the trees of the land yield their fruit."

3. The Road of Darkness: here she talks about the folks who basically get to their crossroads and walk backwards in their life journey. They may even reject the word of God; the "mentally and spiritually screwed up" as she refers to such individuals. She quotes Romans 1:28 (NIV) - "Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done. "

4. The Road to Enternal Life: basically this is the life in which God has you in His care, if you choose Him and this road. Ironically she quoted a verse that I have kept close to me ever since my Aunt VJ preached on it (the whole chapter) during her initial sermon a year ago - also the day after her (step) son's passing. It was such an emotional and bittersweet moment in my life. Deutoronomy 30:19 (NIV) - "I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that you and your descendants may live."

How surreal this keeps coming up in my life?

Recently I had the opportunity to interview a talented, business savy, indpendently produced singer for an online music publication. My conversation with her felt so reaffirmming and pretty much a testimony to what she has accomplished in her life and continues to do so.What's even more admirable is that she is working with TWO callings on her life, but has been blessed beyond words can imagine to connect the two and make it work; teaching students with special needs AND singing/performing. After my conversation with her and eventually writing up the article I found myself wishing to be something like her.. so confident and walking with that stride of I-may-look-as-if-I'm-in control-but-God-has-it.. totally. It was the same confidence I saw oozing from Ledisi a couple of weeks ago at the Carter Barron, when she proclaimed that she was "taking you to church in the juke joint." And she did... really. Granted I don't know these singers on a personal level, so I don't know all their struggles and dealings, but it's not hard to see when someone is oozing with that I-got-God confidence and REALLY have it.. I mean REALLY... you can FEEL IT!

I went back to a year ago to that March when Aunt VJ preached her sermon. This is what I had to say then:

Aunt VJ preached from the perspective of how folks can be the walking dead - living a life under the wrong spirit and allowing unnecessary suffering to enter. Choosing God allows life and light to come into your life and bring an unfounded peace. Life is different when you have divine peace.  For me, her message actually coincided with my pastor's message from today - about unlikely candidates of being used/blessed by God.  Earlier in the day I attended my own church and was hit with a reaffirming message that my life does have a purpose. Also, that pain is a part of life and the blessing in pain or hitting a deeper low is being built up. He used the analogy of tall buildings having a deeper foundation in order for it to be supported properly and able to withstand the strength it is built upon.

I would like the think the recent pains happening in my life - from dropping a friend, my grandmother's battle with depression and pre-dementia, becoming restless with this last stage of school, trying to remain sane and patient as a mother and a few other things - that a breaking point and a blessing is near, depending on me of course...if I choose to lean and stay with God. Why else would 2007 be the calm before the storm; even sending me WARNINGS via dreams about swimming and such. Then BAM! the latter part of 2008 and on into 2009 I'm right in the thick of things, shedding more skin, exposing all of me.. the good, bad and sometimes maybe the ugly. Cleansing. Swimming.

What's ironic is that part of the pain was loosing a connection to my former friend; so much so to the point where she stopped really caring and understanding because all she saw was "darkness" in me and I couldn't hack her sometimes true, but sometimes very off the mark observations about me. I think she wasn't ready, because she's never seen the worse of me, but I actually saw it coming. So I removed myself in hopes that it will give us a chance to both grow with God, but not together as a way of not to hinder since we're moving at a different pace. God is working on us differently.

I'm saying all of this to say that again my life has been jarred, but to the point where I don't want all that I do to be for the wrong reasons or even in vain. Going back to school, when I did, was RIGHT ON TIME. However, at the start of last semester I use to think it was the right time because it was my time (my plan of action), but as the semester moved forward I began to see it was the right time because it was God's time. I realized I wasn't ready to deal with the journalism/communications industry fully or to the point where I thought I was. The climate of the industry has changed dramatically with new media reporting coming in at a fast pace and being an all-in-one journalist is in high demand. It is only now that I'm finding out what I'm really made of and if this is one of the blessings or callings that God has for me or was this something that I planned on my life.  Strangely, or maybe not so strange, moments ago I just received a phone call about participating in a project for next year to help set up a press conference. The grant and proposal was being written up as I spoke to the person working on the team. A bit nervous, but with excitement I said yes.

