Mahoganie’s Neighborhood

Saturdaynight

This experience with you oh my love I have my shoes on and I am ready to run. My feet won’t move in the run position, my brain is moving out of the way so I can enjoy this…..

(tha idea 2 run is b/c im scared, i can admit it..but im tired of running)

Real talk its been fun and I am trying not to wanna c u or talk to u often, no need to be clingy or overwhelming; it’s just nice to be en your presence and for me to feel safe en doing so.  *NOTE* NOT saying en the past I haven’t but I am referring to now, our past is what it is *J

                I can be still

                                This is all n my head right?  I can be myself … kinda?

Maybe more than I want to admit for now; so I wont say anything else (LOL)

                 Oh I am str8 blessed with many things including you.

Even when we don’t agree I don’t want to kick you

                But you do belong in the corner a lot lately… (LOL) it’s your old age ha, ha, ha.

This new found closeness between us is cool I must say!!

                When I plan things regarding men they don’t go right but oh how I don’t plan on getting close

                Then

BAM

                IT HAPPENED…… I am not n love but I do love you……… I love you now, present tense, nothing from the past if anything has no barring on my love 4 u now!!

Now if you run b/c of my openness then ok (ha,) but I am sharing…… Relax

                Not reading en 2 N E Thing Love

Just getting this off of my heart & simply reiterating the not so obvious I guess…..?

                *hmmm *

 
Dating with children & Online dating……. The conference call debate w/some of my friends regarding online dating & dating with children. A few of my friends & Eye debate about many things and last nite, a friend suggested how I am anti-men with children. So I was “attacked” for my belief in no longer dating men with multiple children; I was viewed as being a hypocrite b/c I have a child myself.

Let’s tackle the 1^st issue which was brought up by my friend LJ

(Little info bout him & I: LJ& I dated long time ago, this was when my baby was around 1 years old. LJ & I are good friends and we dated for about a month, nothing major @ that time in our lives.)

So LJ asked if I could hook him up, and I suggested trying online dating so him, Lynn (my best friend), LJ‘s Boy, & I are all on the phone talking about this.

He started to annoy me b/c he started to question himself as to why all the sudden he can’t get a date.  I said u made the choice to be single so it’s on you, and there is nothing wrong with you taking a break.  Apparently he is tired of being single and made the comment about me knowing lots of females, so I should hook him up. *Ha,*

LJ is a good dude, just moved back to NY, and he has all the things n e woman would want but they don’t have what he “apparently wants”. She has to loves sex, video games, sports, no drama, not many kids of any, able to communicate and able to be his supporter…. Aka

homie

Lover

Friend

He says online dating is cool but a lot of women misrepresent themselves, and some of the women he has met have had more children but said one or 2… when they had like 3 or 4.  I mentioned I wouldn’t turn a way a dude w/ more than one child however I am not interested in dating men with more than 1 kid…… been there done it w/ Jeff.

Ok that’s when the B.S. Started….. Apparently the 3 of them think I am being funny b/c of the choice I’ve made. Honestly I have no desire to date men with a bunch of kids, period, point blank, it’s my preference.

Did Jeff ruin that for everyone (kinda) *LOL*; however I can take any man approaching me by his own merit, I just don’t like dealing w/it……. Could it change yes, but for now if someone has more than 1 child, we could only be friends. * Just me*…

LJ agrees but then suggested I could be turning away a good man based on him having more than 1 child. Ok, that is fine but I got defensive and stated I wasn’t the subject of this wonderful phone call. We were getting off track (LOL) it’s about LJ & us helping a friend who is feeling down in the dumps about love, not Rashida & her dating preference.

But it didn’t stop there LJ suggested I should try online dating and stop having my heart closed off to men…….. I just ignored all of the “Rashida” talk & stuck to the subject. Yes online dating can be iffy & you have to weed out a lot of garbage…..  Whether u r meeting someone online or offline, u still need to weed out the “front” to find the real person.

N some cases you will never find the real person, as someone who will remain nameless stated “it could take up to 3 years” before you really find out who that person is; if the goal is to stay in it to get what they want ( IE: MARRIAGE). Which I disagree with that comment b/c I do not see someone being fake for that long, but that’s anotha story.

End result: no solution yet for LJ he is still lonely as of this morning & he doesn’t want a long distant relationship w/ anyone. There r plenty of women in the New York area who want a good man……. It sucks he is feeling down about himself but again he made the choice to be single….. So the question(s) is this

If it’s your choice to be single, do you have a right to complain about it? Do you have a right to be sick of being single? When is enough time after a relationship has ended before you start to date again?

I asked him those things…. I have my own answers. But that’s a diff story right now *LOL*

Last nite I was informed my sister’s marriage is ending…. Talk about drama, geewiz its drama!!!!  However I will be here to support her and my former brother in law b/c  and try to remain as neutral as I can be…..

In the midst of that I don’t know how to feel about many things; but I do feel good about not letting n e one’s drama affect my mood. Nor will I let it affect how I go about things; the only person who is n control of my life is me.

Man it has felt so good talking w/ TJ lately it’s been quite nice!!!!! No stankness on my end, no awkwardness, we talk about any & everything, I love it!!!!! It’s a good feeling & I hope it continues even when Ash comes down!!!

