Today I received an interesting surprise.

Upon logging onto Twitter, one of my follows posted a link to the online magazine Clutch. The article talks about turning 30, from a woman's point of view. I found it to be fitting or right on time for me this morning. Since Howard's graduation on Mother's Day weekend, I've been feeling a bit weird. Aside from what has been going with my grandmother, I have also had time to think about graduation and how pratically I'm at the point where I can say "This is it!."

Granted I'm not really a graduate just yet. I still have one more semester to go. However, this year I avoided graduation again, but saw the aftermath in lew of pictures online from classmates.

(side note: I did learn that my name was called during a graduation exercise for the school of communications. However, it is believed that was a mix up and really another person with my name that was called but spelled differently)

In the past, graduations have always brought feelings of depression. I felt like I had failed, simply because I let another year go by without finishing my undergrad. Actually the year that Oprah spoke (2006?) was the first time I didn't avoid graduation since attending the school. Her message spoke volumns (as if she should be a minister) as she talked about being motivated and staying motivated in doing what God has called you to do. Basically.. act on your calling, don't just sit on it. 

I didn't feel depressed this year. The end of the semester felt bittersweet. I felt sad because I actually was going to miss the bonds I created in such a short time over the semester. Granted this class is younger than me, but when we all worked together and shared that same passion for journalism I truly felt at home.. at peace. So as I looked at their pictures as they were dressed in smiles and in their cap and gown I got to wondering about my own fate... destiny... my life.

So in a matter of months I will be 30. One of the things I'm most anxious about is finally finishing something that I set out to do many moons ago; school. By my advisor's calculations I can either finish in December and walk in May with the class of 2010, for finish completely (internship and all) by May and be a 2010 graduate. Either way, by or AT 30 I will be done with undergrad.  I try my best not to look back on the "what ifs," but that's a hard thing to do. I can sit here and say I was suppose to be this, this and that by 30, but I honestly believe there is a reason or a hidden agenda behind me being 29, a single mom, still in school and even still living at home with my parents for right now.

I love how the Clutch article was written, because it seems that it was me; a female struggling to gain her peice of the "pie" while living out her dreams and God's plan for her. As in her article she mentions that she isn't going to act as if she is all "zen-like-at-peace" with her struggles, but she understands that there is a reason for it and that 30, is the time to tighten up, take hold, walk through and deal. No excuses. 

Funny thing is, I use to feel like I'm such ahead of my time, especially age wise, but I think it has finally caught up with me.

I am 29 going on 30.

Yet I'm still wondering what's next for me.

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Via Clutch Magazine.....

30 Rocks?

Birthdaygirl

The past week was a crazy one, but I managed to get through it. As usual, the renovations are kicking up another notch. Tile has been "installed" in the kitchen area and currently the contractors are working on the kitchen cabinets. This has only been the tip of the madness with them. Everywhere I turn there are people. People in the rooms upstairs, downstairs and even outside. Outside is a different story. A neighbor, two doors up from me, was having drainage issues that needed the city's hand in fixing it. Sewage back up. YUCK! So the city has been digging up the street and sidewalk(s) to correct things...including digging up my neighbor's yard with a backhole.. and today they have the backhole again to dig up another neighbor's yard.

So basically, anytime I leave off my street everything feels like paradise.

Speaking of paradise, the weather has been hauntingly gorgeous. I say "hauntingly" because it feels like this is the calm before some big storm. I hope not. I like snow, but not truly fond of it. I feel like if it is gonna snow, dump a good 10 feet to STOP EVERYTHING.  I don't like the wimpy snow. I actually laughed when President Obama made fun of us. Actually the city schools were open, it was more of the private and suburban institutions that closed during the first brink of snow and little bit of ice. On one hand I understand it, considering the neighboring mountain areas. On the other hand I just get irritated when I hear the word snow. I got things to do and wimpy snow just seems to bring out the worse in commuters and such.

Still, I'm greatful for this mild weather in February, especially on my birthday weekend. Speaking of my birthday... I think I over did it on my budget. Ok not that I think, I KNOW I did. Not that I went out and bought something very extravagent, but the items that I bought were on sale. However, even sale items add up.  Though my actual birthday was yesterday (Sunday) I wanted to look nice for my birthday outing (this past Saturday). Originally I thought I was going to have a small gathering of friends and family at Coco Sala, a chocolate bar/lounge downtown that I'm completely in love with. I went back and forth about it, until I figured that I'll save the party for next year (the Big 3-0) - that is if I decide to stay in town - and just have a intimate time with Papi. So it was just him and I at Coco Sala. He loved it! Everything we ordered included chocolate, well except for my Shrimp Mac & Cheese and my drink called a Disia, which is a pear martini. However the chocolate three course platter/dessert meal was good, esepcially the chocolate bon bons.