What's funny is that as much as I can't stand anyone with control issues, I have them too. I don't control others, but I try so damn hard to control my life. Honestly I should know better, especially given a few life events that I have been able to testify about where it wasn't me... it was God. This I know for sure.

Still, it's like the old saying "man makes plans and God laughs."

As for what I "wish" I had in regards to that confidence I witnessed a few days ago....

Ironic I stumbled about another proverb. I was digging in my laptop bag when I came across a slip of paper. It was a proverb another friend of mine would have at the bottom of his email as a signature. I liked it to much that I printed it out, cut the paper down to the quote and taped on my comuter at work when I was in the federal government.

It says, "Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect; it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections"

Though I love this proverb and its message I would like to think God's plan is bit more than that. That his ultimate goal is that being happy has to do with Him and with him, everything is perfect because He is with us.. He resides within us. I believe this is confidence is in me, but has been dormant for a while, probably cause I choose to by letting life get to me instead of seeking and leaning on God - continuously.

My crossroad(s) are filled with the four points as outline by my former friend. Unfortunately I've traveled down two of the roads mentioned; The yellow brick road and the road to nowhere. I don't believe I've been down the road of darkness. Granted I've had my bouts with depression, but I've always sought God but what probably didn't help were the times when I added my on imput, my control of the situation. The road to enternal life.... I stare at it and have I really started walking on it? What's funny is as I think about it.. I also think back to one of my new favorite cable shows... Nurse Jackie.

In the opening episode, Jackie is going on via monologue about how nurses are seen as saints and throwing in a little philosophy and theology behind it - especially when people know the difference between right and wrong. One line jumped out at me as Jackie basically rationalizations she knows what's right, but may opt to do the wrong thing in the name of morals. Then she concludes with "don't make me right just yet God." The whole monologue was kind of deep. Granted the show is fictional, whose main character is addicted to pain killers and having an affair, but what's weird is that I sometimes feel like that. As if I know what's right, but for whatever reason I fear I sometimes find myself saying something along those lines... "don't make me right just yet God." As if God is suppose to wait on me and work on my time and schedule. Again, control. 

I believe this is what 2009 has been about for me. Recognizing my control issues (among other things) and eventually letting it go. What's the biggest thing I need to let go and relenquish control of? My pride.

Pride is such a hard thing to let go, especially when you used it to survive (your way) for a very long time. I could probably write a book about how my pride has helped, hindered and hurt me and those around me. It's an old friend that seems to be in permanent residence, perhaps hindering me from walking that enternal life road.

Nevertheless... I'm working on it...

I've been keeping this close to me since I incorporated into something I wrote a year ago. I believe it's my favorite. My reminder of my constant and ever evolving being.

“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you." -  Philippians 3:12 -15 NIV

The closer we've become, fears surface.

Death is one. I can't take losing another....

Another that truly has my heart. That gets me & what he doesn't understand, he seeks to.

Others predict our ever after.

I fear it, so I block it.

Left to ponder the "what ifs"

Still, so much space to clear before any ever afters.

So much to do...to prepare for.

Maybe this is it. Maybe not.

Either way too late.

I'm caught up.

Didn't ask to be. Didn't want to be.

Sure there is a reason. We just aren't clear. Gave up on finding reason.

Just Be...right?

We're in pretty deep. Two years and going.

My heart is in this.

It's my heart that pushes tears through where there are talks about a possible return to Iraq, or thoughts about senseless random acts of violence, or accidents.

If we are working on an ever after I pray that we are blessed to see 50 plus years.

And when death comes knocking, we would have left the other with the knowledge that we truly and deeply loved each other.

It wasn't in vain.

Still...the feel or thought of their absence....

*tears*

Again, death has seem to come in threes.

Once in my family.

Once in my extended family.

Once in my extended extended family.

