Shut Up Already!
Lately, I've been wanting to fade to black. It's not as morbid or negative as it may seem. I just feel the need to shut up and think and put some action to my thoughts. Still I'm getting emails and a few calls about this this and that.
(shit! a birthday gathering tomorrow!)
My mind feels cluttered again as I've been thinking, writing, reading and doing tid bits for others. So much so, that last night I felt myself asking the same familar question
"What am I'm suppose to be doing?"
Even during the day yesterday another thought came to me as I was dabbing cold water on a stain in my shirt.
"One day my life will make sense to me."
No. I'm not depressed. I'm not over joyed neither. Hell, I'm not even content anymore.
I seem to be on edge a bit, even though most of my days have fallen in that God-Aweful routine mode.
Still I do break the mode once in a while.
Amid all my thoughts I'm still invovled with the volunteer project that kicked off a couple of weeks ago with the group of sixth grade boys. I've been working with the project manager on some edits to an anthology the boys want to put together. I'm still not sure if I'll be able to return to the second session in April as I'm still holding on for a decision on the job front.
Speaking of which, I think this what has me up in arms lately, my interview with the publication I had a week ago. I still haven't said too much to anyone about it. Even the ones that know about it and have asked me how did things go, I down play the situation.
I barely want to write this entry, mainly because it feels like "fluff" and I don't feel as if I'm reaching deep down to the heart of the matter; which is something I normally do with a lot of my journal entries (private or public). Yet I'm writing it cause my mind told me it needed to purge.
What's funny is the fact that I don't feel like nothing is really wrong. I just feel like I'm going in circles... literally and I need to find some silence to gain focus.
Thankfully, what has been keeping me sane (aside from my daughter) are the "dorky" and twisted comics of Natalie Dee. I think I'm addicted to her site.
Also, I've started to reconnect with a lot of old friends from my elementary/jr. high days. Thanks to MySpace we've found each other. I even "bumped" into my "first kiss' " brother. Of course the brother told me he would tell "First Kiss" that he "saw" me.
Eeeeeep!
What's been interesting is viewing their pages and see that some of them turned out to be family people, especially the boys.. errr umm men. A few of them got married, which I found to be sweet. What really caught my attention was the fact that a lot of my old schoolmates have children that are about preschool or kindergarten age... maybe a couple that are a little older. I couldn't help but think, in the midst of me being a new mom - wait am I still "new" considering that it has been a year now? - but did I miss my generation's baby boom?
In retrospect I am thankful I didn't have any children earlier. I don't know how I would have been able to "deal." Though my Snickerdoodle was a surprise, she obviously came into my life when she was suppose to.
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And now I must put on my superwoman suit to complete a task.