So to prep for Saturday, I went and did the usual girlie thing of a manicure and pedicure. For some reason I was stuck on the color red and managed to find a pair of red heels (on sale) at my favorite shoe store, Aldo and a pair of earrings and received a 10% discount. I couldn't find anything new red, like a dress or a top. So I settled for this cream/canvas shirt from New York and Company (also on sale) and eventually wore jeans with it and carried my red Fossil purse I already had. I won't even mention my "need" for shea butter. I usually pick up my favorite scented shea butter from my favorite local vendor at Eastern Market. However he has been hard to catch up with nowadays. So I made a trip to the new Carol's Daughter (love her products) store and got the next best thing, her Jamaican Punch Shea Souffle'.  In the midst of "birthday shopping" I had to get a few necessities for the Snickerdoodle, so I'm pretty sure my budget is out the window.

Even more so now since at the end of my T-Mobile verses Verizon Wireless "dilemma," I went ahead and activated my Verizon account. For the greater good of my budget I was trying to stick with T-Mobile, but in the end they couldn't get it right as far as re-activing my account and so forth. Since Verizon had shipped me the new Blackberry (the one I wanted in the first place) and as Thursday approached I really needed a means of communication, I opened the box and that's all she wrote. So I'm gonna suck it up and pay the slightly higher bill than I'm normally used to. I'm not complain too much. As stated in the previous entry, I love Verizon Wireless' service. I was itching to rejoin them. Just have to bite the Blackberry monthly plan bullet.

So I mentioned that I needed a means of communication on Thursday. Thursday by far was the craziest day this semester. I'm not sure why, but I volunteered to interview a R&B singer for a local (DC/Bmore) newspaper.  The word got around on Tuesday, that the publication needed people to do a profile on the "celebs" that would be a part of a Hip-Hop, HIV/AIDS awareness symposium panel. Without much thinking I volunteered to do a story on one of the celebs and actually I'm pretty proud of myself and glad I did.

The symposium was very moving as two of the women on the panel are AIDS survivors..living with AIDS. A few things touched a nerve with me that I feel really compelled to pitch a story from an angle that was brought up. The Superficial-ness of "supporting' AIDS. Model Melyssa Ford was a part of the panel and talked openingly how she often feels that with a lot of these so-called celebrity charity events, the cause gets lost, because everyone is there to party. Everyone wants to party but not really take a look a the cause. I collected contact info on one of the other ladies featured. A well known New York publicist to the rappers and so forth who was diagnoised with AIDS a few years ago. I must do a story based on some of the comments she made.

While there, I thought enough to go get tested for HIV. Honestly it was something I had been wanting to do for the longest time. Just never got around to do it.  Unfortunately I still didn't do it while at the symposium. I kept looking over into the room where it was going on and said that I would go as soon as everything was over. The timing was so off. I was scheduled to interview the R&B singer after the symposium, but I had to sit through it cause of the townhall style meeting. I had to take notes and catch a few quotes from the singer during the meeting.  Yet after it was all said and done, I missed my chance to get tested.

Papi and I have talked about this openingly. No doubt he had to get tested on a regular basis, being in the military. However, I didn't know him in his military life. So I never saw the results. I'm sure in all the blood work I had done while pregnant, HIV came up or else I'm SURE the hospital would have brought up the issue of my blood transfusion if there was a problem in my blood. Maybe I wouldn't have had the unknown transfusion during my labor.  I'm thinking I would like for Papi and I to do this together. He wouldn't mind it, but I think deep down I'm scared shitless, which is why I believe I let the excuse of "the job" get in the way on Thursday.  

Still, it's something I need to do.

Nevertheless, the interview with the R&B singer went well. I hope my article is just as well if not better. I suspect it's in the editor's hands now, but I was also informed... not only is this going into their publication but their sister news service affiliations - as in more than one.  

Big deal?

Yes...no... maybe.

IMGP0426

Ten years ago this year I graduated from high school.

My next door neighbor "K" is a senior at my alma mata.  Ironically her aunt is the music/choir instructor there - thanks in part to my mom who told her about the opening during my freshman year when the janky instructor at the time was being a bit of a scatter brain.

Lately I've been taking a special notice in K.  It's hard to believe she is the same "girl" who would stick up under her aunt during our choir rehearsals. This is same chic that would get a kick out of my father's antics and would bring him a small token back from her family vacation. In a way I've unspokenly called her my little sis, especially since her schooling sorta followed in my foot steps.  Aside from  high school, she also attended the same elementary/jr high I attended.

Nevertheless, I've taken some joy or delight in watching K grow up before my eyes. I've figured this must be what it felt like for my long time neighbors to watch me grow in front of them. Proud and filled with a sense of pride. I'm even more excited for K as prom time is coming up. By my calculations (and if the school still runs on the same "graduation schedule") prom should either be this weekend or next. Graduation should be three weeks away.