I lost a cousin to her battled with emphysema on Sunday. The story alone behind this is kind of bittersweet. Originally I wanted to set aside a special blog entry concerning just what took place in a matter of weeks before her death. Yet, I was just hit with a ton of bricks about an old coworker of mine.

Even the news about my extended "relative", who passed after a long battle with cancer, wasn't as much as a shock as the third death.

The crazy thing is, I think my intuition be telling me things, but I ignore it. A few days ago, maybe a week ago, a flash thought came to me. It wasn't even a dream. Just a thought. A thought about some folks I use to work with when I was in the federal government, but the people have passed away. I didn't think much of it. Thought it was tied into my cousin's situation.

Then today's news.....

My former coworker lost her husband last night in an accident. I can't imagine the pain or the range of emotions she is going through right now. The ironic thing is, I'm sitting here talking with Ms. C. She's telling me that her husband had also been in an accident this weekend, but he is okay. Yet she was upset about that, and after learning about our co-worker's loss she took a step back and though hurting for our friend, she began to give thanks for husband surviving his accident.

I can see my former coworker's husband just as clear. Her and her family had started attending my church a year or so ago.  Her, her husband and two sons. I'm not sure if they ever joined, but faithfully I would see them, whenever I show up and we would briefly greet each other. I never knew much about her family life, only to say that (I believe) her and her husband had been together since they were in high school. My heart goes out to her, but all this does is remind me of a few things.

Though (personally) I never been a big fan of being married (never thought I was the marrying kind), I've grown to be more open to the idea or possibility of it (but still not pushing it). While I have seen beautiful examples of love though family members who have been married for 50 plus years, when death comes I can see how the heart is torn in two, especially when you have been together for that long.

I know how I love. I love deeply till there is nothing left and I'm even searching in the reserves. If I get married and it happens that my spouse goes before me... I can't deal with it. I know I can't. Forget about "well.. if you and your husband are right with the Lord and walk with HIM daily there is no need to fear etc. etc. etc."

That maybe true, but I know me. I know when my selfishness kicks in. I love the beautifulness of death but I hate the unfairness of it. If I manage to get married and I know it's for all the right reasons with God being number one.. I know how deep my heart would be in it. I would probably be mad at God. This is the same for if my daughter is taken away from me. I would be angry.

Maybe it is a bit unfair of me to assume all of this now, but my gut and my heart tells me this is so. So right now this is the only thing making sense to me.

*sigh*

Needless to say...

If it is meant for me to be married.. I am not going to let this be a factor for not getting married to "that guy." It will be a fear, no doubt, but all in all, I wouldn't want my husband to die alone.

Today has truly been inspirational and I didn't even make it to church today.

The Snickerdoodle and I got a late start to our day. So it was nearly noon when I sat her in her high chair, prepared brunch for the both of us and flipped the channels on the tele to TVOne. TVOne Access (an extension to Access Hollywood) was doing a profile on Beyonce. I'm not the biggest Beyonce fan but I have to admit I do admire how she handles her business. In looking at her interview clips, it's obvious that she lays out her goals and aims for them with the bulk of them obtained. One of the strong points that her colleagues mentioned is that she does have an excellent work ethic, which has been instilled in her since she was little. Certainly she has earned her bragging rights, which she delivers on her song "Diva,"

Sidebar: I tend to like the song Diva, but I just cringe everytime I hear the second verse. The verse just weakens it with talks of six packs in the cooler? Stick up? "Where your boss at?" huh? Then I'm brought back to Beyonce.. err umm Sasha's reality when she mentions there are no passengers on her plane.

Still, regardless if you love her or hate her, you can't deny that she is putting in the work to get to where she is. Granted what was shown was bascially "surface" material, I was blown away by some of the responses in her past interviews. Grown and mature during a time when people look at your age and want to easily dismiss you because they assume you are young and wet behind the ears.  I was even more intrigued as she briefly talked about a time when she didn't want to be in the business anymore. She wanted to quit on the spot, but something or something kept her grounded and made her stronger....God. Obviously she chose to stay.  

