Only a couple of days away from 2007 and I still don't know what to make of 2006. Were there any accomplishments? Yes. Were there any setbacks? Perhaps. Joys? Of course. Pain? Not as much as the last few previous years. This is progress right?
The only thing disappointing about 2006 was my high expectations I had in going through a transition in life. I knew going into the year that change would not occur overnight. However, I think I did expect too much out of my change, especially when I took on the writer/editor job with the communications firm. I think my disappointment in the year lies with my disappointment in that job. I went in with my ambitions high and all my potentials...of things I wanted to see happen with myself professionally as an upcoming journalist and the magazine as it struggled to find its rhythm. Where did things go wrong with me and that job? I think it was just bad chemistry altogether between me and the boss. After I regained consciousness from the honeymoon phase of the job, I was jolted into reality but somehow found myself in a simular plot of "The Devil Wears Prada." It wasn't that extreme, but still....
Do I have any regrets about that job and then resigning at such an inopportune time? There are no regrets as the job did help me to continue to build my contacts, add some extra weight to my resume and exposed me a little more to the political and social lime light that natives and non-natives of DC thrive off of. I miss it a tad, but that's only because I became friends with my co-workers at the firm and do cherish them. Yet, I had to move on.
What I am proud of is the fact that I lived my mantra for the year, "Let's Be Young." I didn't sulk in my misery and I made bold choices that I use to make without a care in the word...just stepped out on faith. I lived in 2006. It was the first time in a while that I felt as if I lived for me. I'm proud of myself for doing that and I pray that I continue to do this. In doing this, I noticed that my relationship with my mother seemed to strengthen. Our days of clashing seemed to have halted. Sure we still have our days where she or I are a little edgy and may take it out on each other, but it only last within a day or two. Maybe it's because she finally gets it, I'm my own person with my own life. Though I may still live under her roof, I'm not the docile daughter anymore. I honor and obey her, yes. However, when it comes to me, I think first about what I want out of a situation and not my mother.
Of course what has me stumped and a bit overwhelmed is my lastest dealings in being a mother. To think, this time last year, I wasn't thinking about a baby. I was actually listening to my friend Mr. MID go on and on about his situation with his two kids and their mothers. I would have never "thunk it" that I would be pregnant by the end of the year. My feelings or emotions are still pretty tangled, but with each passing day I'm working on how to connect with my child. I find myself rubbing my belly more often. I smile when I feel it move around like a gymnist, especially when it reacts to a certain sound or a certain food I'm digesting. I try to accomodate it by sleeping in an unfamilar sleeping position. I dream of positive "happy mother/daughter or mother/son" moments where I'm with my child and it does something silly to make me laugh. Then I have this cloud of fear that hovers near. My old nightmares of miscarriages reappear.
Normally, a miscarriage in a dream isn't literal. There is a spiritual meaning behind it in which there is some sort of rebirth going on in your life. Yet, under the current circumstances, I can't help but to think that the miscarriage dreams are in a literal sense. I fear the steps in my house, because I know how clumbsy I can be, especially in heels (yes I'm still wearing heels pretty much while pregnant).
I worry if I'm eating right. The voices in my head won't shut up.
Pop that pre natal pill.
You want to make sure the baby fully develops.
Stop eating all that chocolate.
Did you eat a decent breakfast today?
Yes... eat more veggies....
Cut the pasta! You know it turns to sugar.
Yes.. turkey bacon and scrapple is good for you.
You aren't craving that, you just think you are.
This motherhood thing is just so new for me. It does start while they are in the womb...you being responsible for another life. To think, I have this person with me for the rest of my life....
I don't know what 2007 will bring. I can't tell you anything that I wish to come with the new year...except..... further growth in my life and prosperity. I can't think of a mantra to live by for 2007..unless I just continue with the theme I had for this year... being young. Afterall, I can still be the hip responsible mother that will have her child at her hip for this, this and that.
