Love Mumble Jumble

Tropicanacuba

Maybe It's just my pregnancy hormones on overload causing me to feel a bit insenstive towards my child's father or maybe it's the fact that he is who is and just doesn't know what to say or how to feel.  Instead of trying to psych myself up to get into the Christmas mood, I've been mulling over some thoughts in my head in regards to a relationship with Hazel or dealing with a relationship with any other man.  To be honest, as much as I have been declaring I don't want a relationship right now...that I just want to focus on preparing for the birth of the baby, a portion of me yearns to have a strong companion at my side.  This yearning has also caused me to rethink my stand on marriage.  Remember how I said I could deal with the whole Oprah and Stedman deal? Well, honey this is real life and I'm not Oprah and nor do I have a Stedman in my life

In the time that I have talked or blogged about Hazel (in other journals) I was always in love with the man he could be.  He always presented himself as having all this potentional with all of his ambitions. In all of this, he could be an excellent provider. In some ways he is still this way, but much about him as become transparet to me.  I can see right through him sometimes and that alone is scary.  It's scary because I see that he isn't the one for me.  All of my false hope I had for us (at some point or another) has dissolved.

Tricky thing is, how do I handle this now with a child on the way?  On some levels, I'm comfortable with the fact that I don't want another relationship with him.  It took me a while to realize, but I finally got it....he doesn't "feed" me as I would him.  We aren't on the same level mentally, spiritually and perhaps now... not even emotionally.  He claims he wants some of the same things I do when it comes to a stable life, especially in regards to being with one person.. married to them.. having kids and providing for the family.  Yet his words just fall empty on me.  Do they even reach my ears? Do his words on instant messenger reach my eyes?  Everytime he says the things  I WANT TO HEAR.. that's all they are to me.  Maybe I'm basing too much of him and his character on past actions, but I don't ever want to go through that kind of hurt I went through with him ever again.

True, I laid down with him even after the hurt and created new life, but who knows what that was. Me falling back on old habits and using the time and space to fulfill an instant "need?" Maybe it was me still holding on to that false hope that somehow things would work itself out? Strange what I felt that night afterwards. I can't put my finger on it, but it was as if I knew something was happening.  Maybe it was God telling me He was gonna to perform a little shock treatment on my butt... on both of our butts, but more so me.   

Four months later, I find that I'm about four months pregnant. Could God not have given me such a real shock treatment?

So, I'm cautious. Protective of my heart and even of my child's heart. Finding it hard to let Hazel in and perhaps anyone else. It's to the point where I'm worn out from putting myself on the line, wearing my heart on my sleeve and giving more of myself than what I'm given in return. I cry at night for all the things that Hazel isn't.  I cry at night for all the things I want from a companion, but seems so far out of my reach.  I'm frustrated at my fears and insecurities, because they haunt me. I'm sick and tired of looking at couples or families with children and how each of the parents seem to be in love and effortlessly dote on their children (why am I'm noticing shit like that more frequently now?).

Don't get it twisted.  I don't hate Hazel. I'm not bitter towards him. I just truly feel indifferent about him. I've tried the friendship thing with him, but somehow the past won't let go. I'm learning how to forgive, forget and move on to the next level.  I've been forgiving, but forgetting has been the hard part. How do you forget?

When it comes to PURE LOVE, there is a line from a movie that makes me cry everytime I hear it. It's one of the ending lines to Tyler Perry's Diary of a Mad Black Woman. Towards the end, Shemar Moore questions Kimberly Elise's love for him. Her reply,

"I carry you in my spirit.  I pray for you more than I pray for myself."

That's heavy when you know the love you have for someone is that deep that you KNOW and FEEL them in your spirit.

What I pray for is that whatever man that enters my life will be a man of God and able to feed me mentally, spiritually and emotionally as I would him.  That he would be man enough to accept me with all my flaws and even strong enough to work with and accept that I am a mother and he must love my son or daughter as if it were his own. I pray that my heart would be open enough to accept this man....whomever he is.....

"If you want to feel me/Better be divine/Bring me water/water for my mind/give me nothing/Breathe love in my air/don't abuse me/Cause these herbs are rare....

I want somebody to walk up behind me/And kiss me on my neck/And breathe on my neck/I want somebody to walk up behind me/And kiss me on my neck/And breathe on my neck/been such a long time/I forgot that I was fine/Just kiss me on my neck/And breathe on my neck..."  - Hesi (Kiss Me On My Neck) by Erykah Badu.