What was inspirational was the fact I saw in some aspects she reminded me of myself.

Sidebar: Funny, a few months ago when I was playing around on the net, I ran across this little quiz thing on Lifetime.com. What famous person(s) are best suited to be your BFF (Best Friend Forever). Based on my answers the end result was: Beyonce, Kelly Rowland, Tyra Banks and Kimora Lee. Basically the ladies of a party and therefore know when to leave a party. I laughed, because based on what I've seen from them, I do like their personas... even if Kimora is a bit ghetto-fab.

When Beyonce talked quitting she said she realized there are moments in life, especially when you are working with your gift, your craft, that are going to be like butter and times when things are going to be rocky and hard. Yet you have to have the mentality and will power to not dwell, learn from it and move on. This of course is the lesson I'm currently living.

Aside from watching Beyonce and quick run to the grocery store afterwards, I came back home determined to find the documents concerning my total credit hours in order to graduate. Thankfully the boxes containing my important papers were in the house and not in the storage shed. I went through three different boxes and finding treasure along the way. Much of it were papers from both high school and college. I stumbled upon an undated twenty-five dollar check from Brandon. Attached was a letter and an application with my info filled out for the National Association of Black Journalists (NABJ). I smiled as I read the letter. It was during the time we were dating. I was a freshman in college and I must have mentioned something to him about my want to join the NABJ. Basically he was encouraging me to join and was offering to pay for my membership. Naturally I must have rejected the offer if I'm coming across the check. 

I know.. my pride.

Of course I joined using my own money. Which reminds me... I need to seriously renew my membership.

Then my emotions tugged at me as I came across obituaries. Darin, my friend from high school. Allen, my godfather. Quincy, my godbrother. There will always be a sore spot for Quincy leaving this life when we were both 17. Florine, my grandmother on my father side, whom I believe much of my talent as well as my older brothers and my sister live in our blood. My grandmother the secretary by day. Vocalist, violinist, pianist and model by night. Much like her husband... my grandfather. Teacher by day. Local playwright putting on small shows after hours. 

Then my own writing. One in particular caught my eye. I began with a quote from Anais Nin.

"She lacks confidence. She craves admiration insatiably. She lives on the reflections of herself in the eyes of others. She does not care to be herself"

- Anais Nin

What followed were a series of short and random thoughts. Much of it about life and wanting..craving freedom. Freedom from what I saw a facade, a fake me.

Thought #2
I'm often complimented that I'm indeed a good writer. These compliments are nothing more than reminders of how much of a phony I am. Well that's how I see it. You see I find something and without much thought I just write it down...raw feelings.

Why do I feel like a phony? Call it a lack of confidence..call it trying too hard to be deep in thought that I totally forget what the piece is about...call it nothing more than BS writing. It's all fake.

What folks don't know is that I'm an amateur. I can get a flow going and then... like the snap of a finger...it happens. a big stone rolls it's way to that ride side of the brain (creative side...I think) causing a deep mental shutdown. I curse the friend that called on the phone that didn't want nothing. I curse my aunt for dropping off her screaming two-year-old. I curse my parents for wanting my services for something they could have done for themselves.

Thought#3
Sometimes I feel like I'm the chick in the flicks you see with a chip on her shoulder. She does and says whatever the hell she pleases. She's a rebel without a cause. To get next to her is a dare. To fuck her is an honor. To make her smile and laugh is a plus. To make her cry is a disgust. To love her is a challenge.

I was taken aback by my thoughts and the fact that I saw myself in this light. I was 21. Then I found this sheet of paper with two more Anais Nin quotes I had written down. One of which was:

"There are very few human beings who receive the truth, complete and staggering, by instant illumination. Most of them acquire it fragment by fragment, on a small scale, by successive developments, cellularly, like a laborious mosaic."

