Reflective Sunday

Today has truly been inspirational and I didn't even make it to church today.

The Snickerdoodle and I got a late start to our day. So it was nearly noon when I sat her in her high chair, prepared brunch for the both of us and flipped the channels on the tele to TVOne. TVOne Access (an extension to Access Hollywood) was doing a profile on Beyonce. I'm not the biggest Beyonce fan but I have to admit I do admire how she handles her business. In looking at her interview clips, it's obvious that she lays out her goals and aims for them with the bulk of them obtained. One of the strong points that her colleagues mentioned is that she does have an excellent work ethic, which has been instilled in her since she was little. Certainly she has earned her bragging rights, which she delivers on her song "Diva,"

Sidebar: I tend to like the song Diva, but I just cringe everytime I hear the second verse. The verse just weakens it with talks of six packs in the cooler? Stick up? "Where your boss at?" huh? Then I'm brought back to Beyonce.. err umm Sasha's reality when she mentions there are no passengers on her plane.

Still, regardless if you love her or hate her, you can't deny that she is putting in the work to get to where she is. Granted what was shown was bascially "surface" material, I was blown away by some of the responses in her past interviews. Grown and mature during a time when people look at your age and want to easily dismiss you because they assume you are young and wet behind the ears.  I was even more intrigued as she briefly talked about a time when she didn't want to be in the business anymore. She wanted to quit on the spot, but something or something kept her grounded and made her stronger....God. Obviously she chose to stay.  

What was inspirational was the fact I saw in some aspects she reminded me of myself.

Sidebar: Funny, a few months ago when I was playing around on the net, I ran across this little quiz thing on Lifetime.com. What famous person(s) are best suited to be your BFF (Best Friend Forever). Based on my answers the end result was: Beyonce, Kelly Rowland, Tyra Banks and Kimora Lee. Basically the ladies of a party and therefore know when to leave a party. I laughed, because based on what I've seen from them, I do like their personas... even if Kimora is a bit ghetto-fab.

When Beyonce talked quitting she said she realized there are moments in life, especially when you are working with your gift, your craft, that are going to be like butter and times when things are going to be rocky and hard. Yet you have to have the mentality and will power to not dwell, learn from it and move on. This of course is the lesson I'm currently living.

Aside from watching Beyonce and quick run to the grocery store afterwards, I came back home determined to find the documents concerning my total credit hours in order to graduate. Thankfully the boxes containing my important papers were in the house and not in the storage shed. I went through three different boxes and finding treasure along the way. Much of it were papers from both high school and college. I stumbled upon an undated twenty-five dollar check from Brandon. Attached was a letter and an application with my info filled out for the National Association of Black Journalists (NABJ). I smiled as I read the letter. It was during the time we were dating. I was a freshman in college and I must have mentioned something to him about my want to join the NABJ. Basically he was encouraging me to join and was offering to pay for my membership. Naturally I must have rejected the offer if I'm coming across the check. 

I know.. my pride.

Of course I joined using my own money. Which reminds me... I need to seriously renew my membership.

Then my emotions tugged at me as I came across obituaries. Darin, my friend from high school. Allen, my godfather. Quincy, my godbrother. There will always be a sore spot for Quincy leaving this life when we were both 17. Florine, my grandmother on my father side, whom I believe much of my talent as well as my older brothers and my sister live in our blood. My grandmother the secretary by day. Vocalist, violinist, pianist and model by night. Much like her husband... my grandfather. Teacher by day. Local playwright putting on small shows after hours. 

Then my own writing. One in particular caught my eye. I began with a quote from Anais Nin.

"She lacks confidence. She craves admiration insatiably. She lives on the reflections of herself in the eyes of others. She does not care to be herself"

- Anais Nin

What followed were a series of short and random thoughts. Much of it about life and wanting..craving freedom. Freedom from what I saw a facade, a fake me.

Thought #2
I'm often complimented that I'm indeed a good writer. These compliments are nothing more than reminders of how much of a phony I am. Well that's how I see it. You see I find something and without much thought I just write it down...raw feelings.

Why do I feel like a phony? Call it a lack of confidence..call it trying too hard to be deep in thought that I totally forget what the piece is about...call it nothing more than BS writing. It's all fake.

What folks don't know is that I'm an amateur. I can get a flow going and then... like the snap of a finger...it happens. a big stone rolls it's way to that ride side of the brain (creative side...I think) causing a deep mental shutdown. I curse the friend that called on the phone that didn't want nothing. I curse my aunt for dropping off her screaming two-year-old. I curse my parents for wanting my services for something they could have done for themselves.

Thought#3
Sometimes I feel like I'm the chick in the flicks you see with a chip on her shoulder. She does and says whatever the hell she pleases. She's a rebel without a cause. To get next to her is a dare. To fuck her is an honor. To make her smile and laugh is a plus. To make her cry is a disgust. To love her is a challenge.

I was taken aback by my thoughts and the fact that I saw myself in this light. I was 21. Then I found this sheet of paper with two more Anais Nin quotes I had written down. One of which was:

"There are very few human beings who receive the truth, complete and staggering, by instant illumination. Most of them acquire it fragment by fragment, on a small scale, by successive developments, cellularly, like a laborious mosaic."

I thought back to the time when I was writing all of of this. Familar faces and places fashed across my mental picture. Some of it made me smile. Some of it made me want to mourn. I thought for a moment of my truth. What is the real me. Funny how people always put emphasis on what age or what time frame you should have yourself figured out. I've seen grown people as old as fifty still living without a clue and people younger than me sure as the day they were born of who they are. I thought I would have all this figured out by now, but seriously 2008 caught me off gaurd and questioning at lot.

A year shy of thirty and I'm just now.. beginning to see some of my truths. The real me.

"Ordinary life does not interest me. I seek only the high moments. I am in accord with the surrealists, searching for the marvelous."
- Anais Nin

Thought#2009
Ambitious one. Always thinking ahead. So far into the light, reality is out of sight. Stubborn and always fighting with invisible foes. Too prideful to let go. Beautiful one covered and hidden by fears, self-inflects the wounds. Can't see or hear.   

Ambitious one. Always thinking ahead. So far into the light, her "reality" made her dead. She could have made it, if she would have only let go. Control, her best drug. Her worst enemy. She played slave to her master. The ultimate masturbation of life if any.

Ambitious one. Always thinking ahead. So far into the light, reality is plight. Can't run nor walk away. Can no longer live the masqurade. Have to deal. Have soil to till.

Needless to say, I did eventually find what I was looking for. Off to school tomorrow to talk to an advisor.

"Go to the ant, thou sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise: Which having no guide, overseer, or ruler, Provideth her meat in the summer, and gathereth her food in the harvest. How long wilt thou sleep, O sluggard? when wilt thou arise out of thy sleep? Yet a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to sleep: So shall thy poverty come as one that travelleth, and thy want as an armed man." (Proverbs 6:6-11 KJV)