*note to naysayers leave it alone, let me enjoy my high w/ a good friend……..* (LOL)

I am optimistic about some things work related, finding a new place, the baby coming, and love*, school, my family, I don’t know….. I am very sure of myself as a woman lately.  I have been in the past however this is different, it’s a new feeling inside of me in the midst of this “storm” around me.

I did not call ole boy I met @ Target last nite b/c of everything going on w/ my sister…. I was obviously distracted.

Writing has been good for me , gonna c if I can bust out a poem later. I am just so tired………. Didn’t sleep 2 well last nite………. And tomorrow RJ is gonna stop by, I haven’t seen him since he left for Orlando…. Should be interesting…… a lot has changed but we talk on occasions, but it will be different

The past is the past………

Loving ½ of me is unacceptable. I need “him” to love me completely. Right now no man can love all of Rashida if this is not the real me. Meaning I am a mother period. My child is not here; how can someone love the single, no kid Rashida when that woman is only a ½ truth?

Yeah I have been digging real deep. Whoever comes into my life needs to c me around my child, watch our home life, and see how Nycci & I interact w/ 1 another. This “I am single/ part time mom; is not me” I cannot go on expecting realistically some man 2 love the package (as a whole) when I’m only giving him 1 piece of tha package.

 I guess for a while I have denied the above was/could be an issue/ w/ some1 loving me, but again this is my thought process. This is how I feel & whether you concur or not is fine.

Right now “he” has to love the package & the final piece to the package will finally arrive in 6weeks or less…….. If I allow someone to enter he has 2 prove himself worthy; maybe he can love the whole package; if not that is alright also…. Either way this has to be if I do decide to open up my life again to dating…..

Back to the single mom dating w/a child

            That mindset starts now & not when she FINALLY GET’S HERE!!

Pre my move to NC I made my mistakes, I dated on occasions;

Ended up n the “occasional faux relationships” none w/ any substance, yes I can say that now no offense 2 n e 1 I previously dated. Relationships to me are not on and off every 1 or 2 months……. Hence the word “FAUX”!!

 However 1 of them “fake men” met my child; Tha others were not worthy, I am very big on NOT letting men around my child even more so now than ever. That person wasn’t worthy of meeting her either but hey I am human!!!

WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES!!!

Back to the thought @ hand; “Nycci & I are a package deal”!!!

            N tha words of mah teenager “deucez”!! *HA, HA, HA*

*disclaimer: “HE” does not have a name:  if I was talking about n e 1 I could have named him, very EASILY!!! *LOL*

This weekend right here … well entering into it was a little iffy on my end however there is always a bright spot.  I did a lot of soul searching in the midst of a busy past week, a week filled with ups n downs however that is life correct? There is always something good you can view right b4 your eyes.

My niece graduated from high school last night & as a proud aunt I was filled with memories of the day her brother & her were born. I was an aunt @ the age of 11. very young but as my sister Tatia stated to her best friend n college, I loved her 1^st 2 children since they were n her womb, I have loved and treated Rosheon & Janay like they were mine.  Rosheon did not get a chance to walk b/c he failed English….. He was supposed to graduate last year however things happen….. So now he has to get his diploma during the summer school program n August. While his sister walked across the stage many thoughts of Janay ran thru my head, my heart was proud.

Now she is off to college in august *sigh of relief* and Rosheon will be right behind Janay, I am a proud aunt. My sister & bro n law had a luncheon for them yesterday…. They r having issues and u could cut the tension with a knife.

My thoughts are all over the place. Today is father’s day and my dad is on his way back home. I have 6 weeks till I c him again & 6 weeks to lose this weight he mentioned I gained back since he saw me in April. He made no qualms about it, to his standards my weight after Vegas & during the process of losing my granny was fine.

However now I gained some of it back & he doesn’t know y & he is not interested in y it’s back, but I need to lose it by the time he returns in 6 weeks. Period, Point blank!!

I always cared about what my father thought of me & I myself do not like how “life happened” & the weight is back, by no means am I fat but yeah it’s time to put my foot n my own behind!! He challenged me & pretty much backed me n 2 the corner regarding my weight….. Yeah daddy it’s on!!

More thoughts…….

i knew something was fishy.

mercury retrograde since May 27th, lasting until direct station on June 19th.  then finally, July 4th, everything will be back to normal.

please, lords of Kobol [sorry, been watching too much Battlestar Galactica lately], don't let me do anything stupid during this retrograde, as i've done time after time.  it's messing with my head, and work, and well ... everything -  BIG time.

/sigh

Good friends….. Well my 2 friends came n Saturday 2 visit me for a few days. We went out to dinner, watched movies, just hung out pretty much. The weather has been crazy hot here in NC….. Anyways Lynn & Mike H. are good friends, friends I’ve known... anyways they got me a new TV stand for my living room and a $400 visa gift card which is suppose to be for a bed but they said I could use it for anything…

I asked y… and they both replied over the years I have done numerous things for them even when I was dead broke so they are only returning the favor. Which made my heart feel good… they said it has nothing 2 do with my current situation which is nice. However I decided to put the money into NYC’s college fund account. I will be alright…. It made my heart feel good.. BTW these are black friends. (LOL)

It made me feel good that I am not always being taken for granted and being a good friend is not about what u will get n return. But having my true friends here who know my heart…. Yes it so helped.

