Tired...
In awe...
Blessed...
I'm not sure where to begin to talking about what has taken place this weekend. Today's climax with TWO church services was the icing on the proverbial cake.
Though I basically write my blog reflections for myself - providing that years later I will look back on these virtual pages and go "What was I thinking?" - I doubt that my visible and invisible readers are interested in knowing how the renovations have started.. well just some wiring work. The electricity was shut off for much of the day on Saturday while the electrician toiled away. Everyone was out and about running their errands in the midst of crazy traffic. DC had a lot going on this weekend and I was caught in it.. from the National Marathon, to the Cherry Blossom festival and later on when I dropped my folks off at the National's exhibition baseball game in the opening of the new ballpark.
Yet.. all of that is not the real crux of my thought.
My agenda for this weekend was to mainly celebrate life.. my Snickerdoodle's life.
Today she is a year old.
However, in the midst of my daughter's birthday, a life suddenly was taken by the grace of God.
My immediate cousin Richard... whom we affectionately called "Cuz."
In other journals that I've kept, I've referred to Cuz in reference to 9/11. He was a pilot for American Airlines and everyone was concerned about him in the midst of the horrific events of that day. His plane was destined for California. However, he was already up in the air when the hijackings and crashings were taking place. He was grounded in Texas, which was good for him since he has relatives there.
While it is obvious that his time to leave this life wasn't during 9/11, it is painful to know this time was the right time. As the "story" goes. He was diagnosed with cancer this past Nov. I'm not sure what type or how far advanced it was. All I know is, he apparently took a turn for the worse this past week and quietly passed away yesterday morning at the age of 41, leaving behind one 13 year old son we call "Penta."
Yesterday, I was pretty much in shock about the news. 1) I hadn't seen Cuz in a couple of years and I wasn't sure how to feel since I wasn't THAT close to him, he was....is still family. 2) I didn't know he had cancer.
Needless to say I pressed on with today.
It was already on my agenda to go with my family to hear my Aunt VJ preach. She has been a minister in training at her church and today was her initial sermon with a presentation for her to received her license. The whole thing about my Aunt VJ preaching wasn't a total shock because I knew that she has been working on this for a while. However, after today I see my aunt in a different light now. As of recent I would joke about Aunt VJ being a "Battle Ax," and how going to her house was like suburbia hell for me since becoming an adult with all my married and family oriented cousins around me... the single still in school.. (the sorta) gone astray chic.
I will be the first say, I'm EXTREMELY proud of my Aunt VJ and how well she preached today, especially in light of Cuz's death who is her (step) son. When I saw my family today, we were all in good spirits, but we were mostly concerned about Uncle Rich (Cuz's father/ Aunt VJ's husband). Uncle Rich is a strong, proud man. A wonderful father! I've always admired him..dispite the fact he is republican (hehehe). Uncle Rich gets emotional and he isn't too proud to show it. So even at the mention of Cuz during service today... and even during Uncle Rich's dedication and Aunt VJ giving her praise thanks to Cuz...
The family broke down.
My tears broke loose.
Cuz's presence was felt.
Yet, in the midst of his death... we still celebrated life.
Aunt VJ preached form the Old Testament.. Deuteronomy Chapter 30 --- mainly focusing on verse 19.
"I call heaven and earth to record this day against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed (your children) may live." - KJV
Aunt VJ preached from the perspective of how folks can be the walking dead - living a life under the wrong spirit and allowing unnecessary suffering to enter. Choosing God allows life and light to come into your life and bring an unfounded peace. Life is different when you have divine peace. For me, her message actually coincided with my pastor's message from today - about unlikely candidates of being used/blessed by God. Earlier in the day I attended my own church and was hit with a reaffirming message that my life does have a purpose. Also, that pain is a part of life and the blessing in pain or hitting a deeper low is being built up. He used the analogy of tall buildings having a deeper foundation in order for it to be supported properly and able to withstand the strength it is built upon.
