8 posts tagged “blog”
It seems that I've been forced to do some introspective thinking these past couple of days. It's pretty ironic, since I already feel as if I do anytime I put a pen to paper or even tap the keyboard to see my thoughts appear on a screen. Yet as take a breather in life I feel as if I have to have a conversation with myself and God concerning what's next for me or more importantly what is this phase in my life's journey about. What is there for me to learn, gain and possibly loose?
Granted, such thoughts have been in my head since the day I gave birth, but they seemed to have reappeared during this renovation process as I witness the house and my family go through a change. I laughed at myself the other day when I recently accepted an invite from a blog lurker on Yahoo 360. After accepting his invitation, it seemed in a matter of 24 hours he sent a message asking me to tell him something about myself. My response to him was,
"All you need to know is right there on the page."
At the time all I saw was a lurker turned virtual "friend" looking to be a potential reality confidant. Honestly, I don't have that kind of time nor energy especially with strange men trying to enter into my life with nothing more on the brain than scoring a potential booty call. What made me laugh after the fact was me asking myself the same thing.
"Tell me about yourself now."
Just the other day I was listening to Erykah Badu's latest CD, New Amerykah, in depth. I love Badu's music to death, but this latest really had to grow on me. It wasn't until Papi took me to see her last month that I now have a real appreciation for this new album. I loved it (better) live. However, there is one song that I've kept on repeat ever since I paid closer attention to the lyrics; the song "Me."
Everything around you see
The Ankhs, the wraps, the plus degrees
And yes even the mysteries
Its all me
Sometimes it hard to move you see
When you growing publicly
But if I have to chose between
I chose me
The same evening in which I was grooving to Badu, I logged onto Vox and saw the question of the day or a prompt. The prompt called for bloggers to revisit their first entry on Vox and reflect on any maturity between then and now. At the time I didn't jump at the chance to flip back through many blog pages on Vox to get to my first one. I knew what it was about and I knew EXACTLY what was going on in my life during the time I started writing in Vox.
My first entry was a mere introducing. Indeed I was no stranger to the blog world as I described myself as a blog whore. I was keeping several blogs (still do) as I felt lost at the time. I was "lost" because the one which I kept daily, held my thoughts from my hellish early 20 years and did some growing with was dead. It died thanks to a technological malfunction. Thankfully, I did have a majority of my writings from the site, but it was only what I had downloaded a year prior to the site death. So I had everything except that very last year that held my breaking point in which I did a major change.
The time when I joined Vox I was calming down from that major life change, but little did I know that another wave was on the way. Only a few entries in, did I learn I was pregnant. Perplexed and feeling a bit alone I felt even more lost than usual, but I managed to pull through.
Had 2 babies different dudes
And for them both my luv was true
This is my last interview, oooh
Hey there's me, ooh
This year I turned 36
Damn it seems it came so quick
My ass and legs have gotten thick yea
Its all me
Two years later, that second wave of change did occur. I'm in new territory. I became a single mother of one. Though it's been an internal battle, I'm a stay-at-home mother. Yet, I use my time wisely as I continue to write, consult and pitch freelance ideas or work on projects. I'm inching closer to 30. I'm definitely not 21 anymore, but a young and vibrant spirit won't die in me. My love for music fuels my fire or my hunger to be in the underground spot with the complex DJ venting through his mixes; where the gathering is all about the music. I'm a city girl who will get restless in the suburbs aka the fake city. I crave and live in the urban.
I use to pray to God above
But now Im filled with so much luv
But even if the world cant see
Its still me
Will I escape this vanity?
Or will I keep on smoking trees?
But I'll just let it go and be, be, be Me
Over the last year or so I've noticed how my friend/relationships have changed. I've gained new people. Lost a couple. Some friend/relationships may have become enhanced while others stayed the same or slid back to neutral. There were various reasons for each change in the dynamic, and I can guess that my growth may have affected each one in it's own way. The old me still lingers as it wants to dwell in the past to do its usual of analyzing the situation. Yet, the new me fights to keep moving. The new me seems to always win. However, each person that has come across my path does hold a special place in my heart; friend or foe.