In silently traveling the senior year journey with K, I can't help but to revisit some of my own feelings about my high school experience, especially as my class reunion is set for July. A couple of inquires have been sent to me via email or MySpace asking if I will be in attendance. I answered an old friend back via MySpace by telling her that most likely not. I hope to be doing some traveling around that time.  Another old friend, who I was close with back then and reconnected with via the internet, is a part of the committee. She's been keeping me informed of what's what - not to mention the postcard mailer and the reunion package sent to my house.  Then just the other day, a third friend sent me an email asking would I be there. I haven't responded.

My feelings about high school are very indifferent. Yes, there are a few people I would love to see again - mainly the few folks that survived high school with me. However, I really didn't like high school.  It was a Catholic institution with a diverse group of students but majority Black. We were probably considered the most (or perhaps one of the) ghetto schools in the Archdiocese. I say that in light of some of the "upper crust Catholic schools" I battled with on the tennis court during my time on the varsity tennis team. A lot of us (students) came from a decent background or home life and yet I still didn't like the school. For a while I use to think it was because of the people in the school. Something about everyone urk'd my very nature. I use to think "this one" was too childish or "that one" was spoiled beyond belief. I hated the cliques that presented itself during freshman and sophomore year and believe me by junior year I found myself shaking my head at a lot of dissovled friendships. 

No. I wasn't any kind of outcast or some reject that everyone ignored. No, I wasn't popular, but I had friends and I got along with most.  I stayed quite, only trusting a couple, and even then I wasn't all that telling. I was active in choir, tennis and was delighted when I did the photography class and helped out with the year book. Being an aspiring writer, I even helped to come up with something (a passage) to be painted on the school's shed (it's a senior tradition to paint the shed reflecting the school and class spirit of the current senior class)

Still I couldn't stomach high school. I now realize I was expriencing a (perhaps) pre mature growing pain... or maybe not. I blame my Aquarius nature - the wise beyond years "fluff" - because I was soooooooo ready to move on to the next phase of my life. By then I was working part-time in the federal government and I was looking forward to college..more so the (so-called) going away part of college. High school, though it had its excitement, bored me and frustrated me.  Also, I was partially "home-sick," meaning I was missing my "REAL" classmates that I had literally grown up with from Pre-k to 8th grade and desperately tried to stay in contact with. I managed to hold onto one, who after to all these years she still calls me her best friend and I do the same - even in our time of open space as we grew into adulthood.  

It was eneivitable. I was growing up. No turning back.

By my senior year I was in my own world. I still managed to function in school, but slightly talking less to my friends, which prompted some of them to wonder what was up with me and even lightly tease me for being so... "aloof."

After the research paper, finals, prom and graduation I was rid of "them." The class of 1998.

Every once in a while I would bump into someone. On my college campus. At my old OBGYN. At a grocery store. At Ben's Chilli Bowl @ 4 am after a night of clubbing. At the club. Online. On the subway train to work. At the mall.

Then MySpace happened.

(Curse Tom for creating such a daft site)

I won't lie. I was curious to know who turned out to be what and doing what close to ten years later. I sent  a couple of request. Virtually befriended some. Some sent a request to me. Perhaps a few I was shocked that they remembered me. I approved their request. Then some time later I began to get a funny feeling.  It was almost as if I were back in high school again. However, that feeling wasn't just contained to my old classmates, it was really for the whole site.

Then 2008 rolled in with announcements on the reunion.

When the talks first developed about the reunion, for a minute (just a minute) I contemplated on my attendance. Would I really care to see these folks again? In all honesty, no. Other than the couple of friendships from high school that managed to maintain after, I have no connection to my old classmates.

I feel "aloof" again as the excitement around the reunion builds.

I'm sure it will be a swell time for those involved, but I wish to do other things.

High school is so past tense in my book.

Mahoganie Phone Photo March 2006

With only about a week to go, I feel like I'm facing dooms day. Before last week I was frequently forgetting my approaching birthday. So many thoughts at once consuming me, when did I have time to think about such an event? Besides, I'm too worried about what I'm going to do for the Snickerdoodle's first birthday taking place in March. Yet, as subtle reminders are coming at me from all angles - friends asking me what's up, family members asking me if I want them to keep the Snickerdoodle so I can go out, sly remarks about growing old, hearing T making plans for her own birthday - I'm forced to face it.

February THE 8th.

So what's the big deal? I'm not quite 30 yet, but I'm past the 25 mark. I'm not so sure why my body or my mind is not trying to own up to this day. Today I Finally I noticed how I'm avoiding THE 8th like the plague. Today when I thought about my birthday a strange feeling come over me and I suddenly felt a little choked or suffocated. Actually it was more like a jolt within my insides and my heart started to pump a little faster causing my breaths to feel a lil choppy - hence the sudden choked up feeling. Do I need to see a cardiologist or am I on the verge of a panic attack?