With the two sermons today, I was able to knock down some discouraging thoughts I had earlier in the week about my life. I had allowed some unsettling thoughts come in and I began to question some overall decisions I've made and perhaps having regrets. Yet, in that particular time I didn't stop to think about the blessings that have been delivered unto me, especially in regards to my daughter. I'll admit, sometimes I'm quick to forget how much of a blessing she is to me , because all I see were mistakes I've made in which she became the end result. Even though my daughter, in all of her beauty and innocence, is the love of my life and really can't imagine myself without her since her arrival, I still have a hard time forgetting and forgiving myself and even her father for what WAS, because situations could have been avoided altogether.
It's a process that I've been working on resolving from within. However I can go "would've, could've should've" all I want, but maybe this whole experience of being a single mom was in the cards for me all along. Hearing my cousin LaJaun (who is also studying to become a minister) giving her thanks to her mom, Aunt VJ and small testimony about being the "product" of a 16 year old mother, I felt encouraged. So, despite the blues I felt during the past week or so, I choose to live.
Being around my family today (or any other time) I’m always filled with some sense of being whole. Even with this side of my family – my father’s side – we’re close, but not close. There is a broken connection somewhere and I use to get on everyone for not calling from time to time to say hello. Ironically it was my Uncle Mike who did that this time around. However, as he criticized my father for not being in touch, in the same token he hasn’t been, nor Aunt VJ. From the looks of things, it seems as if Uncle Mike and Aunt VJ’s clans have gelled together in the past couple of years; and still only calling my father and Aunt J in Seattle when something “special” is going on.
Honestly, I’ll admit, while the desire is there for me to draw my family closer, I haven’t made any attempts myself. My dream has always been to buy a house and have regular gatherings with my family (from both sides) in my house, even being a host to Aunt J when she comes to DC to visit so she won’t have to worry about staying with my cousin LaJuan all the time or in a hotel.
Work with the connection still needs to be done.
Aside from the "shadow of death" and other feelings, the Snickerdoodle had a very good first birthday. It may seem a bit unconventional to forego a birthday party and just spend time with the family and in church all day, but she enjoyed it. Just before leaving the house to see Aunt VJ, I iced up a cupcake that I made with chocolate frosting, lit her candle, and the family gathered to sing “Happy Birthday.” She dug into her cupcake…with a little help from me and of course got chocolate all over her face and hands – thankfully not on her “Sunday Best!!!!”
During Aunt VJ service, I was nervous because I didn’t know how the Snickerdoodle would hold up; being that it was close to her dinner time. She was a bit busy or fidgety, but she handled it well. Thankfully, all of us went to a nearby Old Country Buffet for dinner and the Snickerdoodle was started to get fussy then, but her food shut her up. The birthday wasn’t quite over, as my Aunt Edith and my mother told the staff that today was the Snickerdoodle birthday.
Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Ten minutes later the staff made a big announcement and everyone in the place was singing happy birthday to the Snickerdoodle.
Note: I wish my camera was working properly at the time to catch the Snickerdoodle’s face. The look she gave was hilarious as if to say “Why is everyone singing and looking at me?” My camera briefly went on the brink as some of the Snickerdoodle’s milk got in between lens and made it sticky. It started working properly again once I got home.
It’s after ten in the evening and it sounds as if the Snickerdoodle is tuckered out.
*Pause to check*
The party girl hasn’t crashed just yet, but it is coming.
I think I feel my crash coming too.
It's the Snickerdoodle's birthday weekend.
I'm completely in awe at what has transpired in a year.
I still get jitters when I look into the future and wonder what is ahead for the both of us.
She learns from me and I from her.
My guess is, we'll probably end up like the Gillmore Girls....with a twist.
Well I hope.
The weekend is pretty full , but there is no big fan fare or anything of that nature for her first birthday. I figure I have plenty of time to make this up in future birthdays.