Granted I was a Lil annoyed b/c of the heat and not feeling good, it was still cool 2 hang w/my friends and not having to explain y I do things over and over again… like I do w/some of my “friends “ here in NC.

They both told me I changed... N some ways good, n some ways not for the bad but I seem closed off… even me 2 weeks ago they stated I am not the same as I am right now.

Yes I am closed off; I am just turning my heart off for awhile…. “They claim that’s not the “RASHIDA” they know…. I am like she is n there but right now; she is on vacation…..

I don’t know right now….. It is what it is…….God will work it out.

*note this has nothing 2 do with love…. but love is so far outta reach right now, more power 2 those n it*

NO HE DIDN’T…. WELL YES HE DID!!! I did chew on all of the things he said Saturday, I am not pleased but I respect his honesty. He did not have 2 dog “him” out to make a point, a lot of men could learn from that.

I told my girl what Mr. Fine said and u can hear her & her husband clapping n the background. “Ummm next time don’t put me on speaker phone” oh how I hate that!!  They r happy Charles said something, they were waiting for him 2 do it *LOL*

Waiting for him 2 be honest about what he is seeing from the sidelines, I simply do not think it’s that serious. Never have I put ‘him” above n e 1 else, but I think I have mentioned it does appear I was throwing myself @him, I am being a friend.

 Didn’t really think about it till Charles said something…something I didn’t obviously put on here and I won’t…but he made some other points as well.

Yeah ok…… it hit me n the gut. Ya’ll are right (ya’ll meaning my good friends the nut gallery)!!! So my girl  Lynn had to switch her wedding date until the last Saturday in July which is cool, I have my dress and me singing a song w/her brotha is not gonna work out!! *trying 2 get out of that*!!! Always the bridesmaid never the bride * ha, ha, ha*.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t bothered by the comments Charles made. Yesterday I watch “Maid in Manhattan” the movie with J-Lo, I finally caught the last 30minutes of it which cool, and I saw Mr. Chocolate  “Glenn Lewis” loved his song in the movie… and yes I am playing it right now *sticks out tongue*!! Wow! My mistakes with men….

I feel so sick to my stomach right now…… I so got the point loud &clear, I just wish it didn’t have to hurt so much.

Charles: “Shida, are you really going to let a man who doesn’t love you, ruin the chance w/a man who is right here willing to love you?”

Shida: “Say what?”

Charles: “No disrespect because I do not know the brotha. But the point is the same! he doesn’t want you, how many ways can someone show u that? He is not interested. He just wants 2 be your friend. stop throwing yourself @ him it makes you look desperate & we all know you have plenty of options you are just choosing not 2 use them or see them b/c of *that man*. If he is a good dude cool, but baby it’s time to stop loving him.”

Shida: “Wow, well we know I am not desperate and I am not throwing myself @ anyone... I am 2 cute 4 all of that. U dont know me 2 well if u think  that. i am just his friend period!! that book is closded *duh*"

Charles: “Prove it!” do not get defensive because I am speaking the truth. Remember our thing is telling each other the truth even if it hurts, so I am speaking the truth 2 u!! I am not going to dog him out it doesn’t make me a better man, u love him cool, love him as a friend, he doesn’t want you I am just telling u the truth. Just n case u r 2 stubborn to c it.”

Shida: “I don’t have 2 prove n e thing & yes he is a good dude but this is not about him.”

Charles: “Right then y did u step away from me? Yes it is about him. U r handful but what man wouldn’t want the love u give; you’re good out weighs the bad. N e man who doesn’t look past your bravado 2 see that, then keep it moving, I am saying that as a friend”

Shida: “I am not blaming him for anything, my decisions are mine & mine alone 2 make I did walk away b/c he had my heart. I don’t wanna discuss him n e more, I did what I thought was right. U deserve someone who’s heart is totally n it, not ½ way like mine was (is) so I am done.”

Charles: “Go ahead & run away. Go run Jon B. into the ground, I am too old to sit and wait until you figure it out. Honestly it’s clear as day he doesn’t want u, cut your ties, breathe and move on. This has nothing 2 do with me wanting u, its just real life. U can’t keep running b/c of what was…. U loved him then I don’t think u love him the same way now. No disrespect b/c everyone speaks highly of him your cousins has said to me on me numerous time he treats u good when he is around, cool. U cant run n e more from love, he cant give it 2 u move on, I don’t know y u wanna hurt and not let someone love you.  Shida wants what she wants right? Well you chew on that and I will call you tomorrow. Goodnight Rah.”

Shida: “Wow, fine… I will, we’ll talk later I guess.”

Charles: “Rah, I am not trying to hurt you. But dude u needed 2 hear this!! Not sure what other’s had done but we’ll talk and please stay away from the lonely girl song, u are not a victim. That’s not the Rashida I know. Again Goodnight luve!!

Shida: Later!!