What's crazy is, a few weeks ago I left a comment on a blog entry of one of my fellow readers. She seemed a bit lament about turning 50. In so many words I told her to feel blessed about her age, especially since she has a spirit of aging gracefully. It's crazy because, there I was a 20 something year old encouraging someone who is 30 something years her senior about her age - telling her to embrace it with love.  Yet, I'm avoiding mine for whatever reason and can't seem to grasps the notion that time is not standing still for me.

For the last few years I've been living a life of ... well... living. However, I wonder how much living am I actually doing?

I hate it when I fall into the rut of examining things I've done and things I can do but haven't done.  Of course the best course of action is to.. well TAKE ACTION. In my case, I've taken action but have left many things undone. I would like to think I'm the gal who finishes what she starts. However, I'm scared that it may be all fluff with me. Suddenly I feel this inner fear that what if I'm the gal with all these big ideas and dreams in her head, but it turns out I'm the exact person that I've been fighting not to become.

The person being... the average chic that is out here with just a 9 to 5, comes home, tends to her child, pays bills, goes out once in a blue moon (for special occasions only) and just living day to day.. not really living to her full potential.

This fear, sadly, didn't just come about. I believe it has always been here, but it's starting to rear its ugly head at this point in my life.

After reading the current issue of Essence Magazine with Tyra Banks on the cover, I have soooo much respect for Tyra. Even though the article is not real in depth about what Tyra is experiencing at this current point in time of her life, I appreciate some of her comments, especially concerning what has been a motivation behind all that she does. Basically she says it's her fear that pushes her to the point where it's as if she HAS to work as hard as she does. What's her fear? I gather from when she briefly talked about her background; how her parents got a divorce and her father kept the house, leaving her mother with two kids to live in a small 2 bedroom apartment in South Central Los Angeles. Her mother slept on the living room floor - Trya's fear is going back to having no type of security from the one she has built for herself.

My respect for Tyra comes from her insistence of turning her fear into a motivation. I'm sure I can do with the same with this nagging fear or fears that plague me. However, with the respect I have for her, I don't want my life to make a slight fill-in-a-void turn. Within the article, Tyra also mentions how since she has moved to New York she does feel a sense of loneliness. During the day she is working and interacting with a lot of people, but when the lights and cameras are off she goes home alone to no one.

Loneliness is totally a different topic altogether for me. For the most part I believe I have it licked, being that I don't indulge and wallow in it like I use to, by seeking a filler for the void. Still, loneliness does creep in every once in a blue moon, and of course it's not a good feeling. Tears somehow find a way to flow real freely during those points.

Where was I going with this entry?

Well.. back to my birthday... I'm not sure how I want to celebrate this one, if at all.  I was just on my instant messenger having a conversation with Rah. I was telling her that I finally realized what I would like to have as a gift.

A make over...

A couple of new outfits, with some nice shoes.

A day at the spa for a hot stone massage and a good facial, with a pedicure and manicure to boot.

A fresh hair style. 

Rah: "awww that would be nice for u"

Indeed it would be... if only I can stop trying to avoid it.

On a somewhat related note:

I read my horoscope for today.

Aquarius:

Quickie:
Deal with your deep feelings about your career. Talk to someone who's been there.

Overview:
Reach out to someone you don't know very well -- or with whom you've been feuding. Today brings just the right energy to make strong connections with those who are far removed from your daily life.

Interesting to say the least. Part of what I vox'd about just now has to deal with my feelings on being "this" writer.   

Balloons

In talking with Suga Mama tonight she reminded me of my upcoming birthday.

What was sorta surprising was my immediate reaction to the mention of my birthday.

My inner thoughts: "Riiiiight I do have a birthday coming up. Opps!"

I've been so consumed with other thoughts lately, that I honestly forgot that in three weeks I'll be celebrating the big....(drum roll)........

2-8

Ok, so I'm still not quite 30. Therefore I really don't feel the need to go all out.

I'm not even sure what I want to do. Normally I try to get away from the area by traveling somewhere, even if it is only an hour outside of the city. However, this is a luxury I temporarily can't afford at the moment.

I would like to see Jill Scott again in March (two more shows were added). However, I'm not too sure about that and even still I won't be hurting if I didn't get to see her. I've seen her before in concert. She is awesome. I'm still savoring that experience.

Any who... I have a reason for not thinking about my birthday this year. The Snickerdoodle will be celebrating her first a month after mine. I still haven't the slightest clue about what to do for her.

As for me, I might take Suga Mama up on her offer to celebrate my birthday a couple of weeks early. Next Friday is suppose to be a small happy hour gathering for a mutual friend's birthday - talk about an Aquarius good ole time.

Anyways... what's so great about turning 28?

When I find out.. I'll be sure to let the world know.