I thought back to the time when I was writing all of of this. Familar faces and places fashed across my mental picture. Some of it made me smile. Some of it made me want to mourn. I thought for a moment of my truth. What is the real me. Funny how people always put emphasis on what age or what time frame you should have yourself figured out. I've seen grown people as old as fifty still living without a clue and people younger than me sure as the day they were born of who they are. I thought I would have all this figured out by now, but seriously 2008 caught me off gaurd and questioning at lot.

A year shy of thirty and I'm just now.. beginning to see some of my truths. The real me.

"Ordinary life does not interest me. I seek only the high moments. I am in accord with the surrealists, searching for the marvelous."
- Anais Nin

Thought#2009
Ambitious one. Always thinking ahead. So far into the light, reality is out of sight. Stubborn and always fighting with invisible foes. Too prideful to let go. Beautiful one covered and hidden by fears, self-inflects the wounds. Can't see or hear.   

Ambitious one. Always thinking ahead. So far into the light, her "reality" made her dead. She could have made it, if she would have only let go. Control, her best drug. Her worst enemy. She played slave to her master. The ultimate masturbation of life if any.

Ambitious one. Always thinking ahead. So far into the light, reality is plight. Can't run nor walk away. Can no longer live the masqurade. Have to deal. Have soil to till.

Needless to say, I did eventually find what I was looking for. Off to school tomorrow to talk to an advisor.

"Go to the ant, thou sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise: Which having no guide, overseer, or ruler, Provideth her meat in the summer, and gathereth her food in the harvest. How long wilt thou sleep, O sluggard? when wilt thou arise out of thy sleep? Yet a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to sleep: So shall thy poverty come as one that travelleth, and thy want as an armed man." (Proverbs 6:6-11 KJV)

Tim Russert 1950-2008

*deep inhale and exhale*

I'm a bit in shock. I received the news after returning home from running some quick errands. The computer was on and I logged onto my email and a blog site. It was part of the headline in someone's blog.

Tim Russert 1950 - 2008.

I didn't want to believe it. I informed my parents and we quickly to turned to MSNBC, where we usually stay tuned in for all of the political hub blub.

There it was. Confirmed. Brian Williams. David Gregory. Andrea Mitchell. The whole gang was on paying their respects with thoughtful remarks on their colleague. 

To the ordinary person, his passing may not mean much; just another sad case of a sudden death by heart attack. However, I can't be the ordinary person, especially since I spent many a Sunday mornings getting my fill of "Meet The Press" and since the hype of the Presidential Primaries I've been glued to MSNBC. Being in the journalism realm (partially) I do stay in tuned to who is who and who I do admire and respect in the business. There are a handful of people I do admire in this business, and thankfully I've had the opportunity to meet some of them. Tim Russert was one I've admired. I have an even greater admiration now in light of what has been said about him more on the personal side. Especially in regards to kids and his father.

His death is also a reminder of how things could have been for my mother. It wasn't until her mild stroke, that she learned because of her stress level at work and continuous fatigue, she may or could have suffered a heart attack and gone without any notice.  I can't help but wonder if Russert's stress level killed him. He was on air almost every night. He was the Washington Bureau Chief, doing what he loved. Still it had to be stressful. The Presidential Primaries were just too much. Was it really worth it?  I feel like how my mother feels; I want to wake him up and tell him that he should have gotten checked out earlier - anything to save his life.  

Then again, that might be selfish. Maybe it was his time.

No ifs, ands or buts about it.

Nevertheless, he will certainly be missed.

Redskin

I said I wasn't going to do it, but somewhere in between dressing my daughter, getting myself together, chit chatting with Papi and making a mad dash to my grandmother's, I caught the broadcast of Sean Taylor's funeral. It's strange to explain how true die hard fans of the Redskins, of the game and just fans of LIFE feel so emotional about this loss. My mother is trying to understand why fans, mainly those with no personal connection to Taylor are crying and feel so emotional about this. It's hard to explain, but I see it in the same way as those that shedded tears during the death of Aaliyah, Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes, those lost in 9/11 and anyone else who left this world a bit too soon. The loss was sudden, tragic and it's just another jolt in our merry little world that life is not gaurenteed. We are not invincible, no matter what our status.