Wait.... I'm not Kimora Lee-Simmons or any other celebrity mother, but damnit with all that I still have left to accomplish my child will be with me... more book publishing, more freelance projects....and maybe just may when I jump start the documentary I want to work on.
While I may not a specific theme for 2007, there is one song that I've permanently attached to my life....
Bittersweet Symphony as performed by The Verve, but written by Mick Jager.
I'm actually jealous that I didn't write the song and compose it. The violins......they get me everytime.
'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony this life
Trying to make ends meet, you're a slave to the money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet, yeah
No change, I can't change, I can't change, I can't change,
but I'm here in my mold , I am here in my mold
But I'm a million different people from one day to the next
I can't change my mold, no, no, no, no, no
Well, I've never prayed,
But tonight I'm on my knees, yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind , I feel free now
But the airwaves are clean and there's nobody singing to me now
No change, I can't change, I can't change, I can't change,
but I'm here in my mold , I am here with my mold
And I'm a million different people from one day to the next
I can't change my mold, no, no, no, no, no
(Well have you ever been down?)
(I can't change, I can't change...)
(Ooooohhhhh...)
'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony this life
Trying to make ends meet, trying to find some money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet, yeah
You know I can't change, I can't change, I can't change,
but I'm here in my mold, I am here in my mold
And I'm a million different people from one day to the next
I can't change my mold, no,no,no,no,no
I can't change my mold, no,no,no,no,no
I can't change my mold, no,no,no,no,no
(You got your sex and your violence melody and silence)
(You got your sex and your violence melody and silence)
(I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down)
(It justs sex and violence melody and silence)
(I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down)
(Been down)
(Ever been down)
(Ever been down)(Lalalalalalaaaaaaaa...)
(Ever been down)
(Ever been down)
(Have you ever been down?)
(Have you ever been down?)
(Have you ever been down?)
Audio: Share one of your favorite songs from 2006.
Yes, I'm a Madonna fan. Always have been and most likely.. always will. This whole album (although released in the latter part of 2005) set the tone for my year in 2006. The up tempo retro disco beat(s) that served as a foundation to her lyrics created a harmounious spiritual rivial ..of some sort.
(Note to self: what did I say?)
Last night I tried to upload at least the single "Hung Up," but I think Verizon was pulling my chain yesterday with the connection speed.
What I will post... lyrics to another single... "How High."
How High
By: Madonna
Album: Confessions on a Dance floor
How high are the stakes
How much fortune can you make
[repeat]
It's funny
I spent my whole life wanting to be talked about
I did it
Just about everything
To see my name in lights
Was it all worth it
And how did I earn it
Nobody's perfect
I guess I deserve it
[Chorus]
How high are the stakes
How much fortune can you make
Does this get any better
Should I carry on
Will it matter when I'm gone
Will any of this matter
It's funny
How everybody mentions my name
But they're never really nice
I took it
Just about everything
Except my own advice
Was it all worth it
And how did I earn it
Nobody's perfect
I guess I deserve it
[Chorus]
(nothing lasts forever)
(doesn't make a difference)
How high
Doesn't make a difference
Nothing lasts forever
Should I
Will it matter when I'm gone
Will any of this matter
How high are the stakes
How much fortune can you make
Should I carry on
Will it matter when I'm gone
Show us something from the 80's.
Unfortunately, because I'm not at home at the moment I cannot show you my original Strawberry Shortcake Doll from the 1980's. However, if you look a little closer at my display/profile photo you can see I'm wearing a shirt that bares the REAL Strawberry Shortcake. Yet, here she is in all her glory! Why did the doll/toy company have to go and change her? She was perfect the way she was. Does the new one have the authentic strawberry scent as did the old one? I bet not!
Honestly, I was highly upset that they changed her look. For what? To make her look more modern I guess. My thing is.. some things should be left alone. She was one of them.