FutureSex / LoveSounds

Justin Timberlake

It's a little past 11 at night. Nothing in particular is on my mind as I sit back and listen to my Justin Timberlake cd. Yes, I still buy cds. Yes I like Justin. I think this album is a step up and a lot better than the first, even though that song "Summer Love" urks me for some reason. Maybe it's too bubble gum-ish for me.

I'm happy to report my father is 95% normal. The bactera infection is clearing. The swelling in his hands and feet has reduced. He's able to walk without a cane.

My mother checked on my grandmother today and she is just about back to her normal self. My day with her yesterday was a bit of a riot as she was being a bit stubborn. I was that nice-firm with her, so she paid attention to me much better than my aunt - that is until she was refusing to take some medication that cost $87. She figured if it was costing her $87 she wanted to know what it was and what would it do for her. I'm shocked that CVS doesn't provide an info pamphlet on prescriptions. I thought all pharmacies did that. I guess not. Nevertheless, after a threat to "Shady Pines" and a firm "YOU WILL TAKE YOUR MEDICATION" she did.

I'm a bit at ease at the moment. My feet are bit cold, but that's because I don't feel like going back into my room to get my fuzzy wuzzies... or this furry socks I wear around the house to keep my feet warm.

My Aunt VJ called this evening to verbally invite us to Christmas dinner. (by the way Chuck.. if you see this you're invited as well HA!) However, I believe we are going out of town again, so we'll miss out. I actually had a nice conversation with Aunt VJ. I got a brief summary of how things are going on that end and I gave her one as well.

For some reason I like that breakdown at the end of Justin's "Lovestoned." Something about it..make me reflect a bit.. I don't know.

Remember the days of a cassette player or the turntables? Ever just rewind or place the needle on the exact groove of a certain part of a song.. the breakdown.. a verse.. the bridge.. just because it was the most important part to you.. it was the be all and end all?

Lift Your Head Up High
And Scream Out To The World
I Know I Am Someone
And Let The Truth Unfurl
No One Can Hurt You Now
Because You Know What's True
Yes, I Believe In Me
So You Believe In You
Help Me Sing It, Ma Ma Se,
Ma Ma Sa, Ma Ma Coo Sa
Ma Ma Se, Ma Ma Sa,
Ma Ma Coo Sa
- Michael Jackson "Wanna Be Starting Something"

Maybe after Justin I'll pop in Jill Scott's newest CD.

I'm inspired to write at the moment. Full ..complete thoughts, that make sense, haven't rolled out yet. Just fragments and some run ons.

Something like...

The room fell silent and all that was left was our synchronized breaths. In an instant as if the loudness of silence was killing her, she turned to him and urgently spoke, "I'm a silly girl."

Tonight I'm starting my search for something that is coming up in February. Other than my birthday, my cousin T's birthday is the day right after mine. While I won't quite make the 30 year mark (I'm pushing it though) T will be 30. So she is having an old style cabaret with a 1920s theme.

Billie_holliday

I'm not sure what I'll wear. I keep thinking the simple "little black dress" that was started by CoCo Chanel in the 1920s, find a nice wig that reflects the 20s/30s and do a Billie Holiday with a flower pinned in the hair.

If I knew I had enough time I would have probably asked T to make me a dress. However I figured she is swamped with her designs already for school and God knows whatever else.

I need to call T and bounce some ideas off of her.

Speaking of turning 30.. I'm not sure what I will do when I get there. I keep thinking of an anthology themed party... some like my friend Kel had a few years back. Her party reflected all of her 35 years of living, especially within the music - house music that fused music she grew up with. It was truly unique and I loved her party.

Right after Feb I have to gear up for my daugher's birthday... her FIRST! Who knows what I'll do for her.

My Goodness... she's nearing the homestretch of her first year!!

I think I babbled enough. Think I'll go on this 1920s hunt.

I feel as if I'm being a bit incognito on the web the past couple of days.

A comment here and there... maybe.

Perhaps even engaging in an interesting conversation on my instant messager... that is if I feel like talking.

Mostly, it's been me.. doing the usual web stuff.

Emails checks, blog checks and maybe surf for a new site or two.

Tomorrow is D-Day.. for me.

D as in Do or Die?

I meet with the staff of the non-profit I met a week or two ago. Again, this is for the communications position that is more like a Public Relations/Development position. I'm itching for this job, because I sense more growth in this whole writing realm.  I'm almost sure I have this job, but you know what they say... don't count your chickens before they hatch. Tomorrow's meeting is a mere panel screening I have to go through.

I really don't feel like wearing a suit tomorrow, especially if it is going to be as hot and humid as it has been lately.

In the meantime... I've been trying to shift my nervous excitement away from tomorrow's meeting to other things I have to look forward to.