The new me is "mommy conscience" as I take in who or what is and isn't mommy friendly. The old me still speaks to me when I contemplate on what to wear; heels a fashionable outfit and diaper bag. The new me gets scared when she sees her daughter crying and wanting relief from her eczema breakout. The old me comes through to make me act silly to make the Snickerdoodle smile. The new me realizes that dating isn't just for fun anymore. The new me embraces the thought of having a life long companion while being open to marriage.
The old me is my reminder of where I once was.
The new me is my light to help me see where I am going.
The old and new have merged, but for the greater good.
I still love God, Langston Hughes, Lynchburg Lemonades and girlie martinis, chocolate, the Tiffany & Co. Blue Hue, sex, falling in love, walking in the rain, watching Homer make an ass of himself, being in the midst of city foot traffic, being and feeling feminine, making my own way, brightening a stranger's day, making people feel special, picking the underdog, seeing things in a different light.
I'm learning and have developed a love for home decorating, tending to my daughter's ever changing needs and watching her grow, being domestic, and everything that will follow.
Physically I may have gained a few inches; slight buxom spillage, rounder tummy, slightly thicker thighs, but it's me.
As each day passes, I've been loving me a bit more.
I'm still imperfect yet it's me.
It's all me.
In not so recent days, a couple of people, actually one, has been wondering if I will ever hold a full fledge conversation with them again. I won't lie, there have been a few people I quasi-cut from my life. I don't have much (if any at all) contact with them anymore. I just choose to remain silent to each of them for different reasons. My silence has been worrisome on their part. I never really fully explained my silence just to say I was tired of explaining myself to them and/or they just never saw where I was coming from no matter how many times and how many angles I tried to get my point across. Their skull was just to thick to absorb the information.
I will admit, one person I randomly thought of so much that he contacted me out of the blue to pick up his stalkerish ways. I think I deserved that, since my mind was always wondering what happen to.....
Nevertheless he hasn't contacted me since that random day in January.
In my thinking and listening to the song "Never (Past Tense)" sung by Tina Arena, I was able to shoot some thoughts down in a matter of minutes. It's still a rough draft. I may tweak it a bit later on. However, I just felt like writing to those that I have chosen to remain silent to.
Maybe they will understand, especially one particular person.... he knows.
Silence
By Mahoganie
April 3, 2008
Washington, DC
My Silence
Itself
Is not for you to understand
Yet it is for you and I to stop
Where there is nothing left
To say
To give
To take
To love or live for
Each other
My Silence
Itself
Is not a signal of hate
It is my shield
For the rampart conceals me from
What is left of you
You still hide nearby
My Silence
Itself
Is my exhaust
For it is me working and seeking
My own existence
That was lost in you
My Silence
Itself
Is part me learning on
Loving me more
Is part you
Still haunted by what was
And What Became
My Silence
Itself
Is learning to listen
To a voice
Other than yours & my own
Living without noise
My Silence
Itself
May hurt
Yet it can never bare the many thorns
Which you secretly used against me
My scars ran deep
Causing utter blindness
My reality became a fallacy
We were a fairytale
My Silence
Is mine
Self-inflicted
So,
With no excuses
With no shame
With no blame
Silent I shall remain.
Dear Reader,
It's very rare that I address something specifically for you. Depending on how long you have stuck with me through my twisted true life tales, you know by now that normally I shoot off my thoughts without even thinking about you. Writing has always been some form of self medicated therapy and when I became a blog whore....
WHOA NELLY!
Needless to say, when I caught on to you I was taken aback that you would be so interested in my little corner of the world. However, I came to a (perhaps) sad realization yesterday. While I continuosly write entry after entry and you are compelled to give me your feedback, I don't necessarily do the same for you.
I suck. This I know.