With so much going on, especially as the contractors FINALLY begin to start construction on the renovation, there will be just a be a simple and quiet moment in between traveling to and fro.
A cake with a decorative Winnie the Pooh candle and family.
Ms. (In) Dependent
By Mahoganie
March 2008
Washington, DC
Ms. (In) Dependent
Decided to get up and this morning and walk
With her destination unknown
Off she went
Cruising a narrow corridor
Exploring
A tapestry of clothing
A mountain range of dressers
Dusty peaks of exquisite smells
I watched from afar as she grabbed a loeg of the old night stand
Balance and Confindence gained within
She looked back as if to say
"Don't fret. I got this!"
She passed a hill of old drop socks
Navigating her way through a maze of Donald Pliner, Ferragamo and Naturalizer boxes
Finally reaching a resting place
Grandma's bed
I couldn't help but to get a twinkle in my eye
My pride
For she is like me
In search of some kind of destiny
Child like Mother
Mother like child
for so long I was a melody
In search of the perfect lyric
God must have bionic hearing
Out of the ash of love confused with lust
he delivered my song
My better half
A life lyric helping to create the ultimate love song
I am her
She is me
My Aries wild child
To my calm Aquarian breeze.
Energy astound
"When you get blue, I feel it too."
Child like mother
Mother like child
Same (In) dependence
Feeding off a source in order to grow to be free
Wanting to explor the world
Even at an age so mild.
I think I'm going to start a blog series in which I feel the urge to confess random shit.
I Confess....
To crashing Papi's computer the other night by sending him a link via YouTube. His wussy system couldn't take the pressure.
Being a DJ groupie - not the low class radio DJs though. I mean hardcore, spinning underground tunes, rock star, international fame DJ.
Sticking popsicles in my glass of ginger ale. Try it!
Turns my Mazda into a BMW 745 while I drive - Who needs David Copperfield?
I usually ignore speed limit signs - just ask the city, state of Oxford, NC. -THANK GOD I got all of that straight!
Playing Lynard Skynard's extended version of "Freebird" repetively for hours on end just to hear the guitar riffs.
Not getting along well with Black Men in power..,..being urked by their arrogance - the ones who are and suddenly disown the verb/adjective "humble". I love my fellow Black brothers in the lead, but seriously some of yall have serious power trip issues.
Owns countless Cubic Zarcon...yaks - Bling Bling.
Slowly becoming a feminist.
Curses like a sailor at the oddest times
Wishes I could fling my neighbor's "Taco Bell" dog into outter space or at least stick something up its butt to make it shut up! For the record.. I'm a dog lover. I've owned two dogs in my lifetime (RIP Mickey and Max) and wish to have another. I just HATE my neighbor's dog which suffers from a Nepoleanic Complex.
Farted and blamed my daughter for it.
A bill collector called for me, I broke into a Spanish accent, posed as a relative and told the folks I had been deported back to the Dominican. Sad thing.. they believed me.
Really thinks my mayor (Adrian Fenty) looks like Bert from Bert & Ernie on Sesame Street.
Slightly does have penis envy - fuck it. I'll just get a strap on.
Threw that last confession in to see who would take me seriously.
It was me who jacked up the spin cycle on the washing machine when I tried to wash a goose feather bed padding. I'm an educated Black woman that has Blonde moments.....after a couple of glasses of Spiked Kool-Aid akak Arbor Mist.
Hates the nightclub Dream.. or Love .. or whatever it wants to be called, with a passion but will roll up in there in a heartbeat to see New Edition in concert. Yeah i did it .. and will gladly do it again!
Became star struck when I ran into a local TV news Anchor back in June, but rolled my eyes today (err yesterday) when I ran into Tigger at my local grocery store and immediately thought about the rumor going around about him. *sigh* Say it so Tig. Actually... you did on Jamie Foxx's show on Syrius Radio back in Dec.