1. My cousin's wedding invitation came in the mail last weekend. My mother booked the reservations for her usual vila spot in the resort along Myrtle Beach. Talks of the wedding in Myrtle Beach have been buzzing more this week. I'm actually excited about going. I'm just hoping if I do secure a job before then, my superiors will understand these prior plans. I will only be gone for a Thursday-Monday.  Not bad right?

2. August is rapidly approaching and my dysfunctional band of friends and I will have our annual weekend get together. I highly doubt I'll do the full weekend. Actually I prefer to be sorta alone... at least that is how I'm feeling at the moment. I'm sure if Suga Mama sees this she will give me the evil eye. (hahahaha) Thought I am a bit excited to see everyone, I still rather be in a corner.. just observing the weekend "madness."

Sometimes it's good to be quiet. You can miss a lot when you are in the midst of noise.  

I've been hearing and reading a lot lately about how Mercury is in retrograde. Though I've heard this term before, I was not aware of its full meaning or what it can do until now. Basically during a retrograde period (it's all cosmic astrology stuff here) it's a sort of shift in life in which there is a chance for us to slow down a bit. We tend to turn inward to allow some much needed sould searching, perhaps to prepare for come kind of change in life that will be taking over.

As further explain by Robert Wilkinson;

"When a planet goes retrograde, the areas of life that it symbolizes need to be re-examined. It is metaphorically an in-breathing or dreaming, a retracing and reexamining of steps already traversed, digesting and assimilating previous experience…. This is a time when we can examine the effect that our personal subconscious and the Collective Unconscious has upon us…"

Apparently this retrograde is currently in Cancer's spotlight. As explained by the site DeepAstrology;

"At this Mercury Retrograde in Cancer, we may get a second chance to understand the connection between our emotions and our ability to communicate."

Note: I guess I should mention that it has been also noted that during a Mercury retrograde machinary, electronics, and means of communication can breakdown as well. Why? I have no clue. At least I know that Pepco (DC area electric company) can blame the massive power surge that has been taking place for weeks on the retrograde. Thanks to amped up power, massive powerages have taken place throughout the city, leaving some folks having to replace all of their electronics. Lucky for me, after the power was restored all I had to replace was ONE cable box. It was going bad anyways.

Okay.. I'm explaining all of this because.....

I'm blaming the retrograde for my obsessive analyzing behavior that I've been doing for almost a month. What have I been obsessing about?

EVERYTHING!!!!

1. how I'm going to make ends meet between jobs which should be easy right... freelance. I don't mind the freelancing.. I just want something steady, especially since the freelancing gigs aren't coming fast enough for me...unless I'm approaching them all wrong? How I long for the day when I'm approached or sought out more than what I am at the moment.

2. In reading another blog, I feel inspired to blab about the falsehoods of motherhood. Whatever I may blab I just may pitch it to a publication. What do I have to vent about with this? Well two things. Remember how I was pregnant and it irritated me to pick up one of those baby or pregnancy magazines and see the whole nuclear family concept being shoved in my face?  No one in the articles or ads represented me and probably a majority of the females out here.... single moms! The other concept caught my attention as I read Babble's entry on how pop culture tend to make the idea of motherhood all peaches and cream but showing the usual images of priviledge or celebrity white female figures who are quasi single moms.

To think, just last night I felt shitty because I was tired and wanted some me time, but Taylor cried and cried. She wouldn't sleep. I had a major attitude because it felt like one of those moments when you are finally hit with a high beam of light or experienced a blunt force blow to the head with a hard hitting fact. As I've said over and over, I love my child, but trying to find a balance between your child's needs and wants with your own is HARD, especially if you are someone like me....selfish but willing to give at the same time.

Crazy ain't it?

3. Then there is the whole matters of the heart thing.

Black Love Signs : An Astrological Guide to Passion, Romance and Relationships for African American

Thelma Balfour

The other night I found my book by Thelma Balfour, "Sexy Black Sun Signs." It's a zodiac love compatibility guide specifically with the African American audience in mind. Sometimes I flip through it for laughs more any kind of insight. Thanks to the other astrology books in my collection I'm well aware of my sign as an Aquarius female. Just in case you are curious and never bothered to understand an Aquarius woman, especially from my portion of the cosmic rock here are some snippets.

"Aquarius Woman is usually drawn to careers that put her where there are masses of people because she rules the 11th house, friends or organizations. You may also find her in careers that have to do with media or careers that ultilize her technological gifts."

"She likely attracted to a man who is overbearing, arrogant, outrageous and probably manical. She imagines this type of man lacks love and is full of himelf; therefore she is free to pursue her independent ways. Even though her relationships seem dispassionate, she is the perfect example of the 'woman who loved too much.' Aquarius woman is not a bit clingy, because she is the most freedom loving sign. "  (taken from Dr. Stanley)

"If you are in love with a woman in this zodiac be prepared to be very happy or be very sorry.