It's not that I don't care or appreciate you. It's just that.. honestly... I'm too wrapped up in my own world right now. Between the recent death of my cousin, connecting with relatives on both sides of my family, chasing after a one year old, writing and embracing the next phase in my life I'm pretty much on the go. I try to journey to your thoughts every now and then, but hey.. I've developed Adult ADD in the last few months.
Ever wonder how left handed people drive stick shifts in America?
Sorry.. see.. thoughts are jumping
Oh crapola I need to do a dry run to this place in Falls Church
Seeeeeee... there it goes again.
okay.. so what I am trying to say is..
I know how some readers are sensitive to the fact that they read and comment in your blog. Then they turn around and write in their own and expect you to do the same for them and some will get hopping mad if you don't... as if you are ignoring them.
Okay some can't lie.. they are stalkers. Ew!
Oh My Gawd! I found my old journal via Blogger ->>>>>>>>>> Komplex Phemale
Seee.. There goes that ADD again...
Anyways... gotta go.
To my reader(s)... Thanks you are still appreciated. I'll stop by soon.
A few minutes ago, in the midst of my shower, I had an epiphany.
My life (somewhat) maybe taking a twist just as Tracy Chambers.
The Original Mahogany:
Tracy (Diana Ross) was an aspiring fashion designer, who worked a mundane job as a buyer's assistant for a large mid to upper scale department store. She went to fashion school at night and marketed her fashions during her spare time to local designers - none of which were feeling her designs and even offering her jobs as their secretary. Along the way she meets Brian (Billy Dee Williams) an up and coming politican running for alderman. A mini love story ensues. However, she finds herself working within his campaign for a while. Of course the old concept of putting-her-dreams-on-the-back-burner-to-help-her-man became evident, but it was suddenly interrupted. As expected an opportunity of a lifetime is presented to Tracy and she made no hesitation about jumping on it.
Off to Europe to persue her fashion goals she went, leaving behind Brian to try and fulfill his dream alone.
The Revamped: Mahoganie v2.0;
Despite my previous and current experience as a writer/journalist life is at a standstill right now. It's growing harder and harder for me to knock down walls and break down doors. I've been making a lot of noise, but I'm not sure if my voice has been loud enough thus far.
I've enjoyed the time I am having benig home to take care of my daughter. There's nothing like watching your kid grow right before your eyes and you being there to help them along the way. Yet, mommy needs to get out and be active again to improve upon what we already have.
Those that have been reading me for a while know that my family has been politically active on the local level; more so my parents as I've been involved just enough to get my feet wet, make a few introductions and keep going. Yet this time I'm being asked to be in this full throttle. YA is up for re-election for her council seat. She's pretty much a shoe-in as she is running unopposed and so far the constituients in our ward do like her and like the service she has done so far. It's interesting that my family is well known throughout her camp, because when my parents are absent from the scene of things I can brace myself for the flooded back to back phone calls and even emails asking if everyone is ok.
Right now, if I should choose to accept the mission, my capacity in the campaign would be as her scheduler. I'm not sure if she'll come to me, as before, for light editing/proofreading help. Though being a scheduler isn't such a glamorous task, I can say that it would have its perks.
1. I'll get paid
2. The office isn't far from the house
3. I could drag the Snickerdoodle with me if I wanted to
4. Hopefully, I can make more connections
5. I could set my hours
I still plan to handle my writing (thing) on the side... freelance ... pitch ideas like crazy...continue my search for liteary agent.
(sidenote: As a writer I am realizing that as much as I love DC and have a lot of pride being a native Washingtonian, this city lacks creativity. Washington, DC is soooooooooooo political that for a creative person like me, we basically have to carve our own niche', because creative outlets here are far and few. Politics just run this city and basically you would have to turn to the underground world for the misfits, bohemians, etc. etc.)
I'm banking on making that right connection that could fit me in full time to something that I want to do. I'm sorry. I'll admit. After working that assistant editor job, I realized.. that is what I need to be doing. This is what I'm suppose to be doing. I was happy while doing it, despite its challenges and my dysfunctional "relationship" with my boss, Mr. Yellow. I loved it. Yes, sometimes I sort of do regret leaving it behind because of the dysfuntional crap. However, I do realize in the long run I did the right thing.
