Madness of It All

So I'm back home and thankfully so. On the way back I almost ended up in two accidents due to falling asleep at the wheel. My mother and the Snickerdoodle were riding with me. My father was ahead in his truck when the first instance happened. It's weird. I was driving along and I was alert. I heard the music playing and I was watching the road. My mother was sleeping on the passenger side and the Snickerdoodle was alseep in the back. Somehow I snapped out of my trance when I woke up in time to see I had veered off the road a bit. Thankfully I was driving in the cruising lane and traffic was light. I was able to play it off. Still I cranked up the radio and pumped more of my strawberry/banana smoothie I had gotten from a Dunkin Donuts earlier.

The second time occured 20 mintues from the house. We were still on the road and hadn't made it into the city yet. I was listening to the radio, was even grooving to the "time tunnel" music in my head. My mother was awake, but somehow I did it again. This time I was in the passing lane and traffic was heavy the closer into DC were we going. I thought I was awake, but my mother shouted my name. I woke up to see that the car was veering near a wall. I snapped out to put the car back on course. My mother offered to take the wheel, but I insisted that I was alert enough to drive the few minutes left to get home. I think she was worried, so she talked a hole in my head until we made it home. It helped.

It's not that I didn't sleep or sleep well while away. I slept fine, thanks to that tempurpedic matress (I love those). However, my sleeping occured in spurts and when it was time to leave I was a bit rest broken and even more so since I abruptly woke up yesterday in preparation to heading back home. Needless to say I didn't realize just how tired I really was. I went to bed fairly early after combing the Snickerdoodle's hair and laying out her clothes for church. I woke up at 3 am and started to check a few emails. Went back to bed by 5 am and over slept my time for church.

I'm just thankful we all made it home safely.

While away I still managed to get some reflections out.....

Another epiphany of some sort.

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(Originally Written Thursday, December 25, 2008)

 

Ironic. As I was coming up on the 14^th chapter of Octavia Butler’s Parable of a Sower, actress Rosario Dawson was making her appearance on Jay Leno’s late night talk show.  I had just finished reading the beginning passage of Lauren’s, the main character, Earthseed verse:

 

In order to rise

From its own ashes

A phoenix

First

Must

Burn

- Taken from Parable of a Sower

 

Dawson began talking. The conversation between her and Leno began with her recounts of meeting her current boyfriend, an international DJ. After which, Leno began asking questions about Dawson’s childhood, especially around Christmas. I was kind of taken aback when she mentioned how her family basically squatted in a place on the lower east side of Manhattan. Her father worked construction and her mother was a plumber. She didn’t go into much detail about their lifestyle, just to say that thanks to her father’s construction job, he used whatever left over supplies from the job or whatever he could find and fix up their home.  Goods were constantly recycled and used to create something for the home.

 

Christmas wrapping paper was tissue paper and aluminum foil and growing up Dawson felt like her mother allowed her to have her voice during their family discussions. During their discussions they had a conch. They would pass it around and whomever had the shell could voice their concerns, complaints freely without any real consequences from the parents – think Lord of the Flies. From there Leno began to ask her questions concerning her latest role in the Will Smith flick, Seven Pounds.

 

For that brief moment in listening to Dawson talk about her childhood, I thought to myself how blessed she is to come all this way from being a squatter to this lovely and booming actress. Not long ago I had picked up Lucky Magazine, the publication that’s strictly on shopping. Dawson was on the cover and I flipped to her feature. Naturally it was just a feature on her favorite personal items, but it’s mentioned that though she is from New York, she recently moved to Los Angeles and also has a flat in London.

 

I’m curious to know what the rest of Dawson’s childhood was like and how she got into acting. I’m a sucker humble beginnings or rags to riches stories.  I’m always amazed at how far the individual has come in their life and clearly, in listening to or reading their stories, their present life and even future is not by accident.

 

Since I’ve been away from home I’ve been thinking back and forth about my destiny.  I began to lament on a few things, when I pinched myself with a realization. When I return home I have school to look forward to. If my estimations of total credit hours that I have under my belt so far are correct, I’m set to be a December graduate for next year (09). I’m already thinking about the kind of internship I would love to apply for and complete and even looking forward to reconnecting with disconnected connections.

 

Then of course, my book…my manuscript. Once again I’ve halted. Not on purpose. The intention was here, inside me, to be in quasi seclusion, and to write once the Snickerdoodle was down for the night. I’ve been writing, but not in the manuscript or the newest short story I’m aiming to submit by its March 1^st deadline. Instead, it’s been a few more journal entries.

 

My mind has been back and forth about what is really in store for me down the line. What will be my humble beginning success story? Unlike Dawson, my home was complete with shelter and luxuries I’m sure I took for granted. Still nothing saved me from my initial demise in 2002.  Funny, I thought I had conquered that chapter in my life, but honestly I never really recovered.

 

What took place afterwards was just a short rebound that lasted as long as any elastic in a pair of pantyhose.  I may have seen the later portion of 2005 into 2006 as a transitional phase, but really the transition had only just begun.  I heard that old familiar phrase recently.

 

“If you want to make God laugh, tell him what you are going to do.”

 

In 2006, once I started working for Mr. Yellow, I just knew I had things figured out. I was hired to do perhaps my dream job. I went in expecting to be just a little old copy writer and editor for a small public relations firm. Instead I was hired to do that plus run (as the assistant editor) a small business magazine, with my Bachelors in Journalism incomplete. Though I had a love hate for the job, I figured I would stay a year, build my portfolio and move on to something better.