Even she acts confident, she mostly feel lonely and alone. If she breaks up with someone, she won't show any emotion even deep down inside she is in pain and agony. Not for long she will come back to be the cheery and merry person again, because she looks at the world positively and has faith in the word "Love". She has more men friends than women friends, so do not be a jealous type if you date her. She could be slightly jealous, but she hates jealous guy.

She is a straight forward type, so if she does not love you anymore, she will just tell you straight to your face. If she is with you when you get sick, she will certainly take care and look after you, even look after you mean "small loan". Do not keep secrets from her, she hates it and really can offend her badly. When she is sad, be understanding. When she is happy, be happy for her, she loves that. You will not get bore with this type of girl.

Someone who is close to her will know that deep down beneath that confident and cold hearted person, she is just as fragile as any woman. She is a fun and talkative person and she likes to tease you. " (taken from this site)  

I always get a kick out of what the so called stars have prewritten for me went it comes to dealing with men of the other signs.

Supposingly I go well with 

Geminis, Libras, Aries, Sagittarius, Pisces

I've been a faithful friend for years to one particular gemini guy, Mr. MID. I wish I could explain the whole thing, but really.. what's to explain? I've had at least two serious relationships and both were with Libra men. the first Libra wasn't a total disaster as we have remained good friends. The other... I sometimes wish I could forget that he ever existed,but can't since I had his kid.  I had a Sag lover through out my junior high years.. my Jamaican-American.. Rude Bwoy! 

I'm suppose to stay away from men that are..

Leos, Taurus, Scorpios, Cancers

I pretty much stay away fro such... with the exception Leos and the cassional Cancer i may attract (Blah)

I may have a 50/50 chance with...

Virgos and  Capricorns

Lately.. I'm going "What the hell is this?" as I continue to talk or get to know  Papi... a capricorn.

Again I say all of this because....

This whole retrograde has thrown my emotions out of whack when it comes to men and what I want from that someone special.  In dealing with Papi... I'm all about analyzing instead of doing the one thing that Erin and I constantly tell each other... JUST BE! Hence why I'm dealing with rocket science at the moment.

I think I've babbled enuff for today...

I just made my head hurt with this entry.

Even though the room isn't complete, my body is.

I'm so done with being pregnant.

My back and thigh muscles were so bad yesterday, I almost found myself in tears. It's not a piercing pain, but that dull pain that is aggrevating because it stops you from sleeping and walking around. I did walk around the house yesterday and reverted back to my ballet days by doing a plie' every now and then to work my thigh muscles.

Did I mention that my frequent bathroom breaks are getting worse? 

I was struck by an interesting conversation with one of my male friends. Part of me wanted to totally dismiss his little comment about him missing me, but the other part wanted to hear him out. As I told him in the conversation, it's very rare that I see a serious side to him.  I'm not sure if he took offense to that or not.  Yet I carried the conversation on with a nonchalant attitude, because after a while I realized.....he is still him and the way I've been feeling lately.. I don't want to be bothered.

Another male friend, Mr. Sigma, who resides in Miami has me pissed and concerned at the same time. He called last night to check my progress, but when I asked about his health he started to go into his little song and dance, but that's only when he is in denial. He only stayed that way for less than a minute, I guess realizing I wouldn't fall for it. Soon it came out, his diabetes is acting up again. His sugar level is ridiculously high. He continues to blame it on all the medications he is on, plus the insulin intake.  I don't know what it is, but it pisses me off because he gets in these moods where he doesn't care if he lives or dies. He's young! Still has a life to live. He is only in his early 30's. Thankfully he wasn't it too much of that kind of a mood last night. Actually, he started to say he didn't care (again), but stopped short and said how he had to be around to at least see Toodles. Sometimes I wish I had the balls and enough energy to hop on a flight first thing to Miami and slap the crap out of him when he gets that way. 

Contractors came by the house this evening to look at the yard space and the house. I guess my mother is really going to do it. Expand! To think how much the property value would really go up after the upgrades. I'm sure it's already up there with the house being all brick, three levels with the [unfinished] attic and a brick walkway.

Still, I want to own my own house. Hopfully, prayerfully I'll see this around 2009 into 2010. Yet, the only thing that sucks about DC law is... you can own the house, but not the land the house sits on. It has something to do with this city being a Federal District and some other mumble jumble. *sigh*

Taxation Without Representation....

The Georgetown Hoyas are in the Final Four. Too bad I can't really be in on the celebrations like I want. To think my brother and I could have gone to a bar or something to watch the game. Hmm I wonder what Chuck did anyways... did he even watch the game? 

In talking with my sister today, she's contemplating a move to Charlotte, NC.  Nothing is set in stone. Just thoughts in her head for now. I guess Charlotte is the place to be eh? Sorry I wouldn't be caught dead living in NC. I'm just a straight up city chic.