I watched, as much as I could, the speakers that spoke on Taylor and painted a beautiful picture of a man with flaws but was loving, humble and giving in every way. I was coming out of the shower just in time to hear former Redskin LaVar Arrington speak. I immediately forgot about the small crush I had for him when he played for the Skins and I dispelled any sour feelings I had after he left to play for the NY Giants. I almost broke down and cried as he - almost in a broken state - publicly admitted his flaws and it was Sean's death that brought him to that point. In so many words he said he was "guilty of not looking back" and not taking the time to express his appreciation and gratitude towards his former teammates. His speech was very humbling and it was reminiscent of the old Arrington, before he began to really "feel" his fame.  

Another wretching moment was listening to Taylor''s (would have been) future sister-in-law speak on behalf of her sister. She spoke from the heart as she thanked Taylor and her sister Jackie for showing her, or being an example, of what love is and should be. She spoke on Jackie's non-stop unconditional devotion to Sean. She also thanked him for the "love of her life" her neice, which is Sean's 18-month old daughter that he leaves behind.

Personally, I don't know how I'm feeling about all of this. I'm touched by it, sure. No one, young or old deserves to be taken out in such a way. However, maybe it was his time to leave. Yet, that maybe be the humanistic and perhaps selfish part of people as emotions push through and they want the answer to the "why?" question. I'm sure we all want to know why? We all would have loved to see a happy ending. He didn't have to come out of the situation playing football. We would have been happy with him recovering and living each day for his daughter and future wife.  He would have been HERE amongst the living and contributing in other ways in making a brighter spot in someone's day.

Instead, as some have put it, he gave his life to save two lives, maybe that's all the reason enough to try and understand. He loved both his Jackies (daughter and fiance') so much that he did the ultimate.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this post. Just to say that in light of what happened, it's another harsh reminder that life is precious. As one of the ministers in the service said... there are three stages in life. 1) when you are born into life, 2) you go through life and 3) when you are taken out of life.. and basically what you do in the middle is what matters. How you live your life will determine your ending.

What's is interesting to note is that, though Sean Taylor had his faults as man and some were made public, his faults did not bring upon his death. There were some who were quick to judge and say that his life caught up with him. However, to date everything is still coming up as a senseless random act of violence.

Though I've met my share of Redskin players, past and present, after listening to the praises of Sean Taylor today, I'm a bit dismayed that I didn't get to see any of that firsthand. I can only hope that those directly affected by this can find a way and the will to press on.

May Sean rest in a place where he will always be young, vibrant and at peace.

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I can't believe I signed on to be a participant in the annual National Novel Writing Month. What could I have possibly been thinking? I barely have enough time to tighten up the one I have now. I barely have time to actively do the literary search thing. I barely have time to write a decent blog.

My Snickerdoodle is getting older and she is nosey as hell.

Older baby + Baby fighting sleep = Looooooooooooooonger mommy duty.

Even now I'm sorta writing this entry on the fly while she is sitting in the middle of the bed entertaining herself.

(peeping to make sure she isn't close to the edge)

Maybe I'll do the whole late night thing and post the chapters in the day. If anyone want to add me as a buddy on the NaNaWrMo site.. I'm using my infamous pseudo.... yep... "Mahoganie."

The more I go out with Snickerdoodle the more I'm becominng aware that there are a lot of places that aren't "mommy friendly."  Bathrooms are a biggie with me. I hate the bathrooms at Macy's (namely the one at Pentagon City Mall). The baby changing station is near the door, and the bathroom maintence people always stick the one lone trash can right underneath it. So, while you are trying to change your baby you are fighting back a traffic a people as the come into the restroom, bumping into your bulky stroller and your butt, and after washing their hands trying to reach over, around and through to get to the trash can.

I won't even talk about places that don't even have a baby changing station, not even in their handicap stall. So where are you to change your baby? You just gotta make do.