Knew about Shirley Bassey before Kayne sampled her song and got extremely pissed DJ played Bassey's orignal Diamonds are Forever as if it were brand new.
Tired, but thinking of more things to fess up to.
I was looking for a Natalie Dee comic to coincide with my random thoughts for today. Needless to say I stumbled along something in her archives that just made me choke on my own saliva; a drawing of her husband "murdering" Michael Jackson's Billie Jean.
Random Thought # 1
I'm waaaay overdue for a Pap test. Being a woman seems so inconvient and disturbing when you think about a visit to the OBGYN.
Any man out here wanna take my piping and my OBGYN?
Random Thought #2
I pondered last night if I'm too much of the world to make a full connection with my spirituality. Well maybe not too much of the world...I'm just... I don't know what is the word or phrase I'm looking for. Hmmm. I'm not an atheist. I'm a bit quirky. I try to see beauty in everything. While I don't glamorize illegal drug use, I can sympathize and perhaps understand a bit why someone would abuse it. A large part of me wants to break free from anything and just totally let go of any inhibitions I have. While I do attend church, it's only on the Sundays when I feel the need to or just basically when I feel up to it
Was I over churched as a kid; especially in attending religious schools all my life?
What is really going on with me spiritually?
Random Thought #3
I really do hurt for some men out here. The ones who have been taken for granted and are really top picks of the liter. In talking with Papi and other male friends, none have ever felt appreciated or even had partners that took the time to pamper or cater to them for at least a day. They were always the givers, and eventually got took some kind of a way. As a giver (and there are some of us ladies who give) I have felt the sting as well of being taken for granted. That was mainly due to a bad choice on my part to give to someone who didn't deserve it. Yet, when I asked my friends and Papi would they know what they want if given the opportunity to be treated for a day in and outside of the bedroom, no one could fully answer. One guy even asked me for suggestions of what she should look/ask for.
Have we females become so jaded about love or who we are "dating/seeing" that we feel we are entitled to being the receiver constantly?
Random Thought #4
Out of a lil boredom and tired of being referred to as the anti-socialable MySpace Nazi, I revamped my MySpace page a bit. I will say, the song I selected kicks arse! (opps! Irish accent slipped)
But seriously, who really pays attention to me on MySpace anyways?
Random Thought #5
After.................. (okay I can't think of the exact number) of year with my online writing group, I'm thinking about leaving. The group doesn't "feed" my anymore. There are more "off topics," posted than anything pertaining to writing. I've been thinking about it for a while. I don't feel "at home" anymore. It is one of the rare online communities that I have found to be drama free, but sometimes I wonder. I probably won't leave altogether, just change my membership to receive a digest of the latest happenings.
Speaking to self right now ----> Honestly, are you still benefiting from the group?
It's Sunday. Easter Sunday to be exact.
Perhaps I should be running around here helter skelter trying to get myself and the Snickerdoodle ready for church. Instead I'm fighting back a cold/allergies that has been attacking me since late (this past) Tuesday. It would be easier for me to blame Papi for giving me cooties when we went out on Monday to "honor" St. Patrick's Day, but for real it was cold out and I went outside in the night air without a proper coat.
*insert Homer Simpson D'oh image*
It's pretty safe to say my weekend was spent mostly in bed being "doped" up on Benadryl with a box of Girl Scout Cookies nearby - Samoas - and my favorite antidote - a tall glass of ginger ale with a Popsicle dipped down inside. Sore throat, watery eyes, cough, drainage...mucous. I pretty much missed the Snickerdoodle's first Easter... then again I'm not sure if this is technically her first. I couldn't remember if she was born before or after Easter last year. I'm pretty sure she came before Easter. I think her first stuffed animal, a small fluffy rattle bunny is a tell tale sign.
