3 posts tagged “confessions”
Forgive me "father" for I have sinned it has been several days, maybe weeks, since my last confession.
I've been on a slight mission ever since I purchased a dress a week or so ago.
My mission...finding the perfect black patent leather clutch purse.
After my free oil change (thank you Mazda), I ended up at Target today and was very disappointed in their selection. Really... how hard can it be to find a nice black patent leather clutch bag without big silly bows? I know I'm a child of the 80s but DAMN!
COOOOOME OOOOOON!
I steered the cart away from that department, picked up a few items for the Snickerdoodle and landed in heaven.
My eyes lit up when I saw the stationary/card section.
Okay, I don't know what it is about me and greeting cards or stationary exactly. I don't even know when this addiction started. I have a fetish for pretty paper thingys. I literally have a collection of greeting cards that I have not given to anyone, because they are too pretty to give to just anyone.
Hey some people collect stamps.
Me....
I'm a pretty paper person.
I did manage to pick up a couple of Mother's Day cards that I will be giving to my mother and grandmother. I still have May birthday cards to pick up. oye!
Eventually the cards I have in my collection will go to someone... well.. I'm not too sure about the card with the glamour high heel (as pictured above). I simply adore that one. So if anyone gets it, they better damn sure appreciate it.
Anywho....
Needless to say, I caved to my greeting card addiction right there in the middle of Target. To hell with the clutch purse...for now.
On to Barnes & Noble.
My original mission with B&N was to pick up the May issue of Allure Magazine (I actually got the last copy! Did everyone know this was the annual "naked" issue?)
Again, I was in heaven.
1. I was in a freaking bookstore. I miss buying a book or two.
2. B&N has just about any pop culture and sub pop culture magazine you can think of. I'm a straight up glossy, airbrush, feature writing, artistic photography, quirky article, inspirational and motivational, 1,000 word count..... WHORE!
Along with Allure, I picked up two of my favs.
Black Book and Fader (oh I missed reading Fader!)
I also picked up the 2008 edition of Writer's Market! Oh how I NEED this as I scope out who to query for freelance projects and even further my search for a literary agent!
(Big Score for me!)
Also, I could not resist another Jennifer Weiner book.
OK! Stop! Hold it! The last book by Weiner that I actually own, read and loved was her first, Good In Bed. I could relate to that book on so many levels - and probably even more so now. Ironically I thought about that book last night. I had the urge to re-read it, but my butt was too lazy to get out of bed to hunt for it in my maze of boxes and such thanks to renovation inconvenience. I never got around to reading In Her Shoes, which I'm mad at myself for - since I wanted to read the book before seeing the movie. I didn't bother picking up Little Earthquakes, because after reading the synopsis I wasn't interested. However, today I just couldn't refuse her latest, Certain Girls. The story picks up where Good in Bed left off. So yes... if you are a Jennifer Weiner reader... Cannie Shapiro is back!
With nothing much more to say I would like to be excused now from today's confession. I'm eager to do some self assigned homework in drumming up some ideas, reading a chapter or two in The Purpose Driven Life and skim through my magazines while drinking some ice tea and wiggling my toes under my covers.
If there shall be a penance for my addictive ways let it be the Snickerdoodle refusing to sleep unless she curls up with me. I can handle that.
*Ironic I wanted to make this a confessional in light of The Pope being in town*
Field trip day for me and the Snickerdoodle.
Where?
Columbia, MD to hunt for bargains at Columbia Mall (Town Center)
By the way.. I get the feeling that town centers are the new malls like pink is the new black.
Aside from the Snickerdoodle racking up on spring/pre-summer wardrobe - thanks to sales at Macy's and JC Penny's (looove their Penny's children's department) - I did some heavy thinking on the way there.
For the past few days I've been wrestling with a thought.. or thoughts. I finally broke down and did some "girl talking" with Nisha - my bud/business partner in Miami. It helped a little, because I was finally able to verbalize my "confusion."
The deal?
I've been going back and forth in head about my future as far as a relationship goes and just dating period.
*deep breath*
It started a week or so ago. I started to have the usual bored feelings I get when I'm seeing someone - hence how I ended up with my epiphany last week. Things with Papi are moving along, but I can't help but wonder if this is it? I'm already comfortable and I don't feel like being bothered with the dating world. Yet, part of me is wondering if there is something better. I'm beginning to believe this is me; this is how I operate when it comes to anything in life. I always have to ask "Is there anything better?" I think a lot of that has to do with my feelings about "settling." I don't like to just "settle" on anything or for anyone.
Then there was the dream I had a few nights ago. The dream included my mother proclaiming she didn't like Papi after looking at his hands. His cuticles were rough and skin was ashy. Eventually I left my mother and Papi talking to each other as I stepped outside and ended up at some festival. Mr. S was also in the dream in which he came running after me, but I snapped (in a way) and told him that "I couldn't do this anymore." I'm leaving a lot of the details of the dream out because what baffled me the most were those key moments. I haven't spoken with Mr. S since October and I pretty much scrapped the idea of anything between us, especially as things move right along with Papi. Yet, I still can't shake Mr. S.