When I was first presented with this mission, I really did turn my nose up at it. Because immediately I thought "failure" to myself. Despite everything that I've gained professionally, my mind reverted back to my days in the Federal government when I was just an admin person silently screaming. I went through a lot mentally, emotionally and spiritually to "find myself" and realized that working a straight 9 to 5 wasn't for me, at least not within the Federal government. However, I did say, if I were to return to the government I would do so by way of the Smithsonian, because they aren't as formal and drab as the rest. Yet, even in my efforts to become part of the Smithsonian family as a writer/editor for any of their various publications - even having my resume reviewed in the final panel - I was shot down. My theory, because I don't have my Bachelors (which I'm trying to remedy asap)
Still, right now I need some "change" in my pocketbook so the Snickerdoodle and I can do our thing. So I'm working on swallowing my pride and accepting this task, while keeping the faith and hope for something in my realm to come my way...all the while waiting for Howard to send my enrollment package to so I can complete this final year and officially be declared "graduate".
Like Tracy, I'm sure if an opportunity of a lifetime comes by, I won't let it slip. However, unlike Tracy I will have the courtesy to bid YA ado before leaving. You gotta admit, Diana did Billy wrong to just up and leave at a moments notice. No note or nothing.
In the meantime, I'm tearing the house up looking for my mother's copy of "The Purpose Driven Life." I think I'm ready to face up to it and read it now. Before, I couldn't get caught up in the freenzy over this book. Now the thought and the urge of wanting to read this book has just been attacking me lately. If need be, I'll just check it out of the libray.
Yesterday I stumbled upon an old gospel favorite, Richard Smallwood, by way of Sharon B's blog. I grew up listening to his music and even performing some of his songs with my elementary and high school choirs. I became an even greater fan when I realized he is a fellow DC native and I knew his tailor - the tailor designed some clothes for my mom.
Thoughout his music career, there is only one song that can manage to bring me to tears everytime I hear it.
"Angels"
I would play the song out to death. I feel sorry for the casette tape. I think I wore out the wheels. Nevertheless, I ended up crying again yesterday. After viewing the clip of Smallwood and the group Vision performing "Total Praise" (another beautiful song) on Sharon's blog, I searched You Tube (of all places) to find Angels. What's even more amazing is.. after spewing my own thoughts yesterday about avoiding my birthday, I received a comment from my friend WOE. I had to smile and nod as I knew she was right and the comment was a reminder of what I suddenly forgot.
WOE:
"Can't figure out what the big deal is. I understand not necessarily being where you want to be, I think being a good parent is one of the best things you could EVER do in life, but there is still time to do so much, why trip about what's inevitable, with God's grace?"
I want to thank WOE and Sharon B for the reminders. So today.. I want to dedicate "Angels" by Richard Smallwood with Vision to you.
Also, as always.. Thank you Lord for presenting reminders.
*getting kleenex*
Okay, I'm starting this entry off with Blondie music because I wanted to. Also, I was inspired after seeing Goapele perform a reprise of the song. What is a bit scary to note - GOAPELE SOUNDED JUST LIKE BLONDIE; that is pre Blondie's "gracefully aged voice." (I have nothing but love for Blondie.. LOVE HER - Yes.. I LIKE BLONDIE) We're talking disco ball, voice, the works
Honestly, I don't know what to say about last night's show. I DID enjoy it, yet I feel like something was missing.. maybe it wasn't long enough for me. She performed a variety of abut 5 to 6 songs, but most of them were morphed together.. to it almost came out like 3 or 4. Aside from her own songs (can't remember their names at the moment) - and yes she did perform Closer - Goapele broke out with Sam Cooke's "A Change Gone Come," which sent a bit of chill down my spine... then again that may have been Papi tugging at my shirt to get my attention then. She also did a short stint with Roy Ayer's "We Live In Brooklyn" and "Everybody Loves the Sunshine" of course which the audience were blown away and felt the need to sing with her.. including me..