I have a lot of fond memories from my childhood that includes her. Especially the time I was in this day care school and my birthday parties always included a custom made cake of my favorite character. One year it was Big Bird. Another year is was Cookie Monster. However, I think it was first year at that day care that my birthday party had the Strawberry Shortcake cake. It was custom made as it took her form. (Gosh I wish I had the picture here at work to show). I don't think the cake itself was actually a strawberry shortcake. I think it was plain yellow/butter cake with the all the icing. (yum!)
My birthday parties at Boiling AFB Day Care (school) were (kinda) legendary. All the kids use to love the cake and ice cream part. (LOL) I wonder if it is because I loved Strawberry Shortcake (the doll) so much as a kid, that now I must have a strawberry shortcake (the actual recipe) cake for my birthday every year. It's the only time when I can really step away from anything chocolate. Then again, I love strawberries as much as I love chocolate.
*shrugging shoulders*
So.... here's to the 80's and to the REAL Strawberry Shortcake.
So...
I'm not surprised that Saddam feels like his death would be a sacrifice for his country. In case you've been living in lala land due to the holiday season, it was decided that Saddam would be put to death within 30 days by hanging. This is the so called punishment for him for the torture and act of genocide he inflicted upon a group of people in Iraq.
Now in talking about the way Saddam handled his business over there is kinda sticky for me. In some ways I agree with the whole stance that what he (allegedly) did was inhumane, but on the other hand I have this feeling that though his methods may have been "sick" he knew what he was doing. I have a hunch he knew how crazy some of those folks are and would doing anything, "by any means necesary" to keep order in his country. Then here we come and disrupt the order and (perhaps) balance he had going there.
I was never for this "war" to begin with, especially since at the time it was a strong possiblity my father would have been deployed. At the the time my father had originally submitted his paperwork for retirement, the military had suddening frooze all processes for those up for retirement. Thankfully the band was eventually lifted and he was able to get out. However, I have know folks that still ended up being deployed.... including a "daughter" of my church and beloved friend.... Emily Perez - Killed this past September at the age of 22. (please google her name and read every article there is on her. She was truly phenomenal). In some ways, I still can't believe she is gone.
I still can't believe five....six years of this war and what is the supposed victory? Why the heck won't Dubya consider at least some of the reccomendations of that commissioned report? Why the heck is the new head of the Pentagon, Rogers, deploying more troops...units from Ft. Bragg?
If you ask me, this is more genocide than what Saddam was doing. My father, being the military man he is, told me something once that I really didn't know how to take. I was literally left unnerved, perplexed and a bit pissed at once when he said....
"You know, war is a way to kill off some of a country's population."
While I'm sure there is some kind of truth to this.... did this really apply here????
Hmmmm Daddy Bush's oil wells in Iraq.... too many folks in the US...... Kill for oil and lets have some of our own killed to cut back on the population growth.
Anywho.... back to Saddam..... I think death is too easy. Just like I think death is too easy as a punishment here. If Saddam was this horrible leader...... why not kill him slowly... mess with his mind....
Maybe cane him for a few days with a piece of bamboo...like that American kid from back in the day in Taiwan was it? Maybe hang him upside down letting the blood rush to his head while he has to sing the American National Anthem IN ENGLISH.
I don't know what to do with him to be honest. I actually felt this way when it was announce that "we" captured him. I was like... okay.. we got him, now what?
Maybe he should go live in exile. Hmmm what if he and Castro met up and became friends? What if Saddam became a Cuban citizen? Speaking of Castro... why won't they admit.. he is old and he is dying slowly but surely.
Okay.. I'm done rambling.
Article on Saddam right here courtesy of yahoo/AP wire news.
Chrismas was quiet. Well dispite the fact that some idiots were driving up my street, one carload shooting at another carload. Thank God there wasn't anyone else on the block at the time. Folks were in their houses and so was their company. My father's brand new Ford Colorado Pick-Up took a hit though. A rear tire went flat thanks to a bullet, but no worries, he put on a spare the next day and is looking to get a new tire this week.
