I Feel So Random.... Pt. 1

So much as taken place since I last wrote within these virtual pages. So much so, that I think it would be unfair to my brain to even formulate a "real" blog entry for the fear of leaving a detail or two out because my mind is racing faster than my fingertips can dance across my laptop keyboard.

Instead it's bullets.

• Talks of my grandmother going into a nursing home/rehab facility became a reality nearly two weeks ago. The stay was only suppose to be temporary; until she was able to build her strength back up by eating or her insurance paying in full up to 20 days - which ever of these came first. However, my grandmother didn't allow any of them to happen. A slightly scary situation arose this past Wednesday, only a little over a week since she had been at the facility. During my visit with her that afternoon, she complained about being in pain and she barely talked above a whisper. After conferring with her nurse and even talking to my mother over the phone I learned that during my mother's visit earlier in the day she met with my grandmother's doctor. They discussed my grandmother's alledged pain, since it seemed she was having pain on different days and in different places. The doc diagnoised my grandmother with having pre-dementia.

• Oddly enough when I first heard the word I ignored it. Then it angered me as I heard the nurse and the EMT folks go back and forth using the word "Dementia" as if it were full blown as they hovered over my grandmother assessing her and trying to decide if she really needed to go the hospital. Eventually she was taken to a nearby hosptial, where I stayed until my mother got there. Later we learned she had a bladder infection, so it could very well be that my grandmother was not imagining her pain. Later that evening I did look up pre-dementia and even looked up Alzheimers. I didn't get very far because a lot of what I found was a bunch of medical jargon. I did understand the main point. With pre-dementia there is a shortage in the brain where short term and long term memory goes in an out. It is known to be a precurser for full on Alzheimers and it's not curable, but the meical realm is looking into different treatments; from brain exercises to drugs.

• I thought back to Mother's Day and how we all were at my grandmother's side. I was to her immediate left and she down at my middle finger on my left hand. It is there that I wear a 14 karat gold ring (the only gold I wear) carrying my birthstone; amethyst, and two small diamonds on the side of the stone. She looked at the ring and reminded me that we got that ring out of JC Penny's a long time ago. It kind of stumped me because she was mumblin a bit, but mentioning how she bought the ring for me one day after school. Honestly I don't remember much about the day. I don't even remember exactly how old I was. What's fresh in my mind is my blue uniform from elementary/jr. high school. I'm guessing I was in the sixth grade cause I almost remember what I looked like the day she bought the ring. I remember what that particular jewelry department at that JC Penny's looked like at the time. No sooner had she talked about the ring, my grandmother was trying to recall something else before she eventually said "my memory isn't worth two scents these days."

• Everyone has been dealing with my grandmother's health in their own way. My aunt is amazingly helping out more, especially in regards to looking after my grandmother's husband, who really hasn't fully recovered from his stroke nearly three years ago. My mother of course is in superwoman mode. So much so that when it's too much I can tell, it's all over her face and it showed today as she caught an attitude with me for not cooking dinner today. I've been helping, I've cooked, I've been trying to do my part and little extra, but the day I stopped (such as today) to gather my own thoughts of course it is seen as selfish.  Now I feel like shit cause of the attitudes flying in the air.

• I'm confused about everything right now. I'm not sure how I'm feeling. As I looked up pre-dementia I couldn't help but wonder if my grandmother drove her self to this state. Ironically, everything checks out excellent with her healthwise, but her mind..... I thought about those religous cliches and kind of chuckled at the cliche images of sister prayer circles armed with Bibles and standing over my grandmother being prayer warriors and casting out demons and such through prayer - think the near ending of Beloved when those church sistas came and prayed over Setha's house. My chuckles faded as I thought about it some more. Our old pastor did come and say a word and had prayer with my grandmother, mother and myself during her initial stay at the hospital. Still was it enough? Is it enough to think of a silent prayer in the middle of the day or in mid thought as I write? Granted in the stats I read, millions of Americans are living with pre-dementia, but why do I feel like my grandmother doesn't have to? Maybe something is going on. Perhaps something bigger than me and it's gonna take something stronger than what I can give (or maybe subconsciously willing to give) to eliminate it.

• I noticed that I haven't beem eating much myself. I lost a pound or two. I'm not stressed. My appetite just isn't here. A few bites and my stomach is tied in knots.  My grandmother's health is taking a toll on me. My appetite only goes M.I.A when something is wrong.

It's going on 4 a.m. I'll finishing my thoughts later.