I will say I looooooooooove Nordstrom. Outside of shopping there (when I do have some extra change to play with) I love their ladies restroom. It's like a three part lounge/restroom. There is the area for lounging. There is a baby changing ROOM and the closed in restroom area itself. The atmosphere is comfortable and roomy. It's certainly Mommy Friendly.

I'm struggling BIG TIME in trying to find a nice card for Mr. S. My idea is to find a card that is blank inside. I will add my own personal message. Yet, i'm finding that a lot of the cards out here are very feminine. *oye!* What? So men don't like to receive cards?

I did find one cute enouragement card, but the message to it seemed a bit flirty. I don't want to be flirty during his time of need.

Outside: "Quiet Meditation Helps. Quiet Meditation with Cookies Help more.
Inside: "I got access to cookies."

Seriously what kind of message is that to hand to someone who is struggling with the illness of a close relative? so I left that card at the store.

Death seems to have been somewhat looming around my radar for a while. First it was Mr. S telling me about the terminal illness of his grandmother, then the things I've been hearing in the news.  Last Saturday Papi shared with me news that was sort of a shock

Don't know if anyone really knew the singer LaLa Brown outside of her duet with Lyfe Jennings,  but tragically her life was cut short. Last Friday, LaLa and her producer were both found shot dead in a recording studio. She was only 21. The story can be found here------> http://www.todaystm j4.com/news/ local/10689016. html

I don't know why news like this really disturb me. Maybe it's the age factor of both victims and the violent matter in which they died. Both in their early twenties with lives that seem limitless. Yet no one is immune to death.

Well I'll think I'll stop here. Snickerdoodle needs me and I must get dinner on.

(Kinda long. Bare with me)

Over time it seems that I have gradually developed a dislike for the month of November.  A small part of it is the fact that the month serves as a reminder of the fast approaching holiday season.  Since the passing of my great-grandmother "Granny", my uncle Bug and my grandfather Henry,  the holiday seasons have never been the same. In another journal I kept, I use to reflect on how holidays were very festive, especially Thanksgiving over Granny's house. Our family use to combine with her husband's family and create this massive gathering. The good thing was, Granny and her husband had a nice size corner house in the heart of Anacostia that probably could be considered a brownstone of some sorts. Even Christmas was an exciting time as my mother would have Christmas Eve dinner at our house and on Christmas Day we would travel to my Aunt VJ's house (from my father's side) for Christmas Dinner.

What happened to all of this?  People die, people get older and tired of doing the same thing and the kids.. we get older and go our seperate ways.. perhaps spending time with a new extended family.

The other reason why I dislike November is in large part of what took place a year ago, my mother's stroke. Granted it was a mini stroke and she bounced right back, but to have witnessed it and not know what she experiencing at the time was very scary to me. Just like her, I naturally thought all off her symtoms were just attached to a bad cold or the flu.  Silly of us huh?  Though I've managed to regain confidence about my mother's health, this November brought on another scare.

Last Sunday my grandmother had some type of siezure. Aunt P called the house in a panic state and my father had to yell at her to try to get her to clam down and turn my grandmother on her side.  The ambulance was called and by the time my grandmother arrived at the hospital, her blood pressure was sky high... like 100 over 200 something. For a while she was stable until she had another episode.  This time it took on more like a stroke.  She complained about a severe headache  and she kept blacking out.  After two cat scans and some other test, the hosptial admitted her so she could have an MRI done.  Strokes don't show up on Cat Scans until like 24 - 48 hours later. MRIs usally give you a prompt response.

Yet miraculously, every test, incuding the MRI, that was done on my grandmother came up negative. It was showing that my grandmother was the perfect picture of health. She was able to come home on Tuesday. When I talk to her she is her normal self. Her memory isn't all that sharp, but she is still grandmother. She's a little weak and she is back on pressure medication - ( she suffered from high blood pressure years ago and decided to take herself off the medication back in the 60's.  We figured, all these years that she has been walking around thinking that she is okay, turns out she still had high BP and it took it's toll this past weekend.).