There isn't really anything else to say about the holiday, except that my cousin Andre received his first "real" drumset. We're not talking about the Playskool stuff here. It's the real deal. As much as I encourage his musical talent for percussion, I'm thankful the set is stationed at my grandmother's. Apparently he had gotten up on Christmas morning at 5'o clock. The next door neighbor heard him that early, but she didn't complain. She knew what was up.
No one really exchanged gifts this year. It was mainly about Andre and as for me and "Toddles" (My mother's new petname for my unborn baby) everyone is really waiting until it gets here before making any major purchases. My mother did give me this nice cashmere scarf that matches perfectly with a coat I have, but really everyone seemed to not really care this year about Christmas. I don't know what was behind such a mood, but we were content all the same...like being around each other to see another year was enough.
Yesterday, I managed to take my tired and slightly catching a cold behind to the Honda dealership to have the car serviced. I got the tune up it desperately needed along with a couple other things (replace a leaking heating hose, and something about the engine carriage since the engine was about to drop from the car???). I still have to go back to get the light fixture replaced that was bruised during the accident I had with Mr. BMW two weeks ago. (no biggie) I also have to go back to get the timing belt looked at. It's a 92 Accord with 89,000 miles. Even though the mileage on a car that old is a bit low and it runs well, as the technician was explaining to me.. oil was leaking onto the belt system and something was causing something to lock and the belt was wearing thin and..... basically I'm gonna need a new belt soon.
Can I get a second opinion before I spend the money on that?
Oh something that urked me and made me laugh at the same time yesterday. While waiting for my car to be serviced, I noticed how the salesmen purposely roamed the customer waiting lounge to "badger" or "pester" the customers about trading in their old car for a new. Thank goodness I had a book with me and was heavily (or at least looked like I was) in the book. Desperate salesmen are creepy, especially with women. They lay on the flattery hard and thick. It's all BS to make a sale.
Yeah, I'm really gonna gush and cream my undies because you are standing there telling me how pretty I look and that it's unfortunate that you aren't my man, because you would really take care of me and my needs. Then slide in a compliment on how good I would look in a pimped out cherry red sports Accord.
What's important is me getting the tune up and making sure it is workable for my venture to the mountains this weekend. Yes, my family and I are heading back to our timeshare, but I'll be there only for the weekend and returning on Monday. Of course I have to be back for work and my doctor's appointment on the 3rd.
Speaking of the mountains, it's a possiblity that a few of my cousins maybe joining us for the weekend as well, including my cousin "T" who is currently living in Brooklyn while attending F.I.T. It would be nice if they could join us. Speaking of my cousins, these are the same ones my mother went to see Dreamgirls with yesterday while I was stuck at the Honda place.
(in my lil kid voice) I wanted to go too..........
Unfortunately, I didn't make it back home in time. (Oh Poo!)
Show us someone you can't wait to see.
My baby of course!!!
Due sometime Late March.
*Note: Look sideways and you can see the face better.*
I'll try to have a real entry about my Christmas Day tonight or tomorrow. With my crazy upside down, inside out fam I'm sure it will be interesting.
Maybe It's just my pregnancy hormones on overload causing me to feel a bit insenstive towards my child's father or maybe it's the fact that he is who is and just doesn't know what to say or how to feel. Instead of trying to psych myself up to get into the Christmas mood, I've been mulling over some thoughts in my head in regards to a relationship with Hazel or dealing with a relationship with any other man. To be honest, as much as I have been declaring I don't want a relationship right now...that I just want to focus on preparing for the birth of the baby, a portion of me yearns to have a strong companion at my side. This yearning has also caused me to rethink my stand on marriage. Remember how I said I could deal with the whole Oprah and Stedman deal? Well, honey this is real life and I'm not Oprah and nor do I have a Stedman in my life
In the time that I have talked or blogged about Hazel (in other journals) I was always in love with the man he could be. He always presented himself as having all this potentional with all of his ambitions. In all of this, he could be an excellent provider. In some ways he is still this way, but much about him as become transparet to me. I can see right through him sometimes and that alone is scary. It's scary because I see that he isn't the one for me. All of my false hope I had for us (at some point or another) has dissolved.