To make things clear, Mr.S and I never had anything going. We talked about it and perhaps flirted with the idea, but he kept pulling away answering to the call of his work and traveling all the time. Meanwhile, I was having emotional flashbacks of past experiences that was similar to our situation. So in the dream it was really no big shock that I came across as mean towards him. Yet he kept running after me.
In reality it's Papi who has been pursuing me and making time for me. Whereas, Mr. S ACTS or acted rather...as if he is interested in something more only to do opposite actions. It's pretty much a no brainer here, but I wish my subconscious would let it go. As for my mother not liking Papi in the dream just by looking at his hands, I'm not sure what that is about. If I remember and understand correctly, hands in dreams deal with responsibility. So maybe by his hands being rough and ashy he isn't owning up to something?
I have to look into the interpretation a bit more.
Eventually all of that led to thoughts about dating as a single parent in general.
Being a mother is a honor and blessing in itself. However, being a SINGLE mother is a bit scary. Being a SINGLE mother of a DAUGHTER is scarier. I verbalized this to Nisha and added that I don't want to be the naive mother you hear on the news whose boyfriend or new husband got to her child.
Nisha was quick to silence me in assuring me that I have enough God given sense to not attract such an element. Though I knew Nisha was right, all my brain saw were flashbacks of close friends of mine who were molested by their step fathers. What hurt them, hurt me. What hurt the most was realizing their mothers - who I had respect for and knew they had all of their God given senses in tact - turned a blind eye. They either were in deep denial because they were too in love with the man or just honestly didn't know. Again, I know that Nisha was right and I know myself; that I would not attract such an element, but still I wonder if this is every single mother's fear for her child(ren) or is it just me. After all, molesters/predators come in all cloths.
That's what scares me about dating. I can't just let any man interact with my daughter let alone come close to her. With Papi I do have some sense of trust. Mainly because he has two (quasi-former) stepsons (his ex-wife's children) whose lives he is still involved in. Based on the stories he and his sister shares about the boys, it's pretty clear that Papi does have some parenting sense. When it comes to the Snickerdoodle, Papi has only interacted with her a few times and was when she was a few months old.
So yes.. right now I feel comfortable.. but still wondering... is this it?
Curse this restless spirit of mine.
I think I'm going to start a blog series in which I feel the urge to confess random shit.
I Confess....
To crashing Papi's computer the other night by sending him a link via YouTube. His wussy system couldn't take the pressure.
Being a DJ groupie - not the low class radio DJs though. I mean hardcore, spinning underground tunes, rock star, international fame DJ.
Sticking popsicles in my glass of ginger ale. Try it!
Turns my Mazda into a BMW 745 while I drive - Who needs David Copperfield?
I usually ignore speed limit signs - just ask the city, state of Oxford, NC. -THANK GOD I got all of that straight!
Playing Lynard Skynard's extended version of "Freebird" repetively for hours on end just to hear the guitar riffs.
Not getting along well with Black Men in power..,..being urked by their arrogance - the ones who are and suddenly disown the verb/adjective "humble". I love my fellow Black brothers in the lead, but seriously some of yall have serious power trip issues.
Owns countless Cubic Zarcon...yaks - Bling Bling.
Slowly becoming a feminist.
Curses like a sailor at the oddest times
Wishes I could fling my neighbor's "Taco Bell" dog into outter space or at least stick something up its butt to make it shut up! For the record.. I'm a dog lover. I've owned two dogs in my lifetime (RIP Mickey and Max) and wish to have another. I just HATE my neighbor's dog which suffers from a Nepoleanic Complex.
Farted and blamed my daughter for it.
A bill collector called for me, I broke into a Spanish accent, posed as a relative and told the folks I had been deported back to the Dominican. Sad thing.. they believed me.
Really thinks my mayor (Adrian Fenty) looks like Bert from Bert & Ernie on Sesame Street.
Slightly does have penis envy - fuck it. I'll just get a strap on.
Threw that last confession in to see who would take me seriously.
It was me who jacked up the spin cycle on the washing machine when I tried to wash a goose feather bed padding. I'm an educated Black woman that has Blonde moments.....after a couple of glasses of Spiked Kool-Aid akak Arbor Mist.
Hates the nightclub Dream.. or Love .. or whatever it wants to be called, with a passion but will roll up in there in a heartbeat to see New Edition in concert. Yeah i did it .. and will gladly do it again!
Became star struck when I ran into a local TV news Anchor back in June, but rolled my eyes today (err yesterday) when I ran into Tigger at my local grocery store and immediately thought about the rumor going around about him. *sigh* Say it so Tig. Actually... you did on Jamie Foxx's show on Syrius Radio back in Dec.
Knew about Shirley Bassey before Kayne sampled her song and got extremely pissed DJ played Bassey's orignal Diamonds are Forever as if it were brand new.
Tired, but thinking of more things to fess up to.