Nevertheless, I missed her first time being AWARE that it is Easter. Originally I was suppose to take my aunt, the lil cuz and Snickerdoodle to some festivities at church yesterday. I'm not sure what the church had in store for kids yesterday, I just know kids were going to be making their own Easter baskets. Being that I couldn't or really didn't feel like moving out in my condition, my parental units jumped in and took the aunt, lil cuz and Snickerdoodle to the Easter event.
Needless to say, my child came home with goodies and prizes... just like the Hallelujah night for Halloween.
Aside from bedtime... I managed to do a mini bio and a final review of the release form for the latest anthology I'll be featured in. I just have to snail mail the darn thing.
I also, indulged a bit on one of my favorite reality shows........... "Whose Wedding Is It Anyway?"
It's going on 10 am and I hear the Snickerdoodle waking up.
Breakfast time is here and then later on...... dinner at my grandmother's.
By the way, I truely never understood how Easter ends up in March ever few years. Though it is officially spring, Winter is still lingering. I'm not feeling this cold air. It's deceiving of the beautiful sunlight that is beaming right through my window and greeting me in the morning.
There hasn't been much to speak on from my end lately. What has been on my mind lately is music. For the past week or so, I've been doing my usual, immersing myself in a musical abyss. However, I think I've dove a little deeper than the usual.
So a few entries back I wrote about how Jay-Z knows my addiction with his song "I know." The song and video has captivated me in such a way I can't explain. Okay, yes Jay is talking as if he were a drug enticing the addict. Okay, maybe it does help that Zoe Kravitz (daughter of Lisa Bonet and Lenny Kravitz) is the amazingly beautiful young lady featured in the video helping to convey a message that she tried to live her life, but was addicted to heroin. No, I'm not a drug addict, never have and never will be. Yet, I took a different spin on the song; more like Jay talking as addiction (yes) but in a lust/love human, spiritual connection form. Knowing what I know about me and my past ( in regards to sex and relationships) I can say.. I can relate to this song on some level.
So yes, Jay has been on repeat for a while.
Since I've been in a repeat-and-listen-to-the-lyrics-closely-mood, I've been hypnotized by Janet Jackson again.
I've been excited about the release of Janet's Discipline album. Though I don't have the album in my collection just yet, I'm itching to get it. I understand that this go around she didn't write any of the songs. Yet, as one critic put it, these songs seemed to be written and tailored just for her. It's the old Janet with the funky make you get outta your seat dance beats.
So far, the only single that has caught on with me (until I get a hold of others) has been "Feedback," which was written by music producer Rodney "Darkchild" Jerkins and three other writers (Dernst Emilie, Tasleema Yasin and LaShawn).
The song is hot! Anytime I hear it I crank up the volumn. However, yanno how Janet can do with her singing sometimes... a slight mumble (I'm thinking about If I Was Your Girl from the JANET album - thank God the CD came with Lyrics.) So yeah.. there were parts of Feedback I couldn't fully make out and maybe I was just in a bit shock and awe about what was said. Such was the couple of lines fom her bridge(?) verse.
"..my swag is something serious. something like first day period"
Hilariously bold right?
And then the actual chorus.
"Strum me like a guitar. Blow out my amplifier. When you hear some feedback keep going take it higher."
I couldn't do nothing but laugh and be a little jealous that I didn't write such lines. Nevertheless, no matter who wrote it, Janet delivers it in hardcore Janet style and I appreciate that.
Moving on from Janet to Erykah Badu. I've been giddy ever since the release of her latest album New Amerykah. I've been down with Badu since she's been on the scene. I'm still savoring my Badu concert experience from a few years back. I'm even more giddy that Papi is working on getting tickets for us to see her live with The Roots (another awesome group) soon.
Until I see her, I've been biding my time listening to her "Annie," which is the break out song from the Honey video.
"Annie. Don't wear no panties."
I caught her live performance of the song for VH1's sound stage today. I must say it's pure Erkyah and I love it!
You can view the full performance here -----------> Erykah performing Annie.
Now the biggie of all biggies.