The NC DMV still hasn't posted my payment for reinstatement. I'm still showing up in the DMV National Registry as being a suspended driver in the state of NC. I was told to check back this Wednesday. It SHOULD be posted with my name cleared by then.   Can I please get my license renewed before going into labor?

Today was a day away from Ghettoville, but my first two calls of the morning came from my co-workers wondering if I had Toodles.  I may go into work tomorrow.  I may not.

I made an orange flavored poundcake. Not bad at all.

I'm praying that things go smoothly at the doc's on Wed along with the sonogram reading. Toodles better be okay.

(Mental Note to Self: try to locate a copy of the Liberator Magazine in which my piece was featured for this month's issue.)

03 Aquarius Rising

Sy Smith

“I stay cool under pressure when others might pop; I cherish tradition yet (I’m) unorthodox, yeah… I’m ruled by the misconstrued god of the sky, consider me wild but I always aim high. I’m unpredictable and so out-of-step, ahead of my time and bent on intellect. I’m a sucka for anything breaking new ground, turned on so much by adventurous sound.” (Lyrics from “Aquarius Rising” by Sy Smith)

 

 

Birthdaygirl

I honestly thought no one gave a damn about me today. Don't ask. Maybe it was my hornomones playing tricks on me. Afterall I kept telling meyself.. it's no big deal.  Though I wasn't tripping about my birthday this year, I still anticipated people calling me like they do every year to wish me a happy day. Today the calls were far and few and so were the text messages, but by the time I came home and began to check my emails, tears came to my eyes.

They were surprise email greetings and e-cards one after another. Surely I was not expecting it, especially my mother's "Email Party" she had for me.  Apparently she had emailed friends and family that are near and far to email me a greeting or two for a surprise email birthday party. I appreciate every sentiment I read today, even the humorous ones. 

All in all, my birthday was quite interesting.  My day in Ghettoville, USA aka The Housing Authority seemed to have dragged on, but the good company and humorous conversation of my fellow co-workers kept me entertained as usual.  I didn't even let some drama queen of a ghetto bunny deter my day as she fumed on and on about a microwave that me and my co-workers were using on the floor.  Seriously, the situation is so petty I don't even feel like getting into.  Just to say that.. I didn't stoop down to her loud mouth, eye rolling, thriving off an audience level.  I figured... I'm too old for this crap and honestly.. I just don't have the energy to even "get down" like that.  I will say she attempted to apologize in her own little way, but it really went in one ear and out the other with me.  I tuned her out.

I did managed to speak with the folks at the Congressional Quarterly.  As I figured, they were calling about one of the editor positions I applied for. Now I have an interview scheduled for next Wednensday (Valentine's Day) with them. I also spoke with the other placement agency that called me yesterday.  It was concerning an editorial specialist position with a trade association.  The lady assured me that I was the perfect fit and she was desperate for me to meet with her and the client.  However, I was upfront with her and told her my main concern.... being hired so close to my due date. When she told me that the client was looking for someone ASAP, I asked her if it would be okay if the job could start out as part time.  Then after the baby.. I am willing to return to work in a full time compacity sometime in late April or the beginning of May.  At first she tried to tell me know and was quick to give me that usual rhetoric about how she would keep my resume on file and blah blah blah.  Then she doulbed back and said she would ask the client on my behalf especially since my resume is on point for the position.  So you best believe I will be keeping tabs on this lady and this opportunity.

Birthday Strawberry Shortcake

Aside from me coming home to cry at my emails, my parents called me downstairs so they could hand me their gifts.  There were more lovely cards, minus any money (Insert cheesy funny laugh icon here), a few blouses from Lane Bryant that will fit me and my rounder belly carrying "Toodles" and a lovely strawberry shortcake.  I think every year I tried to get at least a a slice if not a whole cake of strawberry shortcake for my birthday.  Well.. either strawberries or something chocolately (yum).

Even though i didn't receive what I originally wanted... the pregnancy massage and tickets to see Savion Glover... I feel pretty filled right now.  I managed to see 27 years and even though it's still odd for me at the moment, I'm carrying life. I don't know what else I could ask for.. aside from anything materialistic.

I wll say, that even though I feel as though I had a blessed day, I do feel sadden by the sudden and tragic death of Anna Nicole Smith.  It's painfully obvious that she was still gieving over the loss of her son. I was one of the curious folks fixated on her reality show when it was on, but I kinda understood Anna....KIND OF!  One thing that was for certain on that show, no matter how looney or loopy she presented herself to be in public, on camera and so forth.. she was VERY close to her son. So I knew automatically that his death would come to her just as hard.

My mind is telling me that she commited suicide. Yet, I wonder if she even thought about her 8 month old daughter at the time.  Did she even want to be a mother anymore after the loss of her son? I just wish I knew.. what was in her mind moments before she died.