"Just bees and things and flowers..... my life, my life, my life, my life in the sunshine. Everybody loves the sunshine. Folks get down in the sunshine. Folks get brown in the sunshine."
What was a bit of a shock to me was her hair. I had no idea she had done away with her dreads (I'm sure I'm super late on that news) and is now rocking a braided short mohawk look. I tried to take a nice photo, but my poor digital camera (the Pentax, not the sickly Casio) couldn't adjust to the lighting, especially from where I was standing. I guess it serves me right as well. Seconds after snapping the picture, a friendly staffer politly told me..yall know...
NO FLASH PHOTO!
Wouldn't it be cool if I could make that blink right about now? I use to know that coding.
I smiled, and tucked my camera away. For the rest of the show I just stayed right under Papi (it's not as perverted as it may sound)
(note: If you can actually see Papi's pic above.. that means you are in the priviledge circle. Otherwise... sorry)
Outside of Goapele's performance there was plenty to observe. From the barefoot blonde chic standing next to me, to a lesbian couple drying humping next to Papi. Gotta love it! Oh and the opening act.. Franklin Bridge, a band that was featured on the TV Show American's Next Band. Actually they weren't bad at all. They did have some original music, but when the lead dude broke out with his redention of Bobby Brown's "Every Little Step" Umm some of the notes weren't right...weren't right at all. Obbviously the band was pretty psych'd (spell check that) anyways because it was their first real gig.
Nothing much to say about the evening after the show. Of course Papi and I went to a late night diner for grub and chit chat...that I think lasted until about 4am. Perhaps, I'll reflect on that privately. When I got home my Snickerdoodle immediately woke up. I guess she wanted me to tell her all about my evening - a mother's work is never ending. I placed her in bed with me with a warm bottle of milk. I gabbed with her for a minute until we both fell asleep.
I guess I should also note that I spoke too soon about Lupe Fiasco in the last entry. He IS coming back to DC and soon I might add. The show is Jan 30th, and joining him are other artists like Eric Roberson, Martin Luther and some others. The line up seems like mad musical energy and I just about LOVE all the artists listed. If not Papi, perhaps I'll sucker my brother into going with me - *yes Chuck I'm looking in your direction* - We haven't done our bro/sis thing in a minute.
The Snickerdoodle is calling for me, and as you know... this concludes this entry.
In closing - in the words of Joe Piscopo as Frank Sinatra singing Silent Night on Saturday Night Live....
"Silent night, holy night.
It's okay, everything's bright..
'round that virgin chick, she had a kid.
Who grew up to be famous.. you all know what he did.
Sleep! It's quiet in heaven!
Sleep! Heavenly peace."
Good night virtual friends.
This isn't much of a blog, but it will mostly likely be my last one for a while.
Yesterday I had some sort of an epiphany on a concept for NaNoWriMo. I figured out what I want to write about and HOW. It may not be a genuis idea (depending on how skilled I am at crafting this work of art), but hopefully my work won't be in vain. Eventually, whatever I produce from this and depending on how well it turns out, I would love to pursue further by getting it published.
(wasn't that a long sentence?)
Anywho, I got the time.... errrr.. ummm
I'm squeezing in the time.. and I believe I can do this.
Maybe I'll cheat and squeeze in a blog about any paticular observations or share the link to my NaNo page so you all can get a sneak peek into the novel.
Before I go (for the month): I do want to say that though I didn't take my Snickerdoodle trick or treating last night, I took her to church. My church had a "Hallelujah Night" for the youth department. Kids got to see a video, play carnival games (for candy) and so much more. My Snickerdoodle even won a door prize.... a DVD of an animated version of "A Christmas Carol" with Whoopie Goldberg as one of the voices featured. Believe it or not, she had fun being around the other kids.. even though Snickerdoodle can fully walk just yet.
I won't even talk about the candy....
How does a 7 month old with no teeth end up with bags of candy?