I'll admit, I'm a little late in hearing and catching onto an artist by the name of M.I.A and her controversial song "Paper Planes."
I just recently heard the song as it is currently the featured song on Natalie Dee's My Space page. I'm not sure why, but immediately I really liked the song. I wasn't paying much attention to the lyrics at first, but for some reason I just associated it with one of my "imaginary" crazy moods - the mood where I just wanna smack some "ignant" fool for disrespecting and disrupting me. Admit it, we all have a mood that isn't really real.. more like a fake persona. However, after doing some investigation on the song I realized what M.I.A. was talking about it and I liked even more.
Her message in the song deals with immirgrants and how a society (probably American) may view them. The controversy comes in because of the whole gunshot sound effect in her chorus, which in essence does present some kind of blunt hardcore statement.
Here's a snippet of a write up on Wikipedia (oye!)
M.I.A. explains the gun sounds as a joke, an answer to having problems entering the U.S. She thought that the worst thing for someone to say would be, "What I wanna do is come and take your money", and hence said it in the song with sound effects. She went on to state that "people don’t really feel like immigrants or refugees contribute to culture in any way. That they’re just leeches that suck from whatever".
My personal view on immigrantion; well I'm all for anyone who wants to come here (to the US) LEGALLY and contribute. If you happen to come as a "refugee" or illegally and you want to stay.. what's wrong with going to an advocacy group to help you with the process of becoming a citizen? I wonder what would happen if I were to go and claim permanent residence in Germany, Bangladesh, London, Brazil, China, Denmark, South Africa, Vancouver....
They would "naturalize" my ass in a heartbeat!
That's just my two cents.
Yet, I still like this crazy whacked out song! Because for real.... I can't help but picture the vendor stands I see downtown with my Africans and Asians brothers/sisters selling knockoff purses, sunglasses and dead batteries and my Latinos and Latinas selling (half dead) roses and carnations in the middle of rush hour traffic - mainly along the ramp from 395 to the Sousa Bridge into Southeast, DC.
I fly like paper, get high like planes
If you catch me at the border I got visas in my name
If you come around here, I make them all day
I get one down in a second if you wait
I fly like paper, get high like planes
If you catch me at the border I got visas in my name
If you come around here, I make them all day
I get one down in a second if you wait
Sometimes I feel sitting on trains
Every stop I get to I'm clocking that game
Everyone's a winner now we're making that fame
Bona fide hustler, making my name
Sometimes I feel sitting on trains
Every stop I get to I'm clocking that game
Everyone's a winner now we're making that fame
Bona fide hustler, making my name
All I want to do is BANG BANG BANG BANG!
And KA-CHING!
And take your money
All I want to do is BANG BANG BANG BANG!
And KA-CHING!
And take your money
All I want to do is BANG BANG BANG BANG!
And KA-CHING!
And take your money
Pirate skulls and bones
Sticks and stones and weed and bombs
Running when we hit them
Lethal poison through their system
Pirate skulls and bones
Sticks and stones and weed and bombs
Running when we hit them
Lethal poison through their system
No one on the corner has swagger like us
Hit me on my banner, prepaid wireless
We pack and deliver like UPS trucks
Already going to hell just pumping that gas
No one on the corner has swagger like us
Hit me on my banner, prepaid wireless
We pack and deliver like UPS trucks
Already going to hell just pumping that gas
All I want to do is BANG BANG BANG BANG!
And KA-CHING!
And take your money
All I want to do is BANG BANG BANG BANG!
And KA-CHING!
And take your money
All I want to do is BANG BANG BANG BANG!
And KA-CHING!
And take your money
M.I.A.
Third world democracy
Yeah, I got more records than the K.G.B.
So, uh, no funny business
Some, some, some, I some I murder
Some, I some I let go
Some, some, some, I some I murder
Some, I some I let go
All I want to do is BANG BANG BANG BANG!
And KA-CHING!