There was one other heart breaking news that my mother and I received a week or so before my grandmother's scare.  It was the death of our cousin Blanche.  Cousin Blanche was the only living relative from my paternal grandfather's (my mother's father) side. I didn't know about her until I was a preteen and she found my mother to inform her of the passing of her father. Blanche was already in her late 70's or early 80's when I came to know her. I loved her dearly.  I use to spend hours on the phone talking to her... about her life and that side of the family.  One conversation I remember having, I asked her about children.  I asked her did she have any.

"Chile, the Lord blesses some of us with children and there are some of us that may feel a bit less fortunate in that area.  I never had children, but that doesn't mean I didn't have fun trying!!!"

It was those kinds of statements from her that stood in my mind.  What upset me the most, as she got older there was a cousin from Blanche's mother side that was into deceiving her.  Blanche was hip to her game and at some point decided to "cut her off" in a way, but this didn't occur until around the time when the cousin decided to put her in a home.  My mother and I didn't even know Blanche was placed in a home until about a year after she had been there. The cousin tried to play the victim, but Blanche told the true story and felt she couldn't trust that cousin anymore. I would like to say my mother became the sole caregiver for Blanche, especially since she had this fondness and attachment to the both of us, but it didn't turn out that way.

One of Blanche's friend became a caregiver, as the lady sons were picking up Blanche to take her to the house for dinner and so forth and picking up her laundry.  However, that seemed to have stopped.  How long ago?  I'm not sure.  Apparently when my mother had gone to see her almost a week before she died, Blanche's roomate told her that no one comes to see Blanche. (My mother was going on a regular basis to see her, until she had her stroke) My mother noticed then that Blanche seemed weary... basically looking like death.  She was told that Blanche had stopped eating and just refused to take anything for norishment. 

In the end,  Blanche shut herself down. She had passed on a Saturday, but a phoen call didn't come to the house until that Monday or Tuesday. That's what pissed me off. My mother's number was the only relative number in Blanche's room, but they called the friend who had supposingly been taking care of Blanche. It was the lady's daughter that called the house days later instead of immediately. What gets me, we were on the only relatives she had contact information on.  She couldn't even get in touch with anyone from Blanche's other side of the family.  Still why did she wait so late to call?

In the midst of the news about Blanche and during my grandmother's episode, I kept thinking about life and about this belief that my family...mother's side.... has always spoke on. 

For every new life that is coming into this world, another is sacrificed.

It's something that my family has believed in for years and it has never failed. Everytime a relative dies, someone in the family is either pregnant or has just given birth.  My own entrance into this word is the perfect example. I was born around the time when my Aunt Willie died.  I was born on the day of her funeral. Her repast was more than a celebration of her life, but of my life as well.... so I am told.

Hearing about Blanche's death was a mixture of sadness and relief to me.  I was sad to see her go, but I knew she lived a full life and was relieved that she found her release. Then I wondered if Blanche's life was the sacrifice (of sorts) to the life I'm bringing into this world. Then with my grandmother's health start to plummet, I panicked.  One, I'm not ready for her to go yet.  Just as I was close to Granny, I'm very close to my grandmother.  Next to my mother, I need her now more than ever. Two, I was ready to pick a fight with God and wonder why he was snatching my grandmother from this life so abruptly. Besides he already has Blanche why did he need my grandmother?   Thankfully my panic attack subsided as quickly as it came on. I stayed calm the whole time in the hospital and said silent prayers for her.

By Thanksgiving, I let my worries and my fears go (I've also resigned from my job this week, which caused me to have another panic attack of some sort. Details in another entry later.) It was just the small gathering of us at my grandmother's ... my parents, little cousin Andre, Aunt P, Grandma, her husband Mr. D and Aunt P's boyfriend Jeff.  We gathered in a circle for prayer while holding hands and I almost began to burst out with tears, especially as my father prayed over the life I'm carrying.  I was holding my mother's hand and I felt her slightly squeeze mine. This was the assurance I needed.

Baby and me are going to be ok.

No matter what my family has put each other through, I still love the closeness we have. I'm thankful to be in such a family.