I have pictures, but I really don't want to post them on a blog since they have faces of other children. Though I know (most) of the kids pictured, I just have a thing about certain levels of privacy and such when it comes to those sort of things. All I need i for a computer savy adult to stroll upon my blog and go "heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey that's so and so's kid!"
It's one thing when I share my snickerdoodle with the world (even I'm a bit leery about that) but another's child
Nope!
Not gonna happen - unless I have permission.
Okay..
Well I have a freelance consultant project to finish up before I hit the NaNoWriMo mood button...
I know I shared this yesterday.. but I love this song so much.. cause it makes me laugh and it's just stuck in my head.
Until December...
Take Care..
Love
Mahoganie aka BreathingDiamond.
I was working on a poem or perhaps a prose when I decided to log onto to the computer. I did my usual of logging into my instant messenger, then my several email accounts when I came upon a message left by one of m yahoo 360 blog readers. Though I use vox as my regular blog, with the occassional hidden entries so my faithful "neighbors" can read the more intimate me, 360 is merely used for reposting public entries. I've contemplated before on being a bit more open on 360, but I never felt THAT comfortable with it. Besides 360 is literally the whole seven degrees of knowing someone. IT IS one big complete circle, which in a lot of ways is a bit of a drama magnet.
Somehow I managed to stay off the virtual drama path. Yet, in reading this person's message it became clear that while I don't discuss every intimate detail as I may do behind doors on Vox, I still give enough in which people can "see" me. The message actually made my day sorta speak. It's teh second one of it's kind that I have received in a week's time.
Sent To: Mahoganie
just passin' thru...
just wanted to drop a line or two and tell you how much i enjoyed reading your blogs. i checked out a few of them and i must say...you really write well. i can visualize everything you say. had me hanging on your words like like i was at a poetry recital...lol. you remind me of me when i FIRST started on 360. i banged out some classic blogs. thats when i used to write for ME, but somewhere along the line, as more and more people began commenting and/or looking forward to my writings, i lost focus...and started writing for others, instead of just writing for the enjoyment of doing so. anyway, words aside, you take great pics, your daughter is a QUEEN in the making, and your brother rant on kanye was funny as hell. though i disagree with him not being a real MC...lol. anyway, just wanted to come through, give props and show you some locally grown love. mad respect to ya sis...muah!
I must say that anytime I receive a message like that I get a little shy... and even more humble. I don't profess to be the greatest writer in the world, especially since I have my days when everything I put down is grammatically riddled with errors. However, I love notes like these because they do encourage me more in all that I do and trying to do where writing is concerned.
I will address the fact that I have heard many people who have blogs say that when they first started it was something just for them, and they wrote more honestly and openly about their life. However it changed when they noticed they had an audience. With me I would like to think it's a bit different. Most of the time I write like no one is watching or will ever read it. I say what I feel and how I feel it, with no regrets. Though I have found that a few (and I do mean just a few. 1-2-3) have felt hurt behind my words after reading it in my blog, I still feel no faults, especially if it was not a malicious attack on the person. I tell MY truths, MY feelings, MY emotions, what I am going through.... which may not be what some may want to know, especially if it JUST from MY point of view.
When I started my very first blog, it was right on time. I was in the midst of trying to figure my own life out. I needed an outlet. Writing has ALWAYS been my outlet. Writing is my therapy. I guess in this day in age, keeping a blog was the next step up from the hundreds of bound journals I've half kept up with in my lifetime. Somehow I've remained true to myself by saying honestly how I feel and saying exactly what I mean.
Though I'm flattered that people do find my life to be interesting enough to indulge in its details, really me and this blogging thing.... is just another way for me to hash out some thoughts. From time to time I may entertain the masses with some thought about what I saw in the news, in the world or just what I couldn't believe I heard my next door neighbor say to her dog. Yet, through this blogging journey I've been on since 2002 at least I've seen growth within me and I'm happy for those that have stuck with me to watch me grow.
To my readers - (Oh gawd this sounds like a cheap thanks to my fans kinda thing) - thank you for watching me grow. Now watch me grow further...........