And take your money
All I want to do is BANG BANG BANG BANG!
And KA-CHING!
And take your money
All I want to do is BANG BANG BANG BANG!
And KA-CHING!
And take your money
All I want to do is BANG BANG BANG BANG!
And KA-CHING!
And take your money
We interrupt your irregular scheduled blog entry for this Public Service Announcement from your Mahoganie network.
Hello everyone!
I come baring some exciting news.
I just received word that I will be featured in an upcoming anthology called What Was I Thinking? The book is a collection of personal essays describing the moment the person finally realized their relationship wasn't working. I suspect this is going to be a funky and fun collection as I can assure you my story is anything but "normal." Because this project is a spin off of an internet talk show based in California, some stories will be made into small animated features. I'm not sure if mine is included in the video bunch, but I'm definately in the book. To get a sense of what kinds of things may be include check out a video from their archive.
http://www. slatev. com/player. html?id=1250621483
The book will be produced by the big house publisher St.
Martin's Press (www. stmartins. com ). This will be my second anthology feature.
Once I receive other info (release date, etc.) I will share.
As always.. I thank and love each of you (far and near) for any encouragement you have given me upon my writing endeavors.
Love,
Mahoganie
I have a new addiction.
I did have this well thought out and perhaps long entry I wanted to spew about it, but lately my attention span is that of a child hopped up on a sugar rush.
I gotta keep moving.
Only thing I can say at this point is... I totally feel Jay-Z's lyrics to his "I Know"
What's been going on..what I've been pondering on writing about are some realizations that has been brought to my attention.
It's nothing bad, but more so of me facing some fears of mine about being in a (possible) relationship.
From hanging out with my girls over the weekend, to having dinner with Papi last night, to speaking with Brandon earlier today about his relationship and even some of my fears - it's been interesting to all these perspectives come together making me ask myself;
Self, where do we go from here?
Needless to say.. with my new "addiction" I can't help wonder if it's all just a pure lust, a hidden relapse into the old me of finding solace in the wrong place or is this something materializing into something more genuine? Is this something working on both ends in which a divine master plan is involved?
As I sit and marinate on these thoughts... I'll just keep Jay-Z on repeat for a while.
*Note about the song: While I see two possible meanings to the song- 1.) Jay talking from the point of view of a drug to a drug addict 2) Jay taking a spin and speaking about love and making himself a drug to the so-called "addict." I'm taking the second meaning in regards to my situation.
I Know
By: Jay-Z
Album: American Gangsta
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
I know what you like
Everything you love
I know what you like
Everything you love
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
I know what you like ....HOV
Baby you love ....HOV
Baby you love ....HOV
Baby you like ....HOV
Uh-
She wants that old thing back
Uh- uh- uh-
She want those Heroin tracks
She likes me
She fiends for me nightly
She leans for me
Morning she rush for my touch
This is about LUST
Cold sweats occur when I'm not with her
My presence is a must- must- must-
Bonita Applebum, i gotta put you on
If i didn't when we cuttin' the feeling would be too strong
In any form, I'm giving you sweet dreams
That Sugar Hill, she call me her sweet thing
That Black Rain that take away your pain
Just for one night, baby, take me in vein
Now that feelin' got you trippin'
You no wanna feel no differently
Said lust has got you itchin'
Nose wide open and its' drippin' -eh -eh -eh -eh
I know what you like, i am your prescription
I'm your physician, I'm your addiction
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
I know what you like
Everything you love
I know what you like
Everything you love
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
I know what you like ....HOV
Baby you love ....HOV
Baby you love ....HOV
Baby you like ....HOV
I am so DOPE
Like Louboutins with the red bottoms
You gotta have 'em, you glad you got 'em
Like every color Giuseppe's, your guilty pleasure is me
Its so much fun, you shun therapy
Although it never be, the feeling is fleeting
Shopping's like coppin', you constantly need it
I'm never around, you constantly seek it
You'll never be down, i know where your peak is
9 1/2 weeks is better than 12-steps
I keep tryin' to remind you to keep tellin' yourself
Now your conscience is interfering, like "Better yourself!"