Tricky thing is, how do I handle this now with a child on the way? On some levels, I'm comfortable with the fact that I don't want another relationship with him. It took me a while to realize, but I finally got it....he doesn't "feed" me as I would him. We aren't on the same level mentally, spiritually and perhaps now... not even emotionally. He claims he wants some of the same things I do when it comes to a stable life, especially in regards to being with one person.. married to them.. having kids and providing for the family. Yet his words just fall empty on me. Do they even reach my ears? Do his words on instant messenger reach my eyes? Everytime he says the things I WANT TO HEAR.. that's all they are to me. Maybe I'm basing too much of him and his character on past actions, but I don't ever want to go through that kind of hurt I went through with him ever again.
True, I laid down with him even after the hurt and created new life, but who knows what that was. Me falling back on old habits and using the time and space to fulfill an instant "need?" Maybe it was me still holding on to that false hope that somehow things would work itself out? Strange what I felt that night afterwards. I can't put my finger on it, but it was as if I knew something was happening. Maybe it was God telling me He was gonna to perform a little shock treatment on my butt... on both of our butts, but more so me.
Four months later, I find that I'm about four months pregnant. Could God not have given me such a real shock treatment?
So, I'm cautious. Protective of my heart and even of my child's heart. Finding it hard to let Hazel in and perhaps anyone else. It's to the point where I'm worn out from putting myself on the line, wearing my heart on my sleeve and giving more of myself than what I'm given in return. I cry at night for all the things that Hazel isn't. I cry at night for all the things I want from a companion, but seems so far out of my reach. I'm frustrated at my fears and insecurities, because they haunt me. I'm sick and tired of looking at couples or families with children and how each of the parents seem to be in love and effortlessly dote on their children (why am I'm noticing shit like that more frequently now?).
Don't get it twisted. I don't hate Hazel. I'm not bitter towards him. I just truly feel indifferent about him. I've tried the friendship thing with him, but somehow the past won't let go. I'm learning how to forgive, forget and move on to the next level. I've been forgiving, but forgetting has been the hard part. How do you forget?
When it comes to PURE LOVE, there is a line from a movie that makes me cry everytime I hear it. It's one of the ending lines to Tyler Perry's Diary of a Mad Black Woman. Towards the end, Shemar Moore questions Kimberly Elise's love for him. Her reply,
"I carry you in my spirit. I pray for you more than I pray for myself."
That's heavy when you know the love you have for someone is that deep that you KNOW and FEEL them in your spirit.
What I pray for is that whatever man that enters my life will be a man of God and able to feed me mentally, spiritually and emotionally as I would him. That he would be man enough to accept me with all my flaws and even strong enough to work with and accept that I am a mother and he must love my son or daughter as if it were his own. I pray that my heart would be open enough to accept this man....whomever he is.....
"If you want to feel me/Better be divine/Bring me water/water for my mind/give me nothing/Breathe love in my air/don't abuse me/Cause these herbs are rare....
I want somebody to walk up behind me/And kiss me on my neck/And breathe on my neck/I want somebody to walk up behind me/And kiss me on my neck/And breathe on my neck/been such a long time/I forgot that I was fine/Just kiss me on my neck/And breathe on my neck..." - Hesi (Kiss Me On My Neck) by Erykah Badu.
That was the reading the sonographer gave me yesterday along with another due date.... March 25th.
Baby seems fine...normal....good. I saw.....