 

School? I thought about it, but it wasn’t a priority. Shame on me to count on my luck to be something like (the late) Peter Jennings story –  Canadian coming to America and working his way through the ranks of the broadcast journalism realm without any higher education. Actually I did have a plan for school. It was way down on the priority list. Obtaining a better job and establishing an independent residence from my parents were my top priorities, then school.

 

So God laughed.  I became careless or perhaps indulging more into my unresolved demise. Things were not so great on the job with Mr. Yellow. I resigned. God eased in something that I use to joke about – it would take a child to bring some stability to my life. God’s bionic hearing didn’t fail. A year later my blessing arrived.

 

Here I am, nearly two years after my daughter’s birth.  I’ve been fighting with life. Fighting with the things I don’t want to be; stuck with a mundane life of just going to a 9 to 5 or being nearly broke stuck at home and trying to come up with creative things to keep myself and the Snickerdoodle busy and entertained.

 

This past November hit me hard emotionally. Though for once the health of my family wasn’t really a question like it had been in past Novembers, my emotional state was. I had become hyper sensitive and insensitive. My spirit felt broken and finally my hard lessons came.

 

Finally, I had burned.

 

Currently the smoke is still smoldering. Nothing has risen…yet.  Still I ponder over my destiny. When will my (new) life really begin?

 

I thought about destiny more so last night (Christmas Eve) after reading my latest issue (Dec) of Fader magazine. Kanye West is the cover story.  Funny, I never thought I could relate to him outside of his music, but actually I found myself a bit intrigued and “feeling” some of what he was saying.

 

For one, I’m glad he realized the arrogant attitude of his wasn’t a good look.

 

“…that was a great awakening to me, to not be so caught up in your own hype.  There’s a reason why the universe plans for certain things to happen the way they are, and the only thing that you can be responsible for is your art. I use to feel this sense of entitlement that’s completely immature. I needed to really get past that. It’s been a great detriment to people liking me, me being a spoiled baby, and people still make jokes about it, but they don’t realize I’m not that same person.”  (Kanye West, Fader Magazine, Dec 2008. p. 96)

 

The article went on to talk about the purity in his latest album, 808s & Heartbreak. Apparently he has been catching flack for it. Critics are saying its pop, the opposite of what West is…whatever that is.  Apparently some are saying that it sounds like he wrote some things in a matter of five minutes. West openly admitted that yes this is a pop album and yes that perhaps he did write something in five minutes.

 

“Is something better if it took five years than if it took five minutes? I feel like all the words are in you, you’re just blocking yourself, you’re blocking your creativity. Society has put up so many limitations on what’s right and wrong that it’s almost impossible to get a pure thought out…everyone is born confident, and everything’s taken away from you. So many people try to put their personality on someone else. Especially me, they try to suggest what I should do.” (Kanye West, Fader Magazine, Dec. 2008. p. 96)

 

West goes on further to explain (in so many words) that perhaps there is a method to his madness. That he is constantly evolving, hopefully for the better. He doesn’t want to be placed in a one genre box. I don’t blame him. Why not break out into other areas of music? Why not explore? Experiment?

 

By the end of the article, West talks about how God is using him as a vessel and that he can’t really take full credit for his talent. After completing the article I pondered over the tight rope artists, musicians, actors, writers & etc. walk when it comes to fully expressing yourself and being used for a Divine purpose. Is it all really God?  Was God pleased when West wrote the song “Jesus Walks” in which he talks about Jesus “walking” among the living and His salvation and how talking about Jesus on the mainstream level is rejected. Was He pleased when West produced Jay-Z’s song “Lucifer,” in which Jay talks about murder, revenge, empty souls? At least to Jay’s credit there’s are some lines where the “character” talks about getting his soul right.

 

Still I ponder more about my own purpose. My own destiny. I’m tired of dreaming and thinking about it and taking long and drawn out baby steps.  Yet, I feel that all that has occurred with me thus far is for a reason. There’s a method to the madness. There’s a method to God’s madness.

 

The smoke is still smoldering, but I’m still breathing. I’m not dead. Octavia Butler’s fictional character, Lauren, in the sci-fi novel, Parable of a Sower, has been very instrumental in these moments since I begun reading the book. Like me, she’s been trying to find her own way, especially in regards to religion. However, unlike me, she creates her own religion, Earthseed, that’s parallel to Christianity.

 

Set in the future, Lauren endures a lot as a teenager as American society crumbles. The book reads like a journal or a diary she keeps. Her Earthseed verses along with her practical and educational thinking are the seeds Lauren plants and cultivates. I’ve only just begun reading chapters into where her seeds are most needed. Lauren will start her own civilization where Earthseed, the new religion, will bloom.   

 

I would like to think my journal entries (online or off) are my seeds. All that I’m learning about myself, about depression, about my experiences in life are also seeds. My religion, God, is my soil. Cultivation comes in putting in the work. The work in writing, practicing and exercising faith.

 

Naturally the fruitation won’t occur unless I’m constantly cultivating my seeds. Of course I just answered my own question concerning “my time to shine.” Ironic, I wanted to be an “artist,” a writer. It just feels that I must pay the price to get there. Struggle is universal, especially in your 20s; the discovery and explore years. Perhaps it’s done for whomever and no matter in order for a deeper, greater appreciation to come from it. Maybe I’m not ready. Maybe I haven’t given my full appreciation. Again, another answer to my own question.

 

I’m a month or so shy away from my final year as a 20-something year old. Hopefully… just maybe, by this time next year, a month or so shy from turning 30, I would have risen only to soar.

 

Did I mention I love it when something comes clear to me as I write? I love having an epiphany in the middle of something. Part of cultivating. Perhaps I’m on the right track.

Surely there is a method to this madness. I just pray it is all God.