Like you better get help
But when that medicine's felt?
We're back together
Don't ever leave me
Don't ever let 'em tell you that you'll never need me
My China White, 'til we D.O.A.
Its Montego forever, baby, lets get away....
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
I know what you like
Everything you love
I know what you like
Everything you love
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
I know what you like ....HOV
Baby you love ....HOV
Baby you love ....HOV
Baby you like ....HOV
How could you leave me?
I thought that you needed me!
When the world got too much and you pleaded with me--
Who helped you immediately?
How speedy of me!
How could you deny me so vehemently?
Now your body is shakin' trying to free it of me
And your soul is in control, trying to lead it from me
And your heart no longer pledge allegiance to me
Damn, I'm missing the days when you needed the D
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
I know what you like
Everything you love
I know what you like
Everything you love
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
And I Know And I Know
I know what you like ....HOV
Baby you love ....HOV
Baby you love ....HOV
Baby you like ....HOV
Lately, I've been wanting to fade to black. It's not as morbid or negative as it may seem. I just feel the need to shut up and think and put some action to my thoughts. Still I'm getting emails and a few calls about this this and that.
(shit! a birthday gathering tomorrow!)
My mind feels cluttered again as I've been thinking, writing, reading and doing tid bits for others. So much so, that last night I felt myself asking the same familar question
"What am I'm suppose to be doing?"
Even during the day yesterday another thought came to me as I was dabbing cold water on a stain in my shirt.
"One day my life will make sense to me."
No. I'm not depressed. I'm not over joyed neither. Hell, I'm not even content anymore.
I seem to be on edge a bit, even though most of my days have fallen in that God-Aweful routine mode.
Still I do break the mode once in a while.
Amid all my thoughts I'm still invovled with the volunteer project that kicked off a couple of weeks ago with the group of sixth grade boys. I've been working with the project manager on some edits to an anthology the boys want to put together. I'm still not sure if I'll be able to return to the second session in April as I'm still holding on for a decision on the job front.
Speaking of which, I think this what has me up in arms lately, my interview with the publication I had a week ago. I still haven't said too much to anyone about it. Even the ones that know about it and have asked me how did things go, I down play the situation.
I barely want to write this entry, mainly because it feels like "fluff" and I don't feel as if I'm reaching deep down to the heart of the matter; which is something I normally do with a lot of my journal entries (private or public). Yet I'm writing it cause my mind told me it needed to purge.
What's funny is the fact that I don't feel like nothing is really wrong. I just feel like I'm going in circles... literally and I need to find some silence to gain focus.
Thankfully, what has been keeping me sane (aside from my daughter) are the "dorky" and twisted comics of Natalie Dee. I think I'm addicted to her site.
Also, I've started to reconnect with a lot of old friends from my elementary/jr. high days. Thanks to MySpace we've found each other. I even "bumped" into my "first kiss' " brother. Of course the brother told me he would tell "First Kiss" that he "saw" me.
Eeeeeep!
What's been interesting is viewing their pages and see that some of them turned out to be family people, especially the boys.. errr umm men. A few of them got married, which I found to be sweet. What really caught my attention was the fact that a lot of my old schoolmates have children that are about preschool or kindergarten age... maybe a couple that are a little older. I couldn't help but think, in the midst of me being a new mom - wait am I still "new" considering that it has been a year now? - but did I miss my generation's baby boom?
In retrospect I am thankful I didn't have any children earlier. I don't know how I would have been able to "deal." Though my Snickerdoodle was a surprise, she obviously came into my life when she was suppose to.
pause
pause
pause
And now I must put on my superwoman suit to complete a task.
For anyone expecting a thought, an email, a message, a text message, an instant message... just any kind of response from me....
Try your "call" again later.