The heart
Kidneys
Spine
Legs
Arms
Shoulder(s)
Face (not fully developed but you can see the nose, mouth and where the eyes are trying to come in)
I'll post sonogram photo later
Gender? I still don't know. The kid decided to keep its legs closed.
Mommy along with a few of my friends believe it's a girl for sure. Apparently only girls pull that kind of stunt.
I'm back to the drawing board with names.. yanno.. just in case it's a girl. I'm pretty settled on the name
Aiden Jeremiah Browne (Stokes)
if it turns out to be a boy. Why are girl names so complicated to choose? Really... any name. I'm sorry, I don't take naming my child lightly. This is not like naming a pet bird or something. This is choosing a name for another human being....a name that could have an affect on their life!!!
Looking at a baby name book and found some wierd name that I can't believe exist.
Mettlenunoo
There's no meaning attached to it, although I'm sure there has to be. However according to the book Proud Heritage: 11,000 Names for your African-American Baby, this is the name of a junior high school student in Brooklyn, New York. African no doubt right?
*sigh*
So far I have a short list of girl names.....
Amelia (woke up this morning with this name stuck in my head)
Gabrielle (I highly doubt I'll use this since my cousin named her daughter this)
Hailey (This name just really sticks out for me) Has the meaning of "Hero" or "Ingenious"
Melanie (another name that came to me this morning) Has meaning of "Black or of dark complexion. In Greek mythology, Melania was an epithet for Demeter, the earth goddess." (Dinwiddie-Boyd p. 329)
There is still a whole lot to do between now and March. God be with me in getting the essentials done......
*This is a repost from one of my other Blogs. There is a logic to why I'm reposting it here. As the year ends, I'm doing some sort of reflections of 2006 into 2007. Interesting to see where I was around this time last year. This will be done in 3 parts!*
(I had written about this in my former journal as Blackvelveteen@Diary-X, but like the rest of my past within those pages, It was taken from me. So here is to revisiting....)Monday, February 27, 2006
Revisiting My Mantra
It started with me listening to the track "Let's Be Young" by New York City house music dj, Quentin Harris. I don't know what it was about the song that embraced me. There are no words. It's just a hypnotic beat with synthesized sounds, some bass, violins and blaring horns. The song stayed on repeat for days. Even when I didn't actually play the song, the tune still repeated itself inside my head.
Then, a funny feeling occurred one evening as I stood in the kitchen. A sudden tidal wave called fear consumed me. You see, I've been in a transitional phase since August when I resigned from my Federal government job. I completely stepped out on faith, but worried that perhaps I might have not helped in the progression of my life but contributed to the regression. I've been working as a temp and looking into freelance gigs until I find something that suits me and my writing talent. As I stood in the kitchen and thought about my financial woes and how money is coming in awfully slow I felt a little dismayed.
While 2005 was about change, towards the end I began to feel weary. It was mainly due to my mother's mini stroke that occurred a few weeks before the Thanksgiving holiday. Then was the continuing saga of helping my grandmother who is the sole caregiver of her husband who is in recovery of a stroke that he had last April. By the year's end I begin to feel nonchalant, because I was trying to focus on family and my own destiny at the same time. It was draining and yet perplexing at times because my life had become so pivotal that I just didn't know which way to swing.
As soon as that rush of fear came over me, almost in the same breath, I found myself in utter contentment. I smiled and said,
"Life is good."
As my thoughts further roamed, I had another feeling. I felt as if I have something to celebrate, but I didn't know what. Now I do know... It's life!!!! For so long I've been bound by the sadistic spirits of fear, loneliness and doubt. Somehow I managed to break free.
It was then that I reminded myself of how change does not occur overnight. It comes slowly. Transitions are bascially stages of metamorphosis. For the longest time I always identified with the spirit of a butterfly. What sadden me was the fact that I felt I had my wings, but something or someone had them bound. Perhaps it was me. Afterlife, we can be our own worse enemy.
So, it was in that moment that I took on the mantra "Let's Be Young." While youth physically isn't infinite or immortality, in our hearts it can be. Youth affords us the opportunities to accomplish anything we desire. As long as we think and know that we are young, we tend to strive for whatever it is we desire.
My desire?
I want to live. Funny, here I am at 26 and I feel like I've only begun to live.
*This is a repost from one of my other Blogs. There is a logic to why I'm reposting it here. As the year ends, I'm doing some sort of reflections of 2006 into 2007. Interesting to see where I was around this time last year. This will be done in 3 parts!*
Emancipation
February 25, 2006
Saturday, February 25, 2006 was the day I died. I had no idea that death would come so easy and so painless. Yet, as I'm typing this out I do feel pain and some anguish behind it. I didn't want my life to be cut short, especially without my permission or without me having any control over it. As they say, "Shit happens."
You see, for the past four or five years I have been chronicling my life. Every good and bad decision I made, every kinky sexual encounter I experienced, every prayer, every simple thought, every argument with my mother and every frustration I had with my life was all typed out and posted within the virtual pages of my diary. Perhaps this was just a way for me to literally see what I was doing to myself and place some kind of understanding with it. Sometime ago, in mid-chronicling, I decided I would turn my life into a book. So, as my life evolved, so did my work of fiction that is loosely based on my life.
Spoiled by technology, I took for granted the luxuries of going paperless. I never gave a thought about the failures of simple mechanics. Just as we all think that our youth is infinite, I felt the same way about my online journal. I just assumed that my legacy, good or bad, would be in print and amongst the millions of data traveling along that great information super highway. After all, my journal was available through the various search engines.
Now I know better.
Two weeks ago, what started out as simple hard drive growing weary rapidly turned into a critical surgical movement to recover any information on the drive. My pulse, my writing, grew weaker as the days passed. I silently prayed for a miracle, for some divine intervention to step in. Guess I didn't pray hard enough, because all that is left is a white screen with some scribble on it. My epitaph...
"Here Lies BlackVelveteen: July 31, 2002 - February 25, 2005"
(By the way, Blackvelveteen was my nickname in the former life.)
Saving the hard drive was out of the so called "techies" realm. They tried, but in their efforts they only destroyed the drive, making it unreadable or only able to pick up fragments of information.
Ironically, for two years I struggled with an ending for my book. The year 2005 would have actually served as my ending, but just as I was ready to sort through those thoughts, my life was taken.
In all honesty, all really isn't lost. I have much of what was written in a backup file, except for the latter part of 2005. It was those moments in the last part of last year that were particularly critical in my life. So, now when I revisit my book I must pull from memory as much as possible about a certain event in time.
Yet, as I think about my friend LAF, and what she told me yesterday, "Everything happens for a reason," I'm inclined to believe there is some sort of epiphany with all of this. You see, for last few weeks I've been thinking in retrospect about my life. I went back and re-read past journal entries and wondered had I had grown from the "girl" I once was. In the midst of such thinking, I laid down one night and had a peculiar dream. There is no doubt in my mind that it was about growth and whatever newness to come in my life. The symbols were there;
- Old schoolmates from grade school looking like how I last saw them
- I was the only only one looking as I should now
- A baby, which automatically means newness
-Me blurting out the word "Serenity" and suddenly realizing the calm environment around me.
For the longest time I had been bound by my demons of depression, loneliness and trying to live up to the standards of others, mainly my mother. It wasn't until the latter part of 2005 that I broke free. By the start of this year, 2006, I felt myself moving forward with the transition but I still felt stuck in mid-air with no where to land. For a while, I grew anxious and waiting to coming out of this transition. Actually, I still feel this way.
Now, with my virtual death that occurred over the weekend and a promising opportunity that seems to be headed my way, I feel as if I have been freed once and for all from the past. So it is here, that I will chronicle my life in transition.
Saturday, February 25, 2006 was the day